I have just been shouted at by the parent of DS1's latest victim. AIBU to think they'd be better off yelling at the school because I am doing my bloody best and am now scared to go into the playground, which is ridiculous?

[Peachy]

Sorry.

Am not so much angry that he approached- God knows I'd have done the same- but he wouldn't listen and kept saying in a put on voice 'yeah yeah I know he has needs'. The aggression of the dad dd make me shake (still am) and I feel like crying still.

What I was actually trying to say, if he had listened, was that I was very sorry and that he should approach the school in the hope they'd support our constant requests to them to watch him at lunchtime.

Most of all though I am scared that ds1's behaviour makes me feel sick - today he kicked the exact site of the injury on a boy with a recnt leg op. He says the boy ran after him- boy was on crutches. It's all bullshit, it's always bullshit and ds1 is angry at us for not beleiving him.

The school called the Dad in to get his son, so why the f didn't they tell us?
had I been alone i'd have been petrified; I had ds2, 3 and 4 with me.

Am really wishing I could just sign some forms for ds1 to go to a behavioural unit but school will barely acknowledge an issue atm, as they don't want any more 1-1's in the school and his current one already has too many hours. They have to try that before anything else: ed psych dept ahs closed due to staff shortages as well.

Ths was in front of the Mum of poor little ds2's new friend (DS2 has been hurt by kids telling him to top DS1 hurting them so chances are, as before, friend won't be allowed to play with ds2 now. But ds2 can't help his brother.

I think my patience with ds1 is running out. I love him dearly but truth be told he can be a little shit and I hate to think that way.

gawd that sunds lie I think benefits claimants are bad

I dont

what I meant was he might get narked off is the apaprently- not- working parents kid gets him called out of work (which he was)

Dh works nights usually

Hi Peachy, Apologies if I am repeating something, I have just skimmed through the thread.

PLEASE speak to the school about this parent... what he did was entirely inappropriate. yes, justified, but inappropriate. If he had issues with you, then they should have been dealt with in school, with the support of the school SENCO (on your behalf)

I am afraid that this kind of thing does happen all too often, in my last school, I taught a young man with Aspergers who was regularly violent. This lad's mum never came to school, as she was scared of the other parents.

Please dont let this happen... speak to school and make an informal complaint about the behaviour of this man.

I don't think you complaining about the dad would help at all , tbh

Peachy do you think the father is a yobbo or was he just momentarily overcome with 'mother tigress' at his child being hurt on his operated leg?

Only you are capable of making that judgement and honestly I think all those banging on about the father should wait to see what you feel about his reaction (which whilst it cannot be applauded it seems to me that you feel it marginally understandable) .. apologies if I'm wrong

It would be a good idea to contact your local Parent Partnership Service (every authority has one). They are there to advise parents of children with special needs and should be able to come with you to a meeting with the school. I feel for you - the other posters are right, it isn't your fault and the school should be taking action to help your son and protect the other children. The Local Authority should also have behaviour specialists who can advise the school on tactics etc ...

Peachy- how horrible for you, for ds and for the other family.
I don't know the full story but have the school used a nurture group or playground pals to help ds develop the coping strategies needed for playtime?

At the next review meeting can you ask them to use the 10 hours to support him at the prssure points?

I'm sure you have put all of these points to them already.
good luck

Actually I think if I saw you chatting and laughing and I thought you knew that your son had attacked my child when they were recovering from an operation then I might lose my rag, and I am normally very very laid back. I would feel awful afterwards, and I am not saying it was in any way the right thing to do, but sometimes nice people do behave badly too. It sounds like your school is ignoring his emotional issues and think that the extra help should only be used for the intellectual difficulties. We had a similar issue, but the other way around, in that ds got help for his behavioural problems (minor) and not his dyslexia (although the ep thought they were related). Now we have moved schools, he is getting help for his handwriting (great) and the behaviour seems to be seen as just an idiosyncrasy to be managed. We did have some input from a social and communications expert who visited the school to see the children in the beavioural unit and she gave the teacher all sorts of playground strategies, which I think helped the whole class. I'm guessing you don't have one of those in your LA?

If you can't go down school route, can your gp refer him and then use this as evidence to support your needs?

So sorry for you Peachey- my only similar experience left me sobbing in a corner of the school field.
I think the best idea you've been given here is begging the nice mum to threaten the school with legal action.

I really feel for you when you are talking about your other dc- I said to my dh at the weekend 'It's not a 'normal' childhood is it?' as my twins got on with stuff during a prolonged bout of screaming from ds1 - and all we have to contend with is noise and minor aggression usually.

You are doing your very best in a horrid situation. I hope things go better for you.

Could you keep your son at home until a solution can be sorted out.

Ask who there is locally to aid with behaviour. Usually there's either behavioural support or autism outreach, you usually cannot access both. But they can work with the school to put strategies in place. Getting schools to stick to them is another matter.....

Really though he needs support at breaktimes (stating the obvious) and I think you will need to kick up big time. Perhaps try some autism specific boards to see if anyone else has done it. It is something that comes up again and again.

