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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to specify "no violent toys please" on party invite

255 replies

loobeylou · 26/09/2008 21:08

Ds will be 4 soon

he went to a party at the weekend where another boy was whacking everyone with a plastic sword. His parents were not there, so the bad behaviour went unchecked, largely. Tho people told him not to, I guess noone felt they had the right to take it from him/cause a scene.since Ds started nursery he has been coming home shooting his finger at us "You're a nasty person and i'm shooting you dead" etc

this horrifies me, I will not accept that is just how boys are. Nursery are very good, they do not own any violent toys and tell them not to play those sorts of games, but it is hard because there are some boys who will pick up a stick, train or lego brick and pretend it is a gun, and the boys are young and only doing what they do at home (I assume). I think it is so sad.

any way, we really do not want ds to ever have any weapon type toys, Is it BU or OK to put on party invite something like "X would like Y to come to his party. Please do not feel obliged to buy a gift, but if you would like to , please respect our wishes and do not buy anything of a violent nature, thanks"

anyone any experience?

AIBU?

otherwise I dread him getting stuff we really don't like and having to hide it from him/send to charity shop

OP posts:
Twiglett · 27/09/2008 08:43

I now allow weapons of course .. as I realised it's a fairly benign imaginative play

but I will not allow Barbie, Bratz or any other ho-brand into the house .. fortunately DD prefers a good sword-fight to a mini-prossie

kittywise · 27/09/2008 08:46

my dd's like the whores I've given up banning them.

LittleBella · 27/09/2008 08:47

LOL at ho brand.

DD's got Barbie and Bratz. I'd rather not have them but people buy them for her and she loves them. All I can do is occasionally sneer at them point out how unrealistic their proportions are and ask why their repertoire of achievement is so limited and trust that I'm planting the seeds...

Flossish · 27/09/2008 08:52

I'm obviously a bit stupid - I don't want DS to have guns but the idea of giving dd a barbie hadn't struck me as a bad plan until I found that my mum had tried to ban them - when I then got given one (as they inevitably do) I thought it was the coolest thing ever. Perhaps the same argument could work for the guns etc. Maybe I should just lighten up and allow any toy into my house, after all MIL brought DD a ride on toy from Asda in brash pink and purple which has the most annoying voices singing about how she is a 'good and kind princess' and how she 'knew one day her prince would come' tis bloody awful.

jcscot · 27/09/2008 09:10

Of course it's scary being a parent - naturally we worry about our children and how we can protect them from anything harmful. However, continually wrapping them in cotton wool doesn't prevent nasty things, sadly.

Both my brothers played with action man/guns/cops and robber/cowboys and indians and neither of them would dream of being violent in any way. While I understand the desitre not to encourage such games, I think that children can't be prevented from playing them, should they discover them.

Playing at goodies/baddies with imaginary or pretend weapons does not mean that they will be any more pre-disposed towards violence as they grow older.

Mind you, my husband also played all those sorts of games and he went on to join the Army - a job he loves - as an officer. He's also good enough with a gun to qualify as a marksman. Do I think that toys/games influenced his choice of career? Not one bit.

jcscot · 27/09/2008 09:12

One other thing - YABU to specify such things on an invitation. Neither of my two boys would be at your party because I would consider the stipulation to be very rude.

Pastarito · 27/09/2008 09:19

YABU - haven't read whole (long) thread though.

As some posters have said, the wording you want to put on the invite comes accross as very PFB. I understand your worries about violence though, and sympathise, but I wouldn't go down this route.

I also think as another poster said, that people probably won't buy guns/swords etc for your DS. I have two DS's and have had several parties for them (two or three of which would have had over 30 kids invited) and I've never ever seen a single gun or sword among the presents they received.
We've moved around a bit as well, so we are not stuck in one or the other demographic area - people seem to react the same way all over IMO.

It does seem to me too, as another poster said (sorry can't recall any names as skimmed it) that you have to watch out for forbidden fruit. There is a bit of a fine line to tread between not encouraging violence and not actively buying this stuff yourself and actively forbidding it.

Interestingly enough, my 9.5 yr old was recently invited to a party where the birthday boy's older brother (who is in the Royal Marines) did a hand to hand combat display with 4 of his colleagues -ALL the boys (and most of the mums) were mad for it.

belgo · 27/09/2008 09:19

How do you define violent toys? For example, is Star Wars Lego deemed violent? What about cowboy and indian playmobil?

DaphneMoon · 27/09/2008 09:38

I played with Sindy as a child, I also played with guns, we used to buy the reel of poppers from the local shop to make them bang. We grew up on a farm so had an endless supply of swords made from branches etc. I have not grown up to be a murderer or had plastic implants to make myself look like Sindy! For goodness sake, let kids be kids. I'm not suggesting buying them flick knives, but I do think the OP is being a little over the top here.

Rose100 · 27/09/2008 09:38

The difficulty is where to draw the line. I have 3 boys but detest most "boys toys", if they're not violent they are ugly, monster type things. The worst present I ever had was from a mum of 2 girls who gave me a Hulk "Rage Cage" (for my 3 year old) with this evil looking hulk busting out of this cage with an insane look on his face and clenched fists. WTF? How would she have felt if I had bought this for one of her daughters. How can we expect little boys to grow into nice men with this sort of stereotyping. I couldn't even take it to a charity shop I hated it so much.

