To want PILs/Parents to visit hospital after baby is born and in visiting hours?

[Gettingbiggernow]

DH thinks that we should ring round all the family the minute I go into labour, and have them all waiting in the waiting room for the baby to be born, whereupon they will be ushered in to view new DGC asap after the birth. Ideally he would see no reason why our sisters, brothers and grandparents etc should also not be there in the waiting room (like the movies )

I, on the other hand, would rather they were told I have gone into labour only after I have progressed to hospital, and then just our parents invited to see the baby at visiting time the first day, (or at least when I and the baby have had chance to recover a little), and everyone else the day after/wait til we get home from hospital and come the day after that.

AIBU or AIB a total killjoy?

God, how can parents DO this to their children?

OP, next time it's mentioned with any MILs in the room, turn it to her and get the stories of her births and who was at them, who was waiting etc. You'll either find that, hey, guess what, nobody was phoned beforehand, or that hundreds of people were there and she hated it (like all these posters) or that hundreds of people were there and she loved it, to which you can just say 'It's great that you enjoyed it so much, but we're all different aren't we?'

My MIL keeps telling us how her entire extended family including cousins were waiting in the hospital for her births. I think she hopes that similar will happen for ours. We don't have the heart to set her straight.

Let me see...

I went two weeks overdue, ILs finally stopped ringing us when I had stopped answering the phone to them, they rang DPs mobile, I answered it and told them nicely that baby won't come any faster if they keep phoning, and that we would tell them when there is something to tell.

So, fast forward to at least an hour after a ventouse birth -

Legs shaking uncontrollably cos they'd been in stirrups that long. Baby put for skin to skin and vomited sludge all over me which was basically his own poo cos he'd been in distress. I'd had contractions on and off for a week so had very little sleep for a week, long traumatic birth and didn't even want to hold the baby for the first half hour - I would NOT have wanted mil to ever find out about that bit. If anyone had come in the room 10 mins after the birth they'd have found me looking like I'd just been through a spin cycle, and dp crying while our baby was still being resucitated and we still didn't even know whether it was a boy or a girl, because checking between his legs wasn't vital to trying to save him.
This was at 6am. We phoned them all at 6.30, my parents came for afternoon and ils who live further away came for the evening.

If ANYONE had come in that room I'd have leapt off the bed, stirrups or not, and killed them.

So, you'll have to do what I do with DP and LIE.

Tell him you have phoned the hospital to check whether there is a waiting room outside the delivery suite.

Then tell him (as your nose grows lol) that the hospital have told you very clearly that only one person is allowed to be with you in the delivery room, no one is allowed to wait in any of the corridors/rooms in the delivery suite, and that visitors apart from father/birthpartner are ONLY allowed at official visiting times.

At official visiting times they only allow 2 visitors to a bed so tell him they will have to decide who is allowed to come on that first day and that as you'll probably be out the next day (for me it was 2 weeks ) then they can visit when you get home.

And THAT will be a whole new AIBU thread!!!

i would definitely recommend the no IL's or DM &D anywhere near the birth or immediately thereafter
i had my (controlling abrasive demanding) mum in the delivery room with me and DH and i wish i hadnt have bothered!! between her telling me off for pushing and demanding the midwife "do her job and stop talking on the phone" (she was calling the anaesthetist for my epidural which i didnt get) and calling my DH selfish for wanting to hold his 10 min old DD for longer than 5 seconds cos she wanted to hold her (she is my granddaughter afterall) i know my birth experience would have been so much better without her in the picture!!
im glad my IL's are not interfering im any way where my DD is concerned as that would be interferance overkill
good luck with the birth and i hopen you get this sorted soon
xx ei xx

I think he has definitely been watching too much american TV - why is it on Friends that they all go to the hospital en masse everytime someone goes into labour and then spend days there? I have explained to dh that this doesn't happen in real life!!

Not just friends, it happens in other shows and movies too. "Knocked up" springs to mind.

