to think mothers who stop contact with their fathers for no good reason other than they need to control are sad jealous manipulative f*ckers who need to get a grip and move and stop giving every other mother who have moved on a bad name

[jojostar]

it makes me so mad AAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH

I'm an ex wife so i think i have the right to come out all guns blazin and swearing has no one else done this on this site??? Try watching your dsd's hearts ripped out then post something reasonable.....

Blimey Rhubarb - she didn't take you to Cardiff did she? My ex's mother did exactly the same thing to him. It was dreadful - I don't think he ever got over it properly

I don't know why people have to get so angry about a small group of mothers being bad-mouthed. The title is quite specific - it mentions mothers who stop contact "for no good reason".

And straight away, people have to jump in with "oh, yes, really?" and mutterings about delusional (and deluded) second wives.

Most mothers would do anything to make their children happy, but sadly some mothers do the opposite. Just as the majority of fathers would do anything to make their children happy, but a minority walk out/don't turn up for contact/don't pay maintenance.

Just where wa the OP supposed to rant? or is she supposed to keep it all contained because she is a second wife? not speak up because she is talking about something that goes against most of our mothering instincts?

She's already explained the title. You all understand the general point she is trying to make. Tearing little holes in this argument into bigger ones serves no purpose.

It may have been awkwardly put but I get where she is coming from. And yes, it is something that is largely ignored by society because a bad mother is still a taboo subject by many.

There will be some mothers who are like that but they will be n the minority.

It was a very ill thought out post and if it had been worded differently you would have got support.

I know my ex husband went arounf telling people I was a wailing banshee who was out of control who was trying to sstop him from seeing his kids. The truth was he was a bully with a drink problem who had kicked his family onto the streets and paid maintenece when he felt like it. He told his new partner this long story, she is now only realising what the truth as he does to her and their son what he did to my daughter and I all those years ago,

I am sorry I think the title was badly chosen and pointedly for a reaction - if the story is exactly as told then of course it is very sad and wrong
I still think there are 2 sides to every story - when I first discovered my H's affair - I screamed and shouted like a banshee and said I was back off home (to South Africa) with DD1 and he would never see us again - ONCE I said it once in 2 years of lies and cheating and abuse - I have gone out of my way to let him see his DD's no matter the hurt to me and never ever ever stopped him talking to or seeing his DD's always on his terms He has used that one comment against me over and over again There are ALWAYS 2 sides to every story !

I am seeing this happen right now with my SIL and her relationship. The Mum left my SIL's partner and shacked up with someone else. She had no problems whatsoever with access if anything she was overly generous until SIL came on the scene. Now she threatens that all contact will be stopped and SIL's partner won't see his child if SIL is around and quizzes the child when he comes home to check that SIL wasnt there.

I must admit though that sometimes I do sympathise with the fact that it is usually taken for granted that the man will be the one to leave when the relationship breaks down. My H and I have deep problems and when I have told him to move out he said "Why dont you move out, why dont you not get to live with your kids because our marriage has broken down?" The thought had never occurred to me and it made me feel sick and terrified to even consider it. This must be how it is for many fathers.

However I also know someone who left his wife when she was 7 months pregnant with their second child and has to be taken to court repeatedly for maintenance and contact. He makes it clear that his dc are very low on his list of priorities. Tbh I think this is usually the more common scenario.

Yes there are two sides to every story, I presented you with two cases of abusive parenting by the mother of which I know both sides. The first concerned my brother in law's wife who I knew and I watched the whole sorry episode unfold. The other concerned my own mother.

I think the OP has offended a whole group of mothers with her title, which she surely regrets now. But I think a little understanding and forgiveness is needed here. Yes it was an ill-thought out title, but her point does remain and she makes a good point. That not all fathers are the bad dads they are painted out to be.

She's obviously very hurt and upset on behalf of her partner and has ranted. We've all ranted from time to time, we know how it feels to get so wound up, feel so helpless, so let down by others, so unfairly treated.

How many thread titles have you seen that swear and curse the fathers? Yet does anyone post on those in defence of the father? Does anyone dare say on those threads that there are two sides to every story? No they don't. Mothers who rant against fathers are generally met with sympathy and understanding. But should a mother rant against another mother, well that's just not on is it? Come on girls, you can do better than this.

