To wish Sister would stop harrassing us for money?

[VivaLasVegas]

Sorry, I have had to name-change as username was too recognisable.

Basically my daughter (16) went to live with my sister in August. There were loads of problems at home and sister offered so she went. We are very grateful for that.

Anyway we give her the child benefit we receieve for DD but she is constantly asking for more money.

First it was that DD had decided to join college so sister asked us for the admin fee and some money for uniform she needed. This came to nearly £100. I gave her it but reminded her that we couldn't keep shelling out £100 here and there, I still have a DD at home to support.

Next thing was that DD had decided to join army cadets so sister was on the phone asking for money for stuff she needed for that. This time it was £20. I told her she had the child benefit and she said I was being selfish.

After that it was a trip DD was going on, sister wanted us to pay for that. I said no.

Thing is it is my sister that is getting her into all these things and she then expects us to pay for it all. I have another daughter at home to current DH and just can't afford what she is asking for every 5 minutes.

AIBU?

FGS give her a break!!! This place is for EVERYONE!!! Some people obviously, for whatever reason may struggle to make the sort of parenting decisions which come naturally to others. Yes, OP has fucked up, she knows it, she's been gracious in accepting advice and criticism, this is one of those times where mn could really do some good and really help someone, and some of you are jumping on your very high horses and kicking a puppy! It's pathetic frankly!

what I can't understand is why your DD is having to use the £20 a week she earns on her keep. She is only a child, that should be her pocket money. You need to give your sister the child benefit money to cover things like extra heating, washing machine etc. Then work out how much to give her for food, clothes, bus fares, uniforms, college fees etc. I understand you haven't got much money but at least £35 a week should come from you (on top of the £16 p/w child benefit) and you should be grateful.

If your relationship with your DD is so bad she can't live at home, then where would she be without your sister? and how would she live? would she be on the streets?

Your sister is providing her with a home and you need to work out what it is actually costing her and give her that. And your daughter shouldn't be having to pay her, you should!

Women's Aid describe a part of Domestic Violence as Pressure Tactics. These include

sulking,
threatening to withhold money,
disconnect the telephone,
take the car away,
commit suicide,
take the children away,
report you to welfare agencies unless you comply with his demands regarding bringing up the children,
lying to your friends and family about you,
telling you that you have no choice in any decisions.

and also

Disrespect:
persistently putting you down in front of other people,
not listening or responding when you talk,
interrupting your telephone calls,
taking money from your purse without asking,
refusing to help with childcare or housework.

sound familiar? Some of them need paraphrasing in this situation, but the sentiment and mentality is the same.

You can ring them for advice on 0808 2000 247 if you need to - or indeed, want to.

I think you should look into getting rid of this "man" and repairing the relationship with your daughter before it's too late.

I also think that DV isn't always spouse to spouse. It can be parent to child; especially older children like your DD.

I really, really feel for your daughter - I believe Womens' Aid do have support for children too.

Your husband is abusing you and her. Her grandparents are abusing her.

Thank goodness your sister loves her and is providing a stable family home.

I hope you have the courage to leave this "man".

your dh is a prize cunt for doing this

your not far off youself for letting him

mothers neglect/ failure to protect is also abuse .suspect this is trollery as way too outrageous to be real

however, if you come back and want specific advice on
how to get a job
claim benefits you are entitled to - my god talk about pride before a fall.
leaving him
housing
communicating with your daughter and putting her first

let me know - would be happy to help - genuinly

and Custy's shithot on those subjects.... I'd take her up on it if I were you

I have to AGREE THAT OP'S DH IS A PRIZE CUNT THOUGH, BUT IN THIS INSTANCE, i OBJECT TO THE PUPPY KICKING (oops, sorry for shouting!)

I don't think this is a troll (possibly I'm gullible). Why would anyone make this up?? For what purpose?? I cannot begin to imagine how the OP daughter must feel - hurt, vulnerable, sad. I am just so glad that her daughter has someone to go to who (from what we can tell) appears to be really trying to support and nurture her daughter. And I think of the baby, growing into a child, growing into a woman with a parent who just doesn't get it. I can understand that parenting is hard - but the OP seems to think its OK - that's the bit I have the problem with. I would urge the poster to (a) seek help and (b) as soon as possible, mend the relationship with her daughter in so far as is possible. Our children shouldn't carry this weight on their shoulders. At least tell her you're sorry - and mean it. That will cost you nothing financially. And hug her. That will cost you nothing financially. And promise to try to resolve it. That will cost you nothing financially either. If you can't do any of those things - go and look in the mirror.

Her sister should be claiming tax credits and indeed child benefit for the girl, infact if the OP is still claiming child benefit for a DD that doesn't live with her she is committing fraud.
However if the sister wants the DD to do all these marvellous things then she needs to budget for them, you can't go around signing other peoples kids up for activities and then expecting them to pay for it.
Food and board, clothes etc yes, life's little luxuries no.

OP- can't find the other thrad on this but I hope that you phoned womens aid, they helped you and you will have both your dd's with you soon.

You can't change the past but you can make sur tomorrow is a step foads. Good luck.

WTF?

This is worse than the godawful stepmother on the other thread. Worse because you are her birth mother.

