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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that DD should have been invited?

213 replies

musicposy · 17/10/2008 10:03

Ok, on one hand this is trivial. But DD is hurt, and I am a bit, too.

My best friend has a little girl just a bit younger than my DD2. We look after her every day and take her to and collect her from school. She's my goddaughter. She and DD2 are thick as thieves, play with each other the whole time she is here (about 3 hours a day) and rarely fall out. DD would count her among her closest friends.

She's just having her 7th birthday party this week....but DD has not been invited. I could understand this if she had only had, say 4 people, as DD is not at school in her class with her, but she's invited loads of children, one of whom only joined her class about 2 weeks ago. Every time she is here she keeps on and on talking about it, how much fun it will be, she's having a pony there all day (plus loads of other stuff- money is no object for them, unlike us), and DD is getting a bit upset.

DD didn't have a birthday party this year, and I'm wondering if that's behind it. I'm tempted to phone mum and at least ask her to stop the child constantly talking about it while she is here. Would you? Or is it just not worth worrying about?

I fell better at posting, anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
musicposy · 19/10/2008 11:57

Party is today. BF has just phoned me. She said she was sorry she didn't mean to upset me and of course DD can come if she wants. Just that as it is all school friends from x's class, she thought DD would feel left out and on her own. I think also, reading between the lines, she was worried that DD would cling to x as she didn't know anyone else (well, she knows them but isn't close friends with them) and then x wouldn't be able to interact with her school friends.

So we are going. She did say she was very sorry to upset us. But now I do feel a bit uncomfortable, like I'm gatecrashing a party to which we weren't really invited!

OP posts:
docket · 19/10/2008 12:09

Hmmm, why couldn't she have just told you this in the first place? I'm glad she has said she's sorry and I hope your DD has a good time at the party

QuintessentialShadow · 19/10/2008 12:13

At least your friend was honest about it.
Go, enjoy the party.

unfitmother · 19/10/2008 12:13

Is your DD happy?

MyPumpkinDsHappyHalloweenBday · 19/10/2008 12:14

music,
Have watched this thread from begining. My take, I think she doesnt really want your dd to go for the reasons you mentioned. and also now scared she will lose free childcare.
why did she take 2 days to answer you?
tbh. If it was my dd having a party and her bf(your dd) was not invited she would be soo unhappy. Maybe your dd is not as much of a great freind to her as you think.
Sorry if i sound a bit harsh, but i think she could be talking you for a ride.
I wouldnt go myself, not to party anyway.

BloodshotEyeballsintheScarySky · 19/10/2008 12:17

I wouldn't go either tbh. Sounds exactly like PumpkinsHappy HalloweenWotsit said above (damn these long Halloween names! )

tigermoth · 19/10/2008 12:19

well, I hope you have a good time - you deserve to.

I think your best friend's timing on telling you is incredibly thoughtless. Belatedly inviting you to the party with only a few hours notice (so you might well have arranged to do something else) seems very half hearted.

I'm glad you can see her reasoning about keeping it to classmates - I can, too.

But it sounds like she was putting her head in the sand and hoping that somehow you would understand why there was no invite, as you are such good friends. And then hoped you would deal with your dd's disappointment with no support from her. Hope this is not how she deals with most things between you, especially when it involves potentially upsetting your children.

Guadalupe · 19/10/2008 12:27

It sounds like she feels saying yes come is the only option but really she'd rather you didn't, or she would have invited you wouldn't she?

It is odd. DD is only having a few school friends out for a waffle this year but when we've had a large party we always invite the girl next door and local friends that aren't at school etc.

Are you going to go?

mollymawk · 19/10/2008 12:34

I think that if your DD wants to go you could go. I suspect she is too young to mind about being invited at the last minute. Could you just say to her something like - friend had thought she wouldn't like the party as everyone else is from friend's class but if DD thinks she would like it anyway then she is welcome to come? I reckon she would be able to understand that without being upset.
It seems a shame not to go because you are upset if going would make her happy.
And anyway surely with ponies and whatnot there will be so much to do that she won't need to "cling" to her friend anyway. Maybe you could explain that to her too - as friend is younger than her it would be nice to make sure she has a chance to play with her classmates.

ahundredtimes · 19/10/2008 12:37

I agree with Lupe.

I don't think you should go. You should say to your dd 'it's just a party for friends from school, we'll do something with the two of you next week' then email friend and say 'I understand, you were just having friends from school? Okay, I have told dd that. Let's get together next week shall we?'

