I have just been shouted at by the parent of DS1's latest victim. AIBU to think they'd be better off yelling at the school because I am doing my bloody best and am now scared to go into the playground, which is ridiculous?

[Peachy]

Sorry.

Am not so much angry that he approached- God knows I'd have done the same- but he wouldn't listen and kept saying in a put on voice 'yeah yeah I know he has needs'. The aggression of the dad dd make me shake (still am) and I feel like crying still.

What I was actually trying to say, if he had listened, was that I was very sorry and that he should approach the school in the hope they'd support our constant requests to them to watch him at lunchtime.

Most of all though I am scared that ds1's behaviour makes me feel sick - today he kicked the exact site of the injury on a boy with a recnt leg op. He says the boy ran after him- boy was on crutches. It's all bullshit, it's always bullshit and ds1 is angry at us for not beleiving him.

The school called the Dad in to get his son, so why the f didn't they tell us?
had I been alone i'd have been petrified; I had ds2, 3 and 4 with me.

Am really wishing I could just sign some forms for ds1 to go to a behavioural unit but school will barely acknowledge an issue atm, as they don't want any more 1-1's in the school and his current one already has too many hours. They have to try that before anything else: ed psych dept ahs closed due to staff shortages as well.

Ths was in front of the Mum of poor little ds2's new friend (DS2 has been hurt by kids telling him to top DS1 hurting them so chances are, as before, friend won't be allowed to play with ds2 now. But ds2 can't help his brother.

I think my patience with ds1 is running out. I love him dearly but truth be told he can be a little shit and I hate to think that way.

Crush

I still DO NOT AGREE with his actions. He should have aimed his anger at the school, I for one do not want confrontation at the school gates. I have been caught in the middle of a parent confrontation and it was very unpleasant..... actually it still can be.

He (the dad of the other child) is being just as badly behaved as your son in my eyes.

It could be though that he has been asked by his wife to "do something about it", and he has just gone all macho and overboard on his little mission to get it all sorted.

You said there was a petition at his preivous school, could you maybe start the petition yourself?

I don't think that the school would pass on a ltter from yuo to the other parent: for all they knew, it could be a diatribe from you. I think a note to him would be a good idea - but maybe see if you can pass it on directly to him in the playground - maybe in an envelope labelled "to the parents of xx; an apology, an explanation and a plea for you to complian to the school". That way they should at least open the envople and not just scrunch it up in rage.

That would give you more of a chance to explain your ds' AS and also your frustration that you are not getting sufficient support from the school.

You have been in no way unreasonable, don't be so hard on yourself. When you say you wish you could sign some forms for him to go to a behavioural unit, would that be residential? If so, don't feel guilty about that either, whatever is best for your DS and your family is what should ideally happen. Take care of yourself.

oh peachy .

How terrible. Why can't people have a little compassion and understanding. Always best to take a deep breath when this kind of thing is concerned - I've seen things kick off before and it acheives nothing. Especially if he knows he has special needs. I sympathise with the dad for worrying about his son but if he 'knows' couldn't he cut you some slack?

I know that you posted this in AIBU precisely because you want MNers to feel free to have a go at you if they think you deserve it.

So I do feel free to have a go at you -- BUT of course I won't, because you have done nothing wrong. I'm so sorry that you and your son are having such a hard time.

Oh Peachy

Is it a budgetary problem for the school I wonder?

In our school, in-class support is done by specific TAs. Break and lunchtime support is covered by the lunchtime supervisors.

We had a problem getting cover for a child with similar triggers. His parents, with our support, lobbied the Head to transfer funds between the budget areas.

Although 10 hours (wtf?) wouldn't cover all the breaks anyway.

Do try the NAS helpline and IPSEA. This issue of no support in playtimes comes up repeatedly. LEA's seem too thick /--stingy unable to take it on board, but parents somewhere must have dealt with this successfully.

What's your local parent partnership like. Ours are somewhere in the chocolate fireguard league but I know some are useful. Worth a try anyway.

Peachy, that sounds horrible all round. Really nasty for the boor kid who was attacked, probably quite scary for his parents, and really horrible for you to have to cope with the understandably upset dad without any warning. I am sure you are doing your best to get your son the support he needs, but some ideas you may have already thought abut/tried. Have you tried accessing CAHMS through your GP? I have a friend who has a son with similar issues (although he doesn't express them at school, just to his family) who has got good support (in the end) through CAHMs. You could try accessing your local MP, some can be supportive in these circumstances, and sometimes it does get things moving to copy in as many people as you can think of. I worked in NHS complaints, and we have had the occasional letter cc'd to the PM even. I think that was a little extreme, but sometimes it helps to have a little outside pressure. A note to the other family may help both you and the other family because you are going to meet in the playground again, and I imagine that will be difficult. Lots of sympathy to you.

dittany I did listen. I also said sorry. And cried (a bit)

The ten hours is used to cover literacy etc; we ahd a fight with the infants (he's now in juniors) fior a statement, they contested it and said ds1 was OK educationally; when juniors recognised finally (at 8 he couldnt spell his surname- 5 letters) he he had severe dyslexia, thats when his statement was applied. He has amde amazing progress then.

At lunchtimes there is only dinner lasied. There is a time outa rea he and a few otjers can access where the TA's man it on shifts; he has to choose to use it though.

