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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people who ask for money as a wedding gift are vulgar and rude!

283 replies

mimabear · 12/09/2008 23:45

I'm going to a wedding soon, the couple in question have lived together for several years and say they don't need anything, hence the request for money.
Now I don't mind buying from a wedding list or even giving gift vouchers, but the idea of giving hard cash (or a cheque?!) seems distasteful.
So much so that I'm not sure I shall go after all.
AIBU?

OP posts:
electra · 13/09/2008 11:13

YANB at all U

I have posted about this before but I think asking for money as a wedding gift is crass, and the height of bad taste.

solo · 13/09/2008 11:15

We needed a new fridge when I married(now)exh and we wanted to buy an Admiral American fridge freezer. We put a little note into the invites saying that we didn't need anything, but if they would like to contribute towards our new fridge, any small donation would be gratefully received. Some did, some didn't, some gave other gifts. We had £10 notes and we had a £50 cheque and other amounts in between. It didn't matter how much. If they only intended to give a £5 gift, then a £5 note would've been fine - it was all a bonus to their company. We were just very grateful and happy they could come celebrate with us regardless of any type of gift.

scaryteacher · 13/09/2008 11:29

It's a plain crystal bowl - I don't buy cut crystal.

Aitch · 13/09/2008 11:36

am v surprised at the giving to charity = bad form line... i love it. as a gift giver you feel that your money is going somewhere better than into a cupboard under the recipient's sink [bread machine icon] and presumably the recipient feels fookin' great that their celebration can be commemorated with a donation to a worthy cause. what's not to like?

the first people i knew to do this did it over ten years ago, a young couple, simply didn't need that much. now that it's more an accepted 'thing' my pals are all asking for oxfam livestock these days, two of them recently could have started a farm and have saved acres of jungle.

hatwoman · 13/09/2008 12:16

I think the line that expat tries to draw is between the origin and purpose and ethos behind wedding gifts and the modern-day aquisitiveness of them. the whole idea of wedding gifts is (or maybe used to be?) that a young couple will find it hard, financially, to set up home, and, at the same time, setting up a home is part of starting off your marriage. so as a friend you want to really help them on their way, in a concrete, practical way. hence toasters and kettles. and even the odd bit of dartington. someone earlier on pointed out that marriage has changed so much that maybe the purpose of gifts has also changed to reflect that. but I, personally, really do like the idea of gifts that help people set sail, as it were. it makes me feel part of it - like that bit in the wedding where they talk about friends and relatives being part of the package - supporting the new couple etc. Although it's hard to locate exactly, there is a line, somewhere between kettles and barbados, where it ceases to be a community of friends and family contributing to a new life and starts to be something else.

bossykate · 13/09/2008 13:45

i think you have put it very well there, hatwoman.

aitch, i don't think charity = bad form in a vulgar, declasse way... and i think for a 50th wedding anniversary for e.g. it is a good idea.

but i do think it has to be handled carefully to avoid a whiff of holier-than-thou (pace littlelapin who obviously handled the whole matter perfectly ).

the only time we have ever had this, it really was worded along the lines, "unlike those other money grubbing couples and their horrid vulgar wedding lists we, being so much better than other people, and much, much cooler to boot, want you to make a donation to charidee..."

there was a try-hard wannabe "ironic" tone to it all.

and no we didn't go before everyone gets all up in arms about that - they were acquaintances rather than friends.

plus i think there is quite a deeply ingrained traditional view that the guests help the couple "set sail" as hatwoman put it so well - and guests feel denied that in a way if cash or donations are "encouraged".

so my reaction to solicitations for donations to charity is very much coloured by my own experience - of course.

Dropdeadfred · 13/09/2008 13:56

we got married 0n 9th Aug this year - we specified no gifts..

we got quite a few vouchers and a few cheques too - people were very generous

2 people wrote cheques for £98.08p...(for the date of the wedding)

belgo · 13/09/2008 13:57

that's lovely Dropdeadfred

littlelapin · 13/09/2008 15:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crunchie · 13/09/2008 15:18

IMHO if you just ask for money it is vulgar, BUT if you ask for it fr a reason like pea wanted a piece of art for her wall or for the honeymoon it isn't so bad.

