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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people who ask for money as a wedding gift are vulgar and rude!

283 replies

mimabear · 12/09/2008 23:45

I'm going to a wedding soon, the couple in question have lived together for several years and say they don't need anything, hence the request for money.
Now I don't mind buying from a wedding list or even giving gift vouchers, but the idea of giving hard cash (or a cheque?!) seems distasteful.
So much so that I'm not sure I shall go after all.
AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsThierryHenry · 13/09/2008 16:19

Hear hear, thumbwitch . I agree, most people want to give a gift of some sort - it's like having a wedding with no sort of reception at the end. It's all part of the celebration and most people want to do it.

bossykate · 13/09/2008 16:31

oh fhs littlelapin

bossykate · 13/09/2008 16:34

yes, you do come over as very sanctimonious. some of us like to make our charitable giving private you know.

bossykate · 13/09/2008 16:46

and finally because actually i am pretty cross now, i think you have a nerve berating me for responding here based on my own experiences when obviously the reason you are so chippy is because you feel personally got at by my opinion, which was expressed in general terms, not the ad feminam attack you have made on me.

and of course if i were to attend a wedding where charitable donations were requested i would follow the bride & groom's wishes, keeping my opinions private at least from them.

ScottishMummy · 13/09/2008 16:47

kate what is your beef?you are banging on and being a bit of an ole bully here.let it go - so difference of opinions.well dems da breaks

keeping banging on - most unbecoming

scaryteacher · 13/09/2008 17:05

'perhaps they have huge debts and would like to start married life a bit more solvent.'

That's their problem...and why I prefer to give a gift, rather than cash for an unspecified purpose. People have enough of their own debt without being asked to chip in to pay off someone else's. If that's why they want it - charge an entrance fee to the wedding.

MrsThierryHenry · 13/09/2008 17:11

God, scaryteacher, I'm glad you're not a friend of mine. Not into the 'supportive friend' role, I see?!

ScottishMummy · 13/09/2008 17:25

if asked for money i would comply

imananny · 13/09/2008 17:28

have to say I have been asked for cash and I dont like it, much prefer to get a gift or vouchers for a store

would hate to think that my gift of cash was then drank down the pub or spent on meal out etc

Elkat · 13/09/2008 17:28

Haven't got a problem with it myself. Tis the modern way. If I said something like (for argument's sake) 'I think it is vulgar and rude that some people have children outside of wedlock?' Then I bet I'd be shouted down for imposing my standards on another person and that it is their prerogative to do as they wish. Well, I think the same is true here. People should be free to do what they want without being judged - particularly as it doesn't do any harm. Horses for courses and all that. Live and let live, I say.

Its the couple's choice to ask for money, and of course your choice not to give it. If you don't want to, then don't.

I also think that it many ways it is better than buying crap gifts that people don't need just for the sake of it... which after all, isn't great for the environment and a waste of my hard earned money. I personally begrudge buying people things that just end up down the charity shop. I'd rather my hard earned money was used for something that they wanted, than I spent out on something that just went down the charity shop and fetched just a fraction of what I spent (If that's going to happen, I'd rather just give the money to charity straight away). After all, when I am buying a present it is about the recipient would like, and its not about me and so I will buy what they want... whether that's a charity oxfam gift, a gift off a wedding list or hard plain cash... surely that is just manners too isn't it?

ScottishMummy · 13/09/2008 17:33

funny i would love to think of someone having a good bevvy and meal on my money.that would make me smile

imananny · 13/09/2008 17:37

one couple asked for TC vouchers/go into shop and ask for amount to be put on their account as they couldnt afford a honeymoon,and I didnt mind that

agree you dont want to buy a useless/not wanted gift and thats why wedding lists are good

least you buy what they want, thou you could be caught out if not all of the dinner set was brought - you would be buggered if you only had 2 plates and 3 bowls etc

ScottishMummy · 13/09/2008 17:41

i like wedding lists i know im giving something they want.would hate thought of unwanted/duplicate gift

TinkerBellesMum · 13/09/2008 17:43

I don't think people are making lists to make demands, the idea is that if you want to know what we need then here's a list we made. The list also tells you who bought what so you can thank them at the end without having to open carefully or sort through tags.