Never even heard of a challenging behaviour asessment, despite havig begged SS fr help in the past and having run up some debt now on trying to help him

Lunchtime is an option at present but I can only afford to be off for a year and I hear schools get to rely on these things; also I bring ds2 home 1 or 2 times a week for asd free (ds3 also asd, but not aggressive) time

Have already answered on the other thread. More hugs!!!

I would do the note to the family to express how very sorry you are. No doubt they are in shock- dd had a knee operation in the spring and she nearly fainted if you touched the site for weeks after. Make it clear that you are not the problem, that you too want their son to be safe. Explain that you want your son to supervised, suggest that they complain to the school.

But then sit down and write a very strongly worded letter to the school, the school governors and the LEA to point out that they will be responsible if there is a fatal incident. You cannot control your son during the school day, his disability means that nothing you tell him at home will make any difference, he cannot understand- therefore supervision must be in place.

Pitch it strong; the word 'fatal' had an excellent effect when I was trying to get support for dd in a different context! They blanched visibly and clearly had visions of endless law suits and much publicity.

Does your school have a nurse that comes in?? If so she would be the best bet - she can get your son referred in super quick time. Also see if there is a family advisor type person connected to the school. YOU need support as much as your son. It's horrible being confronted by a parent and even worse when the school doesn't tell you about the incident. My DD1 was involved in a bullying incident - she was the victim - and I wasn't told about it but found out from other parents - then she was involved in another incident and I got straight on the phone to the headmaster and had a real go telling him I want to know everything that happens whether she is the victim or the bully I needed to know about it - in that case she turned out to be the bully so was marched straight round to the boy's house to apologise. But how can you do something if you know nothing about it?? The school is clearly NOT being supportive of you. You could get the other parents' help to sign a petition for you as well that they are not happy about your son's behaviour and they want action taken and support your ideas.

I don't want my baby to move away but I want him to stop hurting people. there's no appropriate SN placement (the only asd unit is way over subscribed) I know of but I don't think MS is the place for him.

I have e-mailed the Head (we did try to go find out what happened but its school meeting day), to explain what happened and ask why we weren't told- as thinking back I got the impression the fact we were unaware of the situation riled dad a lot. I have suggested that this may be the time to call a statement review and if the chool felt that was appropriate we were happy to fight the case of increasing his hours.

RE the note, ds1 has made a sorry card- should I do the note as well?

Mum is very approachable (and sadly one of the few mums left who still talks to me). I would feel comfy talking to her, to try to explain that we reallya re very sorry and are trying to improve things.

But then sit down and write a very strongly worded letter to the school, the school governors and the LEA to point out that they will be responsible if there is a fatal incident' exactly the tack I use to get the first statement through

We did have a full assessment before from SS, what we were offered was 1 afternoon a week respite BUT ds1 would hav been placed in a group with young kids and we felt this would be a real danger to them, so when we refused our case file was closed.

I think I would do a note parent to parent to be honest .. I think the way you have phrased everything on here that you understand where they are coming from and are sorry that their DS got hurt and appreciate that it is out of order but that you have been consistently trying to increase his 1 to 1 because he finds it so difficult during playtimes. I think that they will understand

Hi Peachy
My son used to be in a class with a very violent ASD child - pre statement.
I am good friends with the Mum and when her son sat on my DS1's chest and tried to scratch his eyes out (literally) I had to pick him up from school with blood still oozing from the scratches on his eyes and cheeks.

So the point of me telling you this is that we were encouraged by my friend and by the teacher to suggest to the school that we would take legal action against the school if this happened again. Apparently there aren't many things that get things moving - but if you felt you could say to the approachable Mum that she needs to school to protect your child from physical assault or she will take legal action against the school (not you!) see how you get on.

I feel so much for you - I hope you manage to get some support soon - you sound so exhausted by it all.

Would you like DS moved from mainstream school? I know you said the AS unit is over subscribed but could he not go to a Special School? Do you not have any nearby? Sorry if I've offended you but I work in a Sp. school and the children with ASD are intergrated through out the school not just in the units for ASD or behavourial and emotional problems. I apologise again if I have over stepped the mark. Good luck.

I think writing the note would be good.

I would be, and am, supportive of whatever placement either of the sn boys get. I have no problem with special school at all- indeed expect ds3 to go to one at some point

So sorry this has happened Peachy.

I'm not sure writing to this bloke would be any good. IMO parents who shout at other parents in the playground are yobboes, and therefore unlikely to be amenable to reason.

Aw, Peachy, you poor love! I can understand the father's annoyance but he was bang out of order to go on at you like that! He should have taken it up with the school, what on earth were you supposed to do about it?

Peachy, no advice but [hugs]. Sorry this happened.

Remember this chap doesnt know dh and I

they saw me and him chatting in the school yard laughing when his kid was in pain

I have no idea what people think of us atm as DH is always there; we probably look like we are either on benefits or too rich to work (a few at our school)- reality is DH is on sick leave as some meds have possibly damaged his liver but bet it looks like we have it easy

Peachy you don't need to make excuses for him because you feel guilty about your DS hurting his. It's not your fault, it's the school's fault, and the guy is a yobbo for yelling at you. It's just not something a decent person does, whatever the provocation. It's something they take up with the school.