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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

someone's husband picking up my son

248 replies

alice123 · 14/09/2008 22:18

was at a friends and her husband's for dinner with their dd and my ds aged 5. At dinner time my ds was watching tv (his own dvd player that he had brought).

I was not worried about making him come and sit at the table to be honest as he eats not very much and wasn't hungry and prob wouldn't have eaten the food (it was a takeaway - they hadn't cooked it). So that was why I had brought his DVD player as I expected him to not want the dinner. At mealtimes when he doesn't want the food I don't force it, or make him sit at the table as in the past mealtimes have been a real issue and he has often been sick. So if he isn't hungry I just eat and he eats if he wants to. I know it sounds a bit pandering but it was the advice of my HV and it does seem to work with him.

Anyway, the meal time came and friend's husband (who I find overbearing and intolerant anyway!)said 'right, turn this off', turned off his dvd player, picked him up and plonked him at the table. He did sit there for a few minutes (can't remember if he ate or not).

But AIBU or over protective in thinking that he shouldn't have done that and if so, should have said anything?

OP posts:
MlleFingeot · 15/09/2008 11:09

Zippi on what basis may I ask? Experience?

zippitippitoes · 15/09/2008 11:10

yes experience

MlleFingeot · 15/09/2008 11:10

And what would you have done with me, if I was scared to sit at the table?

I will tell you if it would have helped me or not.

mumblechum · 15/09/2008 11:12

Agree with Ormiron. If the dad didn't know the child had some sort of food phobia, he can be forgiven for thinking that he needed firm handling.

Of course, if he did know then he should still have switched the dvd off (assuming it's in the same room as the dining table) as it would be very rude, imo, to have left it on, and the child should have been invited but not forced to come to the table

stroppyknickers · 15/09/2008 11:13

Zippi - just read your post. Can't believe you have to explain that eating at a table is normal haven't read much beyond the OP and that tho. Maybe I'm the freak...

mumblechum · 15/09/2008 11:14

I do also agree with someone down the thread that the only way a child learns good table manners is by sharing meals.

I'm shocked at how children as old as 5 or 6 still don't have good table manners.

nappyaddict · 15/09/2008 11:14

even though the dad knew about the food issues maybe he didn't realise sitting at the table scares your ds as much as the food does. was this made clear to him? if so he was in the wrong, if not you should have said oh actually we've been advised not to make him sit at the table, you know cos of his problem with food.

MlleFingeot · 15/09/2008 11:16

We are not talking about any old child here, we are talking about one who is ALREADY anxious about eating at the table.

So forcing him to do so is not going to help is it?

You need to get to the root of the problem which I think Alice is trying to do with some professiona help.

You can't make a child be fine about something by imagining the problem away!

zippitippitoes · 15/09/2008 11:18

it wouldnt have come to that

i dont think this is an issue about a child who is traumatised by tables

debzmb62 · 15/09/2008 11:36

remember were taking about a 5 year old here !! i,d of maybe taken the dvd player to tbh and me being the parent would of spoken to my own child and asked him ds to turn the dvd off and come to the table to try and just eat a little having food issuse and all (having my own child in the same position ) the child is " 5 " not 15 and i agree with alice i,d be pissed off if someone did that to my son !! also whats the child to do when they.d finshed eating !! sit and listen to adult chat or play with the 3 yr olds girly toys !!come on ynbur it was a takeawy not a set out meal !

OrmIrian · 15/09/2008 11:47

Well under normal circumstances I'd expect a 5yr old to sit and chat with the adults, debzmb62. IME there is nothing a child likes more than having the attention of a load of adults.

stroppyknickers · 15/09/2008 11:51

just quickly - why is anyone 'scared to sit at a table'? what trauma has befallen them with a placemat/fork/whatever?

