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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to specify "no violent toys please" on party invite

255 replies

loobeylou · 26/09/2008 21:08

Ds will be 4 soon

he went to a party at the weekend where another boy was whacking everyone with a plastic sword. His parents were not there, so the bad behaviour went unchecked, largely. Tho people told him not to, I guess noone felt they had the right to take it from him/cause a scene.since Ds started nursery he has been coming home shooting his finger at us "You're a nasty person and i'm shooting you dead" etc

this horrifies me, I will not accept that is just how boys are. Nursery are very good, they do not own any violent toys and tell them not to play those sorts of games, but it is hard because there are some boys who will pick up a stick, train or lego brick and pretend it is a gun, and the boys are young and only doing what they do at home (I assume). I think it is so sad.

any way, we really do not want ds to ever have any weapon type toys, Is it BU or OK to put on party invite something like "X would like Y to come to his party. Please do not feel obliged to buy a gift, but if you would like to , please respect our wishes and do not buy anything of a violent nature, thanks"

anyone any experience?

AIBU?

otherwise I dread him getting stuff we really don't like and having to hide it from him/send to charity shop

OP posts:
travellingwilbury · 26/09/2008 21:25

I would understand if I recieved the invite , but to be fair I would never by a weapon as a toy anyway .
But I agree with others that they will use other things anyway . I have a very lovely 4yr old who at a cheap and nasty fair ground catch a duck thing won and insisted on getting an equally cheap and nasty toy gun as his prize . I didn't like it but had told him it was his choice , I also thought it would break within the day as these things tend to do but to my horror ir is still going strong 6 mths later .

It hasn't turned him into a violent killer just yet

elmoandella · 26/09/2008 21:26

as long as it's an actual game with role play. and goodies and baddies i think it's important in teching the rights and wrongs.

cops and robbers is a childplay way of explaining if you do something wrong - like shoot someone--- then you get put in jail by the policeman.

not the police man doesn't shoot the robber. they put them in jail till they get rescued.

where is the harm in that.

WilfSell · 26/09/2008 21:26

I was just the same too. But 3 sons later, (including one who is very moral and upright, would never dream of hitting people at large but love violent toys and games; one who is very arty and never plays violent games with his friends) I care much less...

...Many more things influence their values than the toys they play with.

Ratface · 26/09/2008 21:26

in all honesty, if i saw that on an invite i would snort and laugh and tyhink 'oh my how incedibly naive/precious those parents are' and prob give them a wide berth.

ForeverOptimistic · 26/09/2008 21:26

If ds received an invitation specifying non-violent toys I would assume that the parents were completely loopy and I would also feel somewhat patronised.

georgimama · 26/09/2008 21:26

I think any attempt to prescribe on an invitation what kind of gifts people should bring is presumptious and rude. To try to stop little boys playing "bang bang you're dead" is an exercise in futility.

pointydog · 26/09/2008 21:26

I know, otter, I'm being antagonistically blunt. It's fair enough that you find my opinion wanky.

WilfSell · 26/09/2008 21:27

See, told you: you're gonna get flamed. Brace yourself.

deepinlaundry · 26/09/2008 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mutt · 26/09/2008 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Overmydeadbody · 26/09/2008 21:28

NotanOtter swords are not knives and I'm pretty sure there is no research linking playing with swords as a child with knife crime later on.

Sword fighting was/is an artform, a practiced skill, not a random act of violence.

NotAnOtter · 26/09/2008 21:28

tbh friends of my 5 year old ds probably know he is far too gay gentle to want those sort of toys

i jest - i jest........

AMumInScotland · 26/09/2008 21:29

I think it would come across as a bit precious, and rather insulting - both to parents who see nothing wrong with toy weapons and to those who agree with you and wouldn't dream of giving them as presents.

I think your problem at the party was that the people whose party it was clearly did not take responsibility for the child's behaviour - if his parents weren't there, surely it was the host parents responsibilty to stop him hittin gother children?

FWIW I never gave DS guns, and he never made them out of toast. But I never specified anything about party presents, and wouldn't have considered it appropriate.

NotAnOtter · 26/09/2008 21:29

overmydeadbody sorry but double at swordfighting as an artform

i am sure somewhere in the anals (i jest) it is but really.....

ingles2 · 26/09/2008 21:29

I don't think you are being unreasonable, just naive and just a little smug if I'm honest.
At the moment your ds hasn't picked up a stick, biscuit whatever and fashioned it into a weapon, but I can pretty much guarantee he will at some point, whether you allow him to have toy weapons or not, it is nothing to do with what they have at home ime, but inherent within the majority.
As someone said earlier you risk turning them into an object of desire if they are banned as he will see them at others houses, parties etc.
I have never bought either of my boys a toy weapon, but they have been given as gifts usually by family, not friends. The interest lasts about 2 days and then it's totally forgotten...

Overmydeadbody · 26/09/2008 21:29

exactly, it is patronising to put that on the invite, it suggests that you assume they will all be buying toy guns as presents without your words of guidance.

Dragonbutter · 26/09/2008 21:30

i'm not a huge fan of plastic stuff but there's no way i would dictate to others what gifts i consider suitable. it's sounds very uptight to ask them to respect your wishes and i would be concerned whether the party was going to be 'fun' or not.

Ratface · 26/09/2008 21:30

notanO

SlartyBartFast · 26/09/2008 21:30

i agree you invitation should stipulate "no gifts"

southeastastra · 26/09/2008 21:31

boys just fight like it or not

we need to let them fight it out more when they're younger

Original poster
loobeylou · 26/09/2008 21:32

They must be copying from somewhere to bite toast or biscuits into gun shapes, if parents also don't like guns. Why accept it as inevitable? Is it copied from inappropriate TV/films, older brothers/friends? My son has only started doing this sort of play since he went to nursery.

Pirates I can accept more, despite the horrific knife crime stats, because the child can see that is a fictional situation

but all this "I'm gonna shoot you becaus I don't like you" business really makes me feel ill. Too real somehow. Too spiteful for little children

Guess I could keep quiet and hope other parents would ask "what would little X like for his birthday?", then i can give some ideas as well as say actually, prefer no guns

OP posts:
pointydog · 26/09/2008 21:32

wouldn't you call them all fictional situations?

ingles2 · 26/09/2008 21:33

oh look a million and one cross posts whilst I tried to word my post nicely....
I wanted to say....
it's worded wanky...
or is that wanky worded .

mrsruffallo · 26/09/2008 21:34

YABU
Bit poncey and patronising to put this on an invitation imo
You can explain to your son why you feel certain gifts are inappropriate.
You cannot dictate to your guests what they should buy

TheCrackFox · 26/09/2008 21:34

I think you would be better to state no toys.

FWIW I wouldn't dream of buying a toy gun etc for a b'day pressie but if I got an invite stating "no violent toys" I would not be impressed. It just shrieks that you think you are a better parent than all the other scum bags. I think my DSs would find something else to do that afternoon.