MrsTittleMouse · 13/09/2008 15:27

I think that asking for money or gifts are both rude (like lots of posters on here already). We registered, but only gave out the details of the list if we were specifically asked. The shop gave us cards with our list code on to put in with the invitations! It just smacks of having a wedding with an entrance fee to me. We had people who bought from the list, gave money, bought unique things or bought nothing.

Gobbledigook · 13/09/2008 15:33

Hmmm, asking for money for honeymoon or family holiday - I don't like that.

Asking for money towards furniture, imo, is fine, because it's still about helping them set up house together which is what wedding gifts are all about really, not just thinking of any old random thing you could use the cash for.

jenwa · 13/09/2008 15:34

I find it easier, at least you know what to give to them!

Had 3 weddings this year and all asking for money but they did it in a nice way, either a poem or a nice card but all 3 did not say you had to but if you wanted too you could.

I had afew gifts for my wedding that I had already got or did not need so had to take some back.

I did always think it was rude to ask for money and did not at my wedding but as I can see more couples live together longer before a wedding now so tend to have everything they need so cash is usually needed for a more specific item or a contribution towards a honeymoon.

expatinscotland · 13/09/2008 15:35

there is no nice way to ask for money as a gift.

it just smacks of begging and greed or charging an entrance fee to me and always will.

Gobbledigook · 13/09/2008 15:38

On the invitation I have it says 'if you would like to give a wedding gift...'

So if you don't want to, that's fine.

expatinscotland · 13/09/2008 15:45

yeah, i'd like to give a wedding gift, not line your pockets.

Gobbledigook · 13/09/2008 15:48

Just do that then - I think SIL asked for money and I bought a gift instead.

I don't know why people get their knickers in a twist - just do what you want to do!

ScottishMummy · 13/09/2008 15:50

no one is getting frogmarched to ATM to hand over cash.dont want to do it give a gift or be a real tight wad and give sweet fa and go on about your principles

expatinscotland · 13/09/2008 15:50

but it's still rude to ask for money because a) it assumes an expectation from an invited guest b) that the gift that guest choses for you isn't wanted, except if it's money.

i guess i was just brought up in a strict house where doing that wouldn't have crossed my mind because we were taught to accept ANY gift graciously as possible.

expatinscotland · 13/09/2008 15:51

well, of course, SM, but htat wasn't the question.

the question was 'is it rude and vulgar?'

yes, it is.

ScottishMummy · 13/09/2008 15:53

pragmatically no i dont think asking for money is rude.either way a cash transaction happens gift costs cash, cash is cash

MrsThierryHenry · 13/09/2008 15:57

If I'd been given lots of money on my wedding day it would've helped me stay off work a bit longer with my DS. You don't know what they want the money for, perhaps they have huge debts and would like to start married life a bit more solvent.

I do appreciate that money is intrinsically more sensitive a matter than gifts, but in this instance I think you are being unreasonable.

zipzap · 13/09/2008 16:06

Haven't had a chance to read all of the thread and I agree, I don't like being asked for straight cash or a donation towards the honeymoon.

However, somebody I knew was combining a honeymoon with some travelling so they knew their itinary and what they wanted to do, they priced up different things along the way and asked for those. I can't remember exactly what now, but for example, if they had been going to London (which it wasn't, think it was somewhere amazingly exotic like S America) they would have asked for entrance tickets to Tower of London, ride on the London Eye, a river trip, meal at a nice restaurant they had wanted to try and so forth.

So rather than just giving indeterminate cash, you could think you were giving them something that they otherwise may well not have done. And they took photos of themselves at everything as they went around and sent their thank you cards as a photo of the place you had given them as a present if you see what I mean.

It seemed a nicer way of doing things than just asking for cash towards a holiday as you could see something specific that they were getting and they did it nicely, with a nice little poem etc which always helps!

ScottishMummy · 13/09/2008 16:13

a work colleague took a year out travelling we all gave farewell cash donations, not rude or vulgar but much needed cash.

no need for a kettle or toaster when back packing

Kagey · 13/09/2008 16:16

This is quite a hard one. I got married last year and did not have a gift list as it was deemed rude by my IL's. However, my family and friends asked me what we wanted and we asked for gift vouchers, if they did not mind.

TBH you can't win either way