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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want DH's family present when I give birth?

197 replies

ruthosaurus · 10/09/2008 14:06

DH was present at our nephew's birth, to support middle brother and girlfriend, and wants his younger brother to be there as a backup (for him, not me) when I have our baby. I get on really well with YBIL but really don't want him to see me in the throes of labour/birth. It's my first child so I don't know exactly what to expect, but friendly advice leads me to believe it won't be the most dignified thing I ever do and I only want DH there. Plus I hear I may be [gasp] naked.

He did suggest his mum as an alternative . I also get on well with her, but I don't even want my own mum there. He also suggested having them waiting outside so that they are there if he needs them, but I'm a little unsure if I'm comfortable about that. But I do know it's not all about what I want, so am feeling guilty.

AIBU to deny DH this level of family support? I am dead keen to see everyone and introduce them to the baby when it's is safely here and I've had the chance to have a shower and put a clean nightie on.

OP posts:
poppy34 · 10/09/2008 15:59

ruthosaurus if you're worried about b/f in front of them (although that'll fade I expect) you can get special tops or a bebe au lait feeding apron that covers you up (although a well positioned scarf/muslin will do)

Cies · 10/09/2008 15:59

Could you suggest that his family wait at your house and meanwhile just to keep busy do a little light cleaning, baking, food preparation and freezing

ChairmumMiaow · 10/09/2008 16:02

I had my SIL who is also my best friend in there, and it was great. Not only did I have all the help and support I needed, but DH had someone to talk to when I was out of it for a good while, and SIL bonded wonderfully with DS.

It meant that when they were stitching me up, DH held my hand and SIL gave DS a cuddle

I was going to suggest having someone there that both of you feel comfortable with, but if you just want your DH, as everyone says, it really is all about you for those few hours!

Lomond · 10/09/2008 16:04

Feck no! I didn't want anyone but my DP there, not even my own mother, in fact I didn't really want dp there either once it got going! I was just concentrating on the midwife.

Do what you want to do, yes it is his child too but you are the one giving birth and to me it is a very personal thing.

lisad123 · 10/09/2008 16:17

you could try talking to your friend. I was at my sisters birth (have a guess which one) 4 days after giving birth myself!! and was there for her DD1 too
I wanted just DH there but i know other want DH plus friend or mum but i didnt.

Put your foot down, tell him and his weird family to go jump

gingerninja · 10/09/2008 16:21

Oh my god, I just can't imagine having anyone (other than DH) with me to give birth let alone my inlaws. I can't understand what support he needs either.

TheCrackFox · 10/09/2008 16:47

Tell your DP to sod off - you are giving birth and he is their to support you. It is not a spectator sport.

FWIW my hospital would only let you have one birthing partner and absolutely no one else at the hospital waiting. It is a massive maternity hospital and it would have been chaos to have lots of family waiting in the wings.

thomsc · 10/09/2008 16:52

What NEEDS does he have exactly? Is this someone to catch him in case he faints?

And I speak as a DH myself here.

Tell him to stop being a soppy git and support his DW in her wishes. He can make his own cups of tea and sandwiches.

One simple rule - YOUR WISHES TRUMP ALL.

TinkerBellesMum · 10/09/2008 16:56

Not going to read 83 back posts, so this may repeat things.

Imagine you are sitting on the toilet and in walks ... what is your response?

Tense up, scream, throw something and tell them to get out;
Not bothered, after all we all do it?

If you would not want that person to walk in on you on the toilet, then don't have them at the birth! My family are pretty open, I wouldn't mind my mum or sister being there, but no one beyond that (other than TBD of course!) My brothers partner was at the hospital when my first daughter was born and she waited outside until she was born.

I would let them come to hospital on the proviso (let the MW know) that they do not come in the room with you. If he needs to he can go out of the room to talk to them. I would possibly say not even waiting outside the door, I wasn't very noisy but I wouldn't want my partners family listening to me if I was making much noise.

JuneBugJen · 10/09/2008 16:58

Ruthasaurus - glad to be of help!!

Not sure what Dh would have done had mum not been there, so having them safely the hell away down the road seems like a good solution.

