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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to specify "no violent toys please" on party invite

255 replies

loobeylou · 26/09/2008 21:08

Ds will be 4 soon

he went to a party at the weekend where another boy was whacking everyone with a plastic sword. His parents were not there, so the bad behaviour went unchecked, largely. Tho people told him not to, I guess noone felt they had the right to take it from him/cause a scene.since Ds started nursery he has been coming home shooting his finger at us "You're a nasty person and i'm shooting you dead" etc

this horrifies me, I will not accept that is just how boys are. Nursery are very good, they do not own any violent toys and tell them not to play those sorts of games, but it is hard because there are some boys who will pick up a stick, train or lego brick and pretend it is a gun, and the boys are young and only doing what they do at home (I assume). I think it is so sad.

any way, we really do not want ds to ever have any weapon type toys, Is it BU or OK to put on party invite something like "X would like Y to come to his party. Please do not feel obliged to buy a gift, but if you would like to , please respect our wishes and do not buy anything of a violent nature, thanks"

anyone any experience?

AIBU?

otherwise I dread him getting stuff we really don't like and having to hide it from him/send to charity shop

OP posts:
StudentMadwife · 26/09/2008 22:50

slime for the bath, horrible, dont do it!

cheesesarnie · 26/09/2008 22:52

no doesnt sound very nice.

lilolilmanchester · 26/09/2008 23:00
MrPinkerton · 26/09/2008 23:14

this is a funny old OP. I wouldn't dream of giving a replica weapon as a gift.

Though DS has a full arsenal at home. Space guns, pirate swords all tut he's picked up with dad in their charity shop forays on pocket money days.

I'm relaxed about the gun issue. I had a full cowboy suit and gun aged 5 (tomboy) so know the joy of shootin' at this age. Was a member of cnd at 15. There you go.

However - If it's something you feel strongly about so I think it's all right to say '(please respect our wishes, and don't buy loobeylou Junior a gun!). -in brackets and rather than saying violent weapon etc.

(that sounds shit sorry but I do think the principle is sort of ok)

Tortington · 26/09/2008 23:16

i'd think cheeky bitch!

NotAnOtter · 26/09/2008 23:24

i would not mind the wording on invite

chacun a son gout

cheesesarnie · 26/09/2008 23:36

when are you sending out invites?i dare say theyll be a few 'can you believe this invite' threads

Marina · 26/09/2008 23:39

I'd not go to the party, frankly, to avoid the dilemma of buying young Mr Peace Pledge a right-on gift.
And FWIW, you can avoid actively encouraging guns and fighting without being so tediously precious about it.
I would definitely put No Ant Farms on my anti-wish list soren. And No Play-Doh.

Ronaldinhio · 26/09/2008 23:40

sorry but that sounds like a nuts party invite
yanbu in your ideology but that will put everyone receiving it's back up (rubbish grasp of English emoticon)

NotAnOtter · 26/09/2008 23:40

i may smirk a bit and raise an eyebrow but not be seriously affronted

ScottishMummy · 26/09/2008 23:43

more fun than an Edinburgh wedding then LOL apparently they are all like minded people

"whose parents i knew and who I am sure would feel the same"

nice

Janni · 26/09/2008 23:43

The thing about the boy at the party with a toy sword and no one knowing what to do about it speaks volumes. I have boys. If a small child was annoying everyone with a toy sword, it would be removed and returned at the end of the party. No big deal, no need for handwringing.

They are bits of plastic. You are an adult. Make them disappear when you've had enough of them, but don't turn them into forbidden magic.

Janni · 26/09/2008 23:47

DS2 will always try to get hold of plastic guns etc but has never had a fight in his life and he's 8. He's a very gentle soul, but loves the make-believe that comes with toy weapons.

ScottishMummy · 26/09/2008 23:54

out of interest do we demonise wee girls and dollies/prams.does duster= kim and aggy

ScottishMummy · 26/09/2008 23:54

out of interest do we demonise wee girls and dollies/prams.does duster= kim and aggy

Combustiblelemon · 27/09/2008 00:03

ScottishMummy, my mother had a policy of no toy irons, hoovers, kitchens, baby dolls etc. which I've continued. I would have loved a sword though

IMO, swords ok- though not inside near breakable things/people. Toy guns/action man stuff is a no no.

