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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect DH to not go off by himself for 1 day of a 5 day holiday

109 replies

wearehipsandmakers · 05/09/2008 08:59

Off to the Lakes tomorrow to stay with my parents- nice relaxing break, first one in OMG over a year!!! Pre kids days DH would always have a day walking up Coniston Old Man or something ( and even when we had one kid he did) but we have a 5 month old as well as a seriously manic 3 year old and have just had a very stressful couple of months so when the issue came up I said I would prefer it if he didn't go this holiday (only this 1). He said 'hmmmm' and nothing more was said about it. Then today while tidying up come across a list off stuff he wants to remember to take- phone charger, laptop.... walking boots, waterproof trousers, maps...
So I guess he's still planning on going. Is it unreasonable to think he might be able to forgo it just this once?

OP posts:

pofaced · 05/09/2008 09:30

I agree with most others: a day walking on his own will be great for him and his stress levels & give him some head space to look after kids on the following day when you head off on your own to do whatever you want... the move from 1 to 2 dcs is exhausting for everyone so each of you should have a little "me" time. He will manage if your phone is off etc & it's better for everyone if he deals with the DCs on his own fairly regularly.

zippitippitoes · 05/09/2008 09:30

at crossed post

also because you do things a certain way that you have evolved for yourself it isnt set in stone

it doesnt have to be done that way

nothing wrong with just taking the day as it comes

Sunflower100 · 05/09/2008 09:31

I'd let him - these things go a long way! But make sure you get your time too.

midnightexpress · 05/09/2008 09:31

I agree with Zippi. I was a bit guilty of this too, until DP told me that he actually likes spending time on his own with the DSs because he can do stuff with them that I wouldn't let them do. Men and women do things differently I think but they will no doubt survive your DH's ministrations.

StarlightMcKenzie · 05/09/2008 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

wearehipsandmakers · 05/09/2008 09:33

Neither of my parents are what you might call physically robust and I wouldn't feel comfortable about making them look after the kids- being a grandparent doesn't mean that they have to be child minders and to be honest, my Dad will sit on his backside and let my mum do all the work and I don't feel that is fair. And of course I could cope just fine looking after them by myself- that's what I do all week every week.
And my main point was that this is supposed to be a family holiday- we can both have chances to do things by ourselves at the weekend. If he has a day to himself and I have a day to myself nearly 50% of the holiday can hardly be classed as a family one.

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadow · 05/09/2008 09:34

Last summer I let my dh take our two sons camping on his own. My kids were 5 and 2, so a little older. I was really worried about him not brushing their teeth before going to sleep, and maybe they did not get enough food, and maybe dh forgot to change the youngest boys nappy and he went to sleep with a wet nappy, etc. I just had to steel myself and think: IT IS FINE.

Dh came back the happiest man alive. He had DONE it. He had HANDLED it. Boy was he proud. He has been a lot more hands on since then.

calsworld · 05/09/2008 09:35

Sorry, I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Besides, if you do stop him from doing this one day that he wants, how much fun do you think he'll be towards you / the DC etc.

Can't you do as others have suggested and let him go for his one day?

I think having a day off in return is a good suggestion, but I strongly agree with what zippitippitoes said - if you think you're indispensable, you probably are - but if you can just let go for one day, I'm sure your parents and DH would cope.

Alternatively, you could stay with them for the day but insist that DH does all 'your' jobs for the day - you might still have to to do the thinking but at least you would be there to maintain control - and DH might even learn how to manage them ready for next time when you do get some time away? It has to happen sometime, you need a break.

Hope you manage to sort something that means you have a lovely break - am very of a week in the lakes

FAQ · 05/09/2008 09:36

agree with the rest - let him go - but make sure you do something for YOU as well.

As harsh as it feels - sadly us mum's are indispensable at times - learn to embrace it

zippitippitoes · 05/09/2008 09:36

get back packs then....introducing walking to kids is a good thing

but do stop with the instructions and make sure he gets to work out his way of doing things with them regularly all year round

and he can even be given the cvhance to take over more when you are there too

you have to learn to let go as a mum and let dad learn too

Dropdeadfred · 05/09/2008 09:37

f you both et a day of relaxing ten it would be fantatsic for your family - you wil both recharge your batteries and de-stress and the other three days would be even better!!!

