I have just been shouted at by the parent of DS1's latest victim. AIBU to think they'd be better off yelling at the school because I am doing my bloody best and am now scared to go into the playground, which is ridiculous?

[Peachy]

Sorry.

Am not so much angry that he approached- God knows I'd have done the same- but he wouldn't listen and kept saying in a put on voice 'yeah yeah I know he has needs'. The aggression of the dad dd make me shake (still am) and I feel like crying still.

What I was actually trying to say, if he had listened, was that I was very sorry and that he should approach the school in the hope they'd support our constant requests to them to watch him at lunchtime.

Most of all though I am scared that ds1's behaviour makes me feel sick - today he kicked the exact site of the injury on a boy with a recnt leg op. He says the boy ran after him- boy was on crutches. It's all bullshit, it's always bullshit and ds1 is angry at us for not beleiving him.

The school called the Dad in to get his son, so why the f didn't they tell us?
had I been alone i'd have been petrified; I had ds2, 3 and 4 with me.

Am really wishing I could just sign some forms for ds1 to go to a behavioural unit but school will barely acknowledge an issue atm, as they don't want any more 1-1's in the school and his current one already has too many hours. They have to try that before anything else: ed psych dept ahs closed due to staff shortages as well.

Ths was in front of the Mum of poor little ds2's new friend (DS2 has been hurt by kids telling him to top DS1 hurting them so chances are, as before, friend won't be allowed to play with ds2 now. But ds2 can't help his brother.

I think my patience with ds1 is running out. I love him dearly but truth be told he can be a little shit and I hate to think that way.

[nooka]

Um Peachy, that's a lovely e-mail, but it doesn't really express how you feel does it? I really think you need to be more forceful, otherwise the school will go on not really doing anything. I think you should demand a meeting with the Head, say they MUST tell you if anything like this happens (and ask if there have been previous incidents they have not told you about), say you are worried about the safety of other children, demand supervision at playtime etc. Could you find someone to advocate for you if you find it difficult to be fierce? Maybe an organisation like Cambridge House (I think they do advocacy for parents, could be wrong though) or might be someone from NAS. Sometimes it is about knowing the right trigger words more than anything. If your MP is rubbish (and that sounds like a deriliction of duty to me) then what about the Director of Childrens services at the LA - really anything to raise the profile of your cause.

[onebatmother]

TBh peachy I think you could possibly have gone in much harder.

I think you might need to make them panic, which I imagine is the only thing that will get their arse into gear.

Demands and threats would be my next step.

I would suggest that they were opening themselves up to civil actions from the other child's family, whom I'd have copied in. Then all concerned would know that school has been informed that the other pupils are in danger, but have chosen not to act.

I would be questioning whether they are fulfilling their stat. obl. to adequately protect ds2, given that he is being bullied bcs of his brother's behaviour and they failing to deal with the root cause.

I would point out the fact that they are ignoring you, ds1's own mother, when you state that he is a danger to others, and wonder out loud what impact that fact would have on their reputation, should it become public knowledge.

I might mention the previous petition and say that you will be encouraging other parents at the school to sign another one, and that you yourself will be signing it, and that you will be presenting it to your space-waste MP at a time convenient to your local press photographer.

Bloody hell, what a horrible situation.

[onebatmother]

btw I do hope I've not made you feel crapper. I don't know any more details of your situation than are on this thread and you might have other constraints in mind. If not though, and you see my point, nothng's been lost: you just need to wait for them to give you some shite reply and then go in a bit harder.

[Peachy]

Well we wanted to give trhe Head a chance to approach us- face to face I will be much more but suspect starting off nice then ging in hard a better way- dont want to ruin relationship with school for ds2 and one day ds4 (very unlikely they will take ds3 imo)

We have a letter from Paed that she wrote to dla ans lea back when he was dx's stating he needs 24/ supervision- must dig it out

[Alambil]

Peachy, this is so sad

The school are failing your son - I can't quite believe they are being so blaze (can't do the accent thingys) about his clearly volatile behaviour (due to ASD - not his fault).

The father was out of order; understandable reaction, but could have been dealt with better. I hope they accept DS's letter with grace and compassion

May I agree with nooka? The email is good, but I fear it's not quite ... strong enough?

I have drafted another down there with a bit more oomf (I think anyway. I may be well off the mark)

Feel free to tell me to fuck off, and I apologise if you think I'm out of order

Dear Head,

I learned from a parent on the playgroud at pick up time on (date) that DS1 had injured another child in his class.

The father was very agressive in his approach and left me shaken and scared. Although this may be understandable, I feel let down by the school as I was completely unaware of the day's events.

This is absolutely unacceptable and has made us rather angry. I would like to know why the school failed to inform us of the incident?

I am going to book an appointment tomorrow to discuss DS1's case. I would like to speak with you, the SENCo, class teacher and any other staff DS has contact with.

I want the meeting to discuss what to do about DS1's supervision and specialist help.

We can not continue as we are. We need a review before an incident results in serious injury (more than cuts and buises).

