to set out a document for anyone looking after my daughter stating what I expect from them now my partner and I have split?

[May1808]

My partner and I recently split, meaning my 14 month old DD will be living between two homes and visiting grandparents/other relatives and presumably sometimes being cared for (babysitting etc) by my ex partners family and I won't be there to keep an eye on things.

I don't think I am being a control freak to ask that some basic rules are set by me and my ex with regard to food, routine, medicines & safety that are agreed by anyone else involved in her care and I think its better to do it now rather than after problems happen so that everyone knows where they stand.

I know her dad absolutely dotes on her and would never intentionally do anything to harm her or undermine me (well I hope not but he might discover a vindictive streak!) but he is much more easy going, slap dash, cross that bridge when we come to it than I am (one of the reasons why we split) so its definately important that we agree on the basic points that we will observe.

The thought of drawing up a formalised document wouldn't even have occured to me, other than I used to spend an awful lot of time explaining to the ex why I wanted to do things a certain way and why him not doing it that way would undermine me etc, and then even more time explaining to the ex in-laws why I was doing things a certain way and why, for example, they mustn't add salt to DD's food or let her play in the bathroom that hasn't been baby-proofed, or go through peoples bags that contain all sorts (her pulling out a blister pack of paracetemol and watching the mother in law say 'oh what a clever girl you've found something' rather than whipping them away and saying don't touch medicine, they're dangerous) sticks in my memory.

In addition to that, there are certain rules and ways of disciplining her that are my way of parenting and I do worry that if other people do other things it will result in a lack of continuity and boundaries for her, allowing her to play one carer off against another and generally be a confused and unhappy child who can't do wrong for doing right.

So far I've put things in like, don't add salt to her food, only give milk or water to drink, don't give her nuts or peanuts, don't give her sweet things between meals etc and the obvious safety things like don't let her play on the stairs or what to do if she's teething, but I'm worried that my ex will say 'this is ridiculous i'm sure everyone involved is capable of looking after a child (now i'll go and bury my head in the sand and hope nothing dead bad happens)' and the in laws (who i don't know what their reaction to the split is yet but probably really angry with me for 'giving up' and 'ruining things for everyone' and 'only thinking about myself' - some kind of conviction because of their religion what we should get married and stay together for the children) might well take the view that 'who is she to tell us what to do, we've raised 4 kids AND have a successful marriage...'

Arrrgh this is a minefield. What do you guys think?

Working class parents are more likely to have obese children, more car accidents, more illness, there's a reason why sure start are in some areas and not others.

Katie DD-Sure Start was set up for underpriveliged or poverty stricken families, it has never claimed to be for the working class as a whole as many do not have the problems you have mentioned.

There is as much diversity within the working class as the middle class- going from upper to lower, if you like.
I think those problems are more common with those who come from a fsamily background with long term unemployment, so not strictly working class at all!

Working class was actually a poor choice of words, my point is children's health and parental education do go hand in hand.
Therefore I'm afraid much as people may not like it chances are the middle class mother will have the resources and information available to do a better job.

May only you know whether this is really needed or not, it sounds to me like your ex is more than capable of looking after her but maybe it's the in laws and perhaps even a future partner of your exes that you are more concerned about.

I'm racing out of the door ina moment so forgive me but I haven't been able to read all of the posts. (sorry if repeating!)

It might sound to posters like you are being very precious but some people just need it spelt out and this is one of the many reasons that my in laws have never looked after my infant children their gaffs whilst we have been there included (just for your amusement):

Cutting fruit for a 14 month old and leaving the knife on the plate and when I asked what she was doing I got the terse reply "he's not stupid he won't cut himself with it.

Letting a toddling child walk unaccompanied upstairs with no stair gates and left to her own devices(luckily I came out of the loo pretty sharpish)

Letting a baby (not walking) play with a whole box of opened perfume bottles and potions without lids

Trying to apply a strange mixture to put on the baby's eyes so she could see much better (stuff fome a market,she couldn't tell me what was in the mixture, it smelt like henna)

Trying to give both of my tiny babies (with severe lactose intolerance- ds even had colitis as a tiny baby)a dollop of ice cream and when told no replying rather brusquely "it's not dairy it's cold"
There are too many to mention so I won't bore you with any more

I think it's best you try and work out some kind of outline with your ex and give him a bag similar to a changing bag with everything she may need like her teething stuff/snacks etc.

katieDD I'm afraid I don't agree with you. You could think they 'ought to', but MC parents very often DON'T do a better job.

