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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people who ask for money as a wedding gift are vulgar and rude!

283 replies

mimabear · 12/09/2008 23:45

I'm going to a wedding soon, the couple in question have lived together for several years and say they don't need anything, hence the request for money.
Now I don't mind buying from a wedding list or even giving gift vouchers, but the idea of giving hard cash (or a cheque?!) seems distasteful.
So much so that I'm not sure I shall go after all.
AIBU?

OP posts:
jasper · 13/09/2008 01:20

It's like saying
" we have got everything we need/want. Give us money so we can buy an unnecessary luxury because did we mention we already have all the stuff we need/want?"

solidgoldbrass · 13/09/2008 01:35

Some people are big on tradition and feel it would be somehow wrong to go to a wedding and not give any kind of gift. Quite a lot of people expect to give a gift at a wedding, but only a few silly couples demand to recieve gifts. So if the couple about to wed make no demands but if asked what they want for a wedding present say, oh, Woolworth vouchers if you insist, then surely everyone can do as they choose?
And I still maintain that the biggest selling point of the Oxfam Unwrapped type of gift is that they are such a magnificent smack in the mouth to give to people who have in some way annoyed you - 'Look! You pampered overpriviledged demanding greedy shitbag! Look how noble and charitable I am! Look how much better than you I am! Now feel guilty about having ever given the slightest indication that you think getting presents is nice!'

thumbwitch · 13/09/2008 01:36

well just because you "can't believe" it jasper doesn't mean that it doesn't happen, I'm afraid.

Tortington · 13/09/2008 01:47

I THINK THE SAME ABOUT WEDDING LISTS

feck off you'll get what your given shyte heads and bloody well be thankful you got owt

BadHair · 13/09/2008 01:54

When DH and I got married we'd been together 10 years and had already bought everything we needed. We didn't ask for anything, and didn't have a big wedding, but some people gave vouchers, which have been damned useful for replacing stuff when things broke.

TBH I'd have been very pissed off that someone would expect us to either have never bought anything and therefore need everything, or to accept their choice of toaster, kettle or whatever to keep in storeage for when we needed a replacement.

Most people have lived together before marriage nowaday so just as the pre-nuptial etiquette has changed so too has the wedding gift etiquette.

Let the happy couple have the start they need instead of the cosy, traditional ideas of crappy wedding gifts that probably won't get used anyway.

Tortington · 13/09/2008 01:55

well i got you a clock and you'll like it

Janni · 13/09/2008 05:33

If you can't bear giving cold hard cash, then gift vouchers can make you feel you've put a little thought into it, I suppose. I wouldn't have a problem with giving money. I'd be pleased to not have to go shopping and to know that I'm not buying something that will end up on ebay

Jeepney · 13/09/2008 05:38

I'd be happy for a couple to specify that they would prefer money, it takes all the hassle out of deciding what to get them. For this same reason I like wedding lists too.

Just becasue a couple specify what they want doesn't mean that they actually expect any of the guests to buy them anything. Just an "if you would like to get us something here is a list of things we would appreciate the most"

Also people put large items such as washing machines etc on the list becasue people sometimes like to club together to get something.

milkysallgone · 13/09/2008 08:18

I can understand why people would prefer money - hell I would! But it is just rude and vulgar to actually ask for money in stead of a gift and I wouldn't dream of doing so. Had a very close friend that did this. Actually we don't speak anyomore (not due to this, but I think it's indicative of the kind of person she is).

lizandlulu · 13/09/2008 08:29

i have not read the whole thread, but i am going to a wedding today where the bride and groom have asked for money.
the groom used to be a close friend of dh,but not any more,and i hardley know the bride.

i am stuck over how much to give them as £20 seems not enough but £50 seems waaay to much.

i dont expect the couple to stay together very long (another story) and i dont feel that i want to give my hard earned cash to them.

i could have bought them a lovely individual gift for mot much more than a tenner, but to give then £10 would insult them i feel.

AbbeyA · 13/09/2008 08:30

I have given money but that was my choice because I couldn't make it on the day and I didn't want to post bulky items. I wouldn't want to be asked for money, it is very rude. If they don't want presents because they have everything they could ask for donations to charity.

Lazarou · 13/09/2008 08:34

yabu

we asked for money or gift vouchers when we got married because we didn't need anything.
we also lived in a tiny flat, so stuff would have just cluttered the place up.
Some friends of ours also asked for money or goft vouchers.
Don't really know why it's any different to sending someone a wedding list.