Well my ex sees his son (possibly only because I forgive chose to ignore his shit parenting). He has got better of late, after I stopped contact for a while.Ds now has a bed and blankets to sleep in when he stays at his dad's house. His dad did attend his last school play (the first in 11 years). He has bought him a pair of shoes for secondary school.

He's fecking great. He does, of course have a daughter with his ex wife who he wont see (Oh sorry, he will, when he's ready). He told me he wasn't "allowed" to see her...but earlier this year his ex wife got in touch with me through a mutual friend begging for his address because she wanted him to see their child.

Two sides to every story I think.

my ex husband called me the mad bitch ex wife to anyone that would listen and most of the mums at school did cos he was shagging half of them behind my back.. however now they know I'm not a mad bitch bcos they know me... I had no bad feelings for dh ex wife at all and he never badmouthed her this has all happened infront of my face it is not second hand knowledge from him. I see the girls torn apart on weekly basis cos of these thing that are happening her quizzing them bad mouthing us both etc...I still dont get any support help money from my ex but i dont take it out on him by taking his children away cos that hurts them.....her side yes she is hurt her ex husband is happily married has a big house and new car we go abroad etc but that is cos we've worked bloody hard for it if she is hurting surely she can 'get revenge' make a point witout hurting her children...we all get hurt one way or another splitting up is horrible but the children suffering needlessly by either parent is not on and in our case its her doing it......

thanks rhubarb, i was thinking that too.....
shit dad.. a million ohh yeh mine is hers is they all are etc etc
shit mother...how dare you say that theres two sides etc etc....
funny that....I have always said not all mothers are it just pisses me off that the ones that are give us a bad press....

I think that what the op says is more common than everyone would like to think. (I'm not saying it is as common as when men have very little contact etc). Unfortunately the courts are bias towards the mothers even there is a decent hard working father there who wants to be involved in his childrens lives, but the hardhearted ex wife, does all she can to scupper it. My db has documented proof of a level of neglect towards his dc, but the court chose to remove some of his access visits on what his ex said and she had no proof - just wild accusations! It makes my blood boil!

Jo you made some fierce generalisation. got some flak back.posting that on aibu to be expected-come on!your sure to rile post got a reaction.

ok so hopefully now proceed to a less high octane discussion

The initial response to the OP was very disappointing but unfortunately typical of Mumsnet. Of course these mothers exist. Why assume the OP is talking about single mothers? What about the mothers out there who initiated the break up and went off to get married to another bloke. You think they still want their ex in their lives, messing up their new "family life"? Of course not.

So my DH has an ex who has his children calling her husband "Dad", who never volunteers any information about their health or education, who changes plans like the weather and makes no effort whatsoever to help DH maintain contact. Anyone who denies that mothers like these exist is kidding themselves. And yes, it is ALL about control.

I think these women are quite rare and you would need to hear both sides really. However, MIL didn't let DH see his dad (although she accepted maintenence even when she remarried) and told him about his affair etc and made him feel guilty. She is hugely controlling and jealous though in general. The only people I know now who are bitter about access are the new girlfriends of men with kids. I think it happens on 'both sides'. I hope if DH and me split it would be civil as I strongly believe both parents should be involved and put their grievences aside although it may take a while if there has been affairs or new partners paraded on access visits (not saying that is the case for the OP just in general IMO).

I think ds's father told everyone I stopped him seeing ds.

the truth was, I was told by someone else that hew as actually living with a new partner, this was when I thought we still had a chance - he had just about admitted he didn't want to be with us any more, but been really dishonest and lied to me for a while - so I was in shock and very upset.

I couldn't face him visiting after what he had just done, it was making the atmosphere awful, I was feeling sick the whole time and before visits and just couldn't function. It was awful for his other children and ds and everyone really.
So I asked for 2 or 3 weeks to get my head together, which I did - then rang him, only to be told he would come and visit again 'when he was ready', this turned into 'when I'm settled' and eventually I heard he had married the new partner, was completely settled as far as one can be, and by this time the countless messages I had left on his mobile number were not getting through because he had changed it.