How old are your parents? why would they invite you if they ddn't want to be invoved with their GCs?

StarlightMcKenzie · 05/09/2008 09:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

QuintessentialShadow · 05/09/2008 09:38

Well, then you should make an effort of coming with him walking.

Do you cycle? Can you cycle there? Tailgator for your tree year old, bike trailer for the baby?

Our youngest was 6 months old when dh and I decided it would be good if I took up cycling with him, so we could do things together as a family. Since then, we have gone cycling with the kids most weekends. Now they are older, (6 and 3) we go hill walking. It is never too early (or too late) to start physical activities as a family.

The pace will be more pleasant and less rigorous as if you were on your own, but it is so nice to explore nature as a family!

cmotdibbler · 05/09/2008 09:38

I was just going to do a at people assuming you could leave the kids with your parents - theres no way I could leave DS with my parents for more than an hour (he's 2.2) and thats pushing it.

But I do agree that he needs to be left (not necessarily on this holiday, but generally)to get on with things on his own, sans instructions and support calls.

NoblesseOblige · 05/09/2008 09:38

ok, now i will be mean (in a nice way ).

you are making a rod for your own back girl. it doesn't sound like you really mind dh going off for the day and you are clearly reluctant to assert for any time to yourself.

you want a family holiday. fine. tell dh if he wants to go off for a day, fine, but you are disappointed as you wanted to spend as much time together as possible. then don't mention it again. at all.

but do, do try in general to get some time out/away for yourself, not necessarily on holiday, but just in your day to day routine. you will all reap the benfits.

ok now {{{{hug}}}}

and sorry

VinegarTits · 05/09/2008 09:39

You sound very controlling tbh, and not prepared to compromise or give way a little, we are not suggesting grandparents should be precieved as childminders. YABU imo.

QuintessentialShadow · 05/09/2008 09:39

And your three year old will LOVE IT, especially this time of your. Challenge him to find as many different leaves as he can, pick them up, take them home, make a picture.

zippitippitoes · 05/09/2008 09:39

dont let yourself end up as a martyr to dh and the kids whatever you do

QuintessentialShadow · 05/09/2008 09:41

this time of YEAR not this time of your

zippitippitoes · 05/09/2008 09:41

pick a walk with styles

or there is a nicce walk round buttermere very doable with small children..

there are lots actually

zippitippitoes · 05/09/2008 09:41

lol stiles

VinegarTits · 05/09/2008 09:43

Agree there are loads of walks around that area you can all do together, and you dont actually know he is planning a day to himself you are just assuming

Original poster

wearehipsandmakers · 05/09/2008 09:45

My parents want to be involved with my kids of course. However they both suffer from rheumatoid arthritis, and my dad is in his 70's so they will physically struggle if they had to look after them. My mother will try and then will be in agony and dosed up on painkillers all evening.
We do have backpacks and slings but DH says his back is not strong enough to carry even a 5 month old for any length of time. I have walking boots and even a cagoule (I don't think you can grow up in the Lakes without acquiring them by some form of osmosis) and am more than happy to pootle around Grizedale and some of the less challenging stuff and we have a Phil & Ted so could do off road. As far as I knew we were planning on doing family stuff- Miniature railways and the boats and the sea side. At no point was I suggesting staying in talking to his ILs all week.

OP posts:

calsworld · 05/09/2008 09:52

Well, in that case, rather than this being an AIBU thread, it should be a thread asking how to persuade your DH not to go off on his regular holiday hike and still have him happy enough to spend his days doing lovely family things.

So, my suggestion is to talk to him. Determine whether or not what you think he has planned is actually right or not, and maybe approach the conversation with a written plan of each day and what family activity you have planned - with contingencies to allow for weather if it will influence activities....then see what he says? It will be harder for him to fit his hike in if you have a full family holiday plan written out maybe?

Good luck.

Original poster

wearehipsandmakers · 05/09/2008 10:04

You're probably right. I just don't feel like asking him as a favour to spend time with his family. But probably what is really vexing me is, he knows this is not going to be popular so he is trying to ambush me. I have to do all the other packing so if he thought I would be alright with him going walking then I am sure I would have to pack all his walking kit. But he's going to surreptiously sneak it in the car and produce it when we get there with a phoney innocent expression. and the reason I know this is because he's done it to me before.

OP posts:

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