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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people who ask for money as a wedding gift are vulgar and rude!

283 replies

mimabear · 12/09/2008 23:45

I'm going to a wedding soon, the couple in question have lived together for several years and say they don't need anything, hence the request for money.
Now I don't mind buying from a wedding list or even giving gift vouchers, but the idea of giving hard cash (or a cheque?!) seems distasteful.
So much so that I'm not sure I shall go after all.
AIBU?

OP posts:
mazzystar · 13/09/2008 00:09

I agree - its horrid in so many ways.
If they don't need anything material, surely your love and friendship and support is all that is required.

trumpetgirl · 13/09/2008 00:09

I don't like the idea of wedding lists. I appreciate that you then get what you want/need and don't end up with 20 toasters, but I was invited to a wedding last year and they had a wedding list. I couldn't go... but thought I'd have a nosey at the list anyway.
They had asked for things like washing machine, drier etc... I can barely afford these things for myself!!!
I can't understand why anyone would expect people to buy things like that, and feel like I've missed out having never got married!
I would have much prefered that they said give whatever you can afford, then they could have put it all together and got what they wanted.

expatinscotland · 13/09/2008 00:11

Where is all this sense of entitlement to a gift at all?

That's what is so incredibly tacky and rude.

That you expect a gift at all.

It's supposed to be an event you host to celebrate your marriage, not a gift-getting endeavour.

Lists and asking for money all smack of 'come to my wedding and get me this'.

pucca · 13/09/2008 00:11

Tbh at our wedding, we had already lived together a number of years and already had dd etc, so we just said that the presence of the person was enough but if they DID want to give something then vouchers would be most appreciated.

The only thing i do think comes into account regarding having to give vouchers or cash, is it does end up costing more, as if you buy a present you can get a bargain, where as if you give vouchers/cash you just don't want to look a cheap skate so end up giving a reasonable amount because the couple will obviously know the amount.

thumbwitch · 13/09/2008 00:12

I don't personally know anyone who would go to a wedding and NOT want to take a gift - several of you on these posts seem to think it is disgusting/ a shock that people "expect" them, but mostly guests WILL want to give something and can be quite offended if told not to bring anything at all. So money or vouchers is a better alternative to unrequired stuff.

expatinscotland · 13/09/2008 00:13

'So money or vouchers is a better alternative to unrequired stuff.'

And not a donation to a charity of the hosts' choice?

If you don't need stuff, then you don't need money for more stuff, either.

pucca · 13/09/2008 00:15

Expat... Did you ask for donations to charity at your wedding then?

expatinscotland · 13/09/2008 00:15

pucca, we married in a registry office with two blokes pulled off a park bench as witnesses.

pucca · 13/09/2008 00:17

Oh right, so did you not get any gifts or anything off family etc?

PeaMcLean · 13/09/2008 00:17

I did not expect a gift. It was not a condition of coming to my wedding.

However, there's a tradition that if you go to a wedding you take something as a gift. I guess in part I was hoping to take some of the hassle out of that. People asked if I would be ahving a wedding list. But also I didn't need any towels. I thought it would be nice to have just one thing we would keep forever. It was a very small wedding with people we knew would be with us on that.

Also, I tried to set up our "pot" via a friend so that people could do it anonymously if they wanted.

expatinscotland · 13/09/2008 00:17

and what i object to is not giving a couple a gift, but being requested told to give money as a gift.

expatinscotland · 13/09/2008 00:18

nope, not a thing, pucca. got lots of nice cards which we kept and scrapbooked.

FabioBigBangBlackHole · 13/09/2008 00:18

expat

On your wedding day, you pulled two blokes off at a park bench?
My, your dh is a broad minded fellow.

hatwoman · 13/09/2008 00:19

the whole point of wedding gifts is to help a newly-married couple with the expense of setting up a home. if a couple has got everything then asking for cash is, imho, vulgar and rude. the people I know who've got married at a stage in life when they had everything have asked for no gifts and/or donations to charity. one couple who were doing up a house on their own asked for B&Q vouchers - which I felt was in keeping with the idea of wedding presents, and in some cases cash for something specific might be (but not a jacuzzi ).

expatinscotland · 13/09/2008 00:19

he's all about a party, Fabio .

they were about to have their lunch, it was a nice day, and were wearing suits.

so i approached and said, 'excuse me, but would you like to be a witness in a wedding' (they were sitting outside the registry office).

