Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

AIBU to not want DH's family present when I give birth?

197 replies

ruthosaurus · 10/09/2008 14:06

DH was present at our nephew's birth, to support middle brother and girlfriend, and wants his younger brother to be there as a backup (for him, not me) when I have our baby. I get on really well with YBIL but really don't want him to see me in the throes of labour/birth. It's my first child so I don't know exactly what to expect, but friendly advice leads me to believe it won't be the most dignified thing I ever do and I only want DH there. Plus I hear I may be [gasp] naked.

He did suggest his mum as an alternative . I also get on well with her, but I don't even want my own mum there. He also suggested having them waiting outside so that they are there if he needs them, but I'm a little unsure if I'm comfortable about that. But I do know it's not all about what I want, so am feeling guilty.

AIBU to deny DH this level of family support? I am dead keen to see everyone and introduce them to the baby when it's is safely here and I've had the chance to have a shower and put a clean nightie on.

OP posts:

JuneBugJen · 10/09/2008 14:14

YANBU!

I couldnt cope with my mum being there as I made...ahem...sex type noises like a bad Swedish porn film during the really bad contractions.

This alone made me feel very self concious and I am sure I would have been better not having DH (who thought it was funny, git!) or mum there, let alone a cast of thousands. Tell him to bog off.

combustiblemelon · 10/09/2008 14:14

22 responses in 6 minutes say you're right. I'd stop feeling guilty

mrsruffallo · 10/09/2008 14:15

The more the merrier. I had 12 people present at my home birth.

CatIsSleepy · 10/09/2008 14:16

blinking heck what a bizarre idea

just say no way!

and having them all hanging about outside is bad enough
your dh's job is to worry about supporting you...that's it...

and LOLOLOL at custy

freshprincess · 10/09/2008 14:17

I also wouldn't agree to having them in the hospital either.
That first hour when its just you, DH and babe is really special. You don't want to be worrying about whether your nightie is clean.

cupsoftea · 10/09/2008 14:17

yanbu - afterwards fine to help with cooking, cleaning & shopping but not when you're giving birth.

etchasketch · 10/09/2008 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Freckle · 10/09/2008 14:18

Blimey, how weird. Just tell him to bollock off. You will be the one in labour, showing your nether regions to the room and you do not want anyone that you may have to later invite into your home seeing that.

Tell him you'll agree if he is happy with your mother being there with him stark bollock naked, having his intimate parts handled by medical staff.

MarkStretch · 10/09/2008 14:18

At my hospital they make a point of saying only your birthing partner/s can be present to avoid the situation of having 20 women in labour and 400 people in the waiting room.

I would say no for the staffs sake as well as yours!

cupsoftea · 10/09/2008 14:18

well put freckle - exactly

JuneBugJen · 10/09/2008 14:19

BTW, custard comment hilarious!!

Heated · 10/09/2008 14:19

Your dh is being selfish. It's you who needs the support not him

You need WHATEVER makes YOU most relaxed in order to deliver your baby safely. The ILs can wait at home for the news.

Dh's parents offered to come to our house to look after ds1 when I went into labour with my 2nd, but no way was I going through stage 1 or labour in front of them!

louii · 10/09/2008 14:20

No fucking way!

PinkTulips · 10/09/2008 14:20

he's there to support you you're the one doing the work, going through the emotional and physical turmoil, being ripped apart by another hum being trying to get out a passage that has only ever opened wide enough to allow a penis through before this.

if he needs support the midwife is well able to do so, all he need to do is stand there and do exactly as you ask him to, whether that be hold your hand, rub your back or get the hell out of you sight while you do the work.

if he needs support to do something that simple you might be better off asking him to wait in the hall and hiring a doula or bringing a sister or friend with you as he sounds like a drain on your emotional strength which is the opposite of his purpoe in that room.

MmeLindt · 10/09/2008 14:20

YANBU
What a strange idea

My mum was present when my brother's partner gave birth but they had asked her to be there.

