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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

someone's husband picking up my son

248 replies

alice123 · 14/09/2008 22:18

was at a friends and her husband's for dinner with their dd and my ds aged 5. At dinner time my ds was watching tv (his own dvd player that he had brought).

I was not worried about making him come and sit at the table to be honest as he eats not very much and wasn't hungry and prob wouldn't have eaten the food (it was a takeaway - they hadn't cooked it). So that was why I had brought his DVD player as I expected him to not want the dinner. At mealtimes when he doesn't want the food I don't force it, or make him sit at the table as in the past mealtimes have been a real issue and he has often been sick. So if he isn't hungry I just eat and he eats if he wants to. I know it sounds a bit pandering but it was the advice of my HV and it does seem to work with him.

Anyway, the meal time came and friend's husband (who I find overbearing and intolerant anyway!)said 'right, turn this off', turned off his dvd player, picked him up and plonked him at the table. He did sit there for a few minutes (can't remember if he ate or not).

But AIBU or over protective in thinking that he shouldn't have done that and if so, should have said anything?

OP posts:

MlleFingeot · 15/09/2008 08:46

Btwe I speak as a former dinner-refuser from a very early age. The only thing that stopped me having a complete panic attack was to avoid making it an issue.

That meant nobody made me go anywhere near food at all, and if I wanted some it was available.

Sitting at the table was a big part of the anxiety. It was the thing of being visible and expected to sit politely and eat (or be seen NOT to eat - awful) and it made me very scared.

nappyaddict · 15/09/2008 08:51

MlleFingeot - you say being seen not eat was as bad as being seen eating. but as a child if you were sat on your own whilst everyone else ate surely everyone could see you weren't eating? not trying to pick fault just trying to understand

MlleFingeot · 15/09/2008 08:55

It was easier for me to be away from people though. Yes, I wasn't eating but there was no reason for them to make a ginormous fuss about it if you think about it.
I ate when I was ready, I wasn't wasting away.
but the social pressure was somewhat lessened - I see what you mean, and yes it did feel uncomfortable still but it was far less so than having to sit at the table. They all knew i didn';t want to be there anyway so I'd have been embarrassed whatever.

lou031205 · 15/09/2008 08:57

YABU - if you had dealt with your son in an appropriate manner, or at least responded to the man when he first asked DS to join you all at the table along the lines of "Oh, actually I'm just going to let him sit quietly because he isn't hungry", then he wouldn't have felt the need to intervene.

It is rude to let your DS watch a DVD while you all eat, and as you had bought a takeaway, you should have made sure it had something that your DS would eat, even if only a naan bread or something.

I think it was your poor management of the situation that led to the man intervening. I would not want my 3 year old to be taught that it is OK to play instead of sitting with the other people at the table.

MlleFingeot · 15/09/2008 08:59

i think the whole social expectation can put massive pressure on an already nervous child.

To this day I do not understand why sitting at the table was so important to them all.

It was like they were scared if I didn't perform that one ritual, I would be on a slippery slope to reprobate teenager. This worried me more than the original problem. The terror among my elders of things not being 'Normal.'

Ime the more fuss is made to get the child to comply (without any real motive or need) the more anxious and withdrawn the child will become. My grandfather would come and 'have a chat' with me about not sitting at the table and it made me feel very very odd - like 'why the fck do you care so much?' well I was very polite and didn't know the word fck but if you take my point.)

MlleFingeot · 15/09/2008 09:00

I was about 9 btw

nappyaddict · 15/09/2008 09:52

whilst i think it is fine for your ds to not sit at the table if he feels anxious about it i don't think he should be allowed to watch a dvd if there are other children there too. a 3 year old doesn't understand the reason your ds is allowed to sit and watch a dvd whilst she has to sit at the table and eat is cos he has issues with food. maybe it would be more appropriate to let him read to himself or something?

mllefingeot - if you did want to eat did you prefer to do it at the table with everyone else and be "normal" or eat on your own away from everyone else?

susiecutiebananas · 15/09/2008 09:58

alice, I was not being facetious in my long thought out post which was ignored.Iwas trying to get things straight, honestly in my mind then I was agreeing with you, but you seem to have ignored that.