OneLieIn · 13/09/2008 08:34

I think it's really rubbish to ask for money. I also am totally fed up of friends that have lived together for ages or couples who have loads putting together a ridiculously expensive wedding list and expecting their mates to buy from it.

Take one friend, they had an OUTDOOR PATIO HEATER on their list for £300!!! No joke.

There have only been 2 weddings I have been to where i thought the gifts were great ideas. (1) where we were all asked to put money towards a Trailfinders holiday and the couple went on honeymoon - they could not afford a honeymoon at all, so all their mates basically paid for a top one for them (2) where we were all asked to buy whatever we liked, no vouchers, no cash, no toasters.

Why is it when seemingly normal people get married, they turn greedy on a list??

singingtree · 13/09/2008 08:35

I never give money to people when they ask for it as a wedding present. It feels very wrong. The friends of mine who have done this have both been very comfortably off and tbh I don't think they particularly cared either way - I'm still friends with them years on

belgo · 13/09/2008 08:36

Asking for money on for a wedding is absolutely totally acceptable in Belgium. It's seen as

mrsruffallo · 13/09/2008 08:37

YABU
Better than unwanted gifts

fruitstick · 13/09/2008 08:37

I was always a bit sniffy about people who asked for money, especially those who clearly had enough of everything already.

However we did have some friends who didn't have much money (especially after they had paid for the wedding). They wanted to drive around France on their honeymoon and basically asked for cash towards their travel fund.

I didn't mind that at all and would far rather they had a great time on their honeymoon than a teapot or a couple of plates.

I also went to a Greek wedding where we all had to pin £20 on the bride's dress. Now there's a tradition that needs to catch on!

belgo · 13/09/2008 08:39

pressed post too soon!

It's seen as a very practical solution, and makes it so easy for the guests to know what to buy.

It's also normal to ask for money when a new baby is born - often money for something very specific - I've known someone to ask to go towards a cart to go on the back of a bike to carry children around in- and it's also popular to ask for a donation to a specific charity.

Lazarou · 13/09/2008 08:40

We used our money on our honeymoon. We went to Center Parcs and then stayed in hotel in cambridge, and we have never been well off.

I'm obviously a greedy, money grabbing, rude and vulgar person.

notsoteenagemum · 13/09/2008 08:40

YABU its not rude, when people get married nowadays if they don't have a list or ask for money then the majority of guests phone and ask what they would like.
Dh and I asked for honeymoon contributions we got lovely luggage, a digital camera, travel guides, vouchers for clothes, and cash, as well as a few keepsakes and a lovely Dualit six slice toaster.
We'd lived together for 8 years before we got married.
HOWEVER YANBU if they asked for cash with one of those cheesy, tacky poems. They make me want to vomit and rush out to chintz R us and buy them something to match their obviously hidious taste.

keevamum · 13/09/2008 08:41

I'd just like to add in my and my Dh's wedding we specifically asked not to have presents or money as we had most things from years of living together. However, we were not showing off in the least we had most things through necessity not beautiful things but things that would do, DH had just been made redundant as well. However, we still really didn't need people spending money on us and we requested their prescence as our present. Obviously a lot of our friends wanted to give us something anyway and we were inundated with money from friends. I really meant it though that we didn't want it we just wanted them to come. So I agree it's vulgar to ask, if people wish to bring/give something they will do it anyway.

traceybath · 13/09/2008 08:42

We didn't have a wedding list when we got married. Close friends/family gave us nice things and yes we got some 'interesting' stuff but hey - that was fine too.

Did get given a lot of money though which was rather nice but quite unexpected.

I suppose for people i don't know well a list is easy although hate the fact they know exactly how much i've spent.

I'd just buy them something - they can't force you to give cash.

Upwind · 13/09/2008 08:42

YABU - no harm in asking, that is what they would prefer

If you'd rather give gift vouchers, crystal or a chintzy lamp, just do it!

swiftyknickers · 13/09/2008 08:45

glad your not coming to ours-seeting up a trailfinders list so people can put money in it so we can can go on our first foreign holiday in 4 years with our gorgeous son! we're going to vietnam for 3 weeks

cant bloody wait-i think all our friends who are coming to our 'cheap' wedding love the idea of helping us

glad you lot aren't my friends!!

Lazarou · 13/09/2008 08:46

I've never known anyone to demand a gift or money. USually, you put something like 'if you would like to give us a gift then something off the list/gift vouchers/cold hard dirty cash would be lovely.'