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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect DH to not go off by himself for 1 day of a 5 day holiday

109 replies

wearehipsandmakers · 05/09/2008 08:59

Off to the Lakes tomorrow to stay with my parents- nice relaxing break, first one in OMG over a year!!! Pre kids days DH would always have a day walking up Coniston Old Man or something ( and even when we had one kid he did) but we have a 5 month old as well as a seriously manic 3 year old and have just had a very stressful couple of months so when the issue came up I said I would prefer it if he didn't go this holiday (only this 1). He said 'hmmmm' and nothing more was said about it. Then today while tidying up come across a list off stuff he wants to remember to take- phone charger, laptop.... walking boots, waterproof trousers, maps...
So I guess he's still planning on going. Is it unreasonable to think he might be able to forgo it just this once?

OP posts:
cmotdibbler · 05/09/2008 09:02

Sounds like he heard 'I'd prefer it if you didn't' as 'think about it'. Time to tell him very clearly 'this is our only holiday and I want us to spend it together, so you won't be going off on your own, will you'

YANBU to want to spend your family holiday together btw

midnightexpress · 05/09/2008 09:03

Count yourself lucky - I have 2 under 3 and dp is off on his (annual) 4-DAY walking trip to Jura in a couple of weeks.

He tried to get an extension to 5 days this year, but I made my feelings clear on that.

My view is that if you can bear it, it's probably worth letting him go - it's his holiday too and you can then reasonably book yourself into a local spa for the day and get him to look after the children (as I am about to do .

LadyMuck · 05/09/2008 09:04

Will your parents be around? Is there a chance that you will both get some free time? Would he feel gutted if he was suddenly offered a day off and didn't have the necessary gear?

You say that this is goign to be a nice relaxing break. If this is dh's way of relaxing then how else is he going to relax?

VinegarTits · 05/09/2008 09:05

Could you not go on the walk with him and let your parents look after the dc? they might be happy to have dc all to themselves and means you and dh get some time to yourself too.

StarlightMcKenzie · 05/09/2008 09:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

chopchopbusybusy · 05/09/2008 09:09

Let him go. Have a day with your parents. Decide where you are going for your day out.

NoblesseOblige · 05/09/2008 09:10

i would let him go BUT make it abundantly clear that you also get a day "off". preferably take your day off first then there i no wiggling out of it!

even if you just spend the day wandering round town windowshopping and drinking coffee it is still a day off!

mm22bys · 05/09/2008 09:12

YABU. If he gets a day off so should you, and you have your parents there too!!! How much help do your children require?????

PuppyMonkey · 05/09/2008 09:12

DP does this kind of thing on our hols too. He reckons he's Ray Mears or something I think. I just let him get on with it for one day, otherwise he's just a grumpy sod for five days or whatever.

And I always insist on having a shopping day to myself as a reward!

zippitippitoes · 05/09/2008 09:12

as it is staying with ils for him i think fair enough if he has a day getting out on his own

and he will be a nicer person after all the exercise and endorphins produced

he has always done it so i think not unreasonable

seeker · 05/09/2008 09:13

Let him go. It's only 1 day - and he'll come back refreshed and ready for the fray again. Make sure you get some time on your own too - should be possible with 4 adults looking after 2 children.

PussinWellies · 05/09/2008 09:13

Hmm. Large backpack child carrier for him, front sling for you? We have hefted some pretty parge children over Skiddaw and Causey Pike this way (though we ignominiously failed on CatBells, as it was too windy).

QuintessentialShadow · 05/09/2008 09:14

YABU. You are with your parents. Why should he not do something he enjoys? It is only 1 day out of 5. Find something else to do on that day.

zippitippitoes · 05/09/2008 09:15

or as puss suggests backpacks

tho i get the impression you dont walk?

Dropdeadfred · 05/09/2008 09:17

I think if this is something he has always loved doing he is right to expect to continue doing so.....
I'm sure you and the kids will have fun with your parents...

if you love somebody...set them free

Original poster
wearehipsandmakers · 05/09/2008 09:22

Can I just say that it's not like I refuse to let him do his own thing- he also has a walking weekend with the lads once a year and goes away every month or so to watch the football. And out with the lads at least once a week. And why should my parents be roped into looking after his kids?
I've tried having a day off- I have to spend 2 hours preparing idiot-proof instructions, taking support calls and tidying the mess when I get back. It barely seems worth it. I might say he can go if he handles all the night feeds while we're away- then I may have the energy required. I feel absolutely shattered at the moment.

OP posts:
NoblesseOblige · 05/09/2008 09:25

be firm.

DO NOT leave instructions.

turn your phone off. or at least put it on silent.

say "I am going to xxxxx. I will be xxxx hours."

he will cope.

I know i sound harsh but they are his children too and tbh you sound like you could do with the break more! plus it will bode excellently for the future if you start putting your foot down NOW about you getting some time off

zippitippitoes · 05/09/2008 09:25

it sounds like yopu have done the classic thing of making yourself indispensable or at least having the idea in your head you are indispensable

this is a bad thing

dont bother with instructions, switch off the phone and have a day to yourself periodically

NoblesseOblige · 05/09/2008 09:26

x posts zippi. great minds...

QuintessentialShadow · 05/09/2008 09:26

You are not roping your parents into looking after HIS kids. You are roping them in to be grandparents, they are also YOUR kids and their grandkids. If you are going to visit them, I reckon they dont live nearby and dont get to see the kids so much in their daily life.

Then why dont you suggest he goes for his walk. But you expect him to let you go out on your own and do something another day, or you expect him to take the kids out another day while you stay in and sleep.

Dropdeadfred · 05/09/2008 09:26

i do think it's sad when people 'let' or 'dont let' oher adults do things.

you are responsible for choosing your own free time do't eave instrctions, you are just buying into the myth that fathers can't cope....

Wont your parents want to help look afer your children? if not why are you going there?

QuintessentialShadow · 05/09/2008 09:27

Also, I would like to add, it is good that he has some leisure time. You should ensure you get some too. You have to TRUST him. It is fine if he does not do things as perfect as you do. Let him find his way in doing things. You have to let him try on his own, make a mess, feed them crap, but he will learn, and you get time off.

NoblesseOblige · 05/09/2008 09:30

if you don't see the gps much you may find that actually they will seep the dcs away in a whirlwind of spoiling and actually you will both get a decent bit of time off?

i don't mean to sound harsh but i have been in the "i am indespensable, dh won't manage alone/pull his weight etc" and am now out the other side and it is fab. difficult at the time though but worth sorting, honestly!

VinegarTits · 05/09/2008 09:30

Not suggestings you 'rope' your parents into babysitting, i know my parents enjoy having the dc to themselves while i go off shopping/walking up hills etc, they dont see it as a chore or being roped in. Anyway, has he actually said he is going to have a day all to himself? maybe he is planning something else with you and the dc? i take dc2(2.1) walking up hills with me, we have a backpack for him, not saying thats what your dc is going to do but at the moment your getting yourself worked up because you are second guessing him because of what he is packing

NoblesseOblige · 05/09/2008 09:30

that should be sweep dcs

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