to wish that people wouldn't say - I want a boy/I want a girl!

[LouMacca]

Just be happy that you are pregnant!

I was really annoyed to see newly pregnant Jules Oliver saying that Jamie wants a boy.

I can't imagine how infertile couples or women who have lost a baby must feel when they see this kind of comment.

My mum told me how 'devastated' the builder working at their house was when a scan revealed that they were having another boy (they have 3 boys). Devastating!!! I would imagine that not being able to get pregnant or losing a baby is devastating.

FFS FFS FFS

Blows a big raspberry at Lou who is trying to tell people how they should post

BTW - if you post in AIBU expect to get flamed or shove off.

LouMacca, YABU!
And dare I say, if you have "one of each" then you really don't know what you're talking about because you have no experience of "the missing boy/girl" in your family. Dr Shettles, who put forward a "method" for getting a boy or girl ( which for us didn't work! said that what surprised him was that in many cases the distress shown by parents coming into his office who seemed only able to have children of one gender was equal to the distress shown by people who were unable to conceive at all.

Before I had children, I didn't realise how much I wanted a daughter. In a naive way, I assumed that I would have a daughter as my Mum and her siblings had between them 16 girls and only 4 boys.

When I was pg with ds1 I "felt" that he was a girl and was utterly gobsmacked when he was a boy. I was also very ashamed of my "gender disappointment" and told no-one how I felt. I now have 4 boys and I love them unconditionally and would absolutely not swap any individual one for a daughter, each of my sons is unique and fabulous.

But in the back of my mind is always my missing daughter. It's not just the superficial things, like pink dresses and ballet, a lot of the things I was supposed to do, like "raise my daughter to be a strong, confident woman" are just not going to happen. Yes, I can raise strong confident men but to me, there doesn't seem to be much of a challenge in that, men generally rate themselves very highly anyway! And IME a lot of women, when they become mothers themselves tend to seek help and support from their own mothers, not their MILs so that the paternal granny gets sidelined. I am resigned to being the "second best granny" when my sons have children.

And of course I appreciate that
1/ There are people worse off than me, people who can't conceive a child or have lost a child. Yes, of course those people are worse off than me but it's a bit like saying you shouldn't be annoyed at losing your wallet when someone else is bankrupt. Losing a wallet is still annoying!

2/ Not everyone feels like I do. I do know some people have all one gender and are happy with that. I envy them.

3/ My boys should not know about this! I do rant a bit on MN about it but as far as my boys are concerned I keep schtum and let them think I would love six more boys, rather than a girl! Don't really understand celebs going on about it when their children have a very good chance or hearing or reading about it.

Chipmonkey

What a lovley and HONEST post.

Well I guess that you can't help how you feel. I guess it is just that it smacks of an idealised version of life... you would somehow find a more purposeful existance if you had a girl!

Btw, I have a ds and I totally disagree that they all have a "high estimation" of themselves. My ds hopefully has a good self image, but he is still sensitive and places HUGE pressure on himself to succeed at things. Furthermore, I see it as my job to make him into the sort of man who respects and honours women so that one day when he meets a, hopefully, strong confident woman he is impressed, not scared of her!

Btw, I frequently speak to my MIL about child-raising (rather than my own Mother) because she had a boy (my own mother didn't) and she raised him very well (my dh is pretty lovely).

So, whilst I do not disagree that those feelings are clearly there for you chip, I wonder what sort of expectations they stem from?

I know someone who had twins - she did'nt want twins and is quite open about it but she obviously loves them dearly and would'nt be without them. I hate all this PC bullshit, lets live in the real world not a fake prentend world where people lie all the time in case they might hurt someones feelings!

My issue, blooming, is not so much with why people feel a certain way, but with why they think the things they do in the first place.

This "PC bullshit" is not only about being critical about someone SAYING that they don't want a girl or a boy. It is about what drives that feeling and what it says about our culture. I agree with much of what Szyslak said about our values and consumerism. Worse than being PC is pretending that everything is totally fine with every aspect of the so-called "real-world".

BB

Dunno. I think people feel how that feel and have a right to be honest about it without being told they should be grateful that they are having a baby in the first place - seems harsh. BTW, I have 2 girls and I don't care what sex this one is BUT I do not disregard other peoples true feelings. Feeling what you feel is part of life.

TBH Op is mad to be annoyed about something which has nought to do with her. I have other things to worry about than whether a person wants a boy or girl - good luck to them.

hope you dont mind me having a little say?

i have 2 DS and im 9 weeks preg with DC3 and everyine keep saying to me "have you tried so you can have a girl"

FFS NO we wany a baby and will love it as much as we can no matter what the sex!

i had 2 miscarriages and just to have a baby is a blessing!!!

Yes, but because someone has a feeling, and feels it strongly, it doesn't make it right!

I see what you mean about live and let live, but I unfortunately how we feel about things and the words we choose to communicate things do impact those around us. Not saying it is the same but a good example is the

"I'm not saying I'm a racist, but..." type sentiments.

I have no doubt that people who think and feel all sorts of things genuinely feel them. But that does not mean that we have to accept their "truth" and not challenge it, even if the subject is emotionally charged.

I really think it is silly to take a preference for a gender to the point of being "devastated" about one or the other. When people express themselves in that way I honestly think they are truly silly individuals. Now, maybe it is me who is not being PC to say so, but that is the truth of how I feel about it because it is irrational, but worse than that, it is the antithesis of what I think parenting is all about.

I was going to post but Chipmonkey has said what I was going to so eloquently that I dont need to .

I am an obsessed mum of twin boys born after IVF (my total adoration for them is a running joke among RL friends). But I DO miss the daughter i'll never have. And its nothing to to with frilly pink dresses.

x

bb

still don't see whats wrong with having a prefrence.

