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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to specify "no violent toys please" on party invite

255 replies

loobeylou · 26/09/2008 21:08

Ds will be 4 soon

he went to a party at the weekend where another boy was whacking everyone with a plastic sword. His parents were not there, so the bad behaviour went unchecked, largely. Tho people told him not to, I guess noone felt they had the right to take it from him/cause a scene.since Ds started nursery he has been coming home shooting his finger at us "You're a nasty person and i'm shooting you dead" etc

this horrifies me, I will not accept that is just how boys are. Nursery are very good, they do not own any violent toys and tell them not to play those sorts of games, but it is hard because there are some boys who will pick up a stick, train or lego brick and pretend it is a gun, and the boys are young and only doing what they do at home (I assume). I think it is so sad.

any way, we really do not want ds to ever have any weapon type toys, Is it BU or OK to put on party invite something like "X would like Y to come to his party. Please do not feel obliged to buy a gift, but if you would like to , please respect our wishes and do not buy anything of a violent nature, thanks"

anyone any experience?

AIBU?

otherwise I dread him getting stuff we really don't like and having to hide it from him/send to charity shop

OP posts:
Overmydeadbody · 26/09/2008 21:34

notanotter, historically it always was. Something people had to practice in order to be good at.

Maybe I'm just naive, but I'm thinking along the lines of fencing, jousting, martial arts that use swords etc

Kind of like archery.

Where does the op stand on archery out of interest?

Ratface · 26/09/2008 21:35

looby, yes they are copying from somewhere. because you and they live in a society. if you want to go and live on a deserted island with no contact with the outside world ever, then you can control what they see, otherwise; nope.
your job is to help them to process the world around them, not edit it for them.

georgimama · 26/09/2008 21:35

sorry loobeylou but you sound unbearably precious and need to get a grip. I've tried to be nice but it's Friday night and I've had wine.

If little children pretending to fight makes you feel ill, please don't watch the news/read newspapers/leave your front door. It's a nasty world out there.

ingles2 · 26/09/2008 21:35

loobey...
little boys have been into cops and robbers, cowboys and indians, pirates since god knows when...
Most don't grow up with any sort of issue with weapons...
you are projecting your own fears and worries, this has nothing to do with your sons game.

Dragonbutter · 26/09/2008 21:37

i'd probably not let my kids come to your party for fear of them being labelled future murderers (especially if you serve breadsticks).

RebelMum72 · 26/09/2008 21:37

This is quite an interesting article on the subject

ingles2 · 26/09/2008 21:38

or carrot sticks
or cucumber batons

WilfSell · 26/09/2008 21:38

the problem though with a lot of our assumptions about innocent little children tainted by others is that they are violent, selfish little creatures (among other things). My baby has learnt to bite me, and he has learnt from other children to hit me. his older brother loves and hates him. at 4 he will gladly push him over when we're not looking; equally he will rush over and hug him when he hurts himself.

Dark feelings are normal; if we deny children these - including or even more importantly for girls - we risk stunting their emotional development.

Violence is a moral wrong - we can only teach our children to be civilised. But one way to do this is to acknowledge their violent feelings and to explore them in safe, play environments.

NotAnOtter · 26/09/2008 21:38

i disagree

not all boys fight

they just dont

WilfSell · 26/09/2008 21:39

BTW piracy ISN'T fictional: ships are attacked all the time and crew violently hurt or murdered for cargo.

PillockOfTheCommunity · 26/09/2008 21:39

my ds1 is now at school. I can only recall one occasion in the 5 years he has now been attending nurseries/pre-school/school where he has pretended to use a weapon at home. I told him it was not something I liked him to do, explained why, and he has never done it again.

I really don't think it is something that boys have to do. If he does it at school that's another matter, but he is respecting my views at home.

Tittybangbang · 26/09/2008 21:40

YABU

If he gets violent toys just put them in the back of the cupboard.

You can give them to him as a special treat later!

My ds had his 5th birthday a few weeks ago. I asked him what sort of party he wanted. He said he wanted a 'violence party'. I didn't oblige.

WilfSell · 26/09/2008 21:40

I didn't say all boys fight. I said all children have violent feelings.

NotAnOtter · 26/09/2008 21:40

i agree pillock

pointydog · 26/09/2008 21:40

I agree - not all boys fight

Overmydeadbody · 26/09/2008 21:41

Accept it as inevitable because it stems from an innate characteristic of males, a characteristic they needed in order to survive.

How boys choose to encorporate guns and play fighting into their play is down to their upbringing. To some it's completely imaginary role play, to others it's more real and aggressive.

Or do you think caveman and cavewoman just drew straws to decide who would stay home and rear the children and pick the berries and who would go out and hunt for meat and defend the cave?

NotAnOtter · 26/09/2008 21:41

'i agree Pillock'

may that be the first and only time i say that!

mrsruffallo · 26/09/2008 21:41

I agree WillSelf

PillockOfTheCommunity · 26/09/2008 21:42

but how they deal with those violent feelings is something that we as parents can shape

NotAnOtter · 26/09/2008 21:42

overmydeadbody - we are not cavemen though...we have 'moved on'

we are however living in a society where violent crime is escalating

WilfSell · 26/09/2008 21:43

absolutely. I do not encourage play fighting or weapons use.

spudballoo · 26/09/2008 21:43

I understand the sentiment...but if I got an invite like that...I'd think it was unbelievably rude and patronising. I wouldn't be able to WAIT to get to the party to see what kind of bonkers parent would actually have the gall to put something like that on an invitation. Probably I'd have to find out if you asked for cash for your wedding presents....

I have boys, 3 and 1. The 3 year old doesn't have any 'violent' toys, but had a lovely afternoon with his 4 year old friend recently 'killing baddies'. He has no concept of what 'killing baddies' is. I slightly shuddered but have accepted this is a normal part of children making sense of the world.

If you MUST then put 'no presents'. perhaps with a lovely poem about 'your presence not your presents'

spudballoo · 26/09/2008 21:43

I understand the sentiment...but if I got an invite like that...I'd think it was unbelievably rude and patronising. I wouldn't be able to WAIT to get to the party to see what kind of bonkers parent would actually have the gall to put something like that on an invitation. Probably I'd have to find out if you asked for cash for your wedding presents....

I have boys, 3 and 1. The 3 year old doesn't have any 'violent' toys, but had a lovely afternoon with his 4 year old friend recently 'killing baddies'. He has no concept of what 'killing baddies' is. I slightly shuddered but have accepted this is a normal part of children making sense of the world.

If you MUST then put 'no presents'. perhaps with a lovely poem about 'your presence not your presents'

mrsruffallo · 26/09/2008 21:44

It's not something boys have to do, and they are not all the same
I do believe that it can be part of imaginative play and the children that partake in these games are no more likely to become violent offenders than those that don't.

I wouldn't buy a violent toy for as boy but I would giggle at someone writing it on the invitation

southeastastra · 26/09/2008 21:44

boys need lots of room to run around in, we're closing playing field and don't provide any spaces for boys to just go wild. sad really not surprising it ends up with violence

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