I have just been shouted at by the parent of DS1's latest victim. AIBU to think they'd be better off yelling at the school because I am doing my bloody best and am now scared to go into the playground, which is ridiculous?

[Peachy]

Sorry.

Am not so much angry that he approached- God knows I'd have done the same- but he wouldn't listen and kept saying in a put on voice 'yeah yeah I know he has needs'. The aggression of the dad dd make me shake (still am) and I feel like crying still.

What I was actually trying to say, if he had listened, was that I was very sorry and that he should approach the school in the hope they'd support our constant requests to them to watch him at lunchtime.

Most of all though I am scared that ds1's behaviour makes me feel sick - today he kicked the exact site of the injury on a boy with a recnt leg op. He says the boy ran after him- boy was on crutches. It's all bullshit, it's always bullshit and ds1 is angry at us for not beleiving him.

The school called the Dad in to get his son, so why the f didn't they tell us?
had I been alone i'd have been petrified; I had ds2, 3 and 4 with me.

Am really wishing I could just sign some forms for ds1 to go to a behavioural unit but school will barely acknowledge an issue atm, as they don't want any more 1-1's in the school and his current one already has too many hours. They have to try that before anything else: ed psych dept ahs closed due to staff shortages as well.

Ths was in front of the Mum of poor little ds2's new friend (DS2 has been hurt by kids telling him to top DS1 hurting them so chances are, as before, friend won't be allowed to play with ds2 now. But ds2 can't help his brother.

I think my patience with ds1 is running out. I love him dearly but truth be told he can be a little shit and I hate to think that way.

[Joe90]

Peachy, phone the school's EO at the LEA and demand an emergency review and tell the school that at the very least you expect immediate informing of any incident, (obviously with playtime support incidents shouldn't happen). If they stick to 10 hrs go through the IEP with them to see if there is any lesson where he could do without support to enable support at break. Failing this could he go to the library or some other supervised place/club at breaktimes. Some ASD children also feel better when they have been able to run off their stress or do some other vigorous exercise, could he do some athletics or other sport at lunchtimes, even if not a proper club perhaps a 'buddy' could run with him? I do not know why some schools are so bad at this I had issues with school in not being informed until the end of the day when my son had attacked a boy in retaliation and then 3 years later when he had been taunted in a shed at lunchtime!! (he could have gone off and topped himself before I had known what the problem was). Perhaps you could also insist on a diary from a TA every day, say you will use it to inform them of anything they should know which may affect your son's behaviour so they won't be able to complain that the effort required will be of no benefit to them iyswim.

[Saturn74]

I thought I recognised the name of bobbysmum07.

A search reminded me why.

The comments on this thread are therefore sadly unsurprising.

[cornsilk]

Yes I thought I recognised that poster's name as well. Seems that she's a bit of a stirrer.

[jimjamshaslefttheyurt]

Does bobbysmum07 tell the parents of children with physical disabiliteies that they must come from homes where the parents aren't coping

FFS.

I would also really advise against taking him home. Once you do that you can kiss any chance of proper support for him goodbye. Schools do not ask parents of NT kids to take them home for part of the day because they don't have the staff to supervise them/provide them with appropriate education so why should they do this to children with SN. Bluntly if mainstream schools can't cope then they will have to pay for and provide for more specialist provision. If you want to take him out/home educate that's one thing. But if you don't push for extra help, don't let them off the hook by taking him home.

DS1's mainstream school was always asking me to keep him home (they only had him for 2 hours a day most of the time anyway). His special school would never dream of it. Children should get the same education in mainstream as in special school.

[Peachy]

Bobbysmum actually said what I expected more of. I do know I'm a doing-my-best parent. There are a few problems in that dh is ill and I am exhausted trying to care for 2 disabled kids and a baby but that was my choice to have ds4, i am glad I did and tbh this issue is nothing new. I have worked with the school every step of the way. I also have a ve5ry loving nt 7 year old, and a disabled but loving 5 year old. I must be doing something right.

He is not a 'child like this'. He's a little boy who was born with asd and a few other problems who has received very little support as we live in a borough where his dx qualifies him for nothing. the only way we can get help is privately- and I need to go back to work to pay for that, which is planned but hard to arrange for childcare purposes.

I can assure Bobbysmum that we have been assessed by SS and all the report says is some softsoap about Mum being intelligent and capable: the report was requested by me because I convinced myself we were letting him down somwhow.

[Peachy]

Anyway update:

Took ds1 over school this morning with dh ready forvgrief.

Head approached us all smiley, asked me to resend e-mail as he had lost it (!). He said as far as he was aware yesterday was an accident and no action is needed.

This kid appears to be off today.

I am going to talk to kids mum and tell her what Head said; if she disputes this I will call SNAP as the advisor knows us and then demand a statement review.

Head also said ds2 was fine. It doesn't add up.

If it trns out it was an accident an seething (but quietly as ever) that dad felt it was OK to scare me like this; I felt sick going to school today. f nothing else it has raised horrid images of 'the old days' when we couldnt go to the pool without some parent having a word and I ended up with mild agoraphobia then.

[cupsoftea]

Hope you're ok Peachy - you sound so strong and your kids are so lucky to have you looking out for them xxx

[mrsruffallo]

Peachy, if your son has hurt this child before or has a reputation for hurting children then the parents would assume that your son had hurt him on purpose.
I wouldn't approach thenm again, unless it was to ask them to complain. Their son has an injury to his leg- they are probably stressed enough.
I agree with posters who suggest you take him home for lunch. This may provide you, ds and the other children he has hurt with peace of mind.
It sounds like the head is ignoring the issue. Does she know that other children are begging your ds2 to make his brother stop hurting them?