ScottishMummy · 27/09/2008 00:13

well i clacked aboot im my maw's shoes doesn't mean i wear heels brandished a duster doesn't make me princess fluff n fold twinkleTits andrea

Combustiblelemon · 27/09/2008 00:24

Now if I could find 'Princess Fluff 'n' Fold Twinkle Tits Andrea' I'd definitely buy it I think she was worried about the stereotyping of little girls- housework toys and pretend babies. It worked though- I try to avoid housework as much as possible!

Pekkala · 27/09/2008 07:43

If you are interested in this area, there is great book - "We don't play with guns here: War, Weapon and Superhero Play in the Early Years" by Penny Holland.
It's more a 'borrow from library' than a 'must buy' but it really made me think about (and revise) my deeply held liberal/lefty/pacifist views.

"The author challenges the key rationale for linking aggressive play themes to violent behaviour. She examines play where children are allowed to construct weapons and enact goodies/baddies and superhero scenarios with sensitive adult guidance, and explores the generally positive experiences of children and practitioners. Rather than reading this form of play as the beginning of the slippery slope towards anti-social behaviour, readers are invited to view it as an entry point to imaginative play and social development."

AbbeyA · 27/09/2008 08:21

I never bought my DSs realistic guns although they did have pirate swords, a replical Roman sword and flashing space guns, bought by other people. They had hours of imaginative play out of them.
They would all run a mile from a real fight and are not in the least violent. I would be very wary of making a big thing out of it-forbidden fruits can become a fascination.
Boys, in general, like physical activity, using up energy, noise and risk taking. I don't think we do them any favours by keeping them safely at home, clean and following sedentary pursuits.
Making requests for presents is precious beyond belief and makes the assumption that people will buy weapons in the first place, not something I would ever have done.

SqueakyPop · 27/09/2008 08:25

Yabu. People should be free to give you what they want. If you don't like them, you can 'lose' them.

Actually, swords are very handy to have in the dressing up box, as there will no doubt be some school play in the future where they will need such a prop.

kittywise · 27/09/2008 08:30

Haven't read thread but this makes you sound like a wally.

thebutlerdidit · 27/09/2008 08:38

YABU. There are loads of toys that people would rather not receive as gifts but its rude to specify. Personally I wouldn't give a weapon, my ds has never been given one as a gift and I don't think I have ever been to a party where someone has been given a toy weapon. Personally I don't give things which are messy, noisy, need a lot of adult interaction or may be considered inappropriate by the parent eg make up for a little girl, clothes with twattish slogans, pole dancing kit, gun etc. and I would consider it patronising that you would think I needed this pointed out to me.

BecauseImWorthIt · 27/09/2008 08:39

I have read through the thread.

I tried to skim a bit then realised I'd missed the start of a fight. I'm very disappointed that it didn't kick off further

If I had received this invitation when my boys were little, I'd have been but I would have understood where you were coming from, even if this was very clumsy, arrogant, smug and patronising.

Both my boys played with guns, even though we didn't approve. Anything that came into the house (and it does, somehow) was removed from them. But then they fashion guns from Lego. When that is removed, along with any other plastic tat, they simply use their hands/fingers. Can't take them away!

It is, ultimately, imaginative play - and no more harmful, IMO, than any other imaginative play.

This is, actually, all about you and your views and fears of the world.

I can understand that you want to protect your PFB son from the outside world, but you can't. It is your job to teach him about the world, and help him learn what is right and wrong.

And the rest of your posts trying to justify your position have been, IMO, even more insulting and smug.

Twiglett · 27/09/2008 08:41

have only read OP ... at the risk of playing MN roulette (where one ignores the general gist of the thread)

if you did that I would just cringe with embarrassment .. it is such a huge over-step into PFB unacceptability .... ooo it's curl up and die cringe-nasty

people will not bring weapons, they simply don't .. if they do you smile sweetly say thank you and put it up on a cupboard and give it away / sell it ..