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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that DD should have been invited?

213 replies

musicposy · 17/10/2008 10:03

Ok, on one hand this is trivial. But DD is hurt, and I am a bit, too.

My best friend has a little girl just a bit younger than my DD2. We look after her every day and take her to and collect her from school. She's my goddaughter. She and DD2 are thick as thieves, play with each other the whole time she is here (about 3 hours a day) and rarely fall out. DD would count her among her closest friends.

She's just having her 7th birthday party this week....but DD has not been invited. I could understand this if she had only had, say 4 people, as DD is not at school in her class with her, but she's invited loads of children, one of whom only joined her class about 2 weeks ago. Every time she is here she keeps on and on talking about it, how much fun it will be, she's having a pony there all day (plus loads of other stuff- money is no object for them, unlike us), and DD is getting a bit upset.

DD didn't have a birthday party this year, and I'm wondering if that's behind it. I'm tempted to phone mum and at least ask her to stop the child constantly talking about it while she is here. Would you? Or is it just not worth worrying about?

I fell better at posting, anyway.

OP posts:
mabanana · 17/10/2008 12:51

I think there are some major assumptions being made here, esp about the dad. Call her. If she's your best friend and is deliberately excluding your dd while enjoying the benefit of free childcare...well, let's just say, she doesn't seem the best friend to me!

mabanana · 17/10/2008 12:51

But of course, this may be a huge cockup. They happen. Phone her and find out. It will be really hard, but otherwise you will brood and feel resentful forever.

rebelmum1 · 17/10/2008 12:52

Why is this girl at your house everyday? It's really mean, is their a big age difference between them. Not sure what the etiquette is on this stuff, do they know your dd didn't have a party or do they think their dd wasn't invited?

rebelmum1 · 17/10/2008 12:53

If it is the case that she is not invited I'd withdraw all free childcare if that's what you're doing.

FioFio · 17/10/2008 12:54

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BalloonSlayer · 17/10/2008 12:57

Did she say the childcare is free? I can't see that post.

Original poster
musicposy · 17/10/2008 13:03

I haven't rung yet because she's at work until 6pm, but I have sent an email. I wanted to do that first so it didn't all come out wrong. I said that DD was hurt because she thought x was one of her best friends and she can't understand why she's not included, so could she please ask x not to keep talking about it all the time. I havent had a reply yet. I'll phone tonight. I don't see her this afternoon as Friday is the only day we don't pick her up.

My guess is that she thinks DD maybe didn't invite x as they were away over the summer and DD has an August birthday. It was because of the August birthday that we didn't bother - the invite has to be given out over a month in advance and then half the country are on holiday.

Also we have a big group of friends who meet up frequently and maybe she thinks she will then have to ask all those children. I can see the difficulty with the politics over it. But DD is the only one of those she sees virtually every day and they are close. Maybe she just didn't think about it. Anyway, I will have it out with her, not because I want a pity invite, but just to get it in the open that I'm a bit upset.

OP posts:
elkiedee · 17/10/2008 13:04

Very hard, but I think you should at least point out to your friend that not only is your dd hurt at not being invited, but her dd keeps talking about it and rubbing salt in the wound. Say to her you feel a need to find some way out of the continuing upset for your daughter's sake.

If you can, I would try and do it face to face.

docket · 17/10/2008 13:13

Assuming that her DD wasn't invited to your DD's party would be a very poor reason for her not inviting your DD. I really hope this is an innocent mistake because if not I think this woman is very mean indeed.

rebelmum1 · 17/10/2008 13:29

It just sounds plain mean to me. My friend had a party recently and didn't invite my dd but she did it in a very nice way she said they were older girls (as there is an age difference) and they had too many and would I mind, of course I said no problem and we agreed we wouldn't mention the party to my dd. Perfectly reasonable.

rebelmum1 · 17/10/2008 13:30

Sometimes I think people just stick their heads in the sand rather than broach it.

Sycamoretree · 17/10/2008 13:36

You've done the right thing. If you say nothing, it's just going to eat you up over time and could affect your friendship.

At the very least, I would have expected an approach from the mum to explain why there was no invite for my DD, rather than being left to hang like this. It's just not on.

Good luck - hope it is resolved in a positive way.

ANTagony · 17/10/2008 13:41

Good on you for getting it out in the open its not an easy thing to do. Don't let it build up into something more than it is though, theres potentially two friendships at stake and it sounds like it could make things potentially awkward with a wider group of friends.

Its one party, there has to be a set of boundaries/ rules as to who is invited and whilst they appear odd, you have now made your feelings known, done the adult thing and asked your friend to encourage her daughter to have some compassion for the feelings of others.

If the child persists you could always allow your DD to have an intimate gathering of her school mates for say a small halloween/ apple bobbing party to show that its alright for everyone to have things going on that don't involve everyone - even give her the option to invite said friend.

You've done the right thing sending the mail and making your feelings public but true best friends are to valuable to loose over a childs party - if this is what she is.

Acinonyx · 17/10/2008 14:10

I'd have asked too. Very odd. I'd like to hear her reply.

hecAteTheirBrains · 17/10/2008 19:05

Have you had a reply to your email yet?

JulesJules · 17/10/2008 19:33

Have you spoken to her yet?

ANTagony · 17/10/2008 20:13

Any news?

TeeBee · 17/10/2008 21:53

If she is not invited, could you invite your goddaughter over for a birthday tea. I know it might stick in your throat a bit, but at least your DD would be able to celebrate with her. Oh, and of course there is the guilt factor.

Heated · 17/10/2008 22:16

Any explanation yet?

BloodshotEyeballsintheScarySky · 17/10/2008 22:17
blossomsmine · 17/10/2008 22:51

Well, just read the thread.......any news???? I NEED to know what is going on.....so unfair....I hope this all has a happy ending

Liffey · 17/10/2008 23:01

That was incredibly thoughtless of your friend. She should have invited your daughter. You see a lot of her daughter, you're her Godmother! And she hasn't invited your child?

blossomsmine · 17/10/2008 23:06

It seems abit strange to me, if she was my BF and did that she wouldn't be my BF anylonger, it is just thoughtless and also rather nasty.

Original poster
musicposy · 18/10/2008 08:58

No answer to the email and I can't get through on the phone. I sense the scent of avoidance! Which I think is a bit much really.

OP posts:
jammi · 18/10/2008 09:31

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