to think mothers who stop contact with their fathers for no good reason other than they need to control are sad jealous manipulative f*ckers who need to get a grip and move and stop giving every other mother who have moved on a bad name

[jojostar]

it makes me so mad AAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH

me judgemental My God..... I was a single mother for 5 years on benefits with a then 3yr old and 3mth old cos my sorryarsed ex husband was abusive and couldnt be arsed to keep his dick in his pants the police had to put a restraining order on him I know what a relentless lonely heartbreaking shit slog it can be to be a single mother but is any of that my childrens or his new partners fault NO its not and i wouldnt and havent taken it out on them either. She is portrayed as a bitter ex wife because she is one. i came along 10mths after she left with another man after a 10mth affair taking my dh girls with her and even after we have had the girls at every available opportunity and done everything she has asked because he is happy and the girls are happy and she isnt she is making them unhappy by denying them seeing their father. there is no good reason for it....I said I was sick of sad jealous manipulating f*uckers who havent moved on giving the rest of us mothers a bad name I didnt say all ex wives or mothers who have seperated were the same. I am an ex wife and I couldnt give two shits what my husband is up too as long as the kids are happy and looked after so i leave him alone why cany she do the same.......

No I'm sorry, the women that the op are referring to do exist. Dp's ex is dangerously selfish and has been wilfully destructive to her own children in a pathetic attempt to hurt dp. Two of her children now live here as she has totally rejected them. She and she alone is responsible for untold emotional damage, they are growing into lovely adults in spite of her, not because of her.
Just because someone gives birth doesn't make them automatically decent.

it's not beansmum - what happens when the OH is abusive - I certainly would stop contact if my EX played the same games with my DS as he did with me. to abuse me is one thing, to abuse my child will NEVER happen I won't allow it.

Of course Jojo YANBU, sadly my DP and I see this happening to fathers all the time.

The worst case I saw was of a dad who believed in justice but after 3 years going through the family courts trying for contact with his beloved kids was reduced to a 5 stone lighter, stammering wreck for the final hearing. His ex has repaetedly broken court orders. He literally could not speak and had to get his lay legal representative speak for him, with the judges permission. Finally the judge saw sense and granted shared residence. The guy went to pick up his kids as per the court order a week or so later. He got to the house only to find it empty. His ex had moved with the kids to a place unknown.
A few days later his girlfriend found him dead, he had killed himself.

Jojo that's a bad story but be strong and keep fighting x
With the right guidance you can get through this.

I think you'd get more sympathy if your OP had referred to your specific situation and not used generalised language which implied that this is a widespread problem. It isn't, but deadbeat dads would like us to believe it is.

spandex - I don't understand your point.

Caveat I am of course not implying your DH is a deadbeat dad (one has to be careful about language use on MN)

I think a lot of mums have had bad, very bad, experiences with partners who break promises, don't give them any financial assistance, use the children as blackmailing tools and so on.

It's a lot more common that way than the other way round, but I understand the point the OP is trying to make.

My brother in law, lovely guy, worked hard for his family. Had 2 little 'uns with his wife. Relationship had problems so he suggested Relate, twice, which they both attended. He doted on his kids, took his wife out for meals, arranged babysitters and she was even able to go off for a few days on her own every now and then. Mr Ideal he was. Then without warning, she told him she no longer loved him and said he had 2 weeks to leave the marital home, the house he had worked on nearly every day since they bought it and was really a work of art due to his skill.

She said he could read stories to the kids every bedtime, but she soon stopped that. He later found out she was planning to have an affair but the other guy said no.

She has told their children that their dad is a horrible dad who doesn't give her any money and would let them all starve. Yet she got the house, half his business and a substantial amount every month.

She moved house with the kids to over 100 miles away and expects him to pick them up every other weekend and every school holiday and drop them back off. She'll phone at the drop of a hat and demand he have them. He does so because he loves them and he knows what they have to put up with at home, which is a screaming, hysterical banshee who smacks them, threatens them and so on. She even said that if they said they had a good time with their dad she'd smack them.

So yes, I do sympathise with the OP, this does happen and you'd be an idiot to think it doesn't.

I don't know why women all jump on someone who points this out. It's hardly feminism to defend this type of mothering is it?

I have 3 friends who have split from their dps /dhs.

