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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want PILs/Parents to visit hospital after baby is born and in visiting hours?

101 replies

Gettingbiggernow · 28/10/2008 20:52

DH thinks that we should ring round all the family the minute I go into labour, and have them all waiting in the waiting room for the baby to be born, whereupon they will be ushered in to view new DGC asap after the birth. Ideally he would see no reason why our sisters, brothers and grandparents etc should also not be there in the waiting room (like the movies )

I, on the other hand, would rather they were told I have gone into labour only after I have progressed to hospital, and then just our parents invited to see the baby at visiting time the first day, (or at least when I and the baby have had chance to recover a little), and everyone else the day after/wait til we get home from hospital and come the day after that.

AIBU or AIB a total killjoy?

OP posts:

ewwwmy2shoesarefullofblood · 28/10/2008 20:56

yanbu
everyone said "call us when you go into labour"
yeah like we could be bothered. we phoned them when the baby was there.
don't worry about it. I bet it doesn't happen.

snickersnack · 28/10/2008 20:57

I totally sympathise. I looked shocking after giving birth both times. Would want to have time to clean up and get some rest before receiving visitors. No way would I have wanted people hanging around in the waiting room. I am still a bit that my in-laws brought dh's 2 male (grown up) cousins with them to the hospital after dd was born. No need, quite frankly. I don't think they particularly wanted to be there.

YANBU.

UpJacobscreek · 28/10/2008 20:57

YANBU ,I think he has been watching too many American birth stories on the discovery health channel

If they do all turn up and try hanging round they are more than likely to be told to move anyway.

Good luck anyway .

traceybath · 28/10/2008 20:57

Your DH has watched too many films as you suspect.

If that was me they'd have had a very very long wait the first time.

Also if for any reason you ended up with a c-section you'd have a catheter in and if anything like me be very sick - i wouldn't have wanted anyone but DH there for that bit.

See how the birth goes and then you decide when you want visitors. I know its his baby too but you'll be the one giving birth so in my opinion get veto on visitors.

ruddynoraaaaaaggggggghhhhh · 28/10/2008 20:58

yanbu at all.

we didn't ring people until the next day and told them they could come see us at home the following day.

froggyfroofroo · 28/10/2008 20:58

no! no! no! do not allow dh to do this if its not something you want, it'll only stress you out if you know people are hanging around outside waiting.

only let him tell them when the baby is born.

Libra1975 · 28/10/2008 20:59

Does your hospital actually have a waiting room?

Anyway, YANBU, go and kick your DH in the balls 10 times and then ask him if he feels like visitors.

WinkyWinkola · 28/10/2008 20:59

Call them when the baby is born. it'll save a lot of stress.

We made the mistake of calling our parents as soon labour started. They were worried for 36 hours until an emergency section delivered DS. Pointless.

This birth is about you and your DH and your baby. Nobody else. Sorry but that's how it is. It's really important you feel no pressure and have all the privacy you need.

Salleroo · 28/10/2008 21:01

Call them when the baby arrives. You dont need the added pressure of them all waiting outside tapping their toes. God knows how long it could take from you going into labour to popping out your dc. Then you want time to bond as a new family. You wont know whether you are coming or going and to have the whole family traipsing in is just ridiculous.

Killjoy my ass, your DH needs to realise reality is not like the movies!

compo · 28/10/2008 21:02

we honed when the baby was born
inlaws weren't allowed to come to the hospital
my parents were... yes I'm sorry I know this is controversial but when I feel like Ive just been run over by an oil tanker I want my mum not Mil

BoodleBoo · 28/10/2008 21:05

My DH & I had the exact same argument and it caused us no end of hassle whilst I was pregnant with my first. His family, well his Mum, were very "hyper" about becoming a grandparent and wanted to be told as soon as I went into labour. After many, many arguments about this my DH sort of gave in. As it happened my waters broke when all my family were with us and when we were due at his mums for dinner. All that rowing for nothing!!

That said, my labour took about 48 hours and his mum drove the hospital mad with calls, to the extent that the midwifes asked him to leave me and call his mum as soon as the baby was born as they were fed up of it. I still feel rather about him having to leave me so soon after the birth die to his mums demands. Although in her defence I am very like her so I guess it is a case of being too alike!

dilbertina · 28/10/2008 21:11

ummm, my hospital didn't even have a waiting room!

Your wishes will take precedence over his as far as midwives, well as far as anything really, what with it being you actually giving birth and all.

Does he have any idea how long labour can take? All three of you will probably just want to sleep after - not be entertaining

Great he's so obviously excited but no - YANBU. Would he understand if you explained it in terms of wanting it to be a special time for you two and your new baby - for you as a new family?

