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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want DH's family present when I give birth?

197 replies

ruthosaurus · 10/09/2008 14:06

DH was present at our nephew's birth, to support middle brother and girlfriend, and wants his younger brother to be there as a backup (for him, not me) when I have our baby. I get on really well with YBIL but really don't want him to see me in the throes of labour/birth. It's my first child so I don't know exactly what to expect, but friendly advice leads me to believe it won't be the most dignified thing I ever do and I only want DH there. Plus I hear I may be [gasp] naked.

He did suggest his mum as an alternative . I also get on well with her, but I don't even want my own mum there. He also suggested having them waiting outside so that they are there if he needs them, but I'm a little unsure if I'm comfortable about that. But I do know it's not all about what I want, so am feeling guilty.

AIBU to deny DH this level of family support? I am dead keen to see everyone and introduce them to the baby when it's is safely here and I've had the chance to have a shower and put a clean nightie on.

OP posts:
flowerybeanbag · 10/09/2008 21:26

Good lord no!

I had DH with me. PIL and SIL plus husband plus my mum were all back at the house awaiting phone call, not in the waiting room. My mum actually came in for the last hour or two because after having been in labour a looooooooooonnnnnnnnnng time I wanted her there and so did DH. But ILs? NO WAY!

Twelvelegs · 10/09/2008 21:27

No, No, No. It's your body and birth.

TheDuchessOfNork · 10/09/2008 21:27

It's a birth, not a variety performance.

ruth - do you know how many people the hospital you're giving birth at will allow in? I've heard some midwives/consultants will only allow one birth partner. If your DH persists with this strange request, then tell your midwife about the situation and your feelings on it and ask her to speak to him. Your DH might take more notice if a medical professional tells him that it's not a very good idea.

Bluebutterfly · 10/09/2008 21:31

I think that you already know the answer to this.

I have heard a theory that even having a male partner present during birth MAY slow down labour (something to do with natural inhibitions). Whether or not there is any truth to that, I think the presence of a bil is one male relative too far.

DontlookatmeImshy · 10/09/2008 21:38

Oh goodness yes it is absolutely all about what you want.

I've just asked dh what he thought from a blokes point of view. His response was to shake his head, say "The mind boggles" and suggest you don't take your dh with you.

And this is from someone who said there was no way he was watching anything down below and was worried that he wouldn't be able to stay with me cos he would faint and actually ended up being totally fantastic and watching the head come out!

sleepycat · 10/09/2008 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lickleolme · 10/09/2008 21:48

You do realise that if he manages to persuade you , half of mumsnet will come around to yours to poke him with their umberellas.

3andnomore · 10/09/2008 22:04

but male partner, unless supportive, is completely different...a female Birthpartner that we feel is supportive is so different...why else in this society are doulas needed....yyes, they are grerat, but if women had a different community support network than doulas would be not necessary....

blackrock · 10/09/2008 22:18

Oh and having a poo, numerous times, uncontrollably !!!!

I think you need to get this sorted well beforehand, as you need to feel as relaxed as possible. perhaps mention the plan in front of your midwife...as she may understand and be able to mediate!

Some women are fine with an audience, but i think I may have crossed my legs even longer...

RubyRioja · 10/09/2008 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TinkerBellesMum · 10/09/2008 22:56

I just asked TBD, he said it would never cross his mind to ask and he knows what his brother would say too!

pamelat · 11/09/2008 08:28

Not unreasonable

My family (mum, dad, brother and his girlfriend) waited outside. I never asked them too (!) but I didn't mind. Mum popped in twice wbut made it worse as she cried each time! They came in to the delivery suite when DD was about 15 minutes old.

DH was with me all the way and was brilliant.

When DD was born he called his parents and sister (who live nearby) and they were at the hospital before DD was even an hour old. I was ok with that but its a personal choice. I was still being sick when they all arrived, on and off!

MrsTittleMouse · 11/09/2008 09:31

I agree with everyone else.
DON'T DO IT!