Hassled · 10/09/2008 14:21

This is the one time when it really really is all about you. There's no way on earth he can expect you to have BIL/MIL/any passing stranger and their dog in there. Show him this thread - he needs to grow up.

debzmb62 · 10/09/2008 14:21

yes this is so strange ! i was with my daughter -in -law on the birth of my 2 grandchildren along with her own mum and my son but brother in law ? and i was welcome ! i know this is strange to my daugther and my oh were with me when i gave birth to my last 2 children in hospital to must add she is 25 yrs old i,m an older mum you see my oldest child is 27 and my youngest is 3 yrs the main thing is its what you want when you giving birth !

KiwiKat · 10/09/2008 14:22

When he's the one giving birth, he can choose who to invite. You'll have enough people checking you inside out without him throwing a party.

Smithagain · 10/09/2008 14:22

If you're going to be in hospital, they may not allow more than one person with you anyway. Might be worth having a quiet word, if you want to blame someone else!

Apart from that - noooooooooooooo you are not being unreasonable. I love every single member of DH's family very dearly, but there are limits!

Blu · 10/09/2008 14:22

It isn't even just about the dignity - many many women talk about wanting to be left in privacy...it's a 'retreat into yourself' experience, and a crowd of onlookers just doesn't support that.

And I wouldn't want people waiting outside. You don't want anything which turns it into a performance, or adds pressure.

I think it's odd he was at his nephew's birth too, but then presumably his SIL was happy about it - and it has clearly given him odd assumptions.

I'm sure he's trying, and has the best intentions - talk to him gently but firmly, get him to listen to other people's (informed) experiences - and perhaps take him alon to some NCT classes so that he feels more confident that he won't need support?

I know DP was anxious that he wouldn't know how to, or be able to, support me in the way I might need, and it was only when told him that I didn't really have expectations that he could 'fail' that he gained confidence.

WigWamBam · 10/09/2008 14:22

Why on earth does he need support? He hasn't exactly got the difficult job in the delivery room, has he! You won't even want them to be outside - this is time for you, your dh and your baby, not the rest of the family.

As for seeing everyone and introducing them to the baby - you may not want to do that for a couple of days, let alone before you've even had a chance to have a shower and change your nightie.

It should be your terms, not his.

ajm200 · 10/09/2008 14:23

You do what suits you not everyone else. You need to relax in labour not be self-conscious. if you aren't comfortable labour could stall and you could end up with interventions.

Early in labour, I just wanted to be on my own. Didn't even want DH there but let him stay. I'm hoping that this one starts to come in the middle of the night so that I can sneek downstairs and only wake him when we need to call the MWs.

Saying that when I had DS I had no idea who was in the room after a few hours and wasn't the slightest bit bothered when DH told me there were 5 people at the other end of the bed staring at my privates towards the end.

cheshirekitty · 10/09/2008 14:23

As an ex-midwife, can i give you some advice.
YANBU. Your dh is being VU to expect you to have someone else at the delivery.

It will be fine with dh's yb OUTSIDE in the waiting room. As a midwife, I always asked the mum to be who she wanted in her labour ward. If she didn't want someone (MIL, fil etc) then out they went.

Good luck on your birth.

SorenLorensen · 10/09/2008 14:25

From another angle - were you happy about your dh being present at the birth of your nephew? I think I'd feel a bit weird about that. I don't exactly mean from a "ooh, my husband saw my SIL's fanjo" pov - though that in itself is weird - more that giving birth is such an intimate, almost primal, experience - I can't imagine wanting to 'share' that with many people.

Oh, and it (almost) goes without saying that I'm with everyone else - you're the one needing the support, and that includes having ultimate say over who you want to be there at the time.

Incidentally, I speak from experience as my dh has seen my SIL's fanjo (somewhat candid post-partum digital photos - emailed to all relatives before anyone had really looked at them properly - SIL, blood-spattered, legs akimbo, nothing left to the imagination - and she still doesn't know we've all seen that picture) and was somewhat traumatised. Don't put your dh through that

JuneBugJen · 10/09/2008 14:25

Oh, just thought, my mum was a help to DH during birth of dd as ended up with emerg Csection under general anaesthetic. I haemorrhaged quite badly. (sorry any mums to be)

I wasn't awake for 2 hours after so he would have been all by himself except a busy midwife and was grateful for the support as it was all a bit terrifying. (now have completely contradicted my prev thread!!)

Could your BIL or MIL be at home for any emergency situations and able to come in quickly for support? Would that be a comprimise?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8