Don't know if this really happens in the US or not...

don't do it. at my DDs birth i had my mil in the room with me! she works at the hospital and came down to see me and never left, which annoyed me but i never said anything.
i had DS 2 weeks ago and opted for a home birth. mil turned up 10 minutes after the phone call to say he'd arrived! she was in the kitchen having a cuddle as i was being stitched.
in the interests of family relations i have kept my mouth shut, but it has pissed me off no end, believe me. my DH is an only child so i sort of understand her, but i know she resents my mum and my relationship with her, as my mum was asked to be at the birth, but only coz my DH is pants and not good with blood and stuff!

FWIW, I vaguely thought we'd ring our parents when labour started, expecting a 48 hour first-time marathon, and decide then when they might visit. I also had my sister with me as birth partner #2, with special responsibility for relative-wrangling and keeping them away.
In the event though, we saw/spoke to them all the night before with the usual "it'll be ages yet", I woke my DP to tell him contractions had started at 6 am, and our DS had been born by noon. They were a bit surprised to be called to be told he was already here - not nearly as surprised as we were - and we invited them to come straight up to see us in the birth centre that afternoon (I'd had a shower and was still all adrenalined-up). Actually found it quite nice to see them all at once, then buy ourselves a couple of peaceful days to recover.
I suppose my point is that I made that decision to invite them after the birth had happened - I quite agree YANBU to have the stress of knowing they're mooching around waiting, and I'm sure the staff wherever you have your baby will feel the same way.

Wht is it with men thinking childbirth is a spectator sport.

I would like to have a homebirth and DH respose was ok but we will have to talk to the neighbours about it.

Yeah honey lets call a neighbouhood meeting!

The thought of our neighbours being aware that I'm at home giving birth just makes my skin crawl.

Oh terrible spelling I meant 'what' not wht
'response' not respose. Neighbourhood not beighbouhood

This is an important learning experience for you, your DH and both families.

You and he need to tell them when YOU want them to visit/phone and that they are not ALLOWED to hassle you at any other time. Because it is not just the birth - with insensitive intefering types like them you need to be brutal or your first few weeks are going to be hell. You will have nothing but unwanted visits, phone calls and misplaced advice.

It is not 'luck' that makes your baby latch on and breastfeed - you both need the space and privacy to learn to do it together. Without your MIL and the rest of the clan.

If you don't lay down a few ground rules now you will be posting on MN in due course complaining that your inlaws are making your life hell - don't let it happen. YOU, your DH and your BABY are the new family...everyone else has all the time in the world to get to know the new arrival.

Thanks all!

I am going to firmly tell DH what I do and don't want regarding this because it is winding me up just thinking about it.

The thing is TheProvincialLady, I am quite sure I will be posting on here in 6 mths complaining about unwanted visits etc - of course I want all the family to be involved but I kind of get the idea I will have to make myself and the baby available for viewing 24/7 (ie at everyone else's convenience).

Can honestly picture DH saying "Mum and Dad want to spend some time with the baby tomorrow, I've told them you'll be in anyway aren't you, Mum wants to bring Grandma too" etc (say when the baby is 8 wks old).

Nothing wrong with his family visiting but I feel an expectation to be: presentable, calm, perfect picture of mother/baby, in control, a natural at BF, back in pre-preg clothes asap and have a ready stock of chocolate biscuits and the teaset at the ready for entertaining. (his mum is always saying how easy she found all of this).

God knows how he'd cope if I got PND to any degree, (perish the thought!!)

I sometimes think he is more concerned about their feelings than mine because he knows I'll "be alright" whereas he would hate to upset his parents in any way and expects me to put myself out in this way too.

gettingbiggernow- you need to voice your opinion now. I am talking from experience, I thought it wouldn't bother me but they came in immediately after birth (I didn't need stitches) so I was in shock after having such a quick birth and becoming a mother, I felt completely violated especially that my PIL saw me covered in my own blood having not been given the opportunity to clean myself up, I was alway breast feeding which later my MIL later told me was unnatural (she is a witch)- anyway it has totally destroyed my relationship with my PIL as I feel it infringed on my control of situations etc.

