To wish Sister would stop harrassing us for money?

[VivaLasVegas]

Sorry, I have had to name-change as username was too recognisable.

Basically my daughter (16) went to live with my sister in August. There were loads of problems at home and sister offered so she went. We are very grateful for that.

Anyway we give her the child benefit we receieve for DD but she is constantly asking for more money.

First it was that DD had decided to join college so sister asked us for the admin fee and some money for uniform she needed. This came to nearly £100. I gave her it but reminded her that we couldn't keep shelling out £100 here and there, I still have a DD at home to support.

Next thing was that DD had decided to join army cadets so sister was on the phone asking for money for stuff she needed for that. This time it was £20. I told her she had the child benefit and she said I was being selfish.

After that it was a trip DD was going on, sister wanted us to pay for that. I said no.

Thing is it is my sister that is getting her into all these things and she then expects us to pay for it all. I have another daughter at home to current DH and just can't afford what she is asking for every 5 minutes.

AIBU?

in support of OP i think if her daughter is at college then her sister should be claiming TC for her and that should cover the basic costs of feeding and housing her dd along with the CB. At 16 i was living at home but got no money from my mum, she fed me and housed me and i had to get a job to pay for everything else including bus fare and lunch money etc. at 16 the DD should take responsibility for her own social life and if she wants o do these things she should pay from her own money. As for college costs, she should be entitled to EMA and also grants from student welfare to cover these things as technically she is independent and not living with parents.

Unfortunately it's not always immediately obvious whether a poster is, in fact, a troll. We all tend to be a bit suspicious of new folks posting things of a sensitive or inflammatory nature but we would rather Mumsnet erred on the side of giving folks the benefit of the doubt and risked being made to look a bit foolish than pounce on someone who turns out to be genuinely in need of help. We hope you agree.

You know, VLV, you're so pathetic, but since you are the one who asked for advice, but don't seem willing to take it and keep on with 'I don't know what to do?', thus proving you're pretty much a hopeless waste of space who'll never leave someone you have long known to be a twat, my advice is for your sister and DD to come on here and get some proper advice on what they're entitled to to make sure they both get the support and financial aid they need to make sure your child doesn't wind up like you.

Harsh, but there, I said it.

My SIL has been involved in a 12-year-long abusive relationship. She won't leave it for good, her kids are well on the road to being 100% fucked up right now as we speak and she has driven her parents to utter despair and mental stress dealing with it to the point where they go away for the weekend just to get a break from it all because she refuses to help herself no matter how supportive anyone is.

You can lead a horse to water, but there's no point in frustrating the hell out of yourself trying to make it drink.

VLV, you need to get out of there. You will always regret it if you lose your daughter over this. You should be so bloody thankful you have a sister who has stepped in and is being the mum you should have been to your dd1.

If you are for real, you're clearly having a rough time but that is no excuse, your children come first, thats the bottom line. Thats the choice you make when you have kids, you put their needs before your own every time. I feel so bloody sad for your daughter, you know you say she was playing up at home well wtf do you expect when she's treated like that.

THEY WILL NOT GET CUSTODY OF YOUR DAUGHTER

and by staying with him the effects on your poor DD2 will be terrible,

Imnotonline
I do agree.

My only observation would be that my posts suggesting that op may be a troll are a lot milder than most of the posts from people who believe her....

Given the nature of the problems in this family, it just seems bizarre to me that the uppermost problem in the OPs mind is how to get her sister to stop hassling her for money.

Hmmmmmm.

VLV

30 odd years ago my mother chose her latest man over me. I have never forgotten it, will never forgive her and can never understand why. She will never see her Grand children. I hope he was worth it.

30 odd years ago my mother chose her latest man over me. I have never forgotten it, will never forgive her and can never understand why. She will never see her Grand children. I hope he was worth it.

No words, apart from:
Leave him.
Now.

First step might be to teach yourself not to believe anything that your husband or his family tells you.
Secondly keep telling yourself that you and your daughters deserve to be happy and try to believe it.
Thirdly make up your mind as to what you want (stay and be unhappy or go and give yourself and your daughters a chance for a good life).
Fourthly, if you do decide to change things, then apologise profusely to your eldest daughter, talk to her, explain everything to her, and understand that she is going to be angry with you for everything that she has been put through. Listen to her.

If you want to leave, you should go speak to a solicitor, and ask their advice.

anniemac - it doesn't sound as though the daughter had much choice in the matter if her stepdad was making it pretty clear that he wasn't going to support her. She's 16, not 18. In a few years' time, the government won't even let her leave school.

I don't think there is ever any excuse for putting a partner before your children's wellbeing. Ever.

Could I point out that before this poster's dd went to live with her sister, she did post on here for advice- so she isn't actually a troll as so many of you are quick to cry, though after the last few months it's easy to see why.

VLV if your dd is attending college, she should be eligible for EMA- educational maintenance allowance- claimed through your local authority- details here - up to £30 per week paid into the young person's bank account to cover cost of travel/lunches for college, paper, printing etc.

Please encourage her attendance at things like cadets- this could help her sort out what she wants to do in life- maybe not forces, but she will meet people from all walks of life through it, and perhaps open doors for her.

Imvho I do think you need to look at your relationship with DH- something is wrong there- he seems/appears very controlling but I realise it is very difficult to portray a whole relationship in a few lines of text.

Ignore MIL- she has no claim over your DD whatsoever- she is bullying you, which is perhaps where Dh's attitude comes from.

Hope you find some resolution to all this- you need to be strong for your DDs.

Tell your MIL she has NO rights over your DD, and she will never have custody of her.

Tell your H to fuck off and stop controlling you, tell him you will leave with your DD and he will be paying money for her.

Apologise to your DD for not supporting her emtionally and financially.

Tell your DD that you love her.

Thank your sister for helping put DD back on the straight and narrow and tell her you love her.

Take control of the situation for the sake of your DD's and your mental health. Before it's too late.

How long have you been with this man?

How old is dd2?

We are not all strong, confident people who know what we are doing. This does not mean that when these people post about their mistakes that they are trolls. Sometimes it just means that they are asking (granted sometimes clumsily, but again some of us aren't born as a writer) for help.

Some people have been raised to believe that they are second rate citizens who don't deserve to be happy, that they are stupid/ugly/worthless etc. Some of these people unfortunately end up in bullying relationship/s which just confirms that they have no right to be happy, that their children will be happier without them, that they are stupid/ugly/have no rights/can be used as punchbags both mentally and physically etc. This does not make them trolls.

I agree that it would be great if none of us had to experience bullying/abuse/controlling behaviour etc. but that is just not the way it is (at the moment anyway).

Great post More

Army cadets is a great thing to do I did it for 4 years I don't think I have ever met a child that didn't enjoy it as you make alot of friends etc and so on.

YABU! She is your child you should pay for her regardless.

YABVU. Your sister is looking after your daughter and is trying to get her interested in things. Child benifit does not go very far she probably uses it all on feeding and clothing her.

Just because neither of you went to college it does not mean that your DD shouldn't go. Your sister is doing a good job in encoraging yiur DD to continue her education as this is important for her to be able to get a good job when she is oldre. A 16 year old should not have to pay for her keep. Your DP is very wrong in taking half her wages from her.