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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wish that people wouldn't say - I want a boy/I want a girl!

196 replies

LouMacca · 25/09/2008 14:56

Just be happy that you are pregnant!

I was really annoyed to see newly pregnant Jules Oliver saying that Jamie wants a boy.

I can't imagine how infertile couples or women who have lost a baby must feel when they see this kind of comment.

My mum told me how 'devastated' the builder working at their house was when a scan revealed that they were having another boy (they have 3 boys). Devastating!!! I would imagine that not being able to get pregnant or losing a baby is devastating.

OP posts:
Bluebutterfly · 25/09/2008 22:12

Honesty may not always be the most tactful policy though bloomin...

Original poster
LouMacca · 25/09/2008 22:16

Yeah, too honest. Its common knowledge that the Olivers had fertility treatment. I would have thought that this might have made them more sensitive to other peoples feelings. Just be thankful that you are pregnant!!

OP posts:
bloomingfedup · 25/09/2008 22:19

ffs lou I have had 2 ectopics. i am very happy to be preggies but I don't care if Jools or whoever says they want a boy, girl or dog. Stop being so judgemental!

bloomingfedup · 25/09/2008 22:22

blue

Tact - whats that? Look it is so easy to upset people, for example I was upset when I saw pregnant ladies, new babiesetc after my losses,Should I expect pregnant ladies or mums with newborns to stay in doors s it might have upset me.

Bluebutterfly · 25/09/2008 22:23

I am pg with no 2 and whilst I would like a girl this time I would not be "devastated" if I had a boy. Amazingly, I would still be happy. But it took me a very long time to get pg this time and I am grateful that I was blessed with a pregnancy.

Personally I think that a person would have to be stupid to get pregnant at all if they only want one gender! I mean your odds are not that good of getting the one you want and if you don't you are "lumbered" with the wrong gender FOREVER (well until you die anyway).

Now THAT was judgemental .

Original poster
LouMacca · 25/09/2008 22:27

bloomingfedup - I am allowed my opinion, that is what Mumsnet is about. No need to be so rude.

Am sorry to hear about your ectopics, good luck to you.

OP posts:
bloomingfedup · 25/09/2008 22:30

Lou - get over yourself. You asked the question and don't like the responses.

everlong · 26/09/2008 00:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nappyaddict · 26/09/2008 01:07

macca - does it annoy you if people say we'd be happy with either but would prefer a boy/girl?

AlexanderPandasmum · 26/09/2008 01:22

My first baby was stillborn due to sudden preeclampsia and was a boy. When I was expecting my second, I was at high risk of developing the same condition and was worried sick. My friends and work colleagues knew this, but still would constantly ask me which I would prefer, and seemed almost disappointed when I said that I honestly didn't mind so long as the baby arrived safe and alive. You would have to be a little dense to not understand why I felt the way I did. And yes I do admit to feeling annoyance when people use words like 'devastated' to describe how they feel when their child has just been born healthy and well, fgs . I have said so before on a different thread. I can understand that people might have a preference for one or the other, but true devastation is going to the scan and hearing the words, "I'm sorry..." and having to give birth to your baby knowing that you'll never see them grow up or even take a breath. Every baby that arrives safe and well should be celebrated surely?

bloomingfedup · 26/09/2008 08:33

Alexander,

That is very sad. Totally understandable why you felt/feel the way you do.

AMumInScotland · 26/09/2008 09:19

Macca - of course you're entitled to your opinion. But if you post in AIBU you can expect to get an honest range of answers about other people's opinions, which they are equally entitled to.

Of course we all feel sympathy towards those who have had problems conceiving, or have lost a pregnancy or child, or those for whom the "wrong" gender would mean a high risk of problems.

And we all recognise that going through life knowing that your parents wished you were different must be terrible, and that public statements (even within family and friends) that you are "devastated" are going to cause a lot of heartache.

But the fact remains that a lot of expectant parents do have a slight preference over gender, all else being equal, and as a far lower priority than a healthy surviving child. And there's a limit to how much everyone ought to edit every statement they make in order to be "sensitive" to other people's feelings.

So I still think YABU.

Original poster
LouMacca · 26/09/2008 09:44

Of course I expected lots of opinions on this. Of course I have no problems with the responses when put eloquently as most people have and it has given me food for thought. No need for the ffs and angry face tho. I just wish people would be more sensitive on this subject.

nappyaddict - honestly if one of my pregnant friends told me that they would prefer a boy or a girl I would be gobsmacked.

I am surprised that the general response is that some expectant parents do have a preference. If you already have 2 boys or 2 girls I guess I could sort of understand but for a firstborn it amazes me. I have held my hands up to having a boy and a girl so I suppose I haven't had to put myself in those shoes.

So sorry for your loss Alexander, my heart goes out to you.

OP posts:
TreeHuggerMum1 · 26/09/2008 09:56

I think its cruel personally, my sis in law had four years of trying followed by two courses of IVF to have my nephew now 6 months old. Shes also just started another couse of IVF and we just pray to God that it works and couldn't care in the slightest what she has...
I feel guilty to currently be pregnant with my second child since they started trying and I absolutely swear hand on heart I am just thrilled to be preggers and have absolutely no preference.

TreeHuggerMum1 · 26/09/2008 10:00

However, I do agree with the argument if you already had a brood of boys or girls that it would be nice to have one of the other as a friend had 3 girls and then really hoped for a boy with her 4th pregnancy. Think thats a little different.

MrsMattie · 26/09/2008 10:00

I can understand why people express a preference, although I've never cared either way. We all know, though, that you gets what your given in the baby making game - I think the vast majority of people aren't actually disappointed when they get the opposite - most people fall in love with their babies regardless and are very grateful just to have a healthy child.

No offence, but we can't all go round treading on eggshells in case someone is having IVF or whatever.

noonki · 26/09/2008 10:01

be gobsmacked by me, I personally would prefer our next child to be a girl,

we have three gorgeous boys and I know I am really lucky. But would like the opportunity to experience the mother daughter.

as it stands I probably won't be able to have any more children

but if we do have one more I would be ecstatic whatever sex it was, but would prefer a girl.

Most of my friends that have two plus boys would also like a girl, interestingly few of my femal friends with two girls are as bothered about having a boy.

weepootle · 26/09/2008 10:06

I haven't read whole thread, but I really don't see why you think people shouldn't have a preference. I have a perfect dd, my ds died shortly after birth and I'm now pregnant again. I really hoped this one would be a girl and it is. I don't know why, just my gut feeling was that I would really like another girl... why is that so bad?

loler · 26/09/2008 10:33

I was upset (had mild PND) after ds1 was born, I'm one of 4 girls and felt that dd would miss out on the sister relationship. I was very hormonal and didn't even think about the fab relationship she could have with her brother.

I particularly upset when FIL kept going on about ds1 continuing the family line and how pleased I must be.

Having children is about the future and everyone feels differently about it. Some people like travelling abroad, I like going to Tenby as I know it and it's safe. With ds1 I felt like I was put on a plane to somewhere I didn't know. Although I must have liked it there after a while as DS2 was a fab suprise.

Hope everyone ttc gets the DC they want. After a baby grows a personality it doesn't really matter if it wears pink or blue (ds1 much prefers pink ).

shoedweller · 26/09/2008 10:40

I have a friend who lost her dd2 in labour this year. It has obviously been very hard for her. She now says she just wants a healthy one obviously and doesn't really care what gender. However she also said she'd rather have a boy so she didn't have to imagine her what dd2 would have been like at every stage of life or feel that she had been replaced.

I think it's fair enough to say you just want a healthy child and really mean it but everyone's entitled to an opinion including what gender baby they'd prefer.

Original poster
LouMacca · 26/09/2008 10:54

loler - your post is lovely. It has really made me smile

shoedweller - so sorry about your friend. How devastating for her and her family. Of course everyone wants a healthy child foremost.

OP posts:
pagwatch · 26/09/2008 11:11

umm
tbh it is possible to be upset about many things and equally possible to offend almost anyone with any sentiment.

I have friends who have had much loved babies born with disability and/or illness who find the sentence 'as long as the baby is healthy' quite upsetting. Because for them the implication is that a child who is born with an illness or disability is a tragedy - the very worst thing that can happen to a parent. For them that is insulting to their child.That phrase has been used on here several times by people who are so upset at their perception of other people insensitivity.
It is a moveable feast.

I find it difficult not to shudder when people post or say " gosh my little DC is just a chatterbox and will not give me a moments peace" because my DS has severe speech problems.

I think when you respond to what others say you have something of a responsibilty to reflect on the fact that their life experience is not the same as yours and to accept that their intent is not to upset.
For me - being cross with people who genuinely do not mean any harm is something of a waste of energy.

But TBH I hate people who bastardize language like that. People use devastated when their football team loose for goodness sake. People are just a bit dim sometimes

laweaselmys · 26/09/2008 11:24

I don't see why it's a big deal if somebody has a preference for one sex or the other - and is genuinely upset when it turns out to be the other case. In some families there are genuine medical reasons for preferring one sex over the other - in my family I am very worried about potentially having a girl because my mother is a bit deranged and will with almost certainty physically/mentally attack a girl when they are older, whereas a boy would be safe. Which means if I have a girl my life will be very complicated trying to balance out all sorts of things and keep Jr safe.

Until you know WHY they are devastated you have no right to judge the fact that they said it at all.

HeinzSight · 26/09/2008 11:42

I totally agree that it is wrong for others to assume you would like a boy after 2 girls for eg, or vice versa, they don't know your history and it can in some cases be pretty insensitive.

You could also argue that it is insensitive that some posters here say all that's important is a healthy baby, there are a few Mums on here who would disagree with that, because they utterly adore their children with Downs. Just playing devil's advocate here.

Personally, when I found out that DS2 was a boy at my 20 week scan, I was really sad, I cried in fact. My story is this, I lost my Nan (more like my Mum, lived with her) when I was 3 months pregnant with DS2. She was adamant I would have a girl, I was beside myself with grief and felt that this baby HAD to be a girl, when I discovered I was having a boy, I was upset. But within 10 minutes or so I realised that it would be great having two boys.

Luxmum · 26/09/2008 11:51

Gosh, alot of people seem to be taking light hearted comments too seriously, and seeing slights where they are genuinely not ment to be taken. I have two amazing, cmart wonderful boys, but yes, I really really want a girl. I will be doing all the mad cap methods of eating odd foods and timing my cycle, just to increase the odds of having a girl. I just want a girl to have that different relationship, to buy the cute clothes for and talk to, one that I couldnt have with a son, despite how eonderful they are in themselves. It is just being honest saying that, and I do not want people to take offense. There is no offense meant to be taken, whatever your history may be.

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