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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want DH's family present when I give birth?

197 replies

ruthosaurus · 10/09/2008 14:06

DH was present at our nephew's birth, to support middle brother and girlfriend, and wants his younger brother to be there as a backup (for him, not me) when I have our baby. I get on really well with YBIL but really don't want him to see me in the throes of labour/birth. It's my first child so I don't know exactly what to expect, but friendly advice leads me to believe it won't be the most dignified thing I ever do and I only want DH there. Plus I hear I may be [gasp] naked.

He did suggest his mum as an alternative . I also get on well with her, but I don't even want my own mum there. He also suggested having them waiting outside so that they are there if he needs them, but I'm a little unsure if I'm comfortable about that. But I do know it's not all about what I want, so am feeling guilty.

AIBU to deny DH this level of family support? I am dead keen to see everyone and introduce them to the baby when it's is safely here and I've had the chance to have a shower and put a clean nightie on.

OP posts:
RebelMum72 · 10/09/2008 19:13

Haven't read all the replies, but I also agree that you shouldn't have anyone in the delivery room with you other than your dh (if you want him there, that is!).
However, just wanted to add that I don't think it's a bad idea to have close family in the waiting room, they'll be really excited about the new member of the family, but I wouldn't let them come and see you until you were ready and sure you were up to it.

I had dh in with me for my c-section, although I'd told him if he felt he couldn't face it, he didn't have to be there. My parents and MIL were outside waiting and tbh, I couldn't wait to show off ds to them, so they saw us all within a couple of hours, once I'd been cleaned up and pumped full of drugs etc.
For me personally, it was lovely that ds's grandparents were there and got to see him so soon after he was born - but would def. not have wanted ANY of them there for the actual birth!!

prozackatie · 10/09/2008 19:16

Your not being unreasonable, and you must think about what you want, never mind your dh's family, don't be bullied into anything!! put everything aside and think bout what you want.

welshdeb · 10/09/2008 19:40

For the most part labour is quite boring especially in the early stages. With my first baby my ds(1) I was in labour nearly 24 hours, from waters going to birth. They sent dh home for some sleep as things were progressing so slowly. Although they called him back when they moved me to a birth suite.

Even then I remember he really got in my nerves as he was chatting to the midwives, reading the newspapers etc

I cant see the hospital letting/ encouraging your dh, let alone a huge entourage, to hang round (getting in the way etc ) in a labour ward for what could be a long time.

Ask him where are all these people going to stay and what are they really going to do.

Also I ended up having a forceps delivery with a room full of dh, medics and midwives student midwife etc and it was standing room only.

Ask him honestly how he feels about the birth and if he doesn't feel up to doing it on his own, get a friend or a doula there for YOU.

snickersnack · 10/09/2008 19:41

Crumbs, what a thought. Am just imagining my BIL being in the room while I was giving birth...makes me feel very very unpleasant. It isn't the most dignified thing you'll ever do, and as I'm sure others have said (haven't read the whole thread) humans are just like other mammals - when cats and other animals give birth they go into a private corner, they don't do it in front of everyone. Ideally, you want calm, quiet, dark - anyone you feel uncomfortable with will inhibit you significantly and could well interfere with/slow down labour.

VaginaShmergina · 10/09/2008 19:49

Not read the whole thread but is your DH a smoker ? My DH is and I had my mum with me too so it meant he could go for a smoke break and he knew I would not be left alone.

However, that was my choice, would not have had it anyother way, but the thought of my BIL looking up my fanjo Blurrrrrgggggghhhhhh

Not an option, tell him no way !!

umberella · 10/09/2008 19:53

oh.

my.

god.

I honestly cannot think of anything worse than having my mil/bil there when giving birth. I would seriously rather poke pins in my eyes.

TinkerBellesMum · 10/09/2008 19:56

When I did my maternity training we were told the most useful thing a man can do while his OH is in labour is faint! That way they can push him under the bed and carry on without him getting in the way.

Does that help answer your question?

RhinestoneCowgirl · 10/09/2008 20:03

Hell no - you need to feel comfortable in labour, and that means not having people around if you don't want them. YADefinitelyNBU.

I didn't even want ILs knowing I was in labour as I knew they would be straight down and camped out locally. DH kept wittering on about phoning his mum when I was in early labour and I just pleaded with him to wait until the baby had safely arrived.

ruty · 10/09/2008 20:09

YANBU.

yomellamoHelly · 10/09/2008 20:11

Agree with everyone else. No way! I wasn't even sure I wanted dh in there to witness everything before I went into labour with ds1. Also it took me 4 1/2 hours to get sorted out / washed etc after ds1 and 1 1/2 after ds2. I wouldn't have wanted the pressure of knowing someone was outside waiting to come in through that process. So I don't even think anyone else should be waiting in the hospital.

lickleolme · 10/09/2008 20:22

Hells Bells, I have heard it all know!!YA SO NBU.
Do you know when our dog gave birth two weeks ago, dh sent the kids to my mams, unplugged/switched off the phones and disconected the door bell, so that she could welp with as little interuptions as possible. If spider (don't ask) deserved this respect then why the hell can't you!

