to think mothers who stop contact with their fathers for no good reason other than they need to control are sad jealous manipulative f*ckers who need to get a grip and move and stop giving every other mother who have moved on a bad name

[jojostar]

it makes me so mad AAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH

[ShyBaby]

Wannabe, I for one am not disputing that these women exist. Im sure they do.

But I can only post from my own experience, otherwise I would be a big fat liar.

[FairLadyRantALot]

HM..DID YOU MEAN MOTHERS THAT STOP CONTACT WITH THE FATHRES OF THEIR KIDS?
sorry caps lock...

[jojostar]

yes

[pookybear]

Jojo These type of ex's do exist ..My dh loved his children and was denied access in order to punish him for being happy with me. She deliberately tried to make his and my life as difficult and as strained as it was possible with regard to holidays and visits, denying us if she thought we wanted them and pushing them on us if she thought we wanted to go away alone. She refused to allow them to be bridesmaids at our wedding and then moaned to all and sundry that they were excluded She was vindictive, violent and crafty and used her children as a weapon to great effect. He was never allowed to pick up the children if I was there, I had to be dropped off in the village and stand in a shop doorway until he returned with them. We travelled hundreds of miles in a day because she insisted on having them returned when it suited her and he did it all because he wanted and loved his children. I emphathize completely you have my love and best wishes.

[jojostar]

thanks for the smile monkey trousers it made me smile....

[FairLadyRantALot]

anyway...mtter of the given situation... if father not interested/abusive..have they got rights....and those that don't support

[misi]

if a male is told/shown from an early age that a fathers role is secondary and when separated, is just as a cash card, then obviously that will perpetuate itself. we have 100's of thousands of children being told/shown this right now which is being stored up for the next generation.

education and a rapid change in the status of parents will go someway to alleviate this for the future. as for now this is a difficult thing as too many fathers have been told they are useless already and the system does not allow fathers to be active post separation. take me for example. pre separation I was main carer, i had to do it but more importantly I wanted to do it. but the law was stacked against me after separating, in my case, my ex was the useless lazy good for nothing parent yet the law still gave my son to her on a plate. why? because I was a father and she was the mother. that sends a message to me that I am not considered worthy as a parent and sent to my son that his mother is more important than me even though I was the one who had nursed him, fed, bathed him, wiped his nose, changed his nappy, cuddled him when crying, rocked him to sleep when fractious.
personally I would make it an offence to go against a court order by any parent whether it is the first class mum or second class dad. at the moment even with a shared res order, if my ex decides to stop contact, the police won't act and I have to go to court, she gets a telling off for breaking the order and told not to do it again or dad gets punished by having contact reduced because the current order ''is not working''.

so overhaul the legal system, educate both parents and children that both parents matter and stop linking contact and money, the biggest hinderance to good parenting

[Monkeytrousers]

BUT, for the sake of the girls you MUST find a way to get on! If the girls are what you are worrid about.

Even IF it is that the birth mother is lonely and angry at witnerssing your happiness together, you could you be gratious about that? After all, you are teh winners.

There was a poster on MN not so long ago saying 'oh I have fuckied it all up, I thought leaving DH would be goo dbut 7 years on I just realise what a idiot I was'.

People go through phases. If she;s jelous be a bit flattered, not angry by that. Maybe showing her a bit of understanding might turn this around..what have you got to lose??

[Monkeytrousers]

But I accept I might be talking shite

[Surfermum]

I don't think that's the case Aimsmum. I don't feel BM is used to undermine, it's used simply as an acronym and newbies on here don't realise that it can offend.

[FairLadyRantALot]

my mother never stopped my father...nevre talked bad about him...he was envious of her new dp/than dh....thinking she made me go against him...but no..\\\\\\\\\\\\\\i rreakised that a father is on paper, a dad is there for yoiu!

However, once he divorced my mum he also divorced us [sad[....hurt me more, much more, than my biological Dad not being there

[jojostar]

haha your not talking shite We know shes fucked up and she knows we know shes fucked up I've tried staying out of it, tried to help, smiled, detached, attatched its insane we try not to mention her but not ignore her...blah blah you've a lovely smile by the way haha...it just keeps coming round and now tuesday nights have stopped whats next you'll never see them again because your happy and i'm jealous..

