To think people who ask for money as a wedding gift are vulgar and rude!

[mimabear]

I'm going to a wedding soon, the couple in question have lived together for several years and say they don't need anything, hence the request for money.
Now I don't mind buying from a wedding list or even giving gift vouchers, but the idea of giving hard cash (or a cheque?!) seems distasteful.
So much so that I'm not sure I shall go after all.
AIBU?

If you are affronted by the invitation you should certainly decline it.

well, lazarou, since this is a very popular subject to discuss on mumsnet there are obvious a lot of "fucking mental" people out there.

I was happy to give money towards the honeymoon of some very good friends, but less so to the people we barely knew who put their bank details on the back of the invitation.

LOL @ 'bank details'

Now that is rude

lol @ littlelapin "your attitude says more about you than it does about me.."

well i think you are making my case for me re the self-righteousness!

if you think you did the right thing and your friends agree with you, you should be indifferent to my opinion, not making chippy, snipey little comments.

see, lazarou, you are LOL-ing bank details but that is exactly what we have just had!

I think it is vulgar and rude. I find some wedding lists totally unacceptable as well, especially those with gifts costing a minimum of £100! I won't name and shame, but one list wanted £100 for a salt and pepper grinder and some either poxy thing, a glass condiments tray, like the ones in restaurants.

I can understand people requesting nice bed linen and longterm useful household goods. I didn't have a wedding list, but I still received some wonderful useful gifts and some also had the forthought to include an 'exchange receipt' which most decent shops now provide.

I can also understand newly weds wanting a contribution towards their honeymoon but in that case, it should be done through one of those agencies.

My cousin did this. She sent out a flyer with the wedding invitations asking for donations/payments towards their honeymoon, via a travel agency.

A couple of months later, we received a lovely thank you card and a "round robin" type of letter as to what their honeymoon was like - although I have a fair idea; my cousin gave birth 9 months later!

It is the decorum that counts in such times, but nowadays no one cares about decorum. It is seen as snobish and old-fashioned, which to me, is the ultimate irony.

I ignore wedding lists and usually buy a Dartington crystal bowl that can be used for anything. Alternatively, I stitch them a wedding sampler if I have time.

I think that asking for money is awkward for guests as if they have to stump up for travel/ accommodation/an outfit/childcare etc, having then to find the money for a gift that does not look too ungenerous is difficult.

We recently went to a wedding blessing in Germany as part of a group of the groom's friends who did the following. Everyone who went contributed 20 euros (so 60 from us) and the cash was hidden in coins and notes in a box of sand, so that the couple would have fun digging it out. I think they got 500 euros from the gliding club. However, I also took them a Portmerion decanter and a good bottle of Port so they could follow quaint English traditions!

If you have everything, then asking for donations to charity is fine. It's my pils 50th anniversary next year and they have stipulated no presents, and donations to charity if liked. I did point out they'd had their 50th pressie a year early and did they want to return it or should I.....

I also ask for charity donations for Christmas and birthday sometimes, as I have everything I need, and most of what I want. I feel much better for it than having something I like, but know I won't really use.

if you have everything you need, why do you need money for more stuff?

if you can't afford a honeymoon, then don't go on one.

rude and vulgar to expect others to pay for it.

the whole thing's gotten to be like a gift-getting exercise. tacky, tacky, tacky.

what with these stag and hen do's abroad, big ol' weddings where guests have to stump up for hotel/travel/babysitters, what's enough?

entitlement culture gone made.

just give the money instead of gift.you dont give unwanted gift(wasting money)they receive what they want

sounds spot on to me

the difference is that you don't need a honeymoon, ll.

sure you do. just like you need a kettle.

but a week in barbados?

fine if you can afford it, i find it incredibly vulgar to ask others to pay for it, tbh.

I think the problem with giving cash is that you feel you are being judged by how much you give. It's also perhaps that one likes to give a present that has been considered and searched for, rather than just giving money, My Nan used to give me book tokens instead of cash, which was great, as dh couldn't moan when I came home with new books.

A friend got married this summer. They have lived together for a while, have two dcs etc. I fully expected them to ask for charitable donations (given what I know about my friend's 'green' beliefs) and was astounded that they asked for cash to go towards a 'familymoon'.

We were already stumping up for accommodation at the other end of the country, outfits etc. I have to say it left a nasty taste in my mouth. I mean, We couldn't afford to go abroad this summer after we'd been to her wedding and then she went off 'en famille' to the farkin Caribbean.

So I sucked it up, wrote a (modest) cheque and wished them well. But still. It just felt, I don't know - grabby.

if i were to spend an identifiable amount of money on gift,i wouldn't bother whether they received as cash or item

what would bother me was a duplicate gift unused or unused gift.no one wins in that situation

someone said they ignore requests and buy a crystal bowl.

hmmm your money your choice but personally if i received a crystal bowl it would be straight quick trot to charity shop. loathe crystal - would never keep a crystal bowl.but illustrates taste is v personal and one person lovely useful crystal bowl is another charity shop junk

suppose wedding lists are a specific request, and yes it is direct,but better that than multiple duplicate gifts etc

of course all of this is hypothetical for me

actually I don't mind what people ask for. What I do mind is the wedding list/cash donation instruction coming with the invitation, in the assumption that I'll definitely be buying the couple something.

If I want to seeing the sodding list, I'll ask.

see