However, this all depends on your interpretation of what is a better job!

Oh I agree Katie, it is true- the information is out there and it is the ones who are confident enough to access it probably need it least.
Sorry if I jumped on you, I just watched Obama's victory speech and the contrast with him getting elected and how far we are from having a prime minister fronm humble or not priveliged background got me thinking how much class still dominates our country to its detriment I am afraid

Sorry about rambling post, my 2 yr old is doing his best to get me off the computer!

YANBU.

I really sympthise with the OP. Totally ok to do a list, just word it in a tactful way.

I would agree StewieGriffinsMom-it is your option 3 that is the objectionable one-nothing wrong with 1 & 2.

But all along the OP has stated that the "document" would be put together by her and her ex, so number 1 with a little of number 2 in your example.
This where I feel mumsnet lets itself down, 8 pages of nothing to do with what the OP wrote. And some of it quite offensive.

Putting together a document with her exP is fine and a good idea to discuss parenting styles. However OP was then intending to give it to anyone who cares for her DD. It is the last part that is objectionable and patronising.Favourite toy if she is tired is fine, telling them not to let her play on the stairs isn't!
SGM's list was sensible-option 1 & 2 but NOT 3.

Your child your rules. In one way I am luckier than you in that it is only my immediate family who ever care for ds so I don't feel out of control regarding his care, safety etc.

However I do have a few important rules that may sound fussy and pfb to some, but commonsense and obvious to most.

Eg. Some people think it is ok to drink alcohol and drive. I don't and I would rather they didn't do it as I love them and would hate anything to happen to them. However if they are to drive ds then I have a strict no alchohol rule. If they don't like that then fine ds does not travel with them. If I don't know the person (eg getting a lift to a party) then I will check 1st to make sure they're not planning on having that "Oh well I might just have the one" then we make alternative arrangements. I don't care if this offends - I'm keeping ds safe (which is Mummy's job)

MsPontipine-OP is handing over the DC to the DC's father-who is an equal parent.

By handing over her dc op is also handing over the responsibility of keeping her little one safe and happy. If dc's father and family are not as aware of what this entails as not all people (even parents and grandparents) then it is not at all unreasonable for op to stipulate some of the most basic rules, those of which some take for granted, but sadly others seem to take joy in flouting with gay abandon.

eg

Appropriate car seats at all times - yes even if it is "just round the corner"

No duvets/pillows for babys

Sleeping on backs

Don't add anything to baby formula

No salt

No asprin under 12

No honey until aged 1

No alcohol if driving dc

No smoking around dc especially not where they sleep

etc, etc, etc, etc

Like most new mothers op probably made a lot of effort to make sure she was up to date with and aware of all possible risks etc and a few simple measures of how to avoid them. Did xp and his family do the same? Probably all op needs is for them to read it at ah hah ah hah agree and reassure her that is what they would do anyway but obviously she doesn't think they would or she would not have felt any need for the list in the first place.

Mrs Pontipine - the point is that the OP is ASSUMING in a frankly patronising way that her ex partner and his family don't know what the basics are re safety. And in any event there does not seem to be any reason why these issues canot be discussed face to face instead of putting them on paper and thereby putting backs up

I think that is a sure way to upset people MsPontipine! I would take grave exception to people telling me the blindingly obvious!
OP needs to discuss things with exP NOT tell. Other people need to be told a few essentials like what the DC likes if tired and allergies etc-and that is ALL!

My main point exactly - what is blindingly obvious to some is not to all.

I am sorry MsPontipine but if anyone told me not to drive their DC when I had been drinking alcohol I would be deeply offended!! I do not drink and drive, whether or not I have a DC in the car. I actually read the directions on pain killers etc!! I wouldn't dream of adding anything to formula (not that I have ever used formula).
If I ever have a DIL who treats me in such a patronising way I would really have to grit my teeth and count to ten before I managed a smile!!

I would throw it out the window and concentrate on not causing problems where there arn't any.

Your ex will probably be a good dad and his parents good grandparents and they will do things differently from you, so will nursery and school your dc will learn fast to adapt and accept change.

if you gave me a list of rules I would probably burn the list I think I am a good parent and will not want to be dictated to regardless of whether you want me to make rules or not. I am sure you are a good mum and dont need someone else making rules for you.

Exactly Ivy (sorry shortened it). Any sensible person would ignore it. I think I would keep it to give people a laugh!