TinkerBellesMum · 10/09/2008 17:00

ruthosaurus, take a look in H&M for their nursing tops. They're the best ones I've got, I love them! They don't look like nursing tops, they cover you up totally when the baby is feeding and they fall back in place afterwards.

YeahBut · 10/09/2008 17:03

The only people you should have in the delivery room are people you think you can look in the eye again after they have seen your vagina / completely naked / poo yourself. Sorry to be basic, but that's what childbirth is about.

mumeeee · 10/09/2008 17:34

YANBU.The only people present when you give birth are your DH and the medical team.
No other family members should be waitng outside.

tiggerlovestobounce · 10/09/2008 17:45

I know that I'm only repeating what everyone else has said, but this is all about what you want.
If you dont want his family there, then they shouldnt be there.

How are you meant to be able to relax and concentrate on delivering the baby with his family there?

AnnVan · 10/09/2008 18:18

YANBU - good grief!! What does HE need support for, all he has to do is hold your hand/give you back massages. I wouldn't want MY DP's family to see me in the nuddy covered in sweat/blood/yuk, and possibly shitting myself! No way. You have to be comortable, it's not about him. Ooooooh!!!

becaroo · 10/09/2008 18:27

YANBU

I dont even want my own mother there! My family are lovely but be at the birth of my child??? Hell, no!

My dh is very sqeamish and tbh I was worried about how he would cope at the birth of our ds but he was fantastic. Hope he will be as good at the next one (whenever he decides to finally show up!)

The maternity unit wont be pleased with a dozen family members around outside the labour suite either!

sparklesandnowinefor7weeks · 10/09/2008 18:41

I haven't read the whole thread but why on earth would your DH want other people in there?!

'back-up' for what? the midwife is your back up surely!

Its personal choice obviously but if you don't want your BIL or MIL with you then you need to tell him now, because if you agreed because you felt guilty about it then you would not enjoy the wonderful experience of having your first child. If its something you both want then fine but if not don't do it

My brother came into the labour room whilst i was in labour 'to see how i was getting on as he was just passing' i told him in no uncertain terms to feck off, i'm still not quite sure how in got in there tbh but then i was a bit out of it

I would personally never want anyone with me but DP (although i may have to re-think this time round incase DP doesn't make it on time!) but you really need to discuss this with him - and yes it is all about you and what you want!

noonki · 10/09/2008 18:43

YANBU at all

you need to be a relaxed as poss therefore only have people around you that make you relaxed!

for DS2 I even sent my DH away (to bed was at home) as he was sleepy, really I wanted the midwife to disappear too, just me and the telly!

ethanchristopher · 10/09/2008 18:43

ewww no dont let him

let them come see you before you go into the delivery room but omg i wouldnt let his family in there!!!

giantkatestacks · 10/09/2008 18:44

I would add as well that having an older member of the family (ie your mil) there can affect the birth as well as they are more likely to see doctors etc as people who must be obeyed and extra pressure from them when you're trying to stick to a no-monitoring situation etc is the last thing you need...

good luck!

mabanana · 10/09/2008 18:45

God god, he sounds pathetic! Ask him if he'd mind your mum and sister being there when he next does a big poo!

CostaRicanCod · 10/09/2008 18:46

oi tlel em abotu costa rica

Gobbledigook · 10/09/2008 18:52

I'd tell him in no uncertain terms to feck off

saralou · 10/09/2008 18:57

i haven't read all of this

i knew my dp might have moments where he might not be able to support me, so i had my mate in too, she was my back up plan!

she was my choice and someone i felt totally relaxed with.

and their were moments when he couldn't do it as much as he wanted to stay.. i could see the wild look in his eyes that he couldn't (like when my epidural went in, he was green and when i had to go for em section with ds2 he had said beforehand he wouldn't go in and he didn't change his mind but mate was more than willing!)

however, yanbu in that you shouldn't have someone you don't want... but could you imagine having someone you have picked and are comfy with instead (as a kind of compromise?)

wotulookinat · 10/09/2008 19:06

mabanana

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