JuneBugJen · 27/09/2008 09:44

I think Loobyloo that I am sad for you that you were obviously distressed by how negative you felt many of the comments were.

It is obviously an emotive subject for you and you will find that MANY people do agree with you. They just happen not to be posting much on this thread!

Don't think you are unreasonable etc. Don't put 'no violent toys' on your invite (as it is a bit odd!), but if you feel strongly about your ds having violent toys, don't let anyone belittle you and your values.

Original poster
loobeylou · 27/09/2008 16:07

Yes, agree with posts saying that original wording re: "violent toys" is not the best solution, but I was hoping for some more constructive advise on HOW I could word things, given that i def dont want guns.

I was not asking if I had the right to make these feelings known, just how best i could do it.(should have known better, asking for constructive criticism on MN - lol) but have already said i don't think I will bother anyway and rely on the (relieving) info in posts from mums of boys, who would never give/have never received guns as presents.

That I do find reassuring, as it must point to the fact that actually most people do see these as inappropraite, or at least acknowledge that other parents might. This is my only son so my experience of boys and their toys is limited, but I don't think I was unreasonable in thinking people might give these, if they allow/give them to their own?

AS for all this PFB stuff, don't know who started that But I have had 4 kids actually and DS is youngest, and def final one.
To those who say this is more about me and i cant go stiffling his imaginative play/wrap him in cotton wool etc....well, yes it is about me - wanting to protect him,and nurture him as best i can and yes, i KNOW my own fears run deeper than that. My 3rd child died, so is there any wonder I am a little overprotective/paranoid!
Like most parents, I only want what i think is best for him. I am judge of that, noone else. And I would not dream of resorting to name calling any of you for defending your right to let your ds play with whatever toys YOU deem appropriate, so shame on those who can do nothing but be rude -
it is amazing how many people on here (with the privacy of anonimity) are willihng to really slag off anyone who holds a different POV, rather than engage in a civilized debate!.

OP posts:
ethanchristopher · 27/09/2008 16:09

id be suprised if many people did buy you gun toys :S

ive never had a gun or violent present for ds in all of his 1 birthdays and 1 christmases lol

Megglevache · 27/09/2008 16:11

I wouldn't think it was weird if this was on an invite personally.

ScummyMummy · 27/09/2008 16:16

No one will buy a toy gun as a birthday party present. Don't worry about it.

nooka · 27/09/2008 16:40

Sorry loobeylou but you have been rude yourself, so don't think you can really object if others have been forthright. I agree with you on guns, I've made it clear to dh and ds that I don't want them around, but that's as far as I'd go. No one has ever bought him a gun, and I have never seen one given as a present either, although I did go to a cowboy/girl party, where lots of the children had cowboy guns. It was a fab party btw ds is nine.

My sister tried the route that you are attempting with her ds. No violent toys, all TV/videos vetted etc etc. As a small child (in fact even now) he was the most violent kid I have come across. Nothing to do with not having, or having guns. He just has a terrible temper, gets very frustrated and lashes out. A child that deliberately causes others pain is a significant worry. A child that says "bang bang you're dead" is not.

Oh, and so long as you have birthday parties you will get presents you don't like. In fact resign yourself to the fact that you will dislike most of the presents you receive. Surely you have already discovered that with your girls (my dd has got some really gross (pink) tat - far worse than anything ds has ever been given).

sarah293 · 27/09/2008 17:03

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JuneBugJen · 27/09/2008 17:06

So sorry to hear about DS3 Looby.

Twelvelegs · 27/09/2008 17:06

Not on the invite!! If you want your child to have respect and a loathing of violence there are many ways to do it, not by insisting what other buy him for his birthday.

If you are really against it you could put on the invite...
DS has so many toys that we would like you to donate a toy to your local children's home/hospice.

FluffyMummy123 · 27/09/2008 17:07

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FluffyMummy123 · 27/09/2008 17:08

Message withdrawn

WideWebWitch · 27/09/2008 17:09

I'd think it was a bit pfb/borderline weirdy if I got an invitation with this on it.

FluffyMummy123 · 27/09/2008 17:10

Message withdrawn

Original poster
loobeylou · 27/09/2008 17:16

LOL at the pink tat nooka - i am forever ferreting it away to the charity shops! WE have all manner of things pink/lilac/fluffy/feathery/lacey in this house! oddest present IMO so far was a barbie in nothing but hot pants and a crop top for a 2 yr old.

but for the record, no I was not personally abusive to anyone. putting forth ones views strongly wether for/against is one thing, but resorting to personal abuse and name calling is another entirely, and I just don't do it. These are the ones i was complaining about, though I accept that its all part of life on MN, I was just saying its sad peopl cant be more constructive instead of just resorting to slagging off others

OP posts:
TheBlonde · 27/09/2008 17:18

a no guns invite would make me want to buy one