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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want PILs/Parents to visit hospital after baby is born and in visiting hours?

101 replies

Gettingbiggernow · 28/10/2008 20:52

DH thinks that we should ring round all the family the minute I go into labour, and have them all waiting in the waiting room for the baby to be born, whereupon they will be ushered in to view new DGC asap after the birth. Ideally he would see no reason why our sisters, brothers and grandparents etc should also not be there in the waiting room (like the movies )

I, on the other hand, would rather they were told I have gone into labour only after I have progressed to hospital, and then just our parents invited to see the baby at visiting time the first day, (or at least when I and the baby have had chance to recover a little), and everyone else the day after/wait til we get home from hospital and come the day after that.

AIBU or AIB a total killjoy?

OP posts:

jnmum · 28/10/2008 23:45

I would say that his suggestion is really stressing you out, that you are worried about the pain, the labour and how it'll go and the last thing you want now is an extra worry. Say that you would rather be alone (without him) than have an entourage. Say it is your body and your labour. If nothing else ask your midwife to speak to him.

TheWheelsOnTheBusHaveFallenOff · 28/10/2008 23:49

YANBU at all... apparently I was "naughty"! for not telling PIL until ds had arrived.... they came to see him when he was less than a day old then stood there gawping while I bf'd him .... I felt like I was in a zoo. not good. it is YOUR event, with your DH of course and as someone rightly says, it's not a spectator sport!

just say that a) there is no waiting room because b) it is hospital policy that hoardes of family don't come in to hospital unless you're kept in for more than a day or so. and c) it's not fair on everyone else in the labour ward / post natal ward. They'll never know if this is true or not - don't bother having an argument with them or DH in advance, it will sort itself out when your lovely baby arrives and DH realises he wants you and dc all to himself anyway - or that whatever YOU want YOU get - you will just have given birth after all!

BitOfFun · 29/10/2008 08:40

Sibble, no polite way of saying this, but your mother sounds like a total loon! :-)

Libra1975 · 29/10/2008 08:49

" She even had his face removed from our wedding photo which is hanging on her wall"

Wow, that's serious dedication to being p1ssed off with your DH. What did you say when she did this?

mouseman · 29/10/2008 09:01

don't get me started on this one - I still can't contain my inner rage at MIL at BOTH of my childrens' births.

ninedragons · 29/10/2008 09:20

Tell your DH that yes, they can come if as a sign of his solidarity he takes off all his clothes, douses himself in blood and poo, and greets all visitors thus.

Really, tell him to get a bloody grip. A friend of mine had an emergency CS and when she came round, both her parents and her ILs had cuddled and been photographed with her baby before she had. This was some years ago and she is still sad that she was robbed of her privileged moment.

purplemonkeydishwasher · 29/10/2008 09:23

I wasn't even THERE when MIL saw DS for the first time. I had to be taken to theatre to get stictched up and she swanned in (at 10pm no less) to see her grandson. (my parents are overseas so didn't get to see him until he was 3 weeks old)

things will be VERY DIFFERENT this time.

WorzselMummage · 29/10/2008 09:31

My Mum was there when DD was born and she was great but the thought of having my who family waiting outside for news is completly eurgh !

Talk about pressure !

Upwind · 29/10/2008 09:35

Not unreasonable - I am the same. I do not want any relatives informed until after the baby is born and we've had a chance to recover.

Am even considering having a key cut for my bedroom door when at home

TheHedgeWitch · 29/10/2008 09:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

yomellamoHelly · 29/10/2008 09:42

Would not want them anywhere near the delivery room. Too much blood and gore, never mind baked bodies! I'm embarrassed by the the photos dh took straight after ds1 as much flesh (mine) was on display - wasn't thinking straight, just in the moment. Some people saw those photos who shouldn't have.
PIL met ds1 when he was 3 days old just as we were leaving the hospital. It was still too much for him and he went mental and I had to kick everyone out the room for an hour to settle him back down. Never expected that. And that was just 2 people.
Apart from that I remember reading that the average first labour was 47 hours long - so not really realistic to expect them to hang around. Equally both times it took a while to get checked over and stitched and cleaned up after (4 hours with ds1, 2 hours with ds2). No-one would have been allowed in the room apart from dh during that anyway. Plenty of time or them to hear db had arrived and come over if they absolutely had to.
There's also the matter of needing to realise you're a 3 person family unit and having time to let that sink in beore you face the world.

yomellamoHelly · 29/10/2008 09:46

naked bodies even

Upwind · 29/10/2008 09:50

"Too much blood and gore, never mind baked bodies!"