Oh peachy. How horrible. Does ds1 have any sense that what he did was wrong?

Oh peachy. How horrible. Does ds1 have any sense that what he did was wrong?

Sorry I dont know your history so apologies if i am asking something stupid

Have you tried getting any help from your local MP with regard to getting the 1-1, some parents at DS school went this route (their sons 1-1 allocated because of the schooling he had missed due to Cancer was being taken away) He did get an extra couple of terms help.

ds1 is adament it was an accident. he always is

I have no intention in maing a complaint- I mentioned he was a bit aggressive in e-mail but that he was 'probably understandably aggressive'

I feel sad he was taken out of work. Also a little bit that he has work; uness ds1 can get his ass in gear I won't be able to do my teacher training- what after school club will be barmy enough? sadly dh won't be in work next year (retrainig, on medical advice) and the rent ain't gnna get paid on £51 a week carers allowace.

I think the hardest part here is I have nobody to feel really angry with; ds1 has had a telling off and consequences but simply has no empathy. Dad could have handled it better but it was understandable- his ids are lovely. So all there left to get angry with is me.

oh yes- nas- fab idea- thanks jimjams

and the MP is a no go, will happily tell people he doesnt do casework

AM has helped us before with ds3; worth a go

you tried phoning ACE? They really know their stuff and should be sympathetic even if they don't have any new ideas.

Would a very directive social story help, telling ds exactly what to do at playtime? (clutching at straws)

Have you tried phoning ACE? They really know their stuff and should be sympathetic even if they don't have any new ideas.

Would a very directive social story help, telling ds exactly what to do at playtime? (clutching at straws)

Oh peachy, what a horrible situation all round. I feel so sad for you, and for your ds.

Please don't blame yourself though, not even for a second. Your son has issues which are beyond the reasonable control of any parent. There are always going to be people who don't understand this, and unfortunately it seems that the dad's protective instincts towards his son turned into aggression which was unfairly directed at you.

Fingers crossed that something positive comes from all of this and you can force the school into action.

ACE is new to me; thank you

We have had limited success with social stories but worth revisiting I think.

In my e-mail earlier I informed Head I would be there at the drop off; if I am not approached I think I will Get Heavy. I have to.

Keeping home not a good idea- the more I think about it the more I am convinced he will see that as a reward and be encouraged to do it again.

I have kept him off before, but that was because he was attacked (badly- shoe shaped bruises) by 12 of his classmates. We were assured then a statement review wasn't needed: think it might be.

Oh god, how awful, so sorry and frustrated for you

jimjams is right, his statement is totally inadequate for his needs so - I know easier said than done - you need to, somehow, initiate an urgent statement review and if necessary a SENDIST appeal to get the LSA hours up. I can't remember what the process is but IPSEA will tell you, I don't think you have to wait for an annual review. A good statement would have more LSA hours to cover break times, and regular staff training & monitoring so that everyone involved with DS1 knows and understands how to manage these situations and how to teach him to manage them himself. 10 hours is not enough. It's not his fault, it definitely is not your fault, your LEA is failing to meet his needs.

Our DS1 has full-time LSA, we had a lawyer 'cause it went to appeal and she referred to some research in the case statement that breaktime and lunchtime are equally important educationally esp for children with ASD because of the social communication impairment.

What an awful situation to be in, this is why our DS1 will never go to mainstream if I can help it. Take care x

peachy, so sorry about all this. The whole situation is an absolute fucker and I'm sure it's not the first time you've felt at the end of your rope.

I do hope you aren't angry with yourself, but I do get exactly what you mean. Nothing practical to add, other than I particularly feel for you having, in effect, to be shouting anti-ds things at all the bastards who are letting you down, in order to be truly on his side.

Actually, the only thing that I can think of would be more of the same, which is for both the other boy's family and yours to present the local press with the story, as a united front, or threaten to. But you will almost certainly feel that this would draw even more negative attention on your poor ds and the rest of you. Sorry, clutching at straws a bit.

email we sent to head:

We have just collected ds1 from school, and whilst doing so we were approached by a very angry (and somewhat aggressive, perhaps understandably) parent informing us that ds1 had hurt their child today. I am hoping they have now approached you; the dad didn't want to listen and seemed convinced we were going to try to excuse ds1's behaviour when actually we were requesting they approach you, because without school intervention at lunchtimes we are fairly powerless.

Clearly ds1 has been disciplined (no sweets, will be making a 'Sorry' card), but we would ask that in future we are told of similar occurences, so that we can be prepared.

We don't blame the dad for being angry, but equally it left me shaking and I had no idea what had happened- indeed ds1 still denies it.

It may be that the time has come to request additional funding for more 1-1 supervision at lunchtime (ds2 has been in tears several times because of ds1's behaviour, and also I know of at least one incident where ds2 was bruised by another child who then asked him to stop ds1 hurting people at school)- should this be the case we are more than happy to actively support any request made by the school, as we trust your judgement.

We wil be at the school for drop offs, and available today should you wish to discuss.