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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want PILs/Parents to visit hospital after baby is born and in visiting hours?

101 replies

Gettingbiggernow · 28/10/2008 20:52

DH thinks that we should ring round all the family the minute I go into labour, and have them all waiting in the waiting room for the baby to be born, whereupon they will be ushered in to view new DGC asap after the birth. Ideally he would see no reason why our sisters, brothers and grandparents etc should also not be there in the waiting room (like the movies )

I, on the other hand, would rather they were told I have gone into labour only after I have progressed to hospital, and then just our parents invited to see the baby at visiting time the first day, (or at least when I and the baby have had chance to recover a little), and everyone else the day after/wait til we get home from hospital and come the day after that.

AIBU or AIB a total killjoy?

OP posts:
CandleQueen · 28/10/2008 21:33

My PIL and SIL's all arrived at hospital the morning after my induction started. DS1 didn't arrive until the next afternoon, by which time SIL's should have been back at work and my FIL had got sunstroke.
DS1 was born by forceps in theatre, and as I was wheeled, semi-concious, back to my delivery room I discovered 6 members of our family waiting for me. I felt like shit, I looked like shit, and I certainly didn't want a audience.
Second time around I made sure it was just DP & I alone with DS2 until visiting time. I even had time to do my hair and put make-up on!
What you want is what is important. You might sail through birth, but it isn't called labour for nothing and you might well need time to yourselves. What's a couple of hours for your family to wait?

motherinferior · 28/10/2008 21:35

I think you might need to start making it clear to your DH that some of these decisions are individual/joint ones. Like, you know, breastfeeding and sleep and so on.

Original poster
Gettingbiggernow · 28/10/2008 21:35

Don't worry dilbertina, although it's my DC1 I am under no illusions that it will be a sticky/smelly/undignified process!!!

Good point some have made about there not even being a waiting room - I think I will find that out first and then that puts paid to any waiting room party!

I mean, I will presumably want a bit of bonding time with new baby and DH, the first breastfeed (if I am lucky and baby latches on), plus a clean nightie on and perhaps a cup of tea all before receiving visitors...

I know some would want their Mum in there but I just want DH cos my Mum although lovely, is the sort who is reverential to medics and would probably want to tell the consultant all about her dicky knee etc at the most inappropriate time in other words she would be a lovely hindrance rather than a help.

OP posts:
sb6699 · 28/10/2008 21:35

When I had DD1 and DD2 the hospital didn't let anyone in outside visiting hours anyway (although they did when I had DS but that was 10 yrs ago). So you could use that excuse.

My mil was none to pleased that she didn't get a phone call until after I'd given birth but my dh just told her that everything happened really fast (which it did).

I think you need to explain to your dh that after giving birth you will want a bath/shower, establish feeding and have a sleep before you will be able for any visitors.

Is this your first baby - if so maybe your dh just doesn't realise how tiring it will be for you and it will hit home when he actually sees for himself.

Original poster
Gettingbiggernow · 28/10/2008 21:47

sb6699 yes it is our first - DH knows it could take ages but really he thinks that I will sweat a bit for 30mins before popping it out, baby will have a quick bath to make it presentable for parents before they are invited in literally 10mins after birth.

He is aware of: long labours, stitches, complications, exhaustion, poo, goo, wee, sticky stuff, smelly stuff and the potential difficulties of BF - but he doesn't think it will apply to me, or him, or us . Or if it does, can it not all be cleared away in 10 mins, ha. He is not a clean freak type either who can't bear mess/body fluids, but he is mentally eliminating anything that contradicts HIS birth plan!! That's it - my DH has a birth plan!!!

I have told him it's what I want and he agrees it's whatever I want but it irks me that he is "conceding" this like it's a favour to me if he doesn't ring our DPs as soon as I go into labour etc - he doesn't truly see my point.

OP posts:
sb6699 · 28/10/2008 21:54

LOL - "my DH has a birth plan!!"

noonki · 28/10/2008 22:01

Oh make him read this! Also I bet his Mum doesn't want to sit out in some hospital coridoor for god knows how long.

