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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that DD should have been invited?

213 replies

musicposy · 17/10/2008 10:03

Ok, on one hand this is trivial. But DD is hurt, and I am a bit, too.

My best friend has a little girl just a bit younger than my DD2. We look after her every day and take her to and collect her from school. She's my goddaughter. She and DD2 are thick as thieves, play with each other the whole time she is here (about 3 hours a day) and rarely fall out. DD would count her among her closest friends.

She's just having her 7th birthday party this week....but DD has not been invited. I could understand this if she had only had, say 4 people, as DD is not at school in her class with her, but she's invited loads of children, one of whom only joined her class about 2 weeks ago. Every time she is here she keeps on and on talking about it, how much fun it will be, she's having a pony there all day (plus loads of other stuff- money is no object for them, unlike us), and DD is getting a bit upset.

DD didn't have a birthday party this year, and I'm wondering if that's behind it. I'm tempted to phone mum and at least ask her to stop the child constantly talking about it while she is here. Would you? Or is it just not worth worrying about?

I fell better at posting, anyway.

OP posts:
Twiglett · 17/10/2008 10:34

PICK UP THE FARKIN' PHONE [grrrr]

quickdrawnandquartered · 17/10/2008 10:37

I'm getting upset for your dd. Maybe her mum thought your dd would find the other guests too babyish. I dunno, i'm clutching at straws but I do think you should ring the mum.

FioFio · 17/10/2008 10:39

This reply has been deleted

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Grumpalina · 17/10/2008 10:45

Yes you need to ring and find out. It may be a mistake or there may be a good reason.

We didn't invite DS1's cousin (my ister's son)to his birthday party last year (DS was 8 and nephew 5 and a half) because they were doing an activity that was too old for cousin plus the previous year cousin said he felt a bit left out as DS1's friends were all from school and older).

However we had a birthday meal and a more inclusive activity for DS1, DS2 (who had also been too young) and cousin the following week. But I did explain to everyone what I was doing so there were no misunderstandings.

monkeymonkeymonkey · 17/10/2008 10:50

This seems really weird. YANBU.

I think that you do need to talk to the mum about this. If she didnt intend to invite your DD then I think it is reasonable to ask why. Maybe there is a good reason, in which case you would feel better to know it, or maybe the friendship isnt as you thought it was.

JulesJules · 17/10/2008 10:57

You really need to ring her.

I think you can be absolutely straight with her - your DD is v upset that she hasn't been invited to her best friend's and your god daughter's party. Is this an accident or has she deliberately not been invited. Her daughter spends hours a day at your house, talking non stop about her party which is upsetting your DD even more. You would like to know why your daughter has not been invited and perhaps you will not be able to have her daughter at your house for a while as your DD is getting too upset.

Ring her.

sb6699 · 17/10/2008 11:03

I would ring and ask if there is a problem.

The little girl is your god-daughter, her mum is your bf and to top it all of you look after her all week. It seems strange that your dd didn't get an invite and her dad's reaction doesn't help.

Hope you get a suitable explanation - if not I would tell her to arrange other after-school care and find a new friend.

Poor DD

Cheeseandseveredfingersarnie · 17/10/2008 11:03

i agree invite her to special tea and it might give mum chance to explain.bit odd.i hate party politics!

clam · 17/10/2008 11:06

I've never 'got' why obscure classmates seem to take precedence over 'home mates.' If she's worried about excluding people at school (you know, 11 girls in the class, DD wants 9 of them, but invite the other 2 so no hurt feelings) that's one thing, but has she not thought for one moment that your DD's feelings might be very hurt too.
YANBU, no, so I think I would say, "look DD is ever so upset about not coming to the party, so would it be possible for xx to try not to keep talking about it. I know she's excited, but DD really doesn't understand why, although I've tried to explain it's probably because you just want school people........." and leave that as a question that ought to be answered.

lingle · 17/10/2008 11:10

I disagree. I think no good will come of ringing. If you absolutely must say something, do it face to face so you can judge the body language. The dad's reaction confirmed that your child is not invited.