[Peachy]

He does know that yes.

what I will say to the parents (Mum, we have always got on up until ow) is that if the Head wasnt right that it was an acicdent then pleae complain becuase we are trying to get supervision in place.

I think bringing him home is a no-go (at the moment- constantly under revew) for four reasons:

1. its easier for school not to ask for help, so if he's not their problem it will never get solved- I have to have him in FT school by September (inc. dinners) as otherwise we end up on full benefits and I want to earn our keep

1. He will see it as a reward, then if left in (eg if ds3 has a check up) will cause bigger issues to get taken out again

1. Lunch is only 45 minutes- by the time I get him here there's no time to eat a meal really

1. He does need to learn to socialise

Please don't think I don't understand why dad assumed- cearly there's been stuff before becuase he knew anout DS1's needs and I know Mum through ds3. Every time any random kid leaves that school upset I assume ds1 was involved.

[mrsruffallo]

Peachy-you need to be more assertive with the head then.
Don't be fobbed off by a casual playground chat, make an appointment and tell her that you are considering advising parents to write to the LEA re your son.
Also, don't worry too much abour your benefit status, they are there to help people in need!

[rebelmum1]

I'm not sure about the statementing process or the school's policies but is it worth having a chat with your GP and getting some support or a referral to a child psychologist this way, it will at least double your efforts. He/She could perhaps help your son get the help he needs.

[rebelmum1]

Is expect there is a support group for this condition you should get in touch, they will be able to help you get the result you need and will understand the system.

[Peachy]

he gets some input from the nas. however his dx is aspergers / hfa which does not fall under the disabled criteria in our area despite his statement and dla ighest rate

am going to do a note for mum; will post here first

[rebelmum1]

Is the disorder part of ADHD? here Has he had a proper diagnosis from a specialist that isn't the GP?

[rebelmum1]

Ah so he has aspergers, can you go back to the specialist and explain the issues you're having, perhaps get more support that way. Sounds like he's just not getting the right help at the school and it's not working there for him.

[Peachy]

he had a full dx in 2006, then as immediately signed off as thats the procedure for as here

I can get a re-referral though- Paed sais that's ok and am seeing her re ds3 regularly atm

[rebelmum1]

there's a support group here that might be able to help

[rebelmum1]

So they diagnosed him and then despatched him and you without any support or follow-up?

[magso]

Agree Peachy - don't take him home to lunch! Your points are right- he does need to learn to socialise, and the lea have a duty to meet his needs and of care to all the children including ds1.
I took ds home for lunch but ds was younger and was in real danger when poorly supervised and could not then self feed effectively - or communicate. He was also pre-diagnosis.
Hope you are feeling ok today.

[Peachy]

yes rb, exactly that! then 2 or 3 months later ds3 regressed badly and we got caught up in that (lost all language for a time)

magso thanks- discussed it with dh and if school were pursuing help we'd reconsider as a stop gap during process time.

there is a lunchtime 5 too- once dh well enough to return to work (1st oct we hope) he works nights, ds stimming loudly will not help him sleep and a lack of sleep will make him ill again

[MissMarpleTastic]

Oh, Peachy.

I had seen this in act. convos but not read it as I don't normally when there are a ton of messages.

I've skipped most of it but just wanted to say I feel for you, and I know you're doing all you can with DS.

Also wrt bringing him home for lunch, it's not just him is it? You have the baby to take care of and two other children so, in reality, him being at school is the only time you get things done?

[MissMarpleTastic]

(Tis VS BTW)

[Lemontart]

As a mum of one child who was bullied and another child who is repeatedly lashing out at other children causing all sorts of grief and heartache, you have my utmost sympathy. We are not quite at your stage yet with DD2, but I have experience of parental aggression as a result of her recent behaviour and it is just awful.
I agree with others that you need to keep talking with the school, keep insisting on being informed on a daily basis so that you are up to date and can act/help/support/discuss etc etc.

Something that helped me with a secondary school pupil in my tutor group years ago when he was struggling and parents were frustrated at not being kept up to date : I started a "dairy with three columns in it. One for me/school, one for the parents and one for the child. It was so helpful if the parents wrote useful info like "bad night?s sleep thanks to a late family celebration" - I was forewarned. Equally, X could comment after the school day with anything he wanted - could dispute what we had wrote or agree, even apologise now and again in there. As he found it hard to talk about how he felt and acted so quickly, this proved incredibly helpful all round. On one bad occasion I remember he was so frustrated that he just wrote in "I hate you all" - but this was kind of useful too as it meant we all knew exactly how he was feeling and could talk about it before he lost total control and ended up being suspended again!! As a kid who acted impulsively and found reflection hard, this book was great for dealing with both negative and positive events. Your child might be too young to be included in this type of three way reflection activity and it might be better as a simple home/school daily communication device - just a thought though. It might help the school to keep you more informed and it is not hard work for them, only takes a minute to write down a couple of sentences at the end of the day like

[Lemontart]

ignore the "like" at the end of that, not sure where that appeared [blush}

[Peachy]

thanks vs

lemontart- we have a link book but dh refuses to hand across(we have o access to teavcher, never met her, not sure of name as ds1 not sue). I think if he could have a say he'd be far more co-operative- fab idea