To think people who ask for money as a wedding gift are vulgar and rude!

[mimabear]

I'm going to a wedding soon, the couple in question have lived together for several years and say they don't need anything, hence the request for money.
Now I don't mind buying from a wedding list or even giving gift vouchers, but the idea of giving hard cash (or a cheque?!) seems distasteful.
So much so that I'm not sure I shall go after all.
AIBU?

here in spain you can have wedding list at El Corte Ingles, like selfridges or house of fraser. People choose things off the list and the bride and groom can then either have the item as an actual present or use the value of it to buy something else or put it all towards a honeymoon booked thru el corte ingles' travel section.
I think it's great. people think they are buying a present but the bride and groom can have the pressie or the money.

KVC, I assume this is before the change of law that means you both have to consent to a wedding? It stops surprise weddings, but also stops illegal immigrants marrying for a visa.

I tell you what. I hate invites where the wedding list is included, or where you are told the wedding list is held at John Lewis or wherever. Although I was forced into having a wedding list (which in hindsight I'm glad we did) my parents did not send it out with the invitations. We waited to be asked, and only then was the list sent. Anything else makes far too many assumptions IMO and is rude.

Its wrong wrong wrong.

My DB and now SIL were married in May. Second time round for them. They both earn ridiculous money and have a huge house with everything they need in it.

They did not have a wedding list (also imho pretty vulgar, although I know, its the done thing these days ) Anyway, they had about 50 people there, and received things like, lovely bottles of champagne, as they both like it. They had alot of cards, with such lovely things written in. They were given a few bits and pieces, all nice things, mainly from people that were not there.

It cost a fare amount to stay in the hotel they were married in, there so they just didn't expect it. We all ad a fantastic day and night, enjoyed the company, watching them marrying etc... which was enough for them ad eough for all of us really.

We got them a sat nav, VERY last minute as they had their first blazing marital row, on the way to where we were all meeting for lunch the next day. They arrived not speaking to each other... We slipped away, found a halfords and bought it. apparently there have been no map reading related rows since

So, I agree with all of you who've agrees with the OP!!! I also don't want to pay off someones debts when I've got my own to pay off!!
I do however want to find something special and unique that they will enjoy receiving. How much money you give is just a horrible concept. I might only be able to afford £10, and have a really nice gift for that money, for them. If I only give £10 to them, cash, in a card, it looks terrible.

YANBU

Its wrong wrong wrong.

My DB and now SIL were married in May. Second time round for them. They both earn ridiculous money and have a huge house with everything they need in it.

They did not have a wedding list (also imho pretty vulgar, although I know, its the done thing these days ) Anyway, they had about 50 people there, and received things like, lovely bottles of champagne, as they both like it. They had alot of cards, with such lovely things written in. They were given a few bits and pieces, all nice things, mainly from people that were not there.

It cost a fare amount to stay in the hotel they were married in, there so they just didn't expect it. We all ad a fantastic day and night, enjoyed the company, watching them marrying etc... which was enough for them ad eough for all of us really.

We got them a sat nav, VERY last minute as they had their first blazing marital row, on the way to where we were all meeting for lunch the next day. They arrived not speaking to each other... We slipped away, found a halfords and bought it. apparently there have been no map reading related rows since

So, I agree with all of you who've agrees with the OP!!! I also don't want to pay off someones debts when I've got my own to pay off!!
I do however want to find something special and unique that they will enjoy receiving. How much money you give is just a horrible concept. I might only be able to afford £10, and have a really nice gift for that money, for them. If I only give £10 to them, cash, in a card, it looks terrible.

YANBU

susie, I did something similar for my sister. She was about to go on Honeymoon with no camera! I had taken her to Argos to buy a watch and jewellery as her 21st present with the view for it being her wedding present (she did the same for me). As I didn't want her to know I had to pay out a lot of money from my rather tight (in the empty sense) pocket as we only got the Argos card when I got her things so couldn't add anything else till it arrived).

I think gift lists are fine if you want to buy something practical but if you want something personal that isn't going to be repeated 10 times then you can buy your own. It was how I planned my lists - I had them at two different places and had gifts from silly small amounts so children could give something if they wanted to, to large amounts. I didn't expect anything, but it gave people ideas if they wanted to get something practical. I had this debate with my grandmother who had my wedding present bought before I was in double figures. She thought it was me saying what I must have, but I didn't mind at all what people wanted to get and if they wanted to get something personal then that was fine too. Next time I'm asking for no presents and just to hire clothes.

I don't see any problem asking for money. That money could be used to pay off the wedding or for things for the house or the honeymoon - whatever the couple wanted. I don't know why people get so upset about this kind of thing. Its their wedding - give them what they want and if you don't like that idea then buy them a present or give nothing at all.

What I think is rude is to tell someone that asking for money for a wedding gift is rude. Christ who cares about etiquette this is 2008 not 100 years ago!

We have bought of 2 separate wrapit lists and it looks like the couples will not be getting their presents so in future we will always be giving cash regardless of whether there is a list or not.

And as for OP's suggestion that the whole idea is so distasteful that they are thinking of not going to the wedding???? Get over yourself.

to who ever said - in many cultures around the world, givig money is normal... well, thats just it, "giving money" as your choice, or the tradition for your culture is absolutely fine. Its asking for money that is wrong.