Make up the least painful excuse you can think of (age difference?) and tell it to you dd.

hecAteTheirBrains · 17/10/2008 11:11

So you are good enough to provide free childcare but not to have your dd included in the party? That seems a bit cheeky (unless the 2 girls do not get on?)

I'd be torn between just letting it go and accepting that she didn't, for whatever reason, want to invite dd (sensible), telling her that I feel hurt and wondered if something was wrong (emotional but honest) and telling her that I could no longer provide childcare for her with immediate effect (childish but satisfying

FioFio · 17/10/2008 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

clam · 17/10/2008 11:17

But if you don't say anything, will it not secretly bug you for ages? It would me. However much I told myself to get over it.

lingle · 17/10/2008 11:22

What are you ringing her for?

If it was a mistake, the husband would not have shushed the child.

Do you actually want to know why your child is not invited? Are you sure? Do you think it will be the truth anyway? Or do you want to make your friend feel bad and/or to make her change her mind? You may make her defensive. I've learnt the very very hard way that No Good comes of these approaches. There are no circumstances where you have a right to be invited to anyone's party.

Bubbaluv · 17/10/2008 11:37

iheartdusty, Your friend will be on here soon with a similar thread. I just don't see how one less cupcake is worth hurting a child's/friend's feelings. Can't the poor thing be included? She's bound to find out.

iheartdusty · 17/10/2008 12:09

that's true Bubbaluv, but it goes on and on.
It's not as though she is the only out-of-school friend, so if she were invited, other friends would hear about it and feel upset. The school friend we are sharing with, she has 2 friends out-of-school in same situation. We have not even invited all the school friends because they are spread over 2 classes, plus there are the out-of-year school friends. We would be up to 40 or 50 guests if we didn't put the brakes on. As it is we have a core list of 14 guests, plus the 2 birthday girls, and their brothers. In order to have an arts and crafts party, I don't see how the numbers can go higher.

I did say that this one girl is coming to a special tea, and hopefully she will feel happy about that. But there are no easy answers.

sammybeth · 17/10/2008 12:20

YANBU. Me and a very close friend both have dd's who are the same age and are really good friends. They dont see each other that often or go to the same school but i would never even consider not inviting her to my dd's birthday party, she is always on the list before the school friends.

docket · 17/10/2008 12:37

YANBU. Your friend is out of order. Your poor DD.

clam · 17/10/2008 12:39

Obviously no one has the right to a party invite, but it can clarify where you stand in their affections sometimes. Because what they're basically saying is that there are that many people ahead of your DD (and you for that matter) in the queue for their affections, whose feelings they'd prefer to protect than yours.
So yes, that might affect the friendship for me.

Twiglett · 17/10/2008 12:41

Pick up the phone!

ALMummy · 17/10/2008 12:44

I would be fuming. I would certainly ring and ask what was going on and if there was not an excellent reason then I would tell her to find herself alternative childcare. Sounds horribly mean. Your poor DD .

If she ends up not going then take her on a lovely day out with another of her friends so she doesn't feel so left out.

HappyMummyOfOne · 17/10/2008 12:46

It would affect the friendship for me too.

I'd think of being childish and stopping the free childcare. By the dad acting the way it did, its obvious they have no intention of inviting your DD and I think thats very wrong given the circumstances.

BalloonSlayer · 17/10/2008 12:48

Did the mum know your DD didn't have a party?

Could they think she did but you didn't invite their DD?

Twiglett · 17/10/2008 12:48

streuth .. Dads in the main no nothing about parties

you .. need ... to ... pick .. up .. the ... freakin' ... phone .. and .. speak .. to ... your .. best .. friend

(it is funny how the OP has probably gone away and is living her life quite happily but I'm obsessing about the fact she hasn't come bak and said I rang her and blah)

ALMummy · 17/10/2008 12:49

I don't think it would be childish to stop the free childcare. As someone said before it shows where you are in their list of priorities and I wouldn't want to put myself out for someone who would be mean to my dd like that.