To think people who ask for money as a wedding gift are vulgar and rude!

[mimabear]

I'm going to a wedding soon, the couple in question have lived together for several years and say they don't need anything, hence the request for money.
Now I don't mind buying from a wedding list or even giving gift vouchers, but the idea of giving hard cash (or a cheque?!) seems distasteful.
So much so that I'm not sure I shall go after all.
AIBU?

WWW

Op asked I have read it and can't see the problem.

Scaryteacher, you seem to be assuming that everyone in debt is just like your friend. They're not.

We live in one of the most expensive countries in the entire world. We also live in a culture which drives people to consume to excess. Yes, we all have personal responsibility and that is a huge and crucial part of the picture, but also, yes we all f* up in our own sweet ways from time to time, even you. So that's why a more gracious attitude would make you sound more reasonable than you do.

Blimey, wasn't this meant to be a chat about wedding presents?!

I don't think that a list is necessarily a demand for a gift. It is giving people ideas of things that they would like so that they don't end up with 10 toasters. I've never known a couple to demand a gift or say that it must come from the list. Wedding presents aren't normally the small gifts that get given as birthday or Christmas presents and if I'm going to spend a bit of money on a present then I'd like to know I'm getting something they want/ will use that won't get put in a box in the backroom and never see the light of day for the next 26 years (how my uncle set himself up in home when he separated from his first wife).

We hated having to do a wedding list - it was so embarrassing. But we did, and we did suggest money as well as a list of small gifts. This was because we were skint and had absolutely nothing and there were loads of things we needed, like an iron, a vacuum cleaner, kettle, toaster, etc. We asked for money towards these, but found that many people actually bought the items which was too generous IMO. We were very grateful of course.

KVC - Your ILs arranged a wedding for you without consulting you? That is mental!

We're getting married next August, and I am toying with the idea of asking for travel vouchers so that we can get on honeymoon. Our wedding will be on a VERY small budget, we are already living in afamily home and have been together for eight years, we dont need replacement saucepans, but really DO need a holiday. Might be unreasonable, but people dont ahve to give if they dont want to!

Go for it, Luckygoat! I can't see there's anything wrong with that at all. Just don't invite Expat...

MTH, I quote you:

'You don't know what they want the money for, perhaps they have huge debts and would like to start married life a bit more solvent.'

I do not assume that everyone is in debt at all; however, I do not wish to give cash as a wedding present, and I think it is rude to ask for it. As I stated earlier, the solvency or otherwise (which you raised, see above) of the people getting married is not my problem or concern, and whilst I am happy to give a present, I am not happy to donate cash for their debts.

'yes we all f* up in our own sweet ways from time to time, even you. So that's why a more gracious attitude would make you sound more reasonable than you do.'

As you don't know me, I resent your assumption that I have fucked up in any way at all. I also don't need to have a 'gracious' attitude. My attitude (and it chimes with that of others on here, so is perfectly reasonable) is that I agree with the op that it is rude to ask for money as a wedding present. I would happily, as others have said, pay for champagne etc, or club together with others to get a more expensive present; but to me just forking over cash is lazy and rude and shows a complete lack of effort and imagination on my part.

I don't come on MN to sound reasonable, I come on to express my opinion - you have it as above.

These days I would far rather be accused of vulgarity or smugness than wastefulness, so if I were to get married again I would happily ask for cash/gift vouchers or donations to a nominated charity.

I would, however, feel sad to have missed out on the specially engraved trays and the multiple clocks.

scaryteacher did you really mean i dont come on MN to sound reasonable LOL do you come on to be wholly unreasonable

I despise vulgarity (except in the telling of a naughty story) and money-grubbing greed even more.

KVC - I really hope that your post was not embellished in any way because it may the one of the funniest/most surreal posts I've read on MN .

But how lovely for you to have 11 silver trays commemorating your special nonevent.

I come on to state my opinion. When I need lessons in 'gracious attitudes' and 'how to sound reasonable', I shall ask for them. However, to date, neither my nearest and dearest nor my friends seem to think there's a problem; nor have I yet caused any international incidents, so I shall carry on as I am.

I haven't even started to be unreasonable yet

as regards the OP - the accountant in me truly approves of people getting what they really want rather than a pile of pointless stuff. The normal person hidden inside the accountant does seem to be shreiking "NO! NO! NO! - tasteless and vulgar"

But I am ignoring that voice.

haven't read the whole thread, but in many places around the world receiving money is NORMAL - at our wedding we had someone in charge of taking the gifts and looking after them (again normal procedure) including taking a note of who gave money, and how much - so that we could thank them afterwards.

have to say i don't equate asking for money as wedding gift as avaricious/vulgar.

suppose the thing coming up on thread is the sentiment behind giving a present/gift vouchers differs from one being requested to give money?

i can see both side here. but don't mind wedding lists/cash probably because i am stingy canny and would rather whatever i gave was gratefully received and not another duplicate pressie

I think what might be bothering people is the lack of romance in asking for cash, rather than composing a couply wedding list or just accepting what people decide to give you.

I would have felt exactly the same 13 years ago when I got married, but now that my domestic title is 'Manager of Stuff', I would advise any bride to be to TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN!!

have also been asked to chose from wedding lists at shops were price is evident.so they set gift and price range.thus knowing what you spent anyway.is it so different from cash, as they know cash value of gift

yes the cash pinning!tell em more work with a Greek colleague who tells me this is massive (and fun too)

If anything about cash and weddings is vulgar, then it is the bit in the Godfather where the amount of money for Constance Corleone's wedding gifts is checked by Don Corleone to see that enough "respect" has been shown.

Outside of that I think there really isn't a problem unless it is "demanded" (have NEVER seen a wedding invite where DEMANDS for presents have been made) - but then I only get invited to weddings of friends and family and am usually pretty aware of their financial status, so if I thought they were taking the piss I would buy them something interesting instead.

It does seem rather arrogant to suggest that you, as a guest, know better than the bride and groom what present would be right for them. Really, not worth you turning up or bothering spending your money with that attitude.

It's vulgar.

KVC - cant beleive your inlaws tried to arrange your wedding

I still prefer to give a gift who the couple want/need rather than money which they will prob spend on crap

Least vouchers for a store will then hopefully mean they will buy something wanted from there, and if something exp like £100 metal bin as one of my friends wanted,then the vouchers can go towards that

or as i said we have brought vouchers at TC for their honeymoon, as well as cash for sil which i did but didnt like