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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish Sister would stop harrassing us for money?

255 replies

VivaLasVegas · 14/10/2008 12:57

Sorry, I have had to name-change as username was too recognisable.

Basically my daughter (16) went to live with my sister in August. There were loads of problems at home and sister offered so she went. We are very grateful for that.

Anyway we give her the child benefit we receieve for DD but she is constantly asking for more money.

First it was that DD had decided to join college so sister asked us for the admin fee and some money for uniform she needed. This came to nearly £100. I gave her it but reminded her that we couldn't keep shelling out £100 here and there, I still have a DD at home to support.

Next thing was that DD had decided to join army cadets so sister was on the phone asking for money for stuff she needed for that. This time it was £20. I told her she had the child benefit and she said I was being selfish.

After that it was a trip DD was going on, sister wanted us to pay for that. I said no.

Thing is it is my sister that is getting her into all these things and she then expects us to pay for it all. I have another daughter at home to current DH and just can't afford what she is asking for every 5 minutes.

AIBU?

OP posts:
more · 14/10/2008 14:10

sorry x-post there.
What things do you want to change?
Are you wanting to leave your husband, but is scared?
It sounds like you have been bullied most of your life, firstly by your father and now by your husband. If they have told/are telling you that you are useless/worthless they are wrong.
You can change and you should change, especially your priorities regarding your children.
Please go see your GP and ask if can get some sort of counselling.

ImNotOnline · 14/10/2008 14:10

I would rather another broken relationship than two broken DDs

parkour · 14/10/2008 14:10

Am utterly gobsmacked by each new revelation of your DH's behaviour - an adult shouldn't be treated like that, let alone a child/dd. If that happened with my DH, he'd be picking his belongings up from the street faster than he could say "pay for it yourself".

NotDoingTheHousework · 14/10/2008 14:10

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Original poster
VivaLasVegas · 14/10/2008 14:11

notdoingthehousework, I have admitted wrong doing on my part.

DH doesn't earn that much. He won't claim tax credits. We get £10 a week for DD2 which is child tax credit. I have phoned them as everyone says we should be getting more but they insist its right. They did send us a giro for £500 last year though saying they had made a mistake but still we continue getting £10 a week.

OP posts:
DaphneMoon · 14/10/2008 14:11

PMSL Notdoing, sorry I know it's not funny but that fuckadoodledo at the end of your post had me ROFL. Sorry

LazyLinePainterJane · 14/10/2008 14:12

Really? You have sat by and let him treat her like this?

In all seriousness, does he hit you? Or is he just controlling you with money?

In terms of what you should do...well, you should leave. Obviously.

StewieGriffinsMom · 14/10/2008 14:13

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nooOOOoonki · 14/10/2008 14:13

If you are open to advise then here is mine.

Your must leave your husband for the sake of both your children and yourself.

You may have to live in less 'comfotable' circumstances for a while but that will be far better for all of you than living with a bully.

By choosing your DH over your DC you doing far more harm than living in a hostel would do.

you need to take long hard look at you life and start prioritising your children over a man.

luckylady74 · 14/10/2008 14:13

If you posted here that you want your dd back, but you are scared of your dh and don't know how - then you would get a lot of support. Start a new thread and see how much practical advice you will get on getting out and getting your dd back. You are not happy - take the first step.

NotDoingTheHousework · 14/10/2008 14:14

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Original poster
VivaLasVegas · 14/10/2008 14:16

Yes I know its wrong.

His mother told me that if we ever split up, she would make sure she got custody of DD2. DH says he wouldn't be able to carry on if I left. I got the blame for my first husband dying, I don't want that again.

I know its all a mess.

OP posts:
ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 14/10/2008 14:16

"He also has a habbit of just calling her by her last name as if trying to remind her of the fact that its different from everyone elses in the house (she kept her dads name)"

I feel like smacking you in the face you stupid silly woman. What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you that desperate for a husband you let hims treat your daughter like crap?

He is a fucking bully and I am so bloody annoyed with you that I think I might scream.

Your poor poor daughter. I would give her a home right now and not take a penny off her. In the eyes of the law she is a child.

ImNotOnline · 14/10/2008 14:17

Also i agree with luckylady, post another thread, somewhere not like AIBU.

FWIW Even if OP is a troll there are so many women in the same position that advice online brought about by whatever method has to be good.

StewieGriffinsMom · 14/10/2008 14:18

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ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 14/10/2008 14:18

If your first husband died (I am sorry for the loss) then how can it be another broken marriage?

Dropdeadfred · 14/10/2008 14:19

are you frightened of your husband? does he intimidate you?

if you had the choice would you rather be have your dd back and him long gone?

By the way you can claim the tax credits it doesn't have to be him

luckylady74 · 14/10/2008 14:19

She wouldn't get custody. You're traumatized and vunerable because of your 1st dh dying.
This is not a good enough reason to ruin your own daughter's life by allowing yourself to be abused. Is it good for dd2 seeing her sister treated in this way?

MorningTownRide · 14/10/2008 14:20

#6: Nearly every one of the OP's posts has something designed to inflame. eg: He also has a habbit of just calling her by her last name as if trying to remind her of the fact that its different from everyone elses in the house (she kept her dads name)

ImNotOnline · 14/10/2008 14:20

she would make sure she got custody of DD2.

How exactly? Especially if as you say she treats your other daughter like shit off her shoe.

DH says he wouldn't be able to carry on if I left.

I seriously doubt that, especially if his mother does have your DD2 In all seriousness that rreally isn't your problem, your daughters are.

I got the blame for my first husband dying, I don't want that again.

Some people are stupid and nasty, that shouldn't stop you from acting the same.

NotDoingTheHousework · 14/10/2008 14:20

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Original poster
VivaLasVegas · 14/10/2008 14:20

We were divorced before he died. And I was married one time before that too. (vry young at the time)

Will post on the other topics later. I need to go and think things through but for what it's worth, I do appreciate people replying, even if most think I'm wrong/unreal.

I will post more later but I have to go now.
Thank You

OP posts:
bozza · 14/10/2008 14:21

Very unlikely that you ,as the main carer for your DD, would not get custody. If you are not going to leave him, at least get a job and a bit of independence, oh and the ability to pay for your DD1's expenses.

pReachyTheExorcist · 14/10/2008 14:21

I KNOW I have been terrible for letting this go on but I don't know what to do anymore.

You have to stand up t him, I bet that would mean more to her than any kind of cash amount. Tell him to sling his hook would be my advice, he's a nasty emotionally abusive piece of work; you haven't been much better but you may have a chance to remedy that; grab it!

This £80 a week she earns- how much does she get for a 'life' then? Nowt by the sound of it! You say she used to go out with her friends all the time- how on earth did she afford that? Can't see how she would now.

Reading between lines I suspect that your DH has been pretty tyrancal in youtr family full stop; a read through the types of abuse of the womens aid website may well be in order- start with financial. Then get yourselves out of there. Please.

VinegARGHHHTits · 14/10/2008 14:21

So your not prepared to take the blame for your bastard H doing something silly if you left, yet you are letting your DD live miserable existance and letting her be treated like shit no man should ever come before your DD, whats wrong with you!! your mil would not get custody and your H would not harm himself, they are manipulative bastards the pair of them

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