He never gave me an address or number for where they lived, but i found out, and last year turned up there to invite him to see ds. He refused, basically.
It was pretty obvious that the wife had been told I prevented access when in fact I had almost begged him to see ds.

He did tell other people that he had given up trying to visit because i made it so hard.

He was the one who would turn up late every time, chop and change at the last minute, this was for the couple of months he was visiting.

He kept saying he didn;t understand why I wouldn't let him jsut take ds off without me. This was a 16 month old baby, who had never even lived with his father - just visits every week or so, he never lived with us, ever. ds didn't know daddy well enough to be left with him, plus daddy used to lie about where he took ds, for instance one time he said 'we'll be at the swings' and I followed about 5 minutes later just to see and of course they were not there

This happened twice and then I insisted I went with them. Ds cried all the time we were out one day, wouldn't let daddy near him and I had to carry him round town as he was upset. Daddy said it was only because I was there that he was crying. And that if I went home, he'd be fine.

I also had no idea where the man lived, he refused to give me a contact number, so I didn't see how he could insist I let him have my child for two hours when I hadn't a clue where he was. There was utterly no respect for me as a mother or ds as a child who was attached to his mother and barely knew his father. Ex just expected ds to behave as though he knew and loved him, when in fact he hardly understood who he was.

rant over, sorry..

Have I read the same OP as everyone? I understood that OP was angry with people that did cut off communication with their children's fathers and not those that didn't.
You're spot on, tough shit if Mothers who have been cruelly left by their horrid or nice H's to take care of the children and have crappy weeks and Daddy comes in and saves the day, all superhero and the like, it is wrongwrongwrong to deprive the children of seeing their father. So Daddy gets the new wife and the best of the children? It shouldn't matter how he gains or loses, it should be about children having access to both parents.
Now I cannot say I would feel like doing this if my DH left tomorrow, in fact I would wish every amount of pain and suffering uponhim and would love for him never to have the joy of his children again!! But I couldn't do it to my children, ever.

Nothing wrong with involving a new partner, especially when ex has re-married.

Ive stopped contact twice. For mainly the same reasons:

Ds's dad letting him down, turning up late (I've watched my son crying at the window for two hours when he didn't turn up). Refusing him food at his house, refusing him bedding. Not being arsed to even buy him a birthday card, completely ignoring him when he feels like it for weeks/months on end.

But you can bet he cries his pathetic arse off to his new bride (who has known him less than two years) about how nasty I am. In the same way he did to his ex wife (until he did the same/worse to their child), and lets not forget the one before her who finally woke up and realised he was full of it...she ended up being my friend and looked after my ds for 6 months while I worked. She even admitted to me she thought I was a complete cow until she actually realised what was going on!

Im sure that type of mother op refers to exists but I personally haven't come across one yet. I have however, come across many lying fathers who make their ex out to be the bitch from hell when she really is not. Just offering an alternative view I suppose.

But where do you draw the line ..how many times can you stand by and watch a child destroyed because daddy said he was coming but never showed...

What if your children did not have a bond with him?

If they had hardly known him in their lives?

I am not saying trhat I woluld not like ds to have access to his dad, but it sure made it hard to allow without my being there as well...you know your baby really well and if you hand him over to someone who doesn't, the baby will be upset.

There has to be a balance.

I think ds would cope reasonably well if he got to know his dad now...he is five...but even now he would struggle.

Before now it would just have been impossible really, as communication betwene me and his dad was so absent, respect so lacking - there was no way I would trust ds to a virtual stranger iyswim.
Control does come into it then and i think rightly so.

If I thought his father gave a toss about what was best for him, was willing to listen to me when I explained what ds prefers, what he will eat, his habits, his needs - or had taken the time before we split, to get to know ds properly so that these things were known to him and he understood ds well enough to have care of him - then not such a problem.
but when a man doesn't bother to try and get to know his child, has other priorities, ds is clearly at the bottom of the list - then the whole thing smacks of an ego trip for the father.
'Ooh look at me with another child, who loves me' - it wasn't about ds at all.