Oh my. Poor little girl. Don't suppose you'll be stumping up for the therapy she'll need either? Being as you're not even prepared to pay for her food ...

OK

on a sunsequent thread op was asking for advice on leaving this bullying tosspot so she could get her dd back. she was very scaed and had been told she would lose dd1 but now knows otherwise.

can't say I was enamoured with op either but i hope she has mae those steps and if so then good on her.

This is not a troll - don't people realise that many DHs are far far worse than this? That many women will read this knowing their own situations are actually far worse?

A difficult situation - VLV needs to take responsibility for her DD, but please try to be positive, no abuse.

VLV - you're being abused mentally. No MNer should join the kicking. Ladies, really!

Try to start thinking about how to get away... You could get a council flat or something. Housing benefit will pay the rent for a privately rented property.

"We are not all strong, confident people who know what we are doing. This does not mean that when these people post about their mistakes that they are trolls. Sometimes it just means that they are asking (granted sometimes clumsily, but again some of us aren't born as a writer) for help."

Correct me if I am wrong but the only help that the OP has actually asked for is help in reducing the unreasonable (?) financial demands made by her sister.

So before we go off on some high-falutin tangent of seeing this OP as a victim, let's just remember that this is an OP who has:

1. Put her relationship ahead of her daughter
2. Condoned her daughter suffering verbal abuse at the hands of a stepfamily
3. Caused her daughter to move out at the age of 16 without any regard for her daughter's future
4. Is cavilling at paying even a small amount to support her own child.

Not once has the OP even considered leaving her husband. That's been MNet wishful thinking. Don't waste your sympathy on the OP.

hear hear quattrocento

I have just read through this whole thread and it's made me feel sick. Yes the OP's husband is clearly horrible and a bully but so are so many of you who replied. My God, the bullying the OP has endured on here is insane. If this is for real then you are dealing with a severely troubled woman. You know next to nothing about her yet you pounce on her like a pack of rabid wolves. She accepts she has made mistakes. Perhaps, instead of treading her further into the ground (as it seems her DH has been doing), we might be able to help her to some serious, life changing decisions?

I don't think this is a troll & I think the emotion in the responses comes because so many MNers can't begin to imagine treating their children in this way. The truth is that, for whatever reason, some mothers just don't love their children, I don't think it is that unusual though rarely acknowledged. I have never told anyone in real life that my mother never had it in her to love me, she would certainly not admit it. And I think that is the case here. However, not loving your child does not absolve you of responsibility for their care. Nothing can be done now about how this OP's child was treated in the past and making her mother feel miserable certainly won't help her.

OP - take Lauriefairycake's excellentadvice. Call social services and get your DD1 into assisted living and support so your sister will be compensated properly for caring for your her. That is the best and kindest thing you can do for her now. It will give her a chance to enjoy the money she earns herself and to continue in college and at the cadets etc. Then seriously consider what is best for yourself and your DD2. Best of luck. I really hope you can find a way to be happy again.

oceana - threads like this always look dreadful if you read them all the way through, I agree.

Having said that, the OP's allowing her daughter to be emotionally abused by her husband and didn't question it. The OP isn't asking for help dealing with him - it's a whine about her sister asking for money in the title fgs!

I can't find sympathy for parents that don't put their children first, sorry. Most women who are abused by their husbands (and this is my experience only) find the strength to do something about it when their child's wellbeing is at risk. It's usually the spur for action. This woman is taking her husband's side. I agree with Quattro.

This situation is very sad, I think YABU but after reading most of this thread it seems as though you have made some wrong decisions and it's really your DH who is being completely unreasonable. IMO to put you DH before your daughter is wrong.

You say that you don't want another broken marriage, but surely that would be better than a broken relationship with your daughter.

If I was in your situation I would try to do the following:

• Leave your DH who sounds horrible

• Get yourself a job and somewhere to live with dd2

• work on your relationship with dd1 and hope that one day she will move in with you and your dd2

I know this will be really difficult and that it's easy for me to say.

You mentioned that you have had broken relationships in the past. Do you feel you need to be in a relationship to be happy? I think you should concentrate on yourself and your dd's for a while.

this thread is so sad. My uncle remarried and then he and his new wife refused to contribute to my cousins after they turned 16, they are now in their 20's have no jobs, no prospects and both were single parents by 17 years old. They both do their best for their children but i feel so sad for them. their lives could have been so much better....meanwhile their stepsister is in her second year of a-levels at a private school. I don't speak to my uncle or new aunt any more.

OP get a better future for you and both your children and leave this awful man, please.

BTW their mother was ill will cancer during this period and in no position to help them.

Spicemonster, I agree with your post, my point really was there are ways of saying you disagree (or even violently oppose) of what someone is saying/doing without hurling abuse and sounding like you are in a slanging match outside the local chippy. I just don't see what it can possibly accomplish apart from to satisfy some bizzare cyber pack mentality.

By Quattrocento on Thu 16-Oct-08 00:50:54

'Not once has the OP even considered leaving her husband. That's been MNet wishful thinking. Don't waste your sympathy on the OP.'

Sorry but you obviously didnt read all of the thread, she has considered leaving, she even started a new thread asking for advice on it.

h vinegar- just about to post the same!

I am correcting you Quattro, you awere wrong.