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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that DD should have been invited?

213 replies

musicposy · 17/10/2008 10:03

Ok, on one hand this is trivial. But DD is hurt, and I am a bit, too.

My best friend has a little girl just a bit younger than my DD2. We look after her every day and take her to and collect her from school. She's my goddaughter. She and DD2 are thick as thieves, play with each other the whole time she is here (about 3 hours a day) and rarely fall out. DD would count her among her closest friends.

She's just having her 7th birthday party this week....but DD has not been invited. I could understand this if she had only had, say 4 people, as DD is not at school in her class with her, but she's invited loads of children, one of whom only joined her class about 2 weeks ago. Every time she is here she keeps on and on talking about it, how much fun it will be, she's having a pony there all day (plus loads of other stuff- money is no object for them, unlike us), and DD is getting a bit upset.

DD didn't have a birthday party this year, and I'm wondering if that's behind it. I'm tempted to phone mum and at least ask her to stop the child constantly talking about it while she is here. Would you? Or is it just not worth worrying about?

I fell better at posting, anyway.

OP posts:
LazyLinePainterJane · 17/10/2008 10:05

Are you sure she hasn't been invited because it sounds really odd? Maybe your friend and her DD just assume that your DD will come, as in, they are so close they don't think she needs an invitation?

If not, then it stinks.

FimboGotAxed · 17/10/2008 10:07

Are the girls at the same school?

I don't think you can stop the little girl from talking about her party tbh. I do agree it seems a tad unfair.

I have birthday issues too this year, but my friends children are not at my ds's school and are all girls, so I am just going to bite the bullet and tell them I am not inviting them.

AbbaFan · 17/10/2008 10:08

Hopefully it is a mistake, I can't believe you BF would leave her out.

Difficult though, because it would be so awkward to ask.

AnarchyAunt · 17/10/2008 10:08

What LLPJ said.

And also, DD has been taught that its bad mannered and mean to talk about parties to those not invited. Don't know how to handle another child doing it, but YANBU to be miffed by it.

Original poster
musicposy · 17/10/2008 10:09

No, she definitely hasn't been invited. The girl has started talking about it a couple of times to DD in front of her dad and he's tried to shush her, so I think he probably feels a bit uncomfortable, at least.

OP posts:
FimboGotAxed · 17/10/2008 10:10

How approachable is your bf? Can you phone her and tell her dd is upset about not being invited?

AbbaFan · 17/10/2008 10:10

With regards to the 'party' girl talking about it - I would actually take her aside and tell her it's insensitive to talk about it in front of your DD.

Lauriefairycake · 17/10/2008 10:11

if she's your best friend then you need to ask her straight out, she's the one person you should be able to be totally straight with, no?

iheartdusty · 17/10/2008 10:11

Oh, your poor DD. I bet she does feel sad. But perhaps there is a reason behind it?

we are going to be in a similar situation soon. My DD has a very good friend out of school, she doesn't see her as much as your DD does her friend, but they adore each other. However when it comes to DD's birthday she will be sharing a party with a school friend and the guest list is school friends only. This other girl doesn't know anybody from the school, and we really have to keep the numbers down.
So I have invited the other girl to a special tea, just before the party, and I have told DD not to talk to her about the party. It has been a tricky decision, the friend's mum is good at remembering birthdays, she will know that DD will be having a party and I am not sure how to tell her that her daughter won't be invited.

You could try the reverse. What about phoning the mum and saying that as her dd's birthday is coming up soon would she like to come to a special tea with your dd? it might at least get her to explain why your DD has not been invited. And make sure your DD has a really super day instead.

Original poster
musicposy · 17/10/2008 10:13

No, they're not at the same school any more - they used to be, but she's still an infant and DD is a junior. I think it could be just that everyone she's asked is in her class at school. But it's still upsetting for DD - she knows them all.

OP posts:
Twiglett · 17/10/2008 10:14

are you sure it has not just been assumed .. you're the grown up speak to your BF about it and tell her that DD is upset and is there any chance she can have an invitation please?