AbbeyA · 28/10/2008 22:04

I should have a quiet word with your families and tell them that your DH is getting over excited and to ignore him!!

TinkerBellesMum · 28/10/2008 22:09

You need to pat him gently on the head and say "there there dear"!

I don't remember any ickiness, I was surprised when Mum said she'd take my skirt to wash, I asked why and she said it was covered in blood. The only thing I remember is the water being cut after birth and wooshing up my back, I think I may have squealed The second baby I slept through the birth so everything seemed pretty clean to me.

Original poster
Gettingbiggernow · 28/10/2008 22:19

AbbeyA - good idea but TBH the DM's would both hate to think they were actually missing out on something.

Eg when we were going for 20wk scan, my DM said she didn't want us to find out the sex (note: not that she doesn't want to know -she didn't want us to know either!! a subtle difference).

I said DH and I would quite like to know the sex, thanks, but if she didn't then we will find out but not tell her.

She was miffed about that "You'll have to lie and say you didn't find out because it will annoy me otherwise"

DH's DM is equally opinionated.

So if I tell them in advance that we WON'T tell them until after the baby is born they will be extra suspicious from the due date onwards, my mum will be ringing just to see if she can detect any pain in my voice (ie am I in labour).

nooki - you are right though, DParents will not want to sit waiting in reality (my dad will be missing Heartbeat or Gardeners World or something whereas my mum will be wishing she'd brought her new Maeve Binchy with her...)

OP posts:
Original poster
Gettingbiggernow · 28/10/2008 22:23

Sorry, noonki - name typo.

TinkerBellesMum, hopefully there won't be too much ickiness (but am prepared for it anyway!!) The consolation is that the staff have seen it all before (I hope!)

OP posts:
Ebb · 28/10/2008 22:23

I was adamant that I did not want anyone told that I was in labour. I would have gone mental if any relatives had shown up on the labour ward or soon after.

As it was I went into labour in the wee hours of the morning and had had DS by 10.20am so was never an option but everyone was firmly told they could visit when I got home and by appointment only. Queen Ebb reigns! You are the one giving birth - it's your choice and your DH should respect that.

TinkerBellesMum · 28/10/2008 22:29

You won't even know about ickiness as they will clean up before you can see it. It's not uncommon to open your bowels (to be polite lol) whilst in labour and they don't even tell you, just move it before you can see. They will even tell you you don't need to if you tell them because you can't tell the difference in labour because baby presses down on your bowels in the same way and you risk delivering down the loo if you do go.

wilbur · 28/10/2008 22:33

Haven't had time the read the whole thread but yanbu and also, from the midwives I know - they hate, hate, hate having whole families hanging around waiting for babies to be born. It's disturbing for other women coming in as they always have to walk past the waiting room, plus people make noise which disturbs labouring women. Have the midwives completely on your side rather than fed up that you have brought a gang with you.

MuAHAHAHAHAHmi · 28/10/2008 22:34

Why doesn't he just go the whole hog. Invite them all into the delivery room, crack open the champagne, pass round the nibbles and get the camcorder on the go

"Family event" my arse. The only other family who needs to be there are you and him - just as it was at conception

YANBU!

mumeeee · 28/10/2008 22:35

YANBU. I know when I gave birth to my children the only person I wanted to be ther was Dh. I think your plan is sensible.

Linnet · 28/10/2008 22:35

When I had a tour of the labour ward with my frist pregnancy the midwives told us that you were only allowed to have your birthing partner with you during labour and you were discouraged from having family/friends haging around in the tiny waiting area. We were also told that nobody would be allowed to see you on the labour ward after the birth, all visitors had to visit on the ward within visiting hours only.

dd1 was born at midnight so I had no visitors until 3pm the next day which was when visiting started.

with dd2 she was born at 5.30pm and by the time I got up to the ward visiting hours were nearly finished but they let my granny and dd1 come in to see us and stay for a little while.