QuintessentialShadow · 19/10/2008 12:45

On second thoughts, having reread thread, they seem to be people who can afford an after school nanny.

Your dd probably does not mean as much to her dd as you thought, as she herself had not insisted to her mum that your dd came too. Instead she was boasting about her party to your dd, knowing full well she wasnt coming. Maybe it is time to review the childcare arrangements, and give your dd the chance to bond more with the children in her own class?

I wouldnt keep up the free afterschool care to be honest. You and your dd is good enough to treat as a free childminding service, but not worthy of a party with ponies.

I agree with what hundredtimes said about the email.

eandz · 19/10/2008 12:45

so not the same thing, but maybe this could provide some insight?

my best friend is living with me at the moment. we're both american expats who went to university here. she moved in because she hasn't been able to find a job and in return is helping me on a daily basis with my son, usually all day until my husband comes home.

i was talking about thanksgiving dinner a lot this past week and at one point my friend asked if she could come. (she looked very hurt when she was asking) and to be honest I couldn't believe that she felt like she needed an invitation! I thought it was implied because she lives here and we spend soo much time together.

compo · 19/10/2008 12:47

sounds like it will be awkward
could dh take her?!!

eandz · 19/10/2008 12:53

goodness this thread moves fast.

scratch what i posted. i see it wasn't a simple mistake.

tigermoth · 19/10/2008 13:09

If you are providing free school aftercare for three hours each day, tbh I would definitely reconsider this. What are you getting out of it really?

The commitment means you can't take your dd to any activities herself where she could make other friends.

Twiglett · 19/10/2008 13:14

I think you should go

I think your DD is not of an age where 'social niceties' matter and she wanted to go.

I think you should carefully reconsider your childcare / friend arrangements and make sure you aren't being taken for a ride.

But you're the only one who can decide whether you are or not. Your friendship may be worth this hiccup or it may actually be something bigger and deeper.

But I'm glad your DD gets to go

Twiglett · 19/10/2008 13:15

I think you should go

I think your DD is not of an age where 'social niceties' matter and she wanted to go.

I think you should carefully reconsider your childcare / friend arrangements and make sure you aren't being taken for a ride.

But you're the only one who can decide whether you are or not. Your friendship may be worth this hiccup or it may actually be something bigger and deeper.

But I'm glad your DD gets to go

Twiglett · 19/10/2008 13:16

I think you should go

I think your DD is not of an age where 'social niceties' matter and she wanted to go.

I think you should carefully reconsider your childcare / friend arrangements and make sure you aren't being taken for a ride.

But you're the only one who can decide whether you are or not. Your friendship may be worth this hiccup or it may actually be something bigger and deeper that you need to do something about.

But I'm glad your DD gets to go

Twiglett · 19/10/2008 13:16

I think you should go

I think your DD is not of an age where 'social niceties' matter and she wanted to go.

I think you should carefully reconsider your childcare / friend arrangements and make sure you aren't being taken for a ride.

But you're the only one who can decide whether you are or not. Your friendship may be worth this hiccup or it may actually be something bigger and deeper that you need to do something about.

But I'm glad your DD gets to go

Twiglett · 19/10/2008 13:17

I think you should go

I think your DD is not of an age where 'social niceties' matter and she wanted to go.

I think you should carefully reconsider your childcare / friend arrangements and make sure you aren't being taken for a ride.

But you're the only one who can decide whether you are or not. Your friendship may be worth this hiccup or it may actually be something bigger and deeper that you need to do something about.

But I'm glad your DD gets to go

QuintessentialShadow · 19/10/2008 13:17

TWIGLET! Stop.

Twiglett · 19/10/2008 13:19

I think you should go

I think your DD is not of an age where 'social niceties' matter and she wanted to go.

I think you should carefully reconsider your childcare / friend arrangements and make sure you aren't being taken for a ride.

But you're the only one who can decide whether you are or not. Your friendship may be worth this hiccup or it may actually be something bigger and deeper that you need to do something about.

But I'm glad your DD gets to go

RustyBear · 19/10/2008 13:20

You really think she should go, don't you Twiglett....

monkeymonkeymonkey · 19/10/2008 13:23

I agree with what QuintessentialShadow said.
Seems like they are thinking you are OK for childcare, but not for social stuff.
It doesnt seem like an equal relationship at all.

ALMummy · 19/10/2008 14:16

I wouldnt go. I would take dd somewhere fab with some of her other friends instead. I wouldnt necessarily stop the childcare though seeing as you have had a realistic if somewhat self serving explanation from your friend.

I would perhaps withdraw a bit but without being petty.