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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want DH's family present when I give birth?

197 replies

ruthosaurus · 10/09/2008 14:06

DH was present at our nephew's birth, to support middle brother and girlfriend, and wants his younger brother to be there as a backup (for him, not me) when I have our baby. I get on really well with YBIL but really don't want him to see me in the throes of labour/birth. It's my first child so I don't know exactly what to expect, but friendly advice leads me to believe it won't be the most dignified thing I ever do and I only want DH there. Plus I hear I may be [gasp] naked.

He did suggest his mum as an alternative . I also get on well with her, but I don't even want my own mum there. He also suggested having them waiting outside so that they are there if he needs them, but I'm a little unsure if I'm comfortable about that. But I do know it's not all about what I want, so am feeling guilty.

AIBU to deny DH this level of family support? I am dead keen to see everyone and introduce them to the baby when it's is safely here and I've had the chance to have a shower and put a clean nightie on.

OP posts:

SorenLorensen · 10/09/2008 14:27

I mean, don't put your dh's brother through that - too late for your dh.

Original poster

ruthosaurus · 10/09/2008 14:27

Ta! I now feel all justified and will treat any further requests with selective deafness.

DH was at nephew's birth because SIL didn't think her DP could cope on his own. BIL left her in the lurch a year later with over £30,000 of credit card debts, saying the whole marriage and babies thing wasn't really his cup of tea, so her hunch was a good one.

Poor old DH is nothering like this - he's just v family orientated, I guess. May be he's nervous (I know I am). Not American, though, he's from Yorkshire!

OP posts:

Blu · 10/09/2008 14:30

SorenLorensen · 10/09/2008 14:31

So, your dh wants somone at the birth of your child who says that marriage and babies are not his thing? OK, I wouldn't even be polite when I told him what I thought of that idea then

unaccomplishedfattylegalmummy · 10/09/2008 14:31

A big fat NO!! It is all about you when you give birth, believe me his needs are none when you're in the throws of labour. Absolutely no way on this earth would I want my BIL seeing my fanjo or my boobies because it's all hanging out when you give birth. Theres no dignity so the less people the better (ie your DH and MW thats it). I can't believe he asked you. YA so NBU

Original poster

ruthosaurus · 10/09/2008 14:32

I felt WELL weird about DH being at nephew's birth and we nearly split up about it - at the time SIL, BIL and I didn't get on anyway, and DH and I had been together for about 6 months. It was a very fragile time and I'm still a bit hmm about it.

OP posts:

SorenLorensen · 10/09/2008 14:32

SorenLorensen · 10/09/2008 14:33

Yes, I can understand that, Ruthosaurus - I really wouldn't like my dh to be at the birth of anyone's children except mine.

Original poster

ruthosaurus · 10/09/2008 14:34

Sorry, Sorenlorenson - should have made it clearer - DH has 2 brothers, 1 ace and 1 crap, and wants ace one there!

Plus, I know what you mean about photos - my mate's post-birth photos are on a well-known networking site and include vernix and nipples - urgh.

Blu - what are the chances? That WOULD be a coincidence.

OP posts:

poppy34 · 10/09/2008 14:36

am with custardo..if he wants family there at the birth wtf is he going to to do for the next 20 odd years of your dc life when going gets tough

YANBU

Original poster

ruthosaurus · 10/09/2008 14:36

JunebugJen - they could be at home, that's a good idea. Cheers! .

OP posts:

MinkyBorage · 10/09/2008 14:37

I think you might need a little assertiveness training. Repeat after me " there is no fucking way I want any members of your family either at the birth or waiting outside the door during the birth of our child, and if I can't trust you to abide by my wishes, then I shall find another birthing partner. Please try to remember that it is I whom shall be giving birth to our offspring, and not you. You will not need support during the process, I will. Now grow up"

expatinscotland · 10/09/2008 14:37

NO.

YANBU.

AnnieLaurie · 10/09/2008 14:39

I feel very cross with your DH. I think he is being totally unreasonable.

You need to make him realise that he is there to support you, and he just has to be a man and be there for you without his brother, or other, to massage his back and mop his brow.

Grrrr.

(sorry, PG and v hormonal at the mo!!)

solidgoldbrass · 10/09/2008 14:41

YANBU at all but some people do like to have family round when labouring. They are not wierd or wrong. Their choices are valid too.
As a single mum I had my best friend and my own mum with me (as well as medical staff) and they were great. DS dad had actually offered to be there for the birth but I had refused as I didn't feel all that friendly towards him at the time - and even now I still think that had we been on better terms I still wouldn't have wanted him there.

Blu · 10/09/2008 14:48

"felt WELL weird about DH being at nephew's birth and we nearly split up about it - "

And now he wants you to host the return fixture?? He isn't thinking straight!

Look- piccies of my fanny turning up on SL's profile aside - I wouldn't get too worked up about the alledged 'dignity'factor. IMO birth is dignified - or at least important enough to be beyond trivial factors like dignity. IMO it is nothing to be ashamed o shy about...BUT it is intense, personal, and because you have to enter into a process in which your body takes the lead and you follow, you do need to feel that you are in an atmosphere and environment that is totally secure and on your side. Anything that makes you uncomfortable or self-conscious is counter-productive.

Would your DH read some birth books? Sheila Kitzinger is pretty pratical and matter of fact and re-assuring.

And for those of you madly clicking on SL's profile, I already know she is not my SIL

wotulookinat · 10/09/2008 14:49

YANBU. YOU are the one giving birth, not him.

Original poster

ruthosaurus · 10/09/2008 14:50

AnnieLaurie, I know what you mean about the grr - I too could smash furniture over people's heads today...

I will be telling him that if I wanted his family to get an eyeful I'd just flash them .

Not sure what he thinks BIL will be there for exactly, just general support (make sandwiches, play CDs, go to the drinks machine, feed pound coins into the parking meter?).

OP posts:

zazen · 10/09/2008 14:50

YANBU.

To be honest, and I know I'll get flack for saying it, but actually hand over heart at the final analysis of my DDs birth, my DH was NO HELP at all, and I really wished he hadn't been there. He was green faced and miserable, and I felt i had to look after him. If your Dh feels he will need support he will be no use to you at all, and will spoil your birth. Tell him to go down to the pub with his brother - he can come in when you are happy to see him.

There is another element to your Dh's request, and that is the other women giving birth that day - I told some other women's DH to bog off when i was having a contraction as he was talking really loudly and wanting the TV on in the pre birthing labour ward, just outside my curtained cubicle. I gladly would have kicked him out a window.

Tittybangbang · 10/09/2008 14:54

I'm an antenatal teacher and tbh I'm aghast at your dp's suggestion.

I think you need to sit down with your dp and ask what is most important here - the safety and health of you and your baby during childbirth, or his need to feel supported?

To explain: for labour to progress normally your body needs to produce lots of oxytocin, the hormone which will drive your contractions. Oxytocin has been described as a 'shy' hormone because it's very vulnerable to conditioning. When women feel frightened, embarrassed or vulnerable they are likely to produce less of it. Having people present or nearby at the birth who you really don't want there won't just make you feel bad - it may well disrupt your labour and make interventions more likely.

So - tell your DP, no, absolutely not. Put your foot down. Get the midwife involved if needs be. She will be totally on your side on this one.

chipmonkey · 10/09/2008 15:03

Oh ffs, is he a man or a mouse? What the hell does he need support for? Tell him if he's not up to the job, you'll find a new birth partner!

penona · 10/09/2008 15:06

OMG!!
YANBU.
I think the suggestions from people re blaming the midwives - 'it's against hospital policy' - are very good ones. You can probably get your midwife to collude. I cannot imagine anything worse. I didn't even like my in-laws visiting very much while I padded round in my nightie!!

Original poster

ruthosaurus · 10/09/2008 15:10

Poor old DH... Nervous, I think. I'd have my best mate along if poss but she's due 3 weeks after me and I can't think the experience would be a good thing for her (or me!).

I definitely want DH there, just not the rest of his family. I wouldn't be able to look them in the eye afterwards. Put it this way, I am a bit shy and will be wearing a very concealing top to bf the baby in front of them.

I think DH will be fine - I just think he's a bit worried. He's also dead excited about becoming a dad, bless him, but just on edge. I liked JunebugJen's idea about having them on call, esp as we live 10 mins from the hospital.

Thanks for all the assertiveness support!

OP posts:

jellybeans · 10/09/2008 15:19

'But I do know it's not all about what I want,' it is all about what you want, you are the one giving birth. It's about the baby afterwards. NO YANBU to not want his family there,

IgglepigglesBlanket · 10/09/2008 15:46

TBB- that's really interesting, I had my best friend and my partner there, but my relationship with partner was v rocky and I was v nervous about him seeing me naked and giving birth. I was stuck at 4-5cm dilated for hours before anything happened. Thankfully my best friend was amazingly supportive

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