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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish Sister would stop harrassing us for money?

255 replies

VivaLasVegas · 14/10/2008 12:57

Sorry, I have had to name-change as username was too recognisable.

Basically my daughter (16) went to live with my sister in August. There were loads of problems at home and sister offered so she went. We are very grateful for that.

Anyway we give her the child benefit we receieve for DD but she is constantly asking for more money.

First it was that DD had decided to join college so sister asked us for the admin fee and some money for uniform she needed. This came to nearly £100. I gave her it but reminded her that we couldn't keep shelling out £100 here and there, I still have a DD at home to support.

Next thing was that DD had decided to join army cadets so sister was on the phone asking for money for stuff she needed for that. This time it was £20. I told her she had the child benefit and she said I was being selfish.

After that it was a trip DD was going on, sister wanted us to pay for that. I said no.

Thing is it is my sister that is getting her into all these things and she then expects us to pay for it all. I have another daughter at home to current DH and just can't afford what she is asking for every 5 minutes.

AIBU?

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 14/10/2008 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
VivaLasVegas · 14/10/2008 13:38

I have made mistakes I know. I've never been a great mother, loads of stuff has happened in the past and I know she holds it all against me.

I didn't want her to leave home but its DH's house. She didn't want to live here, I couldn't cope with what was going on, she got suspended twice from her first school. sister said she could live there. She's lived with another sister before and always said she preffered it there anyway.

Sorry some of you think its not true. I can't help that. I just wanted to know if I should be paying for these things and I have lots of answers to that now.

OP posts:
LazyLinePainterJane · 14/10/2008 13:39

Is he her father?

So he said she had to move out if she left her job, they don't get on. So effectively, you chose him over her?

hmmm

You keep saying "I have a daughter at home to support" but you seem to forget that you have two daughters.

Dropdeadfred · 14/10/2008 13:39

you want to know if you should be pying? for your own daughter? seriously????

OMG!

Lauriefairycake · 14/10/2008 13:41

call social services and get her into assisted living and support - your child is exactly the type of child we would be looking after in foster care til 18.

Your sister will then be compensated properly for her (approx £140 a week) which will cover her food and her frankly, excellent range of activities.

These activities are exactly what a child should be doing at that age.

expatinscotland · 14/10/2008 13:42

'I just wanted to know if I should be paying for these things and I have lots of answers to that now.'

You had to ask?

Yeah, you should be paying for the entire lot of it and her bus fare and lunch, too.

Get a JOB to pay for it if you're loser of a 'DH' that you chose above your own kid won't and if he balks then he's an even bigger tosser than I thought.

And don't use excuses like 'but I have my other child to think about'. YOU, the adult, should have considered that before you had another child. HOpe you don't plan to write this one off when the next new face comes along and you can't be bothered.

coppertop · 14/10/2008 13:42

What happens when your dh decides that he wants your dd2 to leave as well? Will you go along with that too?

MrsMattie · 14/10/2008 13:43

Is this for real?

expatinscotland · 14/10/2008 13:43

THANK YOU, Laurie.

Some great advice for an at-risk/vulnerable young person who will hopefully go on to have excellent opportunities with the right support and care.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 14/10/2008 13:44

YABVVVVU. As other posters have pointed out she is YOUR daughter not your sisters. It sounds like your sister has already helped you out a lot taking her on for you, you can't expect her to pay for her too.

LazyLinePainterJane · 14/10/2008 13:45

I don't really want to say too much, VLV in fear of someone in RL working out who I am but I can say that members of my family were in very very similar situation to yourself and your daughter who has moved. I will say that the person in your situation did indeed wash their hands of your daughters equivalent and it hasn't ended well.

I know that's rather cryptic and probably not much use but I wanted to say that it's very easy for you and your DH to focus on the negatives of your daughters personality and behaviour. But having seen where it can go, I would like to remind you, as I could not remind the person in my life, that your daughters actions and behaviour are likely a response to what is going on in your home, and the way that she has been raised and treated by her guardians. It is very unlikely that she is simply a "bad egg", there is a reason she is acting like she is.

It must be very hard to see past this but I want to tell you that you can change what happens from now on, your daughter needs your support.

bubblerock · 14/10/2008 13:46

I just whizzed to the end of this thread hoping it was all made up - can't believe it's for real!

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 14/10/2008 13:48

Can't you see what you are doing to your daughter?

And with letting your husband bully you over this (if indeed he has) things will only get worse in the future.

titchy · 14/10/2008 13:50

I hope you got a Westlife cd in return.....

MorningTownRide · 14/10/2008 13:52

What's stopping your dh kicking you out of his house because you haven't got a job?

Original poster
VivaLasVegas · 14/10/2008 13:53

DH doesn't believe in women going to work. And before everyone says it, he's not of the opinion that women should be tied to the kitchen sink, he just doesn't see why we should go to work when they're bringing money in. My dad was the same.

OP posts:
traceybath · 14/10/2008 13:55

Lordy lordy! Your last comment is really scarey.

Presumably your DH isn't bringing in enough money or you'd be able to give your sister a realistic amount for the upkeep of your daughter?

IllegallyBrunette · 14/10/2008 13:56

Oh good grief. He didn't seem to mind taking your dd's hard earnt money though did he so presumably he didn't mind her working.

ImNotOnline · 14/10/2008 13:56

Yet he expected your DD to work, so he goes in for child labour but not women working? Nice.

flowerybeanbag · 14/10/2008 13:57

He doesn't believe in women working?

But he does believe in 16 year old children working and in taking their earnings from them?

mabanana · 14/10/2008 13:57

I'm so glad your sister is bringing up your daughter. She seems to be making a truly wonderful job of it and you should be on your knees with gratitude not criticising her! You were dragging her down and she was going nowhere, now it sounds as if she feels loved, valued and is responding in a way that would make any normal parent feel proud.
HOwever, it sounds to me as if you are in a controlling abusive relationship - your horrible h sounds like a terrible person with his 'women shouldn't work' attitude and throwing out your daughter. The fact that you cannot see how wrong this is makes me wonder if you have a history of abusive relationships. You say your dad was the same adn that sounds the root of your problems and your inability to be a proper parent.

pagwatch · 14/10/2008 13:59

Ok - that really is it.
This person must be a troll .

Theochris · 14/10/2008 13:59

I can't believe this is for real. Assuming it is though frankly it is hard to know where to start.

She is your daughter, you should be her safe haven when all else is going wrong. Even when you don't love the way she acts, you love the child. Whatever she has been up to she is still a child.

I can't believe anyone would marry a man that doesn't want or understand your responsibilities to your child. How would you both behave if things get tricky with your other DD? Still you have time to try and make contact. You could start by supporting your sister not just with money but by calling to ask how she is/how your daughter is. Then you need to start calling you daughter and asking her not her cousin how she is doing.

Frankly activities sound good, sometimes it's good to be involved in stuff, whatever they are.

more · 14/10/2008 14:00

Are you happy?

ImNotOnline · 14/10/2008 14:01

Why pagwatch?

Not everyone who posts something sad is a troll. Sadly i know many people like this and they believe there is nothing wrong with it.

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