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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to specify "no violent toys please" on party invite

255 replies

loobeylou · 26/09/2008 21:08

Ds will be 4 soon

he went to a party at the weekend where another boy was whacking everyone with a plastic sword. His parents were not there, so the bad behaviour went unchecked, largely. Tho people told him not to, I guess noone felt they had the right to take it from him/cause a scene.since Ds started nursery he has been coming home shooting his finger at us "You're a nasty person and i'm shooting you dead" etc

this horrifies me, I will not accept that is just how boys are. Nursery are very good, they do not own any violent toys and tell them not to play those sorts of games, but it is hard because there are some boys who will pick up a stick, train or lego brick and pretend it is a gun, and the boys are young and only doing what they do at home (I assume). I think it is so sad.

any way, we really do not want ds to ever have any weapon type toys, Is it BU or OK to put on party invite something like "X would like Y to come to his party. Please do not feel obliged to buy a gift, but if you would like to , please respect our wishes and do not buy anything of a violent nature, thanks"

anyone any experience?

AIBU?

otherwise I dread him getting stuff we really don't like and having to hide it from him/send to charity shop

OP posts:
NotCod · 27/09/2008 17:19

id buy two adn put them on an elsasstic band aroudn his head liek a big set overtly agresive deely boppers

Original poster
loobeylou · 27/09/2008 17:23

junebug - thank you, a loss is always with you but time helps, most days

riven - so sorry to hear about yr DD, that msut be really hard

twelvelegs, funnily enough we already do this for our DDs, who are older, we ask people to contribute craft stuff for the play area at the childrens ward where they ahve both had lots of treatment, but as this is DS first party and he is so young i would feel mean doing that to him

OP posts:
Guadalupe · 27/09/2008 17:24

You will sound really annoying and people will roll their eyes. Just 'lose' them if you don't want them.

ds1 always used to put a barbie's legs at a 90 degree angle and fire it like a gun. I half expected little balls to shoot out.

Guadalupe · 27/09/2008 17:26

Sorry, seem to have posted at the wrong moment.

sarah293 · 27/09/2008 17:29

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JuneBugJen · 27/09/2008 17:35

Just on a different thing...Riven, is your name after the computer game?

HonoriaGlossop · 27/09/2008 17:38

The nastiest thing on this thread has not been thoughts of tiny kids playing shoot-outs but a grown woman calling a young kid left in her care a 'little git' !!!

This sort of play is healthy and natural. not all boys need it or do it, but for those who do it is not to be worried about imo, it is imaginative play which is helping these young children process some very important issues; death, cause and effect, control (which kids have little of in real life). Yes, there are also other ways these things could be processed but no harm in this way either as part of a balanced cared-for childhood. We need to be careful we don't emasculate boyhood and make normal boy behaviour be seen as un-wished for, even further than it is already.

nooka · 27/09/2008 17:44

Well I don't see any personal abuse. Lots of people have said how your suggested wording on the invitation would be received, generally rather badly, but then that's what you asked wasn't it?

You on the other hand said "some of you are just not as concerned about your kids welfare as me" and that was certainly offensive, as I am sure you intended it to be.

NotCod · 27/09/2008 17:45

buit kdis ARE gits
a lto fo the time
nto allignthem gits dos not help your mentla health

FILLYJONKhasayarnshopASBO · 27/09/2008 17:48

I think say no toys if you are worried that he might get something unsuitable.

Pretty much no kids in this entire country need ANY more toys, IMO. (Except a few who really have none)

I think we are misunderstanding the role of play if we think either that guns make childern violent, or that we have some right to shape play because it is distasteful to us. Play is bascially how children think, they are not able to work things through in their heads to the same degree as we are and so they need to act it out, sometimes with others. Given the images and ideas that young children are inevitably exposed to in our society, it seems almost inevitable that boys in particular (at whom a lot of the violent images are aimed) will want to play with guns. Play doesn't trivialise gun use. It allows children to work through their relationship to guns and our culture.