All are very accomodating to their ex partners when it comes to supporting the fathers continuing contribution in bringing up their children. One of my friends really has to work at getting her ex to see the children frequently enough (he's is always too tired / stressed - bless ], another even goes on short holidays with her ex-dp for the benefit of the children (that woman is a saint)..so, whilst I'm sure there are some obstructive selfish mothers out there, I would have to be convinced that it isn't a tiny minority.

Most mums surely want the best for their children - even if they loathe their ex...

try familys need fathers website this IS a wide spread problem...I didnt get chance to say anything else b4 people starting jumping on my back....how long can a title be?

sorry I miss read your post I didn't read the no reason bit you'd written here

'I suppose it would be fair to call a woman who stops contact for no reason a fucker.'

They do exist, and it's awful to watch the man you love sit in tears, heartbroken, because his ex wife/partner has decided to withdraw access just because she feels like it.

Yes I live with him, have heard most of the conversations between them (at his request), we have done everything she has asked, swapped/done extra weekends so she can go away with her DP, and yet occasionally she will still just stop access.

If you don't mind I won't try that website - I imagine that members share personal experiences on there? - if so, how is one to tell if they are giving a balanced version of events and not a one sided argument omitting certain important facts?

bratnav - I am sorry to hear that. Must be very difficult indeed.

And as for propaganda, dss had to suffer the indignity of going to a casual friends house where the friends mum started having a go at him for how badly his mum had been treated by everyone and how he was disrespectful to her. This is all fabrication. Dss told the woman she was mistaken and left. He was dreadfully upset.

Fathers 4 Justice has nothing to do with Families Need Fathers.
Apparently F4J is no more again until Matt O'Connor gets bored again and launches it once more.

deepinlaundry most mothers but not all and the not all are to whom i am refering 2...

It is nowhere near as widespread as the non-payment of maintenance. Or the voluntary total withdrawal from their children's lives (as in the case of my xp.)

To say nothing of fathers who persistently break the terms of contact by turning up late (not just because of traffic, we're talking between 2 and 24 hours late), bring the children back late, don't feed them properly, ignore them while they're there, dump them on their mothers or their new girlfriends while they go out drinking, and otherwise emotionally abuse them.

Nobody is going to argue that these blokes are justified (well actually scrap that, lots of men are) just as nobody is going to argue that women who deny contact "for no good reason other than the need to control" are OK. So why do a thread in AIBU about it? Of course you're not BU. YABU to start a ranty thread which you know will piss off a large number of women on the board who are probably having the same kind of slander put about by their exes about them.

Can I just agree with everything littlebella just said and take myself off to a thread where I wont start getting angry?

where was i supposed to do the thread? my ex slandered me so what it was shit do i get arsey about no cos its rubbish perhaps mumsnet should have a rant option

YANBU (though could have expressed yourself better!)

I have seen it first hand with my DH and his ex,

she has regularly stopped contact for a time period when DSS was younger for absolutely no good reason other than jealousy (of our lives; it happened when DH got a new job, when we got married, when we had DS1 and then DS2)

My DH has always fought to maintain contact, he has always paid maintence, he has never missed a pick up/been late etc. and is a good dad even in her opinion.

She has said to me when drunk 'well If you ever split you know the law is all on our side'

I think women (or men) that do this to their ex's and to their children are behaviouring abhorently

JoJo your op is provocative and generalising too much swearing about maligned ex-partner mums

had you posted something like
my dp is a very reasonable father at the end of his tether because...

you would have got different posts

BUT come out all guns blazin lord mayorin about ex wifes and well......

I am also the product of a manipulative, controlling mother. She left my father when I was 9. I wasn't told. I was sat having dinner at school when I was taken away and put into a white van loaded with our things. I remember thinking that she had forgotten my tortoises.

We hardly ever saw our father after that. He never got over the shock of arriving home and finding us all gone, with most of the furniture. She never told him where we lived and we were ordered not to either. She made out that he was dangerous, evil and had done terrible things to her. I was petrified of him.

To insult him further, she even sent us with a turkey for him one Christmas, for him to have on his own.

I now know my father to be a kind and loving man who was abused as a child and abused in his marriage. I have a better relationship than ever with him and my relationshim with my mother had deteriorated. I now know what a pathetic figure she is.

Not all mothers have their children's best interests at heart, as much as it pains me to say it. A mother's betrayal is the worst imo.