to wish that people wouldn't say - I want a boy/I want a girl!

[LouMacca]

Just be happy that you are pregnant!

I was really annoyed to see newly pregnant Jules Oliver saying that Jamie wants a boy.

I can't imagine how infertile couples or women who have lost a baby must feel when they see this kind of comment.

My mum told me how 'devastated' the builder working at their house was when a scan revealed that they were having another boy (they have 3 boys). Devastating!!! I would imagine that not being able to get pregnant or losing a baby is devastating.

your mother is mentally deranged and would attack yr DD - easy solution, don't let her come near! Sounds scarey!

nobody is getting into HOW THE UNWANTED GENDER KIDS FEEL . Most of us i am sure would love our child no matter what gender, but some parents DO NOT HIDE THEIR DISAPPOINTMENT FROM THE CHILD -It can't do your feelings of worth much good to be always told "well of course we love you but we always wanted a boy" esp if you are the younger of a long line of girls then mummy has a boy and the whole world celebrates this wonderful fact.

And I'm still saying, by all means say what you would prefer yourself but what PISSES ME OFF is everyone telling ME what they THINK I prefer when all I want is a live and healthy baby. "3rd time lucky" and all that really hurts when your 3rd baby died - its not about being offended, its just not appropriate

like this scenario, for example, dh doing shopping with the kids cos i was ill. till girl says jokily "giving the wife the morning off are you?" but what if he was recently widowed or i had just run off with his best mate or something?

you're right Loobey
far better to avoid any kind of social interaction whatsoever on any basis in any sceanrio because God Forbid you might say the wrong thing.

You might want to have another crack at your stunning insight into Laweaslemys problem.
If you try really hard you may be able to fashion a more trite response. I am not sure it is possible but unless you try you never know

Laweaslemys
That must be very difficult for you.

not an easy situation at all! She lives 3 miles away, how am I supposed to avoid her?? Is also very complicated because she wouldn't do it straight away but only when girl older and starting to become independent - have own ideas etc. So would be a lot of social pressure to give granny a chance while DC is younger. This is what I'm talking about - you have no idea why people have a preference and how complicated their reality is.

Thanks Pagwatch - have lots of people helping me (which is a relief, couldn't do it on my own) and still unashamedly hoping for a boy!

Laweaselmys
Glad you are getting support.And boys are fab

TBH
I always found it hard when i was pregnant with DD.
DS2 has huge disabilities and people would say 'oh - are you hoping this one will be fine'which implies I should be praying for a child anything BUT similar to my lovely DS2.

But people are just trying to engage and be supportive.

The fear of saying the wrong thing is a damned curse. I see people when I am out with DS2 and they are curious but will not engage half the time because they are terrified of saying the wrong thing.It isolates DS2 and it isolates his brother and sister.

People should be careful what they say of course but being so determined to be offended and forgetting just to be grateful that people are trying to connect is damaging IMO

we re allowed a preference.

i didn;t want two girls (twins)

feckin nighmare.

still glad i didn't

i was allowed that preference.

theres always someone less fortunate than you in any circumstance

its a very catholic guilt way of looking at things to say " oh the poor infertile"

YABU

It is perfectly acceptable to have a preference for a specific gender (while at the same being grateful to have a baby).

Raising a boy is a different experience to raising a girl (in many aspects) and its ok for parents to want to chance to experience both.

Whats wrong with the Oliver's wanting the experience of raising a boy when they've already got 2 girls?

And whats wrong with the Beckhams wanting a girl after 3 boys?

loumacca - you'd really be annoyed if someone said to you we don't really mind what we have but deepdown we'd like a girl? i think that's completely different to saying we'd be devastated if we had a boy.

custardo - why would 2 girls be such a nightmare? Not judging btw, just interested as the mum of twins myself.

anamaria22 - nothing wrong with it. As I said earlier I can sort of understand it if you have 2/3 of the same gender. I just don't get why they feel the need to be so public to the press about it. The Oliver's have a 50% chance of having another girl - how will she feel when she reads that her daddy wanted a boy.

I personally don't have a problem with a preference, but I think it is melodramtic in the extreme to use terms such as devastated upon the birth of a perfectly healthy child simply because it has the wrong sex.

As I already said - you hedge your bets if you get pregnant - your chances of conceiving a boy or a girl are roughly 50:50. In fact if you already have 2 or 3 dc's of one gender the chances of conceiving the other the next time are even less than that!

Have a baby because you want to give a child (whatever the gender) a happy, supported beginning to THEIR life - not because you have idealised romantic notion of the type of personal relationship that YOU might have with one gender or the other, fgs!

nappyaddict - your right, of course that is completely different.

melodramatic

Actually Loumacca, the Oliver's have quite a bit more than a 50% chance of having another girl given that they already have 2.

Really BB? I didn't know that. Thought it was just a 50.50 with any pregnancy.

I have 3 boys and by far the hardest part of my last pregnancy was (almost) everyone asking me if I was hoping for a girl. I felt a failure when my lovely third son was born, and people still regularly make me feel that way even though I adore him. There is a constant undercurrent of "are you going to try for any more", "did you know what you were having", and then just plain straight to the point (most recently from my lovely, gentle 80something aunt) "tell me honestly dear, were you disappointed to have had 3 of the same".

I can recall making just the same stupid remarks years back to relatives/friends with same sex children, so think its something that can only be understood if you have experienced it. I remember with affection and gratitude all the people who smiled and said "3 boys, how lovely", whether they meant it or not.

loumacca - what is different to you about saying we would prefer a boy/girl and deepdown we'd like a boy/girl? to me they are much the same.

na - I agreed that is was completely different to say you would be 'devastated' to have another boy. Your little is gorgeous btw. Couldn't resist a nosey.

ahh yes lou
But listen to people talking and they throw excessive terms about all the time. I think those involved are just more alert to it here.

I had a woman say to me that she was "traumatised" and "left totally bereft" when her DD left home to go to uni.

I did challenge her on it by asking what she really meant ( as DS2 will never leave home which was quite upsetting to get our heads around). She meant she was missing her.

People are dramaholics

for what its worth,contrary to popular belief, the chances of conceiving boy/girl in any pregnancy is 50:50, regardless of whether you have 3 of one already, this is often used as a trick Q in SATS & GCSE exams! (it is the same as throwing a coin, throw 4 heads in a row what will you get next. some will say definitely a tail this time, others its bound to be a head again - but the odds are still 50:50)

Though it is also true that some mens girl/boy sperms are less healthy, and the pH of some womens cervial mucus favours one or the other.

So, so true pagwatch...

Actually loobey, statistics tell a slightly different story:

Odds of Having a Girl

The odds of having a girl decrease after having each boy, but only very slightly. Even after 3 boys, you are only 6.4% more likely to have a 4th boy than a girl.

Previous Children__% Girl Births
None __49% Girls
1 Boy __50% Girls
2 Boys__47.7% Girls
3 Boys ___43.6% Girls

Odds of Having a Boy
The odds of having a boy seem to increase after having girls, except after 2 girls, when a 3rd girl is more likely.

Previous Children__% Boy Births
None __51% Boys
1 Girl __54.5% Boys
2 Girls__46.0% Boys
3 Girls___52.7% Boys

The odds remain close to 50:50, but they are not EXACTLY 50:50

Thanks BBF. I have always wanted to know the real odds having been told anything from 50-85% after two girls. WE had a boy 3rd time so beat the odds - just!

That's really weird bbf

So after having one boy you are actually more likely to have a girl than if you had no children?

Not arguing, just fascinated.

You can't help how you feel. I have two fabulous DDs who I love more than anything in the world, but I can't help the fact that this time I would like a boy. I wish I didn't care, it would be much easier, but I do. I'd love to know what it's like to bring up a little boy as well as my girls. So I'll be finding out the sex at the 20 week scan so if it is a third girl I can adjust to any disappointment and it's ridiculous for me to pretend that I won't be dissapointed as I really will, but I also know that I'll get over it and would love a 3rd DD as much as I love my current girls. If this is a third girl though I know I'll always have a slightly wistful ache for the boy I won't have (not planning on more than 3 children). I can't help it. I'm grateful I've never had any problems concieving, that I have wonderful girls etc etc but you can't pretend you don't feel something you do.

I agree about broadcasting it though. DH and I both want a boy but in RL we would never say that to anyone as I couldn't bear to have another girl and for other people to know or comment on the fact I hadn't 'wanted' her. It would be too awful, as of course I would want her IYSWIM. I also HATE it when peoiple say to me 'oh, you must be hoping for a boy this time then?'. YES, I am - but it's none of their business.

I don't think YABU, I really dislike poeple expressing a strong choice for a particular gender too.

To me it just feels like totally the wrong way to view a child or baby, and has a taint of consumerism and 'lifestyle choice', as if a certain geneder will give you the life you want and imagine.

I actaully think this is an unhealthy way to view children and think it's much more positive to just want a child, a child who will be of unknown gender, unknown personality bring thier own unique joys and difficulties, but will be a person that whatever they bring whoever they are you will love and do your best for.

And to say , yeah that's true, but I'd still prefer a girl/boy is really missing the point.

I think it's unhelathy because I think it makes us buy into the idea that our life would be 'better' or 'how we wanted' if we had a girl to shop with or a boy to take to the football, but in reality the root and truth of happiness is just to be happy and at peace with what life brings you.

and again, to say, yeah that's true, but I'd still prefer a girl/boy, is again, missing the point.

Of course I myself am not immune to the western planning of my 'ideal lifestyle' that we all indulge in in every aspect of out lives, and which seems to extend to our children, and will occasionally lapse into a day dream about stripey woolly tights ( I have 2 boys) but I very quickly give myself a good metaphoriacl shake and remind myself about what I actually believ is important in life.

Many poele seem to say, I wanted a girl/boy but when I got the opposite I loved them totally.

That does make me a bit sad tbh, I would hate to have ever have felt, or worse said, that what I really wanted was something other than my DS's.

My DS's are all I've ever wanted, and I'm so glad that I don't have the knoweldge of having actually wanted something/someone different, even if they would never have known that.