I also did suggest about further help with eating probs, as it seems it would also be a future solution to this kind of thing happening. I didn't read anywhere where at that time, you'd said he was seeing a consultant...

I'm sorry you feel you are getting a rough ride here. I think it's is very difficult to just stick to the single issue of the man picking your son, as it's not a particularily nice thing to've done ( imo) and of course there needs to be a back ground to it, for us to understand possible motives behind it

As an OP, you can't always remember everyting straight off so its perfectly reasonable that you would keep adding to it, when asked or prompted by memory.

I do hope you little boy does get through his issues. It will make both your lives so much happier and stress free ( i know, you aren't so stressed, but if it goes on for years it might get that way. )

Lastly, in the context of literally the man pickig him up, without permission, I do think it was wrong so YANBU. I'm surprised that more people have not said same really! IT's not ok for a man you don't know that well, or even if you did, to go against a parenting desicion, and handle another persons child like that. I'm very surprised that more people aren't agreeing with you.

Take care, and honestly, good luck.

BlackEyedDog · 15/09/2008 10:07

from what I get from the op, she has established a working strategy to deal with her son's phobia/whatever it is, around eating, and this bloke ignored it to pick the small fella up and force him to the table. Extremely rudely in my view - to the little boy as well as his parents.

The op could have picked him up herself and brought him to the table had she cared to. Or the ds could walk there himself!

This type of anxiety is not exactly unheard of and I think the op is handling it with sensitivity.

Surfermum · 15/09/2008 10:21

Lol I composed a post in my head as I read through, then came to BlackEyedDog's post and she has said what I was going to!

It's down to you alice to deal your son however you choose. He may have a completely different opinion - but it isn't his place to enforce it.

purits · 15/09/2008 10:27

Is this a pfb with no male role-model?
How is he going to cope in school? Isn't this the sort of kid that teachers dread - not taught how to sit at table, use knife & fork, no social skills, etc?
Perhaps you need to speak to the health professionals again.

flibertyplus2 · 15/09/2008 10:40

alice123 sorry your thread has had such an awful reaction. It seems to me that even if your thread comes under 'am I being unreasonable?' it's better not to post there is it seems to be viewed as a free for all and equivalent to a fight in the playground.

It amazes me that some of the posters here are going on about your behavior being rude while being really rude and insulting to you. It's also surprising that you say (many times) that you are acting on medical advice when letting him avoid the table at mealtimes and yet so many posters seem to think they know better and that forcing him to sit at the table is the right thing to do.

For what it's worth, I think the bloke sounds like a pain in the ass and I would have been annoyed that he was interfering with your treatment of DS.

MlleFingeot · 15/09/2008 10:47

By purits on Mon 15-Sep-08 10:27:22
Is this a pfb with no male role-model?
How is he going to cope in school? Isn't this the sort of kid that teachers dread - not taught how to sit at table, use knife & fork, no social skills, etc?
Perhaps you need to speak to the health professionals again.

Frankly that sort of attitude is ignorant, unhelpful and makes me furious.

It isn't about what the child can and cannot do. It is about a psychological, psychosomatic perhaps, physiological problem which is not related in any way to his ability to use cutlery.

If you are going to be judgmental at least get your facts straight!!

As for 'No social skills' I can't even be bothered to dignify that with a response.

Nappyaddict - I preferred to eat separately. It was more the social interaction/ dynamic that paralysed me so that I was unable to eat in company. I do still have vague issues around it and this I attribute to the way it was handled - I was made to feel like a freak.

I'm not offended by your questions btw - I am offended by some other posts though!!

MlleFingeot · 15/09/2008 10:51

Fliberty - I agree.