Its also worth rememembering that most young children don't really understand what death means. When they pretend to kill someone, they really don't have an adult understanding of what that means. They don't really understand the finality, or the significance, of the act.

Games involving guns also tend to be quite fun. They are not usually about malice, they are about running around and shouting and essentially being little kids. They probably have more in common with tag or "it" than anything else.

At the same time, I do accept that some people find even pretend guns, swords, etc quite threatening and I think it is fine not to allow children to play with them in public places, say. My children, as yet, have shown no interest in guns (ds, the eldest, is 5, and horribly overprotected ) but if this interest does surface then I will be requiring him to respect other people's feelings about carrying pretend weapons about. I have worked with victims of torture (those asylum seekers we are so keen to send "back where they came from", because my god they must not be allowed to jump the queue for a 19th floor view of Harlesden ) . Toy guns are really no joke for some people, for much better reasons than that they find them a bit distateful.

But really, if we are just talking about little kids running around the playground and saying "bang bang you're dead", there are much , much more urgent issues around children and gun use. Child soldiers, for example

AbbeyA · 27/09/2008 17:53

I think we are in danger of emasculating boys and making normal behaviour seem undesirable. I agree with BecauseImWorthIt, way back on this thread, you can't wrap your DS in cotton wool, it is your job to teach him about the world and to be able to tell right from wrong.
I am very concerned about my DSs welfare which is why I was quite happy to have them 'fighting the naughty old villains' as DS1 used to call it!

soon2be3 · 27/09/2008 18:14

You are being very reasonable to specify "no violent toys please" on party invites.

I would say that because I have written exactly those words on the back of my invites.

It was respected by all.

NotCod · 27/09/2008 18:15

and they all snickered behind your back

NotCod · 27/09/2008 18:15

adn think how pleased your ds is at their whenhe decapitates toy badgers

soon2be3 · 27/09/2008 18:18

I live in a different world and on a different level to some people, thank goodness!

sarah293 · 27/09/2008 18:28

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JuneBugJen · 27/09/2008 18:30

There is a computer game called Riven (sequel to Myst) which DH and I (embarassingly) became addicted to about ?8years ago. Don't have time for that kind of thing anymore though!

kittywise · 27/09/2008 18:32

I nearly always by guns for little boys' birthdays, especially potato guns, they love them.

They are toys

And if you don't buy them they will make them out of leggo, sticks, ANYTHING and EVERYTHING.

Are you going to tell your ds off when he makes guns out of toys and comes up to you with a bent twig saying 'mummy I've got a gun"?

get over it.

sarah293 · 27/09/2008 18:35

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HonoriaGlossop · 27/09/2008 18:38

soon2be3, you can think that if you want, but yes, they ALL snickered behind your back. Either that or rolled their eyes

BTW I think it's FINE if you say that on the invites; your kids, your party, your prerogative; but at least have the self knowledge and awareness to realise that you ARE being precious/poncey and that others will respond as above. The thing is not to care; but you have to be AWARE

Blu · 27/09/2008 18:40

I have avoided any ostensibly realistic and viscious war-parphanalia, and would probably have intended to stay 'gun free' when DS was a toddler.
But I have re-thought the role of play etc, and although DS had a terrifying armoury of pirate and knight swords he never actually hit anyone with them - he fully understood 'no real contact'.

He's now 7 and the other week I bought him a spud gun and let him sit inside the french doors while I ran up and down in front of them outside and he fired bits of potato at me!

Brilliant!

clam · 27/09/2008 18:48

I'd be mildly pissed off that you had even imagined that I might consider giving one.

KerryMum · 27/09/2008 18:55

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StewieGriffinsMom · 27/09/2008 19:01

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Twiglett · 27/09/2008 19:07

ROFL at Blu ... you didn't really did you? What like a very tall duck?

you're mad

am snurking massively

and feeling that deserves its own thread