[jojostar]

misi and fairladyrantalot I really feel for you both (((HUGS)))

[Surfermum]

Ummmm yeh you are, Monkeytrousers and you just used the phrase "birth mother" .

Actually, it's not shite, you're right. BUT it is extremely difficult to try to get on with someone and be gracious if they are having none of it and they refused to communicate.

[misi]

monkeytrousers, not shite, reality that is hard to do unfortunately. the nicer I am to my ex, the more nasty she becomes, when she had a cancer scare at christmas, I halted all court actions and came to help her out at work and home, we got close again not romantically but friendly, I even hugged her when she wanted me too because she really looked like she needed it, (her family not close and never came to help or support) meanwhile she was plotting to defraud the company, move 150 miles away and leave me to loose my house because of the debts she ran up and she needed time to prepare and she did this whilst under threat of cancer!!
but I keep trying even now but there is only so much you can do and carry on for so long.

[FairLadyRantALot]

lol, past caring as such...but cynic about the whole dad-input thing....despite me aNd dh being married 13 years today......

[ShyBaby]

jojo, you're not really helping yourself by saying the mother of your dp/dh's children is "fucked up"?

[mamazee]

here here surfermum. i too watch my dp go through horrendous torment.
it has opened my eyes.
i believe that my dp ex is still punishing him for leaving her 8 years ago.

i have been disgusted by her behaviour and there are SOOO many dads being vilified like this.

so so sad

[Pria]

Be honest no-one acts great in a break up, problem is when you have children the arguments can go on and on for years.

Agree children should be not be held as bargaining chip by either parent. We do not own our children have to be shared by both parents (as long as neither is weird maniac)Times I have wanted to do v. unpleasent things to ex,... oh I have, but none involving the children as weapons!

[scaredoflove]

Why does this always get turned around....some mothers are nasty, we aren't all fair minded.

Why can't people accept that there are mums out there that withold access from perfectly good fathers? Not all absent dads are deadbeat, not all have lost a marriage from their own doing. Just because some of you have crap exes, doesn't mean they all are

This thread is nasty, to the OP I hope you and your partner manage to resolve this somehow. Kids grow up and as adults they will see how each parent is and recognise which parent was the better one, I wish you all well

[MadameOvary]

I should show this thread to DP - he was very hurt by the breakdown of his marriage but can see his kids whenever he likes. Ex couldn't be nicer to me and even invites us for Xmas.

DP the total opposite of a deadbeat Dad - gutted at having to leave the family home.

Sadly there are people out there who ARE screwed up and must exercise control in the most destructive way possible. Mothers AND fathers do it. And because they cant see how this will impact on their children, the effect it will have on them for possibly their whole life, makes me want to rant too.

[UmSami]

Jojostar...UANBU...you're right, mothers like this don't deserve to be called mothers (no I'm not a girlfriend/second wife, I'm my husbands first wife, we share 1 dc and have another on the way...I am however, a child of divorce), in the same way that fathers who intentionally hurt their kids, or don't see their kids for 'no good reason' don't deserve to be called fathers.

Sadly both scenarios happen, and neither is forgivable.

Any selfish choice that a parent actively makes and thus hurts their child is completely unforgivable...parents are parents no matter mum or dad, and each has something different to offer...the ideal situation is that a kid has both parents, regardless of together or apart. Divorce is the end of a marriage, not parenthood...why do so many people miss this because of their own hurt.

I also don't think you are being unreasonable to have a rant here, why don't you have the right?

Can everyone stop for a minute and pat you on the back for obviously caring so much about your dsd's, that seems to be whats fueling your anger. Surely they are lucky girls to have a step mum who loves them too.

Yes I'd be hurt to see someone else 'mothering' my child, yes it would rip me appart...but I'd rather have him be loved than unwanted or resented...

As for two sides to every story...yes there are...and i'm sure that both sides have valid points(or at least believe they do)...but your original post wasn't about your story...it was about selfish mums who put their own games first...UANBU

[jojostar]

shybaby I didnt mean she was fucked up in the head kinda thing .It was the answer to a previous post about an ex knowing she had made the wrong choice leaving him and realised after 7 yrs 'she had fucked up' soz bout that.....never said it out loud

[piratecat]

i think the op's thread title is totally self explanatory.