I do wonder why the generally defensive uproar about forcing children being the only possible solution - not all posters but definitely some -

I wonder if it was done to them as kids and they are resentful that the new generation might 'get away with it'

much the same happens on dummy threads I have to say.

nappyaddict · 15/09/2008 10:55

mllefingeot - what happened when you had to eat at school/parties/in restaurants etc?

purits · 15/09/2008 10:57

What is unhelpful about suggesting that she speaks to the health professionals?

zippitippitoes · 15/09/2008 10:58

there are all sorts of wider aspects to joining in sitting at the table with adults...an experience of conversation, sharing,taking turns,listening...its not just about food

if you the child is allowed to avoid all these then it does make their social behaviour much worse

and they are being allowed to manipulate the whole family and this can become a downward spiral

MlleFingeot · 15/09/2008 11:02

I found that very difficult as well.

I would take a very long time to eat and I would have trouble finishing my lunch.

I usually ended up at a table on my own.

This wasn't long term. I found my own way through it - it began when I was about 9, wavered on and off in varying dewgrees till secondary school and then I found it easier to go and eat alone outside.

I had friends and very good social skills - just problems around food. Which were a symptom of insecurity and various things at home I think.

Lots of children have similar problems but it seems to be very taboo even nowadays. I am amazed at the lack of up to date thinking around it, demonstrated on this thread.

It sounds like a lot of people are stuck in the 50s before some of the decent child psychology books came about.

'Make him sit there or he will have no social skills' is just ridiculous.

Has nobosdy heard of positive reinforcement, attachment theory etc. It's like saying 'you have to make your toddler separate from you or he never will'

When in fact allowing the toddler to develop his own separation agenda in his own time, rather than having him peeled off you to enforce 'good habits' is a far more successful approach

same kind of thing

stroppyknickers · 15/09/2008 11:04

Just read the op and the last few comments. I think you are being totally ridiculous tbh to get upset about someone doing this. I have lots of friends with children, and I would happily pick one of the kids up and sit them at the table. It's nice to have people who can touch your children without you freaking out. It probably didn't occur to him that your son would sit down, ignore the food and watch a dvd instead. Men just don't give it that level of analysis ime.

Starbear · 15/09/2008 11:05

Sorry have not read all of thread. Friend son vomited on my table when I was looking after him. (No biggy just know for future) I now do not invite family around unless we have roast dinner (he'll eat that) my DH and friend's father have talked to each other and they agree with what can and can't happen on the table. Neither family will tolerate DVD or not sitting at the table for their own children. Friend's DH now will came to our house with their own food. In future meet up where food is not the main entertainment picnic day out. Other friend's DS would not sit at the table (or play with other kids) when he was 4, now six is an angel. Friendship with the family more important (unless we don't like them, we don't invite them)

MlleFingeot · 15/09/2008 11:06

Zippi - much as I hate to disagree with you,

if you the child is allowed to avoid all these then it does make their social behaviour much worse

UNtrue

and they are being allowed to manipulate the whole family and this can become a downward spiral

How are they manipulating anyone?

My family did not fall apart because I had food issues

I did not manipulate anyone, I simply asked not to be forced into formal situations which made me paralysed with fear

The issues were already present. Do you see what I mean/ It is cause and effect and how you deal with an unhappy/worried child. You can't be top-down about it. It's extremely counter productive and dosn't make the innate cause go away.

Purits I didn't say that was unhelpful. I think you have entirely the wrong end of the stick.

zippitippitoes · 15/09/2008 11:07

i disagree with you

OrmIrian · 15/09/2008 11:08

If the family knew the situation and you had made your stategy clear, he was being overbearing and rude. If not, he wasn't. How was he to know? Most people, as you have seen on this thread, would have been shocked at your DS's behaviour.

MlleFingeot · 15/09/2008 11:09

And frankly whether teachers 'hate' that kind of child or not has no bearing on what OP needs to do for and with her child, whom I gather she is trying her best to help.

Teachers are not relevant. A lot of mine thought I was a freak, I am sure. Others believed in me as a good child and were very very kind. They all tried to help. I wasn't - I was very intelligent and polite and sensible, but struggled with irrational fears and these were not deliberate.

zippitippitoes · 15/09/2008 11:09

sitting at the table for a meal isnt a formal situation it is a normal part of everyday life

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