If you wanted them there, then I would be telling you to go for it. But you don't, and this is all about you. My ILs didn't even know that I was in labour, as I felt that if people knew that I'd gone into hospital then there would be invisible pressure on me to deliver quickly. Even though they were too far away to even think about coming to the hospital. I was right, by the way, it was a long labour and I really couldn't have faced the thought of everyone pacing at home willing me to get on with it.

Your DH is being a complete loon, and as others have said, will screw up your labour if he gets his way. There are loads of threads on MN about women who had a stalled labour and magically delivered quickly as soon as their other children went to bed (home birth)/DH arrived after getting stuck in traffic/DH popped outside to get something, depending on what it was that was subconciously holding them back.

clam · 11/09/2008 09:34

Oh, and by the way, yes it IS absolutely ALL about what YOU want, so STOP feeling guilty.

changenameforthis · 11/09/2008 09:54

what the hell is wrong with people. tell him to f off.

Turniphead1 · 11/09/2008 10:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Starbear · 11/09/2008 10:22

Sorry Haven't got time to read the whole thread BUT are you part of a royal family and they need to witness the birth of an heir. Are you in a palace some where in the world and need us to rescue you!! I'll put my pants over my leotard and spin and be right over Just call.

orangehead · 11/09/2008 10:31

Yanbu, it is all about you. The midwives will not allow anyone in the room without your consent, including your husband, because it is your choice, you are the patient.

clam · 11/09/2008 10:49

And anyway, in the interests of future family harmony, I would recommend they stay well away. I told DH, and quite likely a few other people if they wandered past at the wrong time, to stop f*ing talking to me, touching me, to go away NOW, get me a drink NOW etc.. It was marvellous. One of the few times in your life you can get away with being a complete cow and have people make excuses for you.

thebecster · 11/09/2008 11:02

Print this thread for your DH.

It IS all about you.

Your DH's role as a birth partner is to jump when you say jump.

Your SIL's birth isn't relevant - it IS all about you. She could have given birth in front of a capacity crowd at Wembley, there's no need for that to affect your birth plans.

When in labour you need to feel safe, relaxed, disinhibitied, and able to regress into a primitive state of mind, which is likely to involve being naked and undignified and noisy. Feeling inhibited could reduce your oxytocin levels which could slow up your labour and increases the (tiny) risk of complications. So he is being VVVVVVVU

fatzak · 11/09/2008 11:06

Def YANBU!!
My MIL said to DH "Don't forget to call us as soon as Fatzak goes into labour so we can come to the hospital to be there". Not on your nelly

LynetteScavo · 11/09/2008 11:09

You are not, not, not being unreasonable!!

Yes, labour can be hard for dads, and they can need support, that shouldn't be ignored, BUT they damn well should try giving birth!!!You, and your wishes take priority here.

He is much less likely to need support if he helps you give birth the way you want to.

OneLieIn · 11/09/2008 11:11

YANBU. However, DH's family were there when I had DS at home. DD was under 2 and they were meant to come and take her to their house, they could not deal witht eh car seat, so ended up sitting in her bedroom.

BTW, I constantly remind my SIL that she walked in on me in labour and said 'hiya, how are you?' whilst I was naked in the pool. I did not say F off, but I should have done.

I still resent the fact they were there.

OneLieIn · 11/09/2008 11:12

Oh and YANBU. Tell your DH that its your way only.

Original poster
ruthosaurus · 11/09/2008 11:56

Thanks all! I had a very calm and positive discussion with DH about it yesterday and he is now on side and not expecting any inlaws to be there. I think ante-natal classes, which start on Tuesday, may also help with managing his expectations (he didn't go to any with SIL - was just ordered to turn up when she went into labour, they are weird people).

And I didn't even have to show him this thread...

You ladies are the best .

PS He redeemed himself lots last night by giving me a pedicure, including nail varnish. Sounds like a little thing, I know, but I no longer rip up the carpet with my toenails when I walk and feel a million times less horrible.

OP posts: