AIBU to not want DH's family present when I give birth?

[ruthosaurus]

DH was present at our nephew's birth, to support middle brother and girlfriend, and wants his younger brother to be there as a backup (for him, not me) when I have our baby. I get on really well with YBIL but really don't want him to see me in the throes of labour/birth. It's my first child so I don't know exactly what to expect, but friendly advice leads me to believe it won't be the most dignified thing I ever do and I only want DH there. Plus I hear I may be [gasp] naked.

He did suggest his mum as an alternative . I also get on well with her, but I don't even want my own mum there. He also suggested having them waiting outside so that they are there if he needs them, but I'm a little unsure if I'm comfortable about that. But I do know it's not all about what I want, so am feeling guilty.

AIBU to deny DH this level of family support? I am dead keen to see everyone and introduce them to the baby when it's is safely here and I've had the chance to have a shower and put a clean nightie on.

What the bloody hell does he need support for???? Is he pushing a baby out of his body? Is he feeling contractions for hours on end ( won't mention how many hours ) is he actually going throught the physical demands of labour?

NO is the answer to the above. I realise men find it hard to watch the woman they love going through it all, but, it is his job, to support you, and that is all. It is your body, your choice about who you want there. it does't matter who he's supported in the past, or who he thinks he wants there.

It is probably the one and only time, you actually do get exclusive rights to decide:

what you want
when you want it
how you want it
who you want there.

I think your DH/DP needs to stop thinking about himself and focus entirely on you. ALSO, if they are sitting outside in the waiting room/reception, tey will be there for HOURS, they will also expect to "just have a little look" at the baby after you have him/her, and will interrupt those few precious precious moments with you new baby.

Put your foot down now, whilst you can. Please, you will regret it otherwise.

YANBU AT ALL

Good lord, you are not being at all unreasonable. You should get to choose who witnesses you completely losing your dignity (sorry, inevitable). I think it's probably okay to allow him to have them nearby, but it's up to you who gets to be in the room with you. Ultimately, it's about you, not him, he's not the one having to go through childbirth, which is, quite frankly, a very big deal. b

id hope that as a mum to 3 sons their wives/partners would welcome me to wait in the waiting room- the family that sticks together stays together,your baby is part of their family too.

chapstickchick - I'm a Mum to a DD (soon to be two DDs) and I certainly don't expect to be called if they are ever in labour, or expect to be in the waiting room at the hospital. It isn't about preferencial treatment of one set of grandparents against the other, this is about the wishes of the woman in labour. As it happens, the OP doesn't want her Mum there either (and neither did I).

PS ruthosaurus - glad that your DH has started seeing sense here.

That's good to hear Ruth - I actually wil probably have my MIL down as my second birth partner but only because 1)DP works in London, so it will take him a while to get back, So she can support me until he gets home 2) I really like and trust my MIL 3) My mum lives hundreds of miles away.

No WAY would I want BIL anywhere near, and TBH he would freak out if we were to ask him to be there. That's the weirdest thing, that they feel comfy with the idea I know some families are really close but that takes it a little too far!!

Chapstickchick, I'm going to go with the advice that it's my birth and the family can meet the baby later when it's had a chance to do some bonding with me. I'm sure the grandparents will get plenty of time with the little tyke later on but for me the first few hours are sacrosanct for new baby and parents to get to know each other. Plus, I'm sure all the grandparents (and there are seven of them, due to various divorces and second marriages) will be just as thrilled to meet it when it's 6 hours old as when it's 6 minutes old.

MrsTittleMouse, (and others!) thanks for the support! Seeing sense is probably the right description - I didn't want to give the impression that DH is some kind of Victorian monster and he is as keen as I am to make this birth a really positive and intervention-free experience - he's also really excited about being a dad - he just gets carried away with ideas and sometimes it's hard to say no... which is why I'm now in charge of choosing the Xmas tree every year as he gets overenthusiastic and we nearly didn't get the last one in the house...

He is a lovely bloke and I do love him dearly. I'm really grateful for all the positive and supportive advice which helped me to have a useful discussion with him and arrive at a good outcome without a big flap(which believe me in my hormonal state is going some these days).

I love Mumsnet - it's great to see that we're all so keen to support each other! Women rock.

Am I missing something?

Your dh has already been present at a birth, therefore he's aware of the gist of things, so why on earth does he need support?
Its not like he doesn't know whats going to happen, he's seen it all before, so to speak.

Do not feel in the least bit guilty, your body, your birth!

If he's worried about being bored, tell him to take a magazine or book, if he's worried you might be wanting his undivided attention thoughout the whole process, tell him you'll be too busy and/or too out of it to even notice if he's there.

Alternatively you could take the BIL to one side and ask him, does he really want to be in the room when you are naked on all fours, howling and grunting with shit coming out of your arse?
(And thats even before the real 'labour' starts!)

Maybe you could tell him you'd like the support of your family around you if and when it comes for him to have a vasectomy.

'chapstickchick - I'm a Mum to a DD (soon to be two DDs) and I certainly don't expect to be called if they are ever in labour, or expect to be in the waiting room at the hospital. It isn't about preferencial treatment of one set of grandparents against the other, this is about the wishes of the woman in labour. As it happens, the OP doesn't want her Mum there either (and neither did I).'

I couldn't agree more, MrsTM.

I have two DDs as well, and a son on the way.

When they have babies, it's all about them starting their own families, too.

NOT about my needs or feelings and preferential treatment or that.

If they want me there, great, that's where I'll be. If they want me in the waiting room, that's where I'll be.

If they would prefer I waited at home till the baby's born, I'll be by the phone.

As a mum, I'm there to support them and their decisions on what they're comfortable with, no matter how I feel about them.

Absolutely agree with expat - I only have DS so far, but I wouldn't want to be hanging around outside the delivery room door if I thought my DD or DIL would be uncomfortable with it. Being a supportive family member is about listening to what the other person wants.

I had my mother with me for DS's birth, but I know this isn't for everyone. She was v pleased to be asked, but waited to be asked.

Spidermama - it would have to be a 12 hour vasectomy with multiple prostate exams and no anasthetic (sp?) to come even close!

I think DH's mum and brother might think it was a bit odd as well, tbh - like I said, this is one of his instant enthusiasm ideas, not something he's discussed with the whole clan! He just didn't think the whole thing through from all angles.

Mind you, his grandma (dad's mum) was a midwife in her younger days and was apparently VERY miffed when she was informed that she would not be allowed (hospital policy)to deliver her grandson - MIL was hugely relieved, though as Grandma is a bit of a dragon-in-law. Some people, eh?

I think because SIL had asked DH to be at her child's birth, he hadn't considered that this might be an unusual thing to do, or that not everyone wants their BIL there.

Anyway, all sorted now

YANBU!!!

Good lord I didnt even tell any family DD was born until 2-3 days after the event. I wanted that precious time lone with DP and DD.
IME childbirth is a very private/vulnerable experience, I only wanted DP and the midwives there.

i thought the situation was that the baby to be's dad wanted his brother there?

its not all about the mum yes she is the one delivering but if her partner needs the support of his family in the waiting room surely his needs are a consideration??

i cant understand all this 'my birth,my moment' attitude perhaps its just different families have different attitudes??

i hope youre not infering i would be hanging around unwanted? because without even knowing me or my family our attitudes and values - at this moment the relationship i share with our 3 sons and indeed friends and girlfriends i know that they would expect me there .....all this is a long way away (i hope) all i did was offer an opinion because it is different to the majority dont persecute me.

Chapstickchick, when a woman is going through the, hopefully, safe birth of her first born she is the most important person on the room. If she is distressed then the outcome is unlikely to be as good, for both her and the baby. Of course Daddy to be is important but nowhere near as much as the Mother.

'its not all about the mum yes she is the one delivering but if her partner needs the support of his family in the waiting room surely his needs are a consideration??'

SHE is the patient. SHE is the one delivering.

therefore, his needs are secondary to his.

if she feels uncomfortable with her partner's brother being there, and from this thread, everyone would, or with his family waiting right outside the door, it will have a negative effect on her labour.

that's why, if she tells the hospital she does NOT want her BIL in the room or her in-laws right outside, the staff will honour her wishes, because they have a duty of care to her, not his family.

if he needs that much 'support', she needs to consider another birth partner who can put aside his/her own needs, which are secondary to hers.

and i say this as a mother to both daughters and soon-to-be a son.

i cannot imagine getting offended or het up because my daughter or DIL would prefer it if i waited at home whilst she gave birth.

i don't see it as a slight on our 'family' at all. get real, it's not like i'll stop being a mother or an MIL just because i wasn't hovering over when she was in the throes of labour.

i guess my attitude is that a family supports one another's needs, even if they're different to one's own.

sorry, his needs are secondary to hers.

No, you are definitely not being unreasonable! I can't believe anyone would even think of it, personally. (Haven't read all the posts so sorry if that offends anyone but I really can't)

Now I am sorry to interrupt but can someone tell me how to start a new thread. I can't find any way to do it. The route I have taken before seems to have changed...

Cheers

Chapstickchick - I love my MIL dearly but cannot imagine wanting her anywhere near when I give birth. I think most DILs would be the same.

OP - I am glad it is sorted!

I don't think that this has anything to do with the relationships within the family though. There are people on this planet that I love dearly and have fantastic relationships with. But the only people that I want at my deliveries are DH and the midwife. I'm just a very private person. DH joked with my Mum that if he was ill that she would take over, and I was quite cross, as I just wouldn't want her there, even though she is lovely and I trusted her with my PFB newborn without a second thought. I would actually be quite annoyed if anyone took it as a slur that I didn't want them present.

Which obviously has nothing to do with the OP, as the DH is just getting a bit over-excited and we don't even know if the ILs would want to be there.

'DH joked with my Mum that if he was ill that she would take over, and I was quite cross, as I just wouldn't want her there, '

Yeah, same here, because I am his wife.

I'll always be DS's mother, but I expect his partner to be the one he turns to in his greatest times of need.

That's how I'd like to bring him up, to cherish the person he choses to make a life with more than me in matters like this.

After all, chances are, I'm going to die and leave this life hopefully long before him and his partner.

I had my mum there because she's seen everything anyway (she's a nurse) and she really helped me but no way could I have my mil there that would be very strange.

littlepig go to the topic you want to start a thread in then click on create a new thread hth.

I cannot believe any one's dh can be so monumentally selfish as to think that their preference should get any consideration at all. You are going through labour - not him. It is a private, intimate thing. He is being very unreasonable to suggest it.

Just laugh and say, very funny dear. Do you want them witnessing the next conception too? Because if so there won't be one.