UmSami · 28/10/2008 22:42

Be tough! My 1st labour was interupted by innumerable calls from in-laws wanting to see how we were doing...in the end I told my DH that if he didnt turn his Flipping phone off I'd stick it somewhere he wouldnt find it for a while...hospital didnt seem to mind the interuptions , especially as it was a consultant lead birth, baby in distress, prolapse cord, and near miss c-section...dh oblivious to all this...dh wanted to see babys hair whlst cons covered in sweat having spent 30+ mins with his head between my legs trying to get fetal blood sample! I told him that NOW was not the time!
Anyhoo, good news IL's in london, we were in Manc so at least it took thm a few hours to get there.
When they did get there, whilst it was lovely to see them meet DS they didn't leave! ANd dont count on the midwifes to get you your privacy...mine didnt seem to care, we were in a single room and they just let them come and go as they pleased when all I wanted was some peace and quiet and 'family time'
Whilst I know that they were acting with the best on intentions it didnt make things any easier for me, and as hubby was all caught up in the excitment of the moment he really found it hard to see...
Its good to share your joy, but stand up for your space too!

alphabetsoup · 28/10/2008 22:44

getting bigger, another issue is that all those potential visiors wil most likely inhibit your labour and prevent you "letting go" to get the baby out. seriously. get dh to tell them no. they can see you and the baby when you are ready and not before.

Star1ightExpress · 28/10/2008 23:00

??

My baby was born in water. I stayed there naked for 40mins feeding. Then I got out and showered and went to the loo, then the mw examined the damage, then she examined the placenta (now 1.5 hours after birth), then she went looking for a light to stitch me and reported back it was in use so then we waited 20 mins for an assistant to hold a torch. Then she stitched, then I had tea and toast, then my DH tidied up whilst I bf again.

All this faffing took nearly 4 hours post-birth.

wehaveallbeenthere · 28/10/2008 23:22

I'm hoping your DH is just really, really excited at having this baby. Explain to him that this is a "private" matter and he can akin (minus the baby of course) to him having a surprise prostrate exam...that could take hours or minutes...with maybe a surprise operation!!! Of course having a baby is a happier event but you need the privacy and recovery time and so does the baby. After it is all over you will be able to tell the tale over and over (and you will) to all the relatives and friends. It's important that you and baby just get through it and be healthy and happy.

Sibble · 28/10/2008 23:28

YANBU. IMO I'ts not a specatator sport!

I had similar debates but with my mother. She was insistant she should be called as soon as I went into labour so she could be there. I told her up front and frankly I couldn't think of anything worse. All her friends had been at their grandchildren's birth though. Dh called her 30 mins after ds1 was born. They arrived as I was being transferred post c/s to the ward. Step-dad first who said - 'Just warning you she's in a foul mood, why didn't you just let her come sooner '. She spent a hour with us with a face like a slapped and still now only speaks to dh through gritted teeth nearly 9 years later as HE deprived her of her special moment!!! She even had his face removed from our wedding photo which is hanging on her wall I have never told her that my best friend was there through most of the labour. She pitched up un-announced and kept dh entertained while I was throwing up and wailing etc . Only have there who you want.

It's your special day. Don't give in to anybody but I would make it very clear up front so there's no misunderstandings.

DS2 - no probs. We were in NZ and we had no visitors .

TinkerBellesMum · 28/10/2008 23:32

Sibble, have you pointed out to your mother that only one person is allowed in theatre if you have a CS awake? So even if she had been at the hospital she wouldn't have been at the birth.

ceciliaaherne · 28/10/2008 23:33

YANBU

It puts tremendous pressure on you to deliver the goods .

Call them soon after, some hospitals are ok about letting them in for a few mins.

jnmum · 28/10/2008 23:43

well I was in labour for 3 days and then had an emergency caesarean. I didn't want or have visitors for 2 days because I was in alot of pain and too tired to talk. There is no way I would have wanted visitors straight after the birth.