We're talking about a medieval wedding. We've both had our own homes for a long time and don't really need anything. We've found a company that will bring a dressing room to the venue so that the guests can choose something to wear and they also make sure that there isn't too many of one character around. It isn't expensive but we're putting some money towards it and asking guests to hire a costume instead of bringing gifts. If they can't afford the full amount they don't have to (as they can use the kitty) and if they can afford more and would like to they can pay more.

Soapbox · 13/09/2008 17:47

I almost invariably never give something off the wedding present list and definitely wouldn't give cash.

I almost always give the same gift a plain silver photo frame from Tiffany. I imagine that if they hate it then they can flog it on ebay!

Asking for cash is beyond grasping imo. The charity thing has its place but not at a wedding, again imo!

CostaRicanCod · 13/09/2008 17:48

plates are a safe bet
plates off the list

Chequers · 13/09/2008 17:49

You might not go to the wedding because they asked for money? You obviously don't like them much, you'd be doing them a favour to stay away with that attitude.

WideWebWitch · 13/09/2008 17:51

I agree that it's distasteful to ask for cash or a charitable donation and I think hatwoman puts it very well: the idea of wedding presents was to help a couple start out in married life, hence toasters etc and how we've gone from that to cold hard cash and charity donations is a bit odd imo.

The thing about a charitable donation is that it ISN'T giving something to the couple and isn't personal. And I think well, if I want to give to a charity I will (and do!) but why should I donate to a charity because someone's getting married? Why should I? It's just an odd concept isn't it? "My friend is getting married so I will hand over £100 (or whatever) to Battersea dogs home"

Why would you want to do that? Can't couples just say "we have everything we need, thank you so there is no gift list, we'd just like to invite you to come to our wedding" ? That's not so hard is it? I did it (twice!)

I can understand gift lists if you don't have everything you need and it allows people to choose something you like and want and they can afford (sometimes) but I find the cash thing a bit .

I have to say my sister recently asked me how I'd feel about a contribution towards her wedding instead of a gift list and I have NO problem at all with that, she and her partner are teachers, have a small baby and would like to get married but it isn't a priority financially. It seems to me to be much more in the spirit of a wedding gift for me to pay for something that will actually HELP them get married or some Champagne at the reception or something. That truly would be helping them set out in their married lives.

BuwchBywiog · 13/09/2008 17:58

OMG cry we'd discussed getting married in 2010 by then we'd have been together for 12 years (unless of course something happens don't want to tempt fate etc) we wanted a quiet registry service and then just a bit of a gathering for close family and friends afterwards. We thought no wedding list as we have everything we need, don't like the money thing as I agree its not really nice but we were going to say if people wanted to give a gift that we'd like donations to the childrens hospital that is responsilbe for saving DS life or to the Ronald McDonald House thats associated with it as thats a godsend too but seems that idea doesn't go down well with many either as they prefer to keep their charity giving private which is fair enough. I've seriously been put off the idea of the knees up after with all this gift politics though its just too much of a headache!

imananny · 13/09/2008 18:00

guess you can never have too many photo frames

look round her room and counts

Dear GOD - I have 32 in my living room

as www says contributing to wedding would be okish if it helps couple to get married

in the old days,where sex before marriage was fornwed apon you obv needed new everything to set up a home together, as no one lived in sin

belgo · 13/09/2008 18:00

Buwch - ignore all the politics, and do what you feel is right. Suggesting donations to a charity which is very close to your heart is a lovely idea.

littlelapin · 13/09/2008 18:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 13/09/2008 18:08

oh, so you have to give money to friends when they ask it?

if you can't afford a wedding, then WHY ask your guests to pay for it?

Soapbox · 13/09/2008 18:08

The point is LL, that it is a gift. And a gift to me is something of the gift giver's choosing.

WWW - somehow asking for direct help with the wedding costs seems a much more honest approach and I would gladly contribute to that kind of thing - pay for a photographer, give a case of champers or a wedding cake etc.

expatinscotland · 13/09/2008 18:10

this, in response to:
'God, scaryteacher, I'm glad you're not a friend of mine. Not into the 'supportive friend' role, I see?! '

since when did being a friend mean giving them money as a gift because that's what they want?

i don't necessarily agree with everything my friends do, and asking for money is one of those.

thankfully, i've never had a friend who would do this for their wedding. cuz it's tacky .