She's your BF, I am sure there has been a misunderstanding

kitbit · 17/10/2008 10:14

Maybe say to the friend herself quietly and gently out of earshot that as your dd isn't going can she maybe be careful not to mention it? Then you can see from her reaction whether or not it's a mistake? It does seem very weird.
Did the other girl and her mum think that dd DID have a party? Perhaps they thought they'd been missed!

Fillyjonk · 17/10/2008 10:14

its all very odd really, this party politics stuff

I mean, surely a party is not about upsetting people, or social oneupmanship or anything.

to parties we just invite as many people as we think would even possibly like to come, and buy a bigger cake. Or else don't HAVE a bloody party.

nappyaddict · 17/10/2008 10:14

it does seem a bit odd

TskullsScreaming · 17/10/2008 10:14

I hate this sort of thing. It is hurtful to be so close and uninvited.

Sounds like she's trying to forge relations with classmates and is sticking to them. Does the mum know your dd didn't have a party last birthday or maybe she's got the idea that your dd did something with just her school friends?

It is a minefield. I'd be hurt too, but would probably leave off saying anything unless it crops up in conversation in a way that can be mentioned in a offhand way.

Fillyjonk · 17/10/2008 10:14

(oh and you are not being unreasobable, not at all.

just fgs at the whole thing, really)

Mulanmum · 17/10/2008 10:15

Confront your so-called friend. If she doesn't have an explanation that satisfies you then tell her to make alternative arrangements for taking and collecting her daughter from school.

jumpingbeans · 17/10/2008 10:18

I would be on the phone quicker than that, sorry, but I am not one to pussyfoot around, I would want to know why my dd had been left out, this is not not just a classmate/freind down the road, type party, fgs, she is your goddaughter, and you sound pretty close families.

cocoleBOO · 17/10/2008 10:21

I agree it's odd and very hurtful, but I wouldn't mention it. At best you're going to get a pity invite because you put the Mum on the spot.

It's horrible for your DD but it isn't her party.

SarkyandGeorge · 17/10/2008 10:24

I would be tempted to just crash the party, although I know realistically I would never have the guts to do something like that!

(BTW, I don't mean crash the party to ruin it, just turn up acting like she was meant to be there all along...)

Back to mature land now. I can see why your friend may have decided to do this. She may feel that her DD needs to not be so dependent on a single friend but to spread her wings more, but a party like this is not the correct time to do it. If they stay friends it can keep hurting your DD for years to come. If it is going to be the big event you've said then there will be plenty of photos and the children will keep talking about it. Talk to your friend. She's not being fair on your daughter.

Twiglett · 17/10/2008 10:27

YOU NEED TO PICK UP THE PHONE AND SPEAK TO YOUR BEST FRIEND

there are no two ways about it

you are the adult

it will be difficult to start but just tell her how upset your DD is and ask if there's a reason you can give her why she's not invited or whether she can come

it's not much of a friend (of yours) who wilfully leaves out a child her own daughter plays with daily for hours

I am SURE it's a mistake

If it's not get a new friend and stop childminding for her

TskullsScreaming · 17/10/2008 10:27

But who wants to go to a party if they have to ask for the invite? There's something odd about this. The dad's reaction when it was mentioned seems strange.

It's not just the party invite either, it seems to alter the friendship subtlely.

I'd leave it for now but after the party you could say dd (and you on her behalf) felt a little hurt to be excluded. The answer will tell you all you need to know about the future of all this. Tricky one though as the other little girl is your goddaughter.

Twiglett · 17/10/2008 10:28

a 7 year old won't mind and adults can pretend the invitation got lost

this is not adult social niceties it is children

FioFio · 17/10/2008 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

cantpickyourfamily · 17/10/2008 10:31

That is really mean, I understand they are not in the same class at school but do not see any reason why your dd is not invited.

TBH I would feel quite hurt about it if I were you as you look after her dd everyday, it seems very strange that your dd is not invited.

Also I agree with what someo one else said it would be very difficult to stop a child talking about anything they are excited about. It is not her fault it is her parents.