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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that DD should have been invited?

213 replies

musicposy · 17/10/2008 10:03

Ok, on one hand this is trivial. But DD is hurt, and I am a bit, too.

My best friend has a little girl just a bit younger than my DD2. We look after her every day and take her to and collect her from school. She's my goddaughter. She and DD2 are thick as thieves, play with each other the whole time she is here (about 3 hours a day) and rarely fall out. DD would count her among her closest friends.

She's just having her 7th birthday party this week....but DD has not been invited. I could understand this if she had only had, say 4 people, as DD is not at school in her class with her, but she's invited loads of children, one of whom only joined her class about 2 weeks ago. Every time she is here she keeps on and on talking about it, how much fun it will be, she's having a pony there all day (plus loads of other stuff- money is no object for them, unlike us), and DD is getting a bit upset.

DD didn't have a birthday party this year, and I'm wondering if that's behind it. I'm tempted to phone mum and at least ask her to stop the child constantly talking about it while she is here. Would you? Or is it just not worth worrying about?

I fell better at posting, anyway.

OP posts:
RoseOfTheOrient · 18/10/2008 09:39

jammi, the OPs DD (not invited) is actually a bit OLDER than the birthday girl.

jammi · 18/10/2008 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

electra · 18/10/2008 09:49

She doesn't sound like much of a friend to me if this is not a misunderstanding. I agree with twiglett.

Bloodystumperlicious · 18/10/2008 09:55

By the way, can I just ask, do you get anything in return for looking after this girl for 3 hours a day?

hecAteTheirBrains · 18/10/2008 10:13

So she's avoiding you over this - will she still be expecting your childcare services? Will you still be providing them?

Assuming she is avoiding you, and it's not that something has happened and she can't check her mails/get to the phone of course!

clam · 18/10/2008 10:13

Hmm, the lack of response is a bit worrying, actually. They're probably trying to work out what on earth they can say to you. But, the ball's in their court - after all, presumably they're going to want to turn up on Monday morning for you to child-mind their DD, as usual. Sit it out.
Although I can't think what explanation, now, would make me feel better, actually.

  1. Didn't you get the invitation we posted, despite seeing you every day? (Lie)
  2. We didn't think your DD would want to come. (Let us be the judge of that.)
  3. We didn't think of inviting her (Great. So that's how much you think of us).
clam · 18/10/2008 10:14

Oh, and 4). There are too many other people coming so we had to limit numbers. (So that's how high we rate on your list. Thanks)

bigscaryorangespiderami · 18/10/2008 10:16

I agree with clam. No matter what their excuse/reason, you are never going to feel the same about them.

Beetroot · 18/10/2008 10:20
  1. we are only inviting people from her class and we didn't want our dd to feel lieft out. We are thinking of doing another thing especially for the two of them
Beetroot · 18/10/2008 10:20

Specially I mean of course

clam · 18/10/2008 10:26

Beetroot's no 5 is the only scenario that might possibly wash with me, although I don't agree that any child should be made to feel left out at a party. Again, surely thats up to the OP and her daughter as to whether it's a problem. Depends on the DD's confidence. My DD wouldn't mind in the slightest if she didn't know anyone, but I accept that others might.

Beetroot · 18/10/2008 10:28

We didn't invite dd best friend outside school to her party as dd feels uncomfortable with her there as she wants her attention and can be a little difficult with her other friends/ So we did something with just the two of them.

tigermoth · 18/10/2008 10:31

Oh, how sad

I think you were brave to contact them about this and did the right thing. But their silence is not looking good.

Does your friend pay you for your childminding services? She may view the childminding arrangment as a business arrangement mainly, so is treating your dd as her childminder's daughter, not as her dd's friend.

I agree with whoever said that your friend may be holding this party to get her dd to network with girls in her class, so wants to avoid her gravitating towards your dd. If your dd was there, her dd might not want to mix with the other girls as much. That sounds quite plausible but your friend should have handled it much better and invited your dd to something else.

It is really mean, otherwise. IMO.

HRHSaintMamazon · 18/10/2008 10:37

i think friends has behaved very badly actualy.
I certainly wouldn't be happy about collecting her Dd next week if she still can't be bothered to respond to yoru email or answer the phone.

And i find ti incredibly rude for this girl to rub it in teh face of your DD.

Twiglett · 18/10/2008 10:42

no phone call yet? how extremely rude!

glitterball · 18/10/2008 10:46

it seems pretty unfair to me.

if there is any reason why they couldnt/didnt want to invite your dd, i cant see why they couldnt have offered to do something else separately with her, as has been suggested.

HRHSaintMamazon · 18/10/2008 10:49

if there was some reason your Dd couldn't have been invited i would expect my friend to tell me in advance that that is what will happen and why.
I coudl tehrefore warn my child or explain to her why she wasn't invited.

they have handled this in the cruelest possible way.

LazyLinePainterJane · 18/10/2008 10:55

The only acceptable lie would be the thought that they did assume your DD would be coming, as they are such good friends they didn't think a formal invitation was necessary, she would always be going.

Of course this is not true, as she has avoided you and the DH shushed the girl in front of you. It doesn't make any sense why they didn't invite her.

JulesJules · 18/10/2008 10:57

Their silence is making this so much worse.

Bloodystumperlicious · 18/10/2008 11:02

Agree with Mamazon. There may be some kind of reasonable explanation for this, but whatever the reason they should have mentioned it to you before hand, either way they have behaved poorly. How sad for you that they weren't thoughtful enough to do that.

Penthesileia · 18/10/2008 11:04

So unfair. Poor dd. I'd examine both the friendship & the childminding r'ship, if I were you, if no reasonable excuse is forthcoming sharpish. And I don't think that's childish or retaliatory either - everyone is entitled to take action to protect themselves & their loved ones from future hurt. If she can behave this way once, she can do it again.

pofaced · 18/10/2008 11:35

Well done for sending the email: presumably it sets it all out in fairly traightforward fashion and avoids getting emotional. However, phoning for a response (especially before 9am on a Saturday) raises the ante somewhat

As other posters have said, you have no automatic entitlement to an invitation, in the same way as your freind's dd has no automatic right to be taken to and from school and to be looked after each day. You do have a right to point out how one child's behaviour is distressing your child and how an adult's behaviour has upset you.

Sit tight and don't call: you'll get a reply when you see your friend on Mon (if she doesn't say anything, ask her outright if she received your email). In the meantime, decide on where you want to go with this: do you want your dd to get a "pity" invite? do you want to maintain your friendship at the same level? do you want to continue to provide free childcare?

Have decided where you want to be this time next week and remember it during what will be an emotional discussion

And of course the other mother is being shockingly unreasonable!

lingle · 18/10/2008 12:02

"Although I can't think what explanation, now, would make me feel better, actually"

Well exactly Clam, which is why I tried in vain to dissuade the OP from this course of action.

clam · 18/10/2008 12:41

But lingle, the damage is done now whether she brings it up or not. So, as pofaced says, she does have the right to point out how they have distressed her DD - and her. It probably doesn't change anything (unless the 'friend' comes up with a damn good reason pretty quick - which is not looking likely) but at least she has expressed her views assertively. Sometimes people should have feedback as to how their actions affect others. If nothing else, she'll realise for the future what a political minefield children's parties can be!

compo · 18/10/2008 12:47

I really hope your best friend isn't reading this!!