To wish Sister would stop harrassing us for money?

[VivaLasVegas]

Sorry, I have had to name-change as username was too recognisable.

Basically my daughter (16) went to live with my sister in August. There were loads of problems at home and sister offered so she went. We are very grateful for that.

Anyway we give her the child benefit we receieve for DD but she is constantly asking for more money.

First it was that DD had decided to join college so sister asked us for the admin fee and some money for uniform she needed. This came to nearly £100. I gave her it but reminded her that we couldn't keep shelling out £100 here and there, I still have a DD at home to support.

Next thing was that DD had decided to join army cadets so sister was on the phone asking for money for stuff she needed for that. This time it was £20. I told her she had the child benefit and she said I was being selfish.

After that it was a trip DD was going on, sister wanted us to pay for that. I said no.

Thing is it is my sister that is getting her into all these things and she then expects us to pay for it all. I have another daughter at home to current DH and just can't afford what she is asking for every 5 minutes.

AIBU?

[Lurkinaround]

I'm not condoning what the OP has done, or not done, in regard to her daughter but it sounds to me like she's terrified of her husband and, because she has to ask him for the extra money her sister is asking for, she'd rather blame her sister for putting her in that position rather than standing up to him.

I hope she can find the strength to leave and live a peaceful life with both her DDs. Or at least make sure her eldest DD is given proper financial support.

[tigermoth]

VivalasVegas, do you ever worry that your partner may one day turn on your dd2 and not want to support her either?

Am I right in thinking he is the the biological father of your dd2 - You may say 'that's different' but it sounds like he has a strange take on fatherhood and unconditional love. What happens if his own daughter does not live up to his expectations in some way? Looking at what's happening now IMO there is a real risk this could happen.

I know some of the messages have been very heated, but is there enough here to make you look at everything from a new angle? It sounds like you have been emotionally abused by your partner and are not thinking clearly.

I know teeangers can be really demanding in their material wants and it can make you feel besieged by requests, but also, you must know how much it costs to feed, clothe and give the basics to a 16 year old.

[expatinscotland]

the OP only came up with that leave him thread AFTER people pointed out how badly she was treating her DD1.

but Quattro's right, the OP was a moan about supporting her own child.

[Sillyworry]

Viva, I think you need to ask for advice in the real world. Speak to the local Domestic Violence Unit at police station just for advice. Don't give your real name if you don't want to and explain why. Look for advice from women's refuge or the council. At least you would be stronger for know what the authorities can do for you if things get uglier. At least it may keep you informed. Living with a man that forces you to choose between your daughter and him isn't on. You also have mil who has made threats about DD2 future if it doesn't workout. Sadly I have worked with women in your position and you are an adult and no one can force you to leave a man that no good for you or see sense unless you want to. It sounds like your daughter has a lovely aunt that helping her grown into a valuable citizen. I think you should thank your sister and give her any spare cash you come across as good will after explaining why you can't get a part time job to help your daughter out.

[Peachy]

you're right exp the op was. and I was as agast as the rest.

and then it moved on

so we have a choice: enable that (and maybe even a reunion with her dd1) or just go round in circles, further alienating her and possible destroying whatever spark might just carry her through

I know it can be bloody impossible to help abused women- I've seen my friend resist every rescue attempt for years- but some do make it out

and well if its not true whats the loss? on mnyou may as well go with the story presented as long as cash isnt requested