I don't see a problem with having a preference. I have fertility problems and though I'd be delighted with either, I stil have a preference.

My issue with expressing a strong preference is not abuot hurting others feelings, it's more a concern that we view children as ojects of which only certain genders can then fulfill our idealised versions of our lives.

I think the fact that a doctor who advises on gender selection says that poeples distress is equal to those who can have no children is very sad and worrying. The feeling that 'if only I had....(car, kitchen, house, holiday, boy, girl whatever)...my life would be more complete' is not a good way to persue happines.

I think sometimes we need to challenge the way we think, rather than jusy say 'whatever I think and feel is justified. because I genuinely think and feel it.'

Many poele genuinely think their life will be better if they are thinner. many poeple think they would be happier if only they had a bit more money, and then a bit more money, many young girls unfortunatly genuinely feel they will only be happy if they can marry a footballer and be a celeb.

These ways of thinking are insidious and unhelpful and need to be challneged, but I think are particuraly distastful and sad when applied to children.

Chipmonkies post make me sad, as she feels that without mothering a daughter her life is incomplete. I think a helathier, happier way to think would be to have an acceptance that life has not given her that ,but has given her 4 wonderful sons, who are more than their geneders, four unique people for her to mother.

It is her way of thinking rather than what life has given her that will make her unhappy.

And you can challenge the way you think, you should question the way you think, often that will change the way you think and that will change how you feel. Often making you happier.

Those posts which say 'I have 3 daughters and wanted a forth, we got a DS and love him' do make me a bit sad, to think that you child you have, however much you love them once they are here, is not really the child you wanted or would have preferrd or chosen, had that been an option, just causes me a little pang.

I personally could not bear to have had that thought about either of my children. They were the children I was given, the children I always wanted (but didn't know it) and I cannot believe I have been given something so wonderful.

Oh good heavens! Mothers are made to feel guilty enough over their parenting choices, having a preference isn't something anyone should feel bad about imho.

I'm 7 months pregnant as was genuinly upset when I found out i was having a boy this time as opposed to a girl
Dd was a really "good" baby, and fairly "easy" toddler plus she was desperate for a sister.
Despite dd being fairly easy tho, i still got PND- badly- and was terrified that as boys can be harder (I've heard..from everyone i know that has a boy) i'd definatly get it again.
Totaly irraritional i know but there it is. Thrilled i'm having a boy now btw, thrilled i will have one of each, even if i am still a tad nervous
I really don't think anyone should be judged for having a preferance at first, sometimes they are really deep seated feelings that no one can explain. I can completly understand the likes of jools oliver with 2 girls who would like a boy, and vice versa as well.
I probably wouldn't express any preference i had to anyone i knew who was having problems getting pregnant or had experianced miscarriage tho.

My mum found a load of condolence cards which people had sent to her parents after her birth, when she cleared out my late grandfather's house. He'd obviously wanted a boy. It really upset her that he'd kept them all these years.

It's one thing to have a personal preference (I think a lot of people do, if they're honest), but to so obviously state that preference to all and sundry to the extent that you are commiserated on the birth of your child of the opposite gender is, imo, cruel.

loumacca - so you were agreeing it is different to say you'd be devastated but it still annoys you if people say deep down we'd like a boy/girl?

Szy

Instead of physco analysing - live and let live. Your post was almost sickening.

I have had 3 boys, (twin boys, one stillborn, and a single boy) and have a 4th (boy) due any day now.

I have NO problem with people expressing what they want. My only problem is with people projecting what they want on to me. "You must be disappointed" etc etc.

I'm personally tired of people making the assumption that we tried for another baby in order to have a girl. We didn't. We just wanted another baby.

I used to know lots of mums of twin babies who if I'm honest I used to avoid, because I was so hurt by them constantly telling me "what a nightmare" life with twins was, when I would've given anything to have both my babies. A few years down the line I'd like to think that it wouldn't bother me so much and I could see it as just their experience (although I can't see myself ever making a similar remark).

So yes I can understand how hurtful remarks can sometimes be.

The good thing about mumsnet though is that you learn things. I remember someone some time ago objecting to the "as long as its healthy" remarks you get, and sitting down and thinking - you know what, never thought about that before - but now I see what you mean. My surviving twin was "meant" to be severely brain damaged (he wasn't), and right at the end of the pregnancy I remember praying for him to live no matter if he was brain damaged or not, so I can certainly relate to that. But I guess I'm saying we can all come out with these things and not really see the significance of what we're saying to someone else.

bfu 'live and let live. Your post was almost sickening.' I hope you see the irony there!

Of course live and let live, I am not suggesting legislation, just expressing my opinion on this topic, as you have.

I tend to think deeply considering the way we live our lives, and why we feel and think as we do and whether that is a good thing or a bad thing for us, and society, is a good way to live.

If you prefer not to do that and to say 'that's how I feel' withut wanting to consider why, or if that's good for you, then of course you can.

But with your 'live andlet live' mentality I'm sure you accept that I may not do that (or maybe from your post I'm not so sure you actually beieve in live and let live as much as you think you are)

yawn

are you this boring in rl?

are you this nasty and snidey in RL?

I have just expressed by views on the toic, not called anyone names, but you have called me sickening and boring.

And actually I'm scintillating in Rl, thanks very much.

Strangely enough, I really object when people say they want a boy. I tend to think it means they are a bit sexist. Particularly if they already have only boys. But I don't mind at all if someone says they want a girl.

I justify my own sexism by seeing it as redressing the balance of thousands of years of inequality.

Tbh the only person I knew who expressed a wish for a boy was someone who I didn't especially like. She refused to breastfeed on the grounds that it was unhygienic ...