Twelvelegs · 15/09/2008 11:58

Why are you going out for dinner when your ds is food phobic?
Noone should undermine your rules no matter how they think they're working, FWIW get him seen by a psychologist aged 5 is way too old to let this carry on. It's very anti social and will have him labelled weird by peers.
Your compliance by allowing a five year old watch their own DVD player (what 5 year old buys their own DVD player?) whilst people eat sends crazy messages to your child.
I would imagine your friends blame you for your ds's issues and were trying to help.

debzmb62 · 15/09/2008 12:01

pending what the adult chat was come on get real !having 5 kids myself with age,s ranging from 27 -3 years and having only one with eating issue !!we all sat at the table we all eat together my son with issuse sometimes sits with us sometimes not i,m not forcing him nor would i any child ,
he,s alice,s child is 5 and has issuse with food ! to force him would be bad it takes time ! its not about being the best parent its about helping the child through this

OrmIrian · 15/09/2008 12:03

Yes I said 'under normal circumstances' debz. I agree with you in this case.

cocolepew · 15/09/2008 12:22

They were only holidy, they picked up a take away, it was a relaxed atmosphere, the OP's son have food issues and he was quietly watching his DVD while the others had their meal. I can't see a problem with that. He wasn't being rude as this is what his mum allowed him to do on advice of professionals. On the other hand the friend's husband was rude.

PinkTulips · 15/09/2008 12:38

dd has food issues, doesn't eat much of most meals, any of some meals and finds it difficult to sit at the table.

tough shit, she sits at the table while every one eats and has food put in front of her which she eats or she doesn't but she doesn't leave the table without permission.

she's 3

i would find you incredibly rude as guests and tbh, if your son has food issues that you pander to and encourage to that extent why is he repeatedly in situations where it becomes an issue?

either chose to allow him to be rude at home an accept that this makes youunpleasant guests or teach him how to behave politely at meals, eating non withstanding.

MlleFingeot · 15/09/2008 12:38

stroppyknickers was that meant to be funny?

Oh yes, I had a run in with a dessert spoon once. That started the whole thing.

Fwiw it is attitudes like that which do mean that some minor upset in a child's mind, turns into a major problem for everyone.

or does it freak you out that children might suffer from anxiety? You wouldn't be so dismissive about an adult with phobias, social phobia for example. There are whole threads supporting those who suffer with this sort of thing on MN. Yet a child is laughed at or branded a spoilt kid with no social skills, at the age of five.

That's shameful.

Twelvelegs - they are already under the care of a health professional.

MlleFingeot · 15/09/2008 12:40

Bloody hell pinktulips. I hope you never invite me or my children to dinner. 'tough shit'?

cocolepew · 15/09/2008 12:44

Does everybody always sit together around the table, as a family, for every meal, even when on holiday? We don't, my Ds have been known to sit on the floor in front of the TV and have their dinner. They have been complemented on their good behaviour when we go out, so it doesn't seemed to have damaged their social skills.

ingles2 · 15/09/2008 12:46

As others have said, your issue wasn't really with your ds food problems at all.. it was with the dh picking your son up. Because you don't like him.
If it was the dw would you have thought differently? I reckon so.
I also think you have "elaborated" on your thread because it didn't pan out the way you thought it was going to.
Ultimately though, YABU. you have put your ds in a potentially upsetting and awkward situation.
He has food issues, you are dealing with it.... Great.
In other peoples houses, where they have their own dc's and their own rules is not the place to do it.
Next..

PinkTulips · 15/09/2008 12:48

mllefingeot, i had serious food issues as a child myself, didn't eat ofr days resulting in severe migraines. would vomit rather than eat food.

still am what most would describe as ridiculously picky and up til having dd still couldn't eat more than a few mouthfuls without being full.

my parents managed a fine balance of allowing me to be difficult about food without starving myself but i still went to restaurants with them and ate at friends house and never caused a scene or refused to come to the table.

i sat at the table every night whether i ate or not and my kids do the same. it's not harmful, harmful would be forcing the food. teaching basic manners is not doing a child any harm and will do them alot of favours in the long run when they're older and can still eat in restaurants or friends houses without alienating all their friends.

i've never come across anyone who would allow their child to sit watching dvds rather than eat at the table when a guest in someones house and i've met some pretty lenient parents.

cocolepew · 15/09/2008 12:52

But they weren't in someones elses house it was a holiday flat.

ingles2 · 15/09/2008 12:56

yes... their holiday flat

cocolepew · 15/09/2008 12:59

If she'd did it in her holiday flat she's still be flamed.