Rather gruesome delivery room scenario, even for this time of year! Though another poster did mention her FIL got sunstroke while waiting at the hospital...

chequersandchess · 29/10/2008 09:55

Oh god no, don't do it!!

A family friend had a home birth and upon hearing she was in labour the DH's extended family all turned up at the house and proceded to get pissed while they waited for her to perform

chequersandchess · 29/10/2008 10:01

Also, you might have the baby outside of visiting hours. DH was sent home not long after DD was born, they're hardly going to be allowed to visit if it's nighttime.

I'm sorry, but he's actually being a bit of a twat and really has no idea what could be in store.

MrsTittleMouse · 29/10/2008 10:02

YANBU at all.
Even after DD2 was born (which was a completely natural straight-forward birth from a medical point of view) it took an hour to get the placenta out, then we had to cut the cord, get DD2 weighed and checked out, me sewn up for a small tear, me showered... It took hours to get me into my pajamas and into a fit state to receive visitors. And even that comparatively fast and easy (well, not easy, but you know what I mean) took 6 hours from arriving in hospital (well into active labour). Your DH's family would get so bored.
Leet's not even go into DD1's delivery.

cory · 29/10/2008 10:03

At our hospital they'd only allow one person onto labour ward- and that was your birth companion, so normally dh/dp.
Only fair as women are going to be walking around the corridors actually in labour; they won't want hordes of other people's FILs hanging around. Tell them only one person allowed!

Once you get into the maternity ward you're going to be sharing a room with 3 other exhausted women- so it's visiting hours only. Just tell them it's regulations.

Explain that you may well give birth at 2 am.

Ask if they had an operation, would they really want a group of visitors for the woman in the next bed to turn up at 3 o'clock in the morning.

Tinkerisdead · 29/10/2008 10:05

read this thread with interest i i had this exact "discussion" with MIL this week. we're having a home birth and ive told my family we wont be calling anyone when im in labour, that i want it to be just DH and I focusing on the job in hand and i know people will call.
MIL grabbed DH this week by the lapels and said "you will tell me when she starts wont you!". he said no, she kicked off big style that she would worry, and i explained you'd worry more if you knew i'd been in labour for 24 hours and heard nothing! she agreed and admitted she would phone. I told her if the phone rings im gonna put it in the birth pool. That despite her being worried and ringing, that i'd be the poor cow on the other end who's been in labour 24hrs and DH is on the phone!!!
i then explained that they will not be allowed to visit for at least 8 hours as im making the provision for us to be able to sleep, regardless if we actually do sleep or not. I have planned time in for just the three of us without interuption.
YANBU - stick to your guns, you need to be relaxed as possible and not worrying about the audience waiting outside for the show to begin!!!!!

lou031205 · 29/10/2008 10:08

I think in a way straight after birth is an ideal time. You can give birth, have a feed, then whisk parents in with a "just a minute because they need to sort us out". They see their GC, which is all they want, and see that you are alive at least, then they get ushered out 3 minutes later - pressure gone.

dsrplus8 · 29/10/2008 11:39

childbirth is a deeply personal event ,not a spectator sport, tell them to visit when ur up to it.my daft sister had a horrendious labour with her first....the birth wasnt too bad ...our mother was in the delivery room and keep telling my sis she was giving birth wrong,eventually midwife threw her out and let sis n bil get peace. keep them at a distance!!!!

Upwind · 29/10/2008 11:41

".the birth wasnt too bad ...our mother was in the delivery room and keep telling my sis she was giving birth wrong"

The last person in the world I would want in the delivery room is my own mother. MIL would be sweet but so very anxious she would drive me bonkers.

dsrplus8 · 29/10/2008 11:46

upwind ur lucky, my mum "is" bonkers, as result of past behaviour she doesnt even know i had the twins, shes never seen them. i just wish my sis had a backbone,sigh .

dsrplus8 · 29/10/2008 11:49

sorry , that was tmi ,& going off topic

Upwind · 29/10/2008 11:50

Actually, mine is bonkers too, to the extent that I am concerned about her even holding my baby & would certainly never let her be alone with them. Luckily she lives quite far away!

LoolaBoys · 29/10/2008 11:54

To the OP, as you can see from all the replies YANBU. OF course the family would be worried if they knew. I went into labour with DS1 at PILs house. FIL was so stressed out he had to go to bed, and I only had a 4 hour labour. My Mum asked both times to be phones when I went into labour. She didn't get called either time. She would only have got stressed too.
It is a private thing and your DH is crazy. He needs to understand it is you going through the birth not him. I'm sure he wouldn't like visitors after such a massive physical exertion

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