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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish Sister would stop harrassing us for money?

255 replies

VivaLasVegas · 14/10/2008 12:57

Sorry, I have had to name-change as username was too recognisable.

Basically my daughter (16) went to live with my sister in August. There were loads of problems at home and sister offered so she went. We are very grateful for that.

Anyway we give her the child benefit we receieve for DD but she is constantly asking for more money.

First it was that DD had decided to join college so sister asked us for the admin fee and some money for uniform she needed. This came to nearly £100. I gave her it but reminded her that we couldn't keep shelling out £100 here and there, I still have a DD at home to support.

Next thing was that DD had decided to join army cadets so sister was on the phone asking for money for stuff she needed for that. This time it was £20. I told her she had the child benefit and she said I was being selfish.

After that it was a trip DD was going on, sister wanted us to pay for that. I said no.

Thing is it is my sister that is getting her into all these things and she then expects us to pay for it all. I have another daughter at home to current DH and just can't afford what she is asking for every 5 minutes.

AIBU?

OP posts:
IllegallyBrunette · 14/10/2008 14:01

Has your H refused to give you money to give to your sister for caring for your dd ??

mumof2222222222222222boys · 14/10/2008 14:01

Just gobsmacked.

ilove · 14/10/2008 14:01

Your daughter is the sort of child who will be living with me once we've been through panel...

Original poster
VivaLasVegas · 14/10/2008 14:02

I don't know what to do anymore. I know most of you don't think I'm for real so its probably pointless keeping this thread going but for those of you who are prepared to give me the benefit of the doubt:

I KNOW DH is being unreasonable towards DD, she has been treated horribly, not just by him but by his parents too. His father called her a bitch and threatened her. His mother went around the local shops telling everyone how out of control she was. When DD was still living here they used to walk in and COMPLETELY blank her and hold out 5 or 6 sweets for DD2 and tell her to choose which ones she wanted and the rest could go in the fridge for after her tea.

DH was going to chippy one night and held asked everyone what they wanted and then held his hand out for money from DD for her tea.

We give her £100 every year in cash for christmas and this year DH has said that her £100 has to pay for the college stuff.

I KNOW I have been terrible for letting this go on but I don't know what to do anymore.

I know none of you believe this is real which is fair enough. I'm just venting now I suppose anyway.

OP posts:
mydoorisalwaysopen · 14/10/2008 14:02

Surely this is in the wrong category. The word unreasonable doessn't even begin to cover it. I feel so sorry for you DD, and you too if you really need to ponder on this one.

IllegallyBrunette · 14/10/2008 14:03

And you sat there and let your hubby and his parents treat your dd like that ????

I am really stunned that you could do that.

more · 14/10/2008 14:03

Are you open for reasonable advice?

ImNotOnline · 14/10/2008 14:04

Tell him enough is enough?

Your DD is not a dog, she is a part of your family. As much as your H would like to pretend otherwise.

IllegallyBrunette · 14/10/2008 14:04

When your dh asked your dd for money for her own tea, what exactly did you do ???? I am really interested to know.

traceybath · 14/10/2008 14:05

Oh god - your poor DD1 - no wonder she ran away.

Are you scared of your DH?

Original poster
VivaLasVegas · 14/10/2008 14:05

I'm not happy, no. I have not been happy for a long, long time.

And yes I am open to advice.

OP posts:
DaphneMoon · 14/10/2008 14:05

I am gobsmacked too. Child benefit does not even cover a small percentage of what children cost especially those on the way to college. I really don't know what to say to you. Surely you should be paying a kind of maintenance. My DP pays £600 for his DC and apparently that's not enough . You can't expect your sister to bring her up financially, that's awful. I'm flabbergasted.

VinegARGHHHTits · 14/10/2008 14:05

Your DH sounds like a right Bastard and you sound like a stupid pushover, if anyone treated a child of mine like that i would do time for them

luckylady74 · 14/10/2008 14:06

Your life sounds like an awful kitchen sink drama. Sadly your daughter is the one suffering from this. If you are real you will get your comeuppance in the form of daughter who will never see you and grandchildren you'll never see.
Is your dh who keeps you like this in a pretty impoverished state (that's all about him controlling you you know)worth all of this? Was it so bad being on your own? How can you abandon the dd that was your baby?
My db did everything your dd did and then went to college and has a wonderful job - he phones my mum every week because she was upset and angry, but loved him unconditionally.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 14/10/2008 14:06

What is wrong with you?

I try so hard to support people but your behaviour is indefensible.

more · 14/10/2008 14:06

Are you actually asking us for advice on how to stand up for yourself and your children?
Are you wanting things to change, or are you happy enough to continue the way things are just now?

NotDoingTheHousework · 14/10/2008 14:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

parkour · 14/10/2008 14:07

Sounds like your dd1 is not the problem in any form, you and your DH sound like you have a LOT to sort out but your sister shouldn't have to pick up the tab for that. Stop complaining about her on here and investigate some help for you and your DH.

Original poster
VivaLasVegas · 14/10/2008 14:07

When he asked for money for her tea I told him to stop being so pathetic and buy her tea like everyone elses. He said he just thought with her working now that she'd like to buy her own (he did buy her tea in the end anyway but she refused to eat it).

Not scared of DH, no. Scared of another broken marriage, yes.

He also has a habbit of just calling her by her last name as if trying to remind her of the fact that its different from everyone elses in the house (she kept her dads name)

OP posts:
pagwatch · 14/10/2008 14:08

ImNotOnline
I never shout 'troll'- don't think I have accused anyone in the years I have been here ever before - but I just find this implausible and i think the 'my DH doesn't think women should work' is just such a big fat red flag .

I have no doubt that there are disinterested, unavailable, disengaged parents.
This just seems constructed to me.

Thats all.
i am allowed an opinion

VinegARGHHHTits · 14/10/2008 14:09

you have got to be a troll

ImNotOnline · 14/10/2008 14:09

#5: OP refuses to admit any wrongdoing or bad choices on her part.

Not true. and as for the rest i suspect that has more to do with the H than the OP.

IllegallyBrunette · 14/10/2008 14:09

at your last comment.

Your poor dd.

Your husband is a bully.

giraffescantdancethetango · 14/10/2008 14:09

Get your sister and dd on here, they sound great and she could get proper advice on what she can claim while caring for YOUR child. You on the other hand...

luckylady74 · 14/10/2008 14:10

Advice - thank your sister and tell her you will attempt to win your dd's trust and love back and give her any money you have (not spare money, but a third of all your money).
Make plans to leave your dh.
Get a job to support these plans.
Start again.
It's not too late and you will find all the support you need to escape a toxic relationship and reclaim your dd.

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