I look forward to your response and will see you at the meeting.

Yours sincerely,

Peachy

[TurkishDeelite]

Peachy- you are in a really difficult situation, as many of the others I can only offer sympathy, but one more thing I want to add is that you need to take care of yourself and not get yourself down with this. Keep your chin up, you are doing the best you can. I agree that communicating with the school, local authorities, and with the parents (with the permission of the school perhaps) would be good. Good luck....

[Alambil]

oh sorry - massive X post... will fuck off!

sorry peach

[jimjamshaslefttheyurt]

Peachy they're right, being nice doesn't get you anywhere. You need to demand stuff. I send polite but very direct letters now setting out (effectively) demands and listing the steps I will take if I'm not happy with the response. It can be useful to get a copy of the councils complaints procedure (usually on their website) because then you can end the letter with something like "I understand you have to reply to me within 5 days, and if I am not happy I have the right to appeal to X. If I am still not happy at this stage I will write to the local govt ombudsmen" etc etc.

It depends who you need to write to - but whoever it is, set out the problem, state your demands, tell them what you will do if you're not satisfied with their response.

See what the response is to their email tomorrow, but if nothing I would send a letter cc'd to everyone insisting on an increase in hours. We'll write it for you

[Peachy]

Lewis dont be silly your e-mail was fab! in my defence i sent it immediately I got home but you're all quite right of curse.

Must go- ds1 has trashed his alarm (thank goodness for techie dh) and is being threatening again

[nooka]

I agree with Jimjams, and think Lewis' post could make a good basis for a letter. It's not about being rude or damaging your relationship with the school, it is about being really clear that you are unhappy, that the current set up is not working and then setting out what you would like to see put in place. It is really hard to write in practice, especially when emotions are involved, but especially if you are going to copy it around to garner additional support, really worthwhile. I am sure help will be forthcoming here.

[Aitch]

oh peachy... you poor soul.

[onebatmother]

yes, yurt and lewis have hit nails on heads. I am of the leaping in axes flailing constitution, but actually being very tough but very much on top of the procedural stuff is much better. If that doesn't work, then do flailing-axes.

[Jux]

I have a friend whose son has ADHD and 'mild' Tourettes. His statement gives him 1-1 at school which they don't do as too many kids already have 1-1 so he gets none at all. In the last two years he has spent more time at home on suspension than he has at school. He's a nice boy. DD is best friends with his sister. They all three play together when they are over here and there is never any real trouble. He's a great kid.

Peachy, you are not alone in your frustrations in how schools divvy up the 1-1s. It is absolutely shocking. I have great sympathy for you. I would ask any parent whose child has a problem with your ds to get to the head and make noise. You need support for your boy now, and they should be providing it. School is supposed to provide a safe environment for all pupils, including your son.

Talk to the parent when he's had a night to calm down in. He'll probably be delighted you are prepared to ask him for help.

[bobbysmum07]

It's far too simplistic to just blame the school or the system. Children like this nearly always come from homes where there are problems - parents not coping for one reason or another. That may sound harsh but it's true.

You say the school do not provide one to one care at lunchtime. Why not take your son home for lunch then? Why not send him to school just for the hours that he receives one to one support?

Whether your son has special needs or not, you still have a responsibility to work with the school to ensure that other children are safe when he's around them.

[Aitch]

have you been reading the thread, bobbysmum?

[Aitch]

actually, hang on a minute... 'children like this'..? you surely don't mean peachy's boy, do you?

[onebatmother]

Jesus, bobbysmum.

[Aitch]

lucky bobby, not having any problems at home... apart from the obvious.

[callmeovercautious]

Peachy - have not read everything here - sorry.

I just wanted to add my support. Please chase up any parent who has a go at you. Write to them and explain your situation (and appologise, I know you should not have to but sometimes it will go a long way, means to an end etc). If I was the other Parent I would really try and help. I would write to the school or anyone else you suggested because if your DS is well cared for then so is mine.

[silverfrog]

Bobbysmum, have you read any of the thread? Peachy is trying to work with the school to make sure that all the children (including her ds) are safe. The school are not interested.

As for the "children like this" comment - do you realise how ridiculous that is? (I suppose not, as you said it in the first place - gosh, i am looking forward to dd1 going to school and meeting lots of understanding people like you...)

[Combustiblelemon]

Read the fucking thread Bobbysmum.

[hapsty]

oh god peachy I have only read the OP and I am so sorry you have this to deal with.
sending love
HC xx

[onebatmother]

apart from the huge insensitivity, no, cruelty of the manner in which you are referring to Peachy's DS, you are talking such utter shite. Like what, exactly? Nearly always - really? Where did you read that figure?

[hapsty]

OH FFS

[MrsWeasley]

I think you should complain to the school because you should be allowed to pick your DCs up without being verbally attacked in the playground by other parents. If the incident (and sorry I havent read the whole thread) was serious enough to call in the other dad then they should have spoken to you too and also they should have advised the other parent that they are working to resolve these issues.

IMHO The school have let you down with this I too would be angry.