Failing that explain there will be blood, maybe poo, maybe vomit, certainly the really strange stench of amniotic fluid (kind of like all the above overlaid with metallic cheesiness)...You'll be naked, trying to get the hang of breastfeeding...you do not want visitors till it's all calmed down and that's that! actually I doubt the hospital will allow anyone into delivery room, or the wrd outside visiting hours so you could just get out of it by blaming them...

Good luck!

mum2oneloudbaby · 28/10/2008 21:12

you have a very sensible and very workable plan.

your dh's is not reasonable at all like Libra1975 suggestion although it may be a bit extreme

phone once baby is born - labour can be a very long and drawn out process and family will worry

TinkerBellesMum · 28/10/2008 21:13

What will happen if you're labouring for days? Tell them you'll let them know when the baby has arrived.

Personally Mum will be there and depending on what's happening will depend on others knowing (I have prem and fast labours so we do like to keep his parents informed but they're never in a rush to get there anyway ). It's been proven that having a woman in the room can improve the outcome over having just the partner! I'm from a close family so always want my Mum and as far as someone else saying it's controversial, I go with the sitting on the loo analogy, who would you be OK to be in the room with you? There's also the oxytocin side of things, it's the love hormone and it's inhibited by stress - could you make love with your ILs waiting outside?

mum2oneloudbaby · 28/10/2008 21:15

dilbertina what a graphic and very realistic description of what it's like after the birth. i had forgotten that.

in my case lots of blood as the vessel burst in the umbilical cord and spattered the midwife and most of the room

DesperateHousewifeToo · 28/10/2008 21:17

They could be waiting at the hospital for days. It took me 3 days to have ds!

I don't think the hospital would allow them to all wait anyway and I'm pretty sure you can only have a couple of visitors once back on the ward. Would be unfair on other mums for you to be having a 'party' whilst they are recovering.

You might be lucky and be allowed home after a few hours.

Be firm, and tell him not to invite them all over, you'll both be exhausted. (Although, I suppose it could be easier if they all come over together rather than in dribs and drabs)

SmugColditz · 28/10/2008 21:18

Have a word with the midwife. They will accede to YOUR wishes. They won't give a fuck about what your husband wants.

Heated · 28/10/2008 21:18

Rotate head 360 degrees & tell dh through gritted teeth: "It'll stress me. Do you REALLY want that?"

dilbertina · 28/10/2008 21:20

Sorry - don't want to worry OP! Of course all the icky stuff WILL BE of miniscule importance beside the fact you'll have your wonderful new baby. My favourite time after my births was when the lovely midwives cleared off for a bit and let DH, new baby and I bond. TBH didn't notice the ickiness then!

Original poster

Gettingbiggernow · 28/10/2008 21:22

Oh good! Seems like I'm not the only one then. I said to DH I would rather call when baby has actually arrived and he thought that was very weird as it's a "family event" apparently (by which he means our DPs and DS/DB/DG - not our own new family).

I pointed out that if labour went on for 40hrs or whatever then they would all be on tenterhooks waiting for phone call (and I KNOW ours DM's would both be phoning the delivery suite for regular updates plus I KNOW if I didn't give birth within 1 hour then my mum certainly would assume the worst as she is like that) plus DH would be popping out to update them frequently, but IMO he should be focused on me and the baby being born, not itching to get on the phone in case "people are worrying".

OP posts:

motherinferior · 28/10/2008 21:23

Agree with many other posters, especially Dilbertina. And also - and yes I know this is dreadfully frivolous - but you'll have a very strange, curiously fascinating, deflating belly.

PortofinoPumpkin · 28/10/2008 21:23

YANBU! There was no waiting room at my hospital either and they only let birth partners of women in labour in past a certin hour. Which actually wasn't early enough as i spent a couple of days on the antenatal ward with someone's entire family! They'd all be sat there watching Eastenders and I felt like I had been unceromoniously dumped in their front room - just when you really want to settle down for the night.

LittleMonkeysMummy · 28/10/2008 21:28

I was in labour for 50h and I got up to the ward about 5 min before visiting time. As it was only my mum and dad arrived for that visiting session although I don't remember much as I was so knackered I kept dozing off!!

twentypence · 28/10/2008 21:29

I phoned my brother in the UK because it was 3am our time and who the hell else could I while away early labour talking to.

My parents popped around and I told them I was in labour and sent them out to buy me last minute craving food. Mum faffed about and so by the time they brought it back I couldn't eat it.

She then phoned the hospital every 30 minutes.

We phoned about 30 minutes after the birth - which actually felt like straight after to us. We asked them to come by one I was in my room.

They saw ds when he was 3 hours old. He hadn't changed much in that 3 hours, but I had had a shower and some food and had changed immeasurably.

If you MIL wants to see someone covered in goo - buy her a ticket for a horror film.

AbbeyA · 28/10/2008 21:30

Insist on doing it your way.

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