Ambi · 13/09/2008 00:20

ah, yawn this old topic again.

Yes it's rude to ask for a gift, be it cash or otherwise. Therefore should you choose to gift the couple, then do so.

I'm afraid it will become more common place and therefore acceptable to request cash on occasions like this as it. You as the purchaser decide whether to ignore or adhere to their requests.

pucca · 13/09/2008 00:20

Well what happened with us, is once the wedding was booked and we started telling people and inviting people the general question was they wanted to give a gift, so what would we like? the thing is you don't want to offend people, but it is very difficult when people put you on the spot and say "what would you like?"... that is why we did the vouchers route.

Btw our wedding was a low key affair, mainly family, and we married in a registry office, and i didn't even think about gifts until people started asking, its a funny situation.

trumpetgirl · 13/09/2008 00:22

I think the problem is that marriage is such an out-dated tradition, and noone gets married then moves in together anymore, so the whole wedding gift thing should have gone out of the window by now.
Actually, why the hell do people still get married?
Surely it's just a legal document to most people?

hatwoman · 13/09/2008 00:22

thumbwitch - I went to a wedding on Sunday and didn;t take a gift. and I know I wasn't the only person. there was no list, no mention of pressies, the couple are knocking 40 and prefectly well off. it was all very low key (the actual wedding being a sneaky register office affair a few weeks previously). going to a small party and wishing them well was all they wanted.

thumbwitch · 13/09/2008 00:31

hatwoman, that all sounds perfectly reasonable and acceptable - but I know full well (from many years of trying to persuade them not to give christmas/ birthday presents) that the majority of people I know and love (and who came to my wedding) would have been offended if I had said I wanted no gifts. And would have got me something anyway (as they do every christmas and birthday). And they would rather have guidance on what to get than have to think of something random that might not be appreciated (even though I would NEVER let on that it wasn't perfect).

Can't see what the fuss is about - if you don't want to give them money/ gift/ vouchers, then DON'T. It's not compulsory.

stickybun · 13/09/2008 00:40

Ignore it if you find it offensive - give cash if you don't. Personally think is rude but also think that some other cultures deal with things better e.g. greek(?) weddings (I think) where you pin money to the dress has an entertainment quality to me that seems somehow lacking in the usual way of asking for money. Another alternative might be to give them an 'experience' present voucher. At my sister- in -laws wedding we did a scrapbook. Each of the family chose a photo and we all had an arts n' crafts day at one house and compiled an album. each person had a photo and on the opposite page did an artistic impression of it. She is an amateur artist and a bit of an old hippy and loved it because we had got together as a family and done something unique. Very generous of her (she did get a 'proper' present as well tho' but it didn't cost much).

EyeballsintheSky · 13/09/2008 01:02

I thought gifts were for the recipient not the giver. So why would you give them something they don't want because you think they should have it if they have made a point of stating otherwise? If they want cash give them cash. You don't know what they might be saving for.

jasper · 13/09/2008 01:15

YANBU

Vulgar, greedy, rude.

Wedding gifts ( and all gifts ) have got out of hand.

When I first married, 95 years ago , noone had two pennies to rub together and every teatowel and chopping board given was genuinely appreciated.

Nowadays very few marrying couples want for anything so to ask for money because they already have everything beggars belief.

twinsetandpearls · 13/09/2008 01:17

I did this when I married my vulgar and rude ex husband and tbh I was not much better.

jasper · 13/09/2008 01:18

I can't believe anyone is offended by being asked NOT to give a gift.

Whenever this has happened to me I have been relieved and impressed at the attitude of the couple.
ANd had they been really close friends I would have given them something anyway

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