LL - I think the charity donation is such a lovely idea. THat you can lok back at your wedding day and know you saved a few lives and had a good knees up, is not sanctimonious in the slightest. It's just plain, nice.

Just to clear up ( maybe) the debate about homo etc...

homo literally translated in Latin, does mean Man.
homo = man
sapien = Wise
So, homosapien literally translated means man - wise or, wise - man
However, in the actual scientific context, it simply refers to the genus Homo. You then get the species, which is in this case, sapien. Also, Homo erectus which was the first upright man There were also Homo Habilis ( not sure where they came in time scale) meaning Handy or Skill full man, and many more in the H. genus. So, the genus comes first, the species second ( the species being the descriptive bit)

It really doesn't mean Man as in Male. there is a difference. Like giving the species an umbrella term, really. If you listened to documentaries that told you of " when Man first walked the earth" you wouldn't think that it meant, only male's would you? You would take it to mean 'Man" i.e. upright beings containing XX or XY chromosomes, wouldn't you?

Hope that settles it a little bit.. or not... Its late, my brain doesn't work how it once did, and my memory of latin is long since passed... I do , sadly, have an interest in anthropology... so I do rembemer some basics especially about this ish... oh, and also, I didn't get my knowlegde from wikepedia I did learn it in my brain!

ok, I'll get me boring coat

macaco
That's interesting what you say about couples in Spain. We received an invitation to a Spanish wedding. The 'list' was contributions toward their honeymoon (flights, hotel) or the chance to give individual activities (local lunch). Was nowt under £150 on the whole list (don't know if cheaper stuff had gone to be fair.) The pricing was so bizarre - shouldn't something have been £154, even - that we did wonder if what was happening was they were getting the money and these were symbolic gifts. Some of the stuff, given the destination they were going to, couldn't have been that expensive either.

YANBU. Some people get round it by saying they are buying something "big", but really, how do you know how much is acceptable?

If they have everything, why do they need the cash? They could at least say it's a contribution to the honeymoon (which is what some friend's did recently, or for a bed, or whatever.

It is vulgar!

yanbu...very tacky.

I don't think it's unreasonable as long as there is an alternative. We had both - contributions to honeymoon for immediate family who knew that's what we would most appreciate, but a modest list as well for those that felt more comfortable doing that.

I think there should always be an alternative because I can see how just giving cash is not comfortable for some guest.

If they really have everything they need, in my opinion, they shouldn't have a list at all. Traditionally, that's what it's for - to set up a couple who are starting from scratch. Some friends of mine who married in their 40's did this - we all just gave to charity in their name.

tis tacky

and wedding list should be available to those who request it - not stuck inside the invitation.
Otherwise why not just sell tickets.

I hate going to weddings with no list - I would much prefer to have an idea as what to get,

and if they need nothing then better to ask for money (if needed) for something specific than get loads of rubbish presents

I was going to post on this thread and then I realised that I really must get out more.

YABU in my opinion - they are just being sensible. Unless you are very short of money (in which case they probably could use monitary gifts anyway) by the time you have lived together a few years you have bought everything you need or want.

I would much rather give someone money than buy them a present they dont want, the last person we gave money to used it on their honeymoon and the memories of the good time they had there are worth far more than the money and meant they didnt have to worry about the state of their bank account when they got back.

Of course if it COMPLETELY offends you then by all means buy them something they will either give as a present to someone else or to the charity shop.

Vulgar ?adjective

1. characterized by ignorance of or lack of good breeding or taste: vulgar ostentation.
2. indecent; obscene; lewd: a vulgar work; a vulgar gesture.
3. crude; coarse; unrefined: a vulgar peasant.
4. of, pertaining to, or constituting the ordinary people in a society: the vulgar masses.
5. current; popular; common: a vulgar success; vulgar beliefs.
6. spoken by, or being in the language spoken by, the people generally; vernacular: vulgar tongue.
7. lacking in distinction, aesthetic value, or charm; banal; ordinary: a vulgar painting.

Erm... where does giving money as a present come under any of these definitions? Taste is subjective, after all.

or is it the MN definition - something I don't approve of and find personally offensive (for whatever reason)

I'd go with definition no.5 myself - current, popular, common and feel happy that I could get my friends something they could make use of, rather than come on an internet forum and sneer about them.

And I say that as the proud owner of a moo-ing cow-shaped biscuit barrel, four cake slices and a £5 voucher for a shop so eye-wateringly expensive it would have cost that just to step inside and breathe the rarefied air...

Personally I think it's the height of arrogance to think you know someone's taste better than they do and deeply inconsiderate and rude to ignore their wishes. OP, if it offends you that much, don't go, you can't be much of a friend to them.

If they don't need anything why are they asking for money?

the op is not about whether giving money ( if you know the person is saving for somehing) is vulgar.
The op is about people who ASK for money.
Which is very different

The wedding I went to we were told money would be appreciated if we didnt mind.

I dont see how asking for money is any more vulgar than giving a list of things to buy say from John Lewis. If you are gifting money you give what you can afford or are willing to part with...if you get the list after everyone else has had it then chances are you will be left with the most expensive gifts

The thing is though ultimately if you dont want to give money then get a gift - I loathe buying gifts for people because it really matters to me that I get something they like or need. I also appreciate that something I may think is the ultimate in taste the person I buy it for may loathe.

I certainly wouldnt veto a wedding because someone had requested money...unless it were a wedding I actually didnt really want to attend anyway!!