Still very hard now as preg with dc2 wehave decided to not contact until after the birth... I also felt like a performing monkey as I didn't know how long it would take and knew they were awaiting the birth- dreadful experience all round, I've got upset talking about it now

Totally agree with everything that has been said. My DH had ideas of calling MIL when I went into labour which I wasn't happy about as did not want her performing a vigil in the hospital.

She shot herself in the foot by calling every day for a week around my due date and when I did go into labour we were both too concerned with that to call anyone.

Plus DD arrived at midnight so there was no way she could visit and when we called the next day we were waiting to be discharged so she had to wait until we were back home. That time with new baby is important.

When she did come, she sat here whilst poor sleep deprived OH waited on her. Didn't even offer to put the kettle on (sorry, whole other story).

After what one poster has said I would advise OP to add to your birthplan that if for some reason you are unconscious after birth only your DH to meet your baby before you.

At the hospital my dd was born in, there were no facilities for anyone other than dp/birth partner to be waiting around during labour/birth and no friends/relatives whatsoever were allowed in either the delivery suite or maternity wards outside of visiting hours (which were pretty limited). So you might well find that this is almost a non-issue because the hospital won't permit numerous other relatives to be waiting in the wings for you to deliver and troop in immediately afterwards

You're giving birth and you're feelings during that time are paramount - can his parents really not wait 24 hours for you to catch your breath and have a shower?

Gettingbiggernow, I agree with everyone who said you need to demand privacy for the first few hours after the birth.

But regarding the first few weeks when you are home with the baby, and possibly fed up with visitors. Well...would it be a good idea to have a code word or phrase that you use to let your dh know that you're about to crack up, if he doesn't get rid of all these people. My dh is really bad at picking up my signals in situations like that.
And remember you can always say you want to "attend" to baby upstairs; leave the room, lock your bedroom door, and have a rest. Let them say what they want about you
Finally, don't try to be supermom. Lie on the couch and receive visitors. DO NOT make tea for them, accept that they will find something to critisise, so at least make yourself, your baby and then your dh happy.

oh my god!!! i cant believe how peoples relitives behave!! My mother was insistent she would be there i was JUST as insistent that she so would not be. She kept going on and on that she would be there as i would "fall apart" and wouldnt be able to cope with labour. She finally gave up when she told my community midwife she would be there and i embarassed her as i said " i have told u several times that u wont and just cause you couldnt cope doesnt mean i wont" . (i was fantasic by the way!!!)

I also wrote on my birth plan that NO-ONE was allowed in except my husband (who was equally fantastic) and when my mother did dare phone the labour suite the receptionist knew to "probe" as to where she was phoning from and i wouldnt have put it past her to have been in the carpark (in fairness she wasnt!!). My hubby also knew it would be a fate worse than death if ANYONE - bar him - got to see or cuddle the baby first.

It sounds like it's your first baby. He is very excited and very naive. Tell him to knob off.

omg, gettingbigger if your mil is always telling you what a breeze she found it all you don't want her on the same planet as you postnatally

Yanbu

I bet your baby comes at 3am. Your ils will not want to be sitting around a manky hospital waiting room then. good luck

He has a birth plan? Bless.
He does know it is you who is giving birth though, does he?
In our case, all family were told in advance, we would let them know when baby came and when we were ready for visitors.
Good thing too, it took 4 days and an emergency CS!
After that I was in no mood for visitors, believe me .
YANBU
Put it nicely, if you have to coz I think they should respect your wishes anyway, and say 'I'd rather you wait till we've both completely recovered and been checked out so you can spend some proper time with DGC without being interrupted.

YANBU. Tell your DH that what you say goes and if he doesn't like it then thats just tough tits.

On another note though, I had DH and my dad there for the birth of DD. DH for most of it and dadtowards the end. It was nice for DH (and me) to have the company TBH, I was in labour for 59 hours and was gibbering towards the end.