By the way, what did your mil think when your dh went in with your sil had your dnephew?

nowwearefour · 10/09/2008 20:25

v sorry but this really IS all about YOU. noone else's needs really matter ALL that much -esp not that kind of wish. seems bizarre and v selfish of your dh to be honest- reckon when he has been through it he will TOTALLY understand how completely unreasonable his request was. You stick to your guns girl/ you are TOTALLY nbu. poor you having this to deal with. am sure your dh is completely wonderful and just thinking ofhow best to support you but having anyone other than him there if that is not waht you want is just way out of the question.

clam · 10/09/2008 20:27

This has got to be a wind-up, surely! I've never heard anything so weird/outrageous in my life.
No, No, No! Don't do it.

bloomingfedup · 10/09/2008 20:38

YANBU - Having people there that you don't want could effect your state of mind in labour. Don't do it!!!!!!!!!!!

pointydog · 10/09/2008 20:48

Wharra nightmare.

What does your dh want? Cuddles and hot chocolate from his bezzie mates? Tell him to toughen up - he's there to support you. Quel nobbo.

NorkyButNice · 10/09/2008 21:01

Would he have invited them to watch you conceive the baby?

Inviting them to watch the birth is just as odd an idea so no YANBU

soopermum1 · 10/09/2008 21:08

all this talk of 'support', in my opinion is overrated. the real support i got was from the medical staff checking everything was ok and administering pain relief. DH was OK, but pretty useless, if i went through it again, don't think i'd be that bothered if he was there or not. as for anyone else, forget it.

3andnomore · 10/09/2008 21:08

Only read OP!
You obviously feel uncomfortable wiht them being there...therefore, no YANBU!
However, whilse I can understand that you do NOT want male family members around....female members in past days were always around to give support..and it is kind of sad that nowadays this isn't happening...other women that have given Birth could be fabulous support....especially if you get on well! Traditionally there weren't "professional" midwifes biut other women from the village would be around...maybe they weren't straight related, but thye were close....not sure iykwim,
so YANBU as such, but it is sad if women can't do this together

FourArms · 10/09/2008 21:10

My mum and dad were in the hospital when DS1 was born. The plan was for my mum to be there at the birth, but we ended up with an ec/s, so she missed it. She did support me after the birth though when DH took a break and I was in a bad state in the recovery room (blood pressure in my boots, badly shaking, terrified about my baby... ). For DS2 I was so long between my waters breaking and giving birth that my mum managed to fly back from Cyprus. She was looking after DS1 whilst I was in hospital in labour with DS2. However, after a v.long arduous labour they decided that I again needed a c/s, so I called my mum (and the DH of another lovely MNetter drove my mum to the hospital whilst she looked after DS1 ). I ended up giving birth naturally, so my mum did get to witness a birth . She was a fantastic help both times to both me and DH.

So.... I think an extra person can be helpful, but there is no way on this earth that that person would have been of DH's choosing. That was my day to have everything (that I could control) done the way that I wanted it. So you are definitely not BU, and your DH should think again. If he needs a supporter, and you can think of somebody you'd be happy with then great, if not, then he'll have to cope, and you'll have to cope if he does have to take a break for whatever reason.

FourArms · 10/09/2008 21:12

Completely agree 3andnomore. However, a MIL that I didn't get on with wouldn't have been my first choice. I love my MIL and get on very well with her, but I wouldn't have had her there, as I wouldn't have been able to 'let go' in the same way.

bluemousemummy · 10/09/2008 21:12

What umbrella and others said.

Is this for real???

taxiservice · 10/09/2008 21:21

Your husband needs to grow up I'm afraid. Sounds like he's not rising to the challenge what with needing family around. Start as you mean to go on. Keep them in a pub round the corner or at the end of a phone but try to get him to be the man and defend you and your needs.

Personally I would have prefered my OH not to be there, he was great, but didn't exactly do anything to help unless asked - I couldn't relax until he left to get a pizza, at which point baby arrived!

taxiservice · 10/09/2008 21:21

Your husband needs to grow up I'm afraid. Sounds like he's not rising to the challenge what with needing family around. Start as you mean to go on. Keep them in a pub round the corner or at the end of a phone but try to get him to be the man and defend you and your needs.

Personally I would have prefered my OH not to be there, he was great, but didn't exactly do anything to help unless asked - I couldn't relax until he left to get a pizza, at which point baby arrived!

3andnomore · 10/09/2008 21:24

I think any person you don't like should not be there FourArms...honestly, was going by op saying they get along well...but male out but female in, lol!
Wopuldn't mean the famale part of the family is allowed to look down ther ya know

3andnomore · 10/09/2008 21:26

ooops, bit drunk....wouldn't and family

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