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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wish that people wouldn't say - I want a boy/I want a girl!

196 replies

LouMacca · 25/09/2008 14:56

Just be happy that you are pregnant!

I was really annoyed to see newly pregnant Jules Oliver saying that Jamie wants a boy.

I can't imagine how infertile couples or women who have lost a baby must feel when they see this kind of comment.

My mum told me how 'devastated' the builder working at their house was when a scan revealed that they were having another boy (they have 3 boys). Devastating!!! I would imagine that not being able to get pregnant or losing a baby is devastating.

OP posts:
bloomingfedup · 26/09/2008 22:59

Before i go - whats with the ffs and - thought you were holy than thou?

bloomingfedup · 26/09/2008 22:59

Bog off XX

Original poster
LouMacca · 26/09/2008 23:00

as I said I was replying in your language - revisit your posts on the thread.

OP posts:
bloomingfedup · 26/09/2008 23:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

sunshineandshowers · 26/09/2008 23:04

jules oliver MUST read mn because jaimie just said on the jonathon ross show, paraphrased, "although I wouldn't mind having a boy, I just want to make it clear that I'll be happy with whatever the big guy gives me, as long as its healthy."

Original poster
LouMacca · 26/09/2008 23:04

Why do you keep coming back then? You said you were leaving the thread over 5 mins ago [smile}

OP posts:
bloomingfedup · 26/09/2008 23:05

can't stay away from you and the sense ou make.

Original poster
LouMacca · 26/09/2008 23:06

sorry, can you repeat that?

OP posts:
bloomingfedup · 26/09/2008 23:06

why do you keep answering me?

Original poster
LouMacca · 26/09/2008 23:07

why do you keep answering me?

OP posts:
bloomingfedup · 26/09/2008 23:07

toiletmacca

can you talk more shit - everyone clearly agrees with you.

bloomingfedup · 26/09/2008 23:08

echo

bloomingfedup · 26/09/2008 23:08

I'm bored now............

Original poster
LouMacca · 26/09/2008 23:09

that's original.

sunshineandshowers - really? you could be right!

OP posts:
sunshineandshowers · 26/09/2008 23:17

really did.

chipmonkey · 26/09/2008 23:48

LouMacca, I honestly don't think you could possibly know how it feels, I wouldn't have if I'd had a boy and a girl! As I said, before I had children, even I didn't realise how strong my longing for a daughter was. Almost like I didn't know what I wanted till I didn't get it!
And really, I'm not "devastated" by it, really, more mildly irritated. I was quite upset when I found out ds4 was a boy but he's a gorgeous baby and I love him to bits. I really think I shouldn't have found out the gender because once you have the baby in your arms they stop being a figment of your imagination and start being themselves and you can't help but love them.

In answer to Szyslak, I think my hopes and expectations probably stem from my childhood. I was one of 3 sisters for a long time, my brother arrived much later when I was already 12 so I guess I had a girly childhood, our house was full of dolls, we had a Wendy house in the back garden with an upstairs and we played girly games and had lovely picnics outside in the summer. It was just idyllic and I suppose I imagined something similar for my own children and my boys are........boys! They do like picnics but only as part of an active day out and we have no dolls in the house unless you count naked Action Men!
Also when I was a child, I read loads and loads of books and they were mostly the kinds of books that boys don't like, like Anne of Green Gables and Little Women. Ds1 likes those Alex Rider books, ds2 likes Horrid Henry and Captain Underpants and they are sooooo not my cup of tea! Ds3 and ds4 are too little to read to themselves so I get a bit more of a say but that won't be long in changing. But who knows, if I'd had a daughter she might very well have also hated my choice of books!

Bluebutterfly, I was probably being flippant and generalising too much when I said that about men usually having good self-esteem but I do find that ds1 and ds2, although they both have mild learning difficulties and occasionally have had resulting issues with self-esteem, still underneath it all seem to have an innate confidence in themselves that I didn't have as a child. I like to think it's because I keep telling them how brilliant they are but I have wondered whether it was just part of the male psyche!

kizzie · 27/09/2008 17:52

Oh Chipmonkey. I doooo like you

Bluebutterfly · 27/09/2008 19:29

Fair enough chipmonkey. I also grew up with a sister (but no brother), loved the same books as you (great taste btw ) and played dolls etc (although I also liked to climb trees and go on "adventures" and read Swallows and Amazons etc). And I agree that having had those positive "girly" experiences raising boys is very different. I guess that because I moved around growing up I know that none of my children (whatever gender) are going to be able recreate many aspects of my own childhood, so I put that notion behind me quite a long time ago - ds is living in a totally different culture, going to school in a different language, and living in a totally different environment to the ones that I grew up in. Of course, it would be great to reread my childhood favourite books with a daughter, but it is also fantastic to expand my own knowledge and challenge my preconceptions of childhood through my son's experience, so I don't really long for recreating the past iyswim. It was my past and it was often wonderful, but the future is my children, whatever their sex and I see that as the greatest challenge no matter what gender they are!

I hope that you find happiness in life (whether your much desired daughter enters into it or not). Your sons sound fab btw!

Szyslak · 27/09/2008 21:13

Chipmonkey I understand your reasons for the strong urge and desire for a daughter, and I beleive that the distress for those who strongly feel they want a particular sex is as strong as the Doctor you (or someone else?) mentioned.

But my point is that your desire to recreate your childhood actually stops you being fully happy and content with the wonderful life you do have. If you/we were all able to just look at what we do have and not hanker aftre something we don't we would all be much happier.

I beleive this applies to many situations, but feel more strongly about it when it comes to our children and families.

I know everyone says that 'it's just how I feel', but how we feel is driven by how we think about things, and you can change how you think, and this often changes how you feel, and often resolves ways of thinking, such as 'I can't recreate my own childhood' which can make us happier.

I know this is possible, and that it is often the route to a more contented life.

I'm sorry if you have become the 'example' we have ended up discussing, it's deeply personal and you have been very honest and very eloquent.

You sound like a wonderful mother to your boys and I'm sure you can enjoy them withoiut any regeret.

lottiejenkins · 27/09/2008 21:28

What annoys me is people like Jamie and Jools Oliver saying they want a boy this time..... The Beckhams are as bad about wanting a girl. What the hell are their children going to think if the Olivers get another girl and when the Beckhams have another its a boy? I know of someone who wasnt what their parents expected and they found it hard...... it must be particularly hard if the children read the press reports in the future,,,,,,,,,,,,,

chipmonkey · 27/09/2008 21:55

Szyslak , of course you are right but to me it's a bit like healthy eating. I know doughnuts are bad for me but I really can't help liking them more than apples!.
Princess Diana was "the girl that was supposed to be a boy" wasn't she? She had 2 older sisters and Earl Spencer came later. I think it did impact quite heavily on her life.

Szyslak · 27/09/2008 22:03

You are absolutly right Chipmonkey, the whole principle should also work with food, but I have yet to crack that one!

alicet · 27/09/2008 22:27

Not read whole thread as far too long now

YABU though. I don't think there is anything wrong with admitting a preference for one sex over the other. Just as long as you get over any disappointment (if there is) pretty sharpish when the opposite sex arrives.

I have gorgeous ds1. Dh and I tried manipulating the odds to have a girl second time around. We found out at the 20 week scan we were having a second boy. Actually in the couple of weeks before hand I came round to the idea that a second boy would be relaly lovely but prepared myself for being disappointed. As it turns out I wasn't but I don't think it's bad to admit this as long as you get over it and NEVER EVER let on to your dc that you felt like this. Ds2 is a gorgeous, affectionate and loving little boy and I couldn't replace him with a girl for anything - he is ds2!

Mil bangs on and on and on about how she wishes she had had a girl (she had 2 boys) and I think this is a bit crap though

alicet · 27/09/2008 22:30

By the way ds2 is now nearly 1 and although a part of me is sorry I won't have a daughter (because we won't have any more)that doesn't mean I am sorry I have him iyswim

Oh and your comment about infertile couples... I have friends who must have had about 10 ivf / equivalent attempts and eventually conceived a dd using donor embryos. She freely admitted that a part of her would have been disappointed with a boy.

Of course a healthy child is the most important thing but it is OK to hope for one sex or the other as long as you can grieve for that and move on if you don't get your wish.

chipmonkey · 27/09/2008 22:38

You're right Alicet!
What I forgot to mention was that after my initial shock at ds1 not being a girl came the most overwhelming love I have ever felt in my life. I have been besotted with all my babies but I was shocked at how much I loved ds1 and how gorgeous and clever I thought he was! There's nothing like your first.....