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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wish that people wouldn't say - I want a boy/I want a girl!

196 replies

LouMacca · 25/09/2008 14:56

Just be happy that you are pregnant!

I was really annoyed to see newly pregnant Jules Oliver saying that Jamie wants a boy.

I can't imagine how infertile couples or women who have lost a baby must feel when they see this kind of comment.

My mum told me how 'devastated' the builder working at their house was when a scan revealed that they were having another boy (they have 3 boys). Devastating!!! I would imagine that not being able to get pregnant or losing a baby is devastating.

OP posts:
TinkerBellesMum · 25/09/2008 15:06

I've lost a little girl at 20 weeks, we both said we would have preferred a girl and I knew she was all along. I'm on pregnancy #2 post loss and we still say what we prefer (rather than want) but we will be happy with a healthy baby.

messageinabottle · 25/09/2008 15:10

yabu
is that OK for me to say that to you?

Original poster
LouMacca · 25/09/2008 15:10

So sorry for your loss TBM. Hope everything goes well for you.

OP posts:
Original poster
LouMacca · 25/09/2008 15:12

Sure messageinabottle but help me understand why you think iabu.

OP posts:
poppy34 · 25/09/2008 15:12

loumacca I do agree that healthy baby is all (had similar experience to tinkerbellemum so share her views on it - I'd love a little boy next time but franky feel so blessed with dd that any future healthy pregnancy would be a dream come true) and agree it is hurtful when see that kind of comment ( I have to sit on my hands when I see threads along the "I'm gutted I'm having a boy /girl etc).

I suppose people don't mean it as for them it does mean a lot to have boy/girl . so YANBU but I think not everyone has that perspective (desperately trying to be balanced but thinking secretly that unhappiness is finding something terminal at your scan not that its got a sodding willy/vagina).

VictorianSqualor · 25/09/2008 15:12

I think being 'devastated' at not having a boy/girl is a bit strange but I think YABU in wishing people wouldn't say they would like a certain gender.

So what if Jamie Oliver wants a father/son relationship as well as a father/daughter one.

poppy34 · 25/09/2008 15:13

yep messageinabottle - I'd be interestd to hear too - not to have a go but genuinely interested as to why

MrsTittleMouse · 25/09/2008 15:14

I suppose that I can understand that people might have a preference, even though we are of the very grateful clan (due to lots of fertility treatment). What I can't understand is making it public. What happens if the child is the "wrong" gender and finds out that they were less wanted?

poppy34 · 25/09/2008 15:14

also think the comment in question re jools oliver was more a wouldnt it be nice rather than I really want - which is prob not a particualrly surprising thing to say given she already has two little girls

messageinabottle · 25/09/2008 15:15

because people are allowed to think what they like!

they can be happy they are pregant, hope for a healthy baby AND say they hope for a boy/girl

not a problem in my mind

Original poster
LouMacca · 25/09/2008 15:15

Sure VS but what happens if Jules doesn't have a boy. How will his daughters feel seeing in print that their daddy wanted a boy.

Why make it so public?

OP posts:
ClairePO · 25/09/2008 15:21

I'm still ttc my first after a mc a year ago but I know deep down I'd love a little girl. There's nothing wrong with that. And I'm sayingthis depsite being a weepy hormonal old cow today.

Yes I roll my eyes at people who start threads saying 'how do I conceive a boy/girl' and think 'just tell me how to conceive at all!' but that's just my bitterness showing. I can understand why they may want one or the other or not care either way at all. It's what they want, think and feel. They're entitled to express that.

LazyLinePainterJane · 25/09/2008 15:23

Of course the cases of those who have lost children or who cannot conceive are terrible. And I agree with you about public declarations of desperation for a specific gender are not good. But one cannot be expected to censor all feelings and reactions on the basis of the experience of others, otherwise abortions would be illegal because others cannot have children and we would not be allowed to talk about buying a house because some people are homeless.

So I see what you are saying, but YABU.

loobeylou · 25/09/2008 15:23

I agree so much - this is one of my biggest hates!! If any readers don't understand this please read all of post to find why.

By and large I am sure most people who say this are the ones who have had no problems TTC, no miscarriages, no other losses. Thats lucky for them but they really ought to give some thought to their good fortune and count their blessings. It reflects the whole attitude that our kids are "accessories".

The only circumstance in which gender should be an issue is if a genetic condition is known to pass only to one sex of baby

I had 2 healthy wonderful girls when my 3rd daughter was stillborn and we have subsequently had a son who is totally wonderful.

BUT the number of people who go on about what gender they want or even worse say stuff to me like "Oh you must be so pleased you had a boy not another girl". PLEASE MNers, do not EVER say this to anyone unless you are sure you know their history, and that it is what they wanted. People say "bet yr DH is glad its not another girl" - all I can see then is him heartbroken at the birth/death of our DD3 and carrying the coffin at her funeral (I am crying thinking of it now and it is 5 yrs ago)

I am also saddened by the fact that I am sure there are people, even close to us, who think the loss of DD3 was "Lessened" by the fact she was "only another girl" and that we would have felt "worse" if it had been our first boy!!

TOTAL RUBBISH!

A healthy baby is the only outcome that matters. That the builder says he is devastated is horrendous, how will he feel if something awful happened.......relieved?? No, then he would know the real meaning of devastated

WorzselMummage · 25/09/2008 15:28

I am currently 14 weeks pregnant after 3 years ttc and 3 miscarriages so we know how it is to desperatly want a baby. I could never be devastated about a babys gender.

Df would prefer a boy, if i could choose i'd have another girl but you cant choose and you get what you are given and we will love it and appreciate whatever it is. I dont have any problem with people saying they would prefer either because it's not a choice you can make is it and everyone knows it, you get what your given.

It does anger me a little when people say they are 'devastated' but to have a preference is just human nature.

TheUNITUBER · 25/09/2008 15:32

I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

I am someone who is trying, but failing miserably, to have another child and yes, while I personally would not care one jot what sex that child is, I can well understand that if (like the Olivers) you have 2 children of one sex already you might think a baby of the other sex will complete your family nicely.

On the other hand those people who post "just found out I am having a boy/girl and I am upset" type threads are clearly bats.

Tamarto · 25/09/2008 15:32

I wanted a DD when i had DS2 i wanted a DD in my third pregnancy too and got one. People knew i wanted a girl, they also knew that as long as everything went ok i would be delighted either way.

YABU to expect people to not say what they want, and presuming because they want one they wouldn't be happy with the other.

YANBU to excpect people not to say they'll be devistated if they have a/another boy or girl.

AMumInScotland · 25/09/2008 15:33

I don't see anything wrong in saying "I'd like X"

I see a lot wrong in saying "I'll be devastated if I don't get X"

Yes a healthy baby is a gift - so is a Christmas present. You are allowed to say beforehand what you'd prefer to have, but not to express disappointment at what you get.

pagwatch · 25/09/2008 15:38

I personally am not bothered by people saying they would prefer a particular sex.
the one that pisses me off is when other people assume a) that you have a preference and then b) tell you what it is

After two boy I was very happy to be pregnant with my last DC and 'if' I had a preference it would probably have been for another boy ( as I knew i could 'do' boys IYSWIM ).
But the number of people who nodded sagely and said 'oh. You want a girl this time'

I found it best to say "ef off you big fat knob"
then "oh gosh - was that rude? I am so sorry , it must be the hormones"

TinkerBellesMum · 25/09/2008 15:41

loobeylou I know exactly what you mean. On my first two pregnancies (I had a MC before my daughter) my other half joked if it was a boy it went back. He has two boys and wanted a balanced family. When I got pregnant with Tink he said he wanted a boy, he's saying it now too - I'm pretty sure it's a girl. I think he almost blames himself for saying that. Carrying a coffin is something a father should never have to do. We asked his BIL to do it because we didn't think it was fair on our brothers but he was late so he took her from the house, not fair on them but he did it himself. They lowered her together. I think he's almost scared of walking his daughter down the aisle 20 years too soon again. It took a long time to admit he was pleased we were having a girl again.

Whilst we do say what we prefer and joke over it, we're holding out for a healthy baby. People think I'm being negative talking about another premature baby, but I'm just hoping to get that far with no problems. I would hate for someone who is devastated by the wrong sex to go through something like this.

TinkerBellesMum · 25/09/2008 15:46

I do have a reason for wanting girls, there is a condition in the males in his family that will mean the baby will have to be transferred to another hospital at birth (and they won't know till birth) or could mean a painful op later if it's not serious. The eldest sons in my family have Aspergers. I don't mind if I get a boy and he has either condition, there's plenty of both in our families that we'd be prepared, but with a girl I will know that she's not going to have either of those which will be easier for her.

VictorianSqualor · 25/09/2008 15:49

My Dad wanted a boy apparently. He got me.
I don't give two hoots, nor did he, once I was born.

I think it's a bit precious saying 'what would the child think' tbh, unless a father says to his daughter, 'I wish you were a boy' i.e. in the present, not before you were here, it shouldn't matter.

mppaw · 25/09/2008 15:50

Totally agree Pagwatch....am 23 wks and keep getting told asked "I bet you want a boy" (Have a DD already)
But will sturggle to tell MIL to eff off

ShowOfHands · 25/09/2008 15:58

It's just human nature to have a preference sometimes. When all you can know about a baby is its gender then it's fair that you might wonder about it and have leanings. I know I did and I struggled to conceive and had a miscarriage. I didn't have get the gender I thought I might prefer and like all parents, once my dc was born they became so much more than a gender anyway. You realise instantly that gender is largely irrelevant.

It's like anything else. You cannot alter your feelings and utterances to suit all eventualities and opinions of others. One MNer must be allowed to say they are pg and extremely upset by it while another is at exactly the same time struggling to fall pregnant at all. It's the way of the world.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 25/09/2008 16:01

A preference is one thing. Perhaps fairly normal although can't say I ever really had one. Being